Apparently it is zero degrees today. I’m not sure if Canada's just not having any weather – maybe a weather strike since everyone's so fed up with winter – or if it’s actually a sign that maybe snow is about to start melting. I’m bouncy with excitement. However, my excitement was somewhat short lived after I realized that I’ve bought four Tim Horton’s coffees in the last week, during their famous, “Roll up the rim and win” season, fully believing my cup contained the keys to a new Toyota, a tropical island vacation, a lifetime’s supply of chocolate, a new season of “Lost”, or at the very least a free goddamn coffee and for what? Nothing. I hereby suggest they should change the name of their stupid game to, “roll up the rim and weep, LOSER”.
How are YOU fine specimens today? You’re all looking fancy. Yes indeed. Fancy and flirty. But seriously, put on some underwear.
My mood is a bit uppity today. It’s the changing of the seasons (and the clocks). I go from worrying about the people in Japan, one moment, to thinking about nude vs. bright nail polish in the next. I go from debating the intricate nuances of the French language, to “OMG, the Slatkin & Co. ‘pink sangria’ candle at Bath and Body Works might be the most heavenly scent ever invented, I want to take off all my clothes and rub it all over me.”
I also strongly suspect there’s a rogue wire in my bra making a bid for freedom. Something pointy is definitely interfering with my mellow in that region.
Lastly, why does Gwyneth Paltrow keep bleating indignantly about the supposed 10lbs of weight she had to put on for “Country Strong” and how her body repulsed her afterwards? She looked the same skinny, undernourished string bean she did before, to me. Maybe it was 10 lbs of angst, Gwyneth? Eat a goddamn sandwich and shut up.
"Eat a goddamn sandwich and shut up."
ReplyDeleteSeconded. And thirded, if such a thing exists.
Well if it didn't, it does now! :) Well said, as always!
ReplyDeleteThey should name it 'roll up the rim and lose and also good luck drinking your coffee with it all mangled after that' contest.
ReplyDeleteA little wordy but I think it's appropriate.
Some of us are actually intelligent enough to drink the coffee BEFORE rolling up the rim, though. You know, usually... :)
ReplyDeleteyou could do one hand bright and one hand nude. that way you could change moods, just put the other hand out first.
ReplyDeleteThank you for applying the term "fancy" to me today. It changes my outlook, which up to this moment had meerly been hoping to get through the workday without dropping unconcious. Flirty I'm not sure I'm living up to yet, but then there are a few hours left, and if flirting with the chocolate aisle in the store counts, then, well, it could be good.
and it's a french store so you know there's worthwhile chocolate in it.
Good idea on the polish! I only do my toes though so I'd have to figure that out some more. :) As for the French chocolate - YEAH BABY! That, in itself, MAKES you fancy. So you know...you're already there!
ReplyDeleteI was in DC this weekend and at only 9 p.m. on Saturday, the streets were littered with belligerent drunk people celebrating St. Patty's Day, a full six days early. I was so irritated. I'm such a curmudgeon.
ReplyDeleteAnd Paltrow needs to shut up. My body puts on 10 pounds in a weekend.
By the way, I have a hole in my straw and it's really annoying.
The end!
Dude, holey straws are the worst. All that sucking and no pay off. I already wished I'd rephrased that...
ReplyDeleteSt. Patrick's Day is obnoxious. If I wanted to kiss a portly dude in a stupid hat who had goodwill towards all men, I'd go snog Santa Claus.
That bitchtard! And here I was, starting to like her because she's been pretty good on Glee. Humph. *grumble* sticks complaining about 10lbs *grumble*
ReplyDeleteWell looka you missy all up and chirpy. Spring must have sprung or some such, 0 degrees in your backwoods is real progress.
ReplyDeleteThe elastic gone in my speedo's so sharing your pain re errant underwear.
"Chivvie up ma wee hen"
Al: Yeah that bitch. :) I mean putting on ten pounds and still being stick thin is a GIFT and she has to go whining about it. Pffft.
ReplyDeleteJoe: Yeah I'm all sort of loopy today. Weird sleep last night. But weather that doesn't freeze your skin right off is a big improvement in EVERYTHING.
I want to "roll up the rim and win!" (Dirty.)
ReplyDeleteWhen I get sad about Japan, I think about shiny nail polish too. Further evidence we may be the same person.
Paltrow repulses me. She needs to be tied and forcefed lard. That will help her gain weight and prevent her from singing.
ReplyDeleteAs for the contest...starburst gummies always has some random contest going on with their packs of yumminess. Each one I've bought...and there have been many...have said "Congratulations, You Lose." Bastards.
Martini: Snort. How I missed that joke, I will never know. But well done YOU. :)
ReplyDeleteAmanda: What a pleasant image that formed in my mind, thanks! As for the contests, they do like to gloat don't they? I just bought another coffee. We'll see what this one says. Grrrr.
Gwynth can bite me!
ReplyDeleteI think you're safe, dude, that'd be too many calories. Unless you're made of celery in which case, DUCK AND COVER!
ReplyDeleteHey-now! I hope you realize what you've done. You can't just be all willy-nilly; hey guys there is this candle in circulation that makes girls tear off their cloths, rub foreign objects all over their bodies and makes them crazy like a cat in super stripper heat and not expect some poor sap to go buy every single 'pink sangria' in existence!
ReplyDeleteFor the love of Go...
Hahaha, shit, I lost a golden advertising opportunity there with B&BW! Honestly though. I bought one of those candles and it smells so good I can hardly contain myself.
ReplyDeleteGo with the bright colored nail polish. Bright generally translates to happy - or at least it does on my color wheel.
ReplyDeleteAs for that twat head GP, I only have one word: BARF! ...Oh, and also that I have been wondering who the heck told her that she has special singing abilities?
I don't know man. I mean she's not AWFUL, but she's not got a great big country voice either. She's adequate and adequate doesn't usually cut it, but then she is GWYNETH and so rules don't apply, I guess. Hmmm. I think I WILL go with bright, thank you!
ReplyDeleteTim Horton's always makes me think of upstate New York -- we don't have those down in these parts.
ReplyDelete(Though apparently we have beligerent drunks celebrating St. Pats 6 days early...)
I'd rather have Tim Hortons.
Ha, me too. I resent St. Pat's allowing me to get drunk. Being drunk is for EVERY DAY! :)
ReplyDeleteI kinda wish I went to Tim Horton's...i just don't drink coffee and they don't do anything fancy like decaf lattes. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteyou make it sound like so much fun.
"Eat a goddamn sandwich and shut up"
ReplyDeleteHer and every other stick thin freak in the movies. In fact, make it three large meals a day without throwing up afterwards.
Haha, I wish. They actually DO have lattes (I don't know about DECAF lattes) but I don't know how good they are as I drink my coffee strong, black and basic. :) Still, until I win I refuse to say anything THAT positive.
ReplyDeleteMartin: Seriously! There's a difference between being stick thin and looking good on a huge screen and real life. Seeing those girls in real life is just....painful. There's nothing to them at all. Who said you have to starve till you have no curves AT ALL? What does that make you? A boy.
ReplyDeleteAh well Veggie, you know how I feel about Gwyneth 'effing' Paltrow. She rated highly in my 5 celebrities I'd like to slap. Now I'd like to slap her even more.10lbs, oh the poor dear. I've seen fatter people in Niger for god's sake. Stupid cow!
ReplyDeleteI bet Gwynnie's hiding right now in terror. She should be. She's probably not strong enough to defend herself in a slapfest.
ReplyDeleteOH the bitchery is happening right here, today!
Well, that settles that. If my daughter ever turns out to be anorexic, I'm going to sue Gwyneth for making little girls everywhere think that being a size 2 is fat.
ReplyDeleteIf your kid thinks a size EIGHT is fat, I'll slap Gwyneth. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm going to name my parasite angst so I can talk about how much angst is weighing me down and angst makes me binge eat and angst gave me the herp.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping you're not insinuating your unborn child gave you the Herp? :) That'd be very Joan Crawford of you.
ReplyDeleteIn my humble but pointless opinion I believe that anyone who bleats indignantly is deserving of a new series of Lost. Hell, they should probably be given a free haircut and AT LEAST half a dozen coffees, Tim Horton (whoever he is) or otherwise.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should bleat indignantly?
There you go! Maybe they could at least make a spin off showing us what happened between the end of the show and the Church scene. A brief history of the island under Hurley's rule. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what the Church scene is, nor am I aware of "Hurley's rule" although from what I remember of the first few season of Lost it led me to deep feeling of frustration and inadequacy and ultimately pushed me into a downward spiral of incessant bleating (indignantly), so I can kinda relate, in a decaffienated (waiting till morning) bout of madness.
ReplyDeleteYikes, it's lucky you didn't watch the final seasons then. :) Confusion up the wazoo! Cool confusion. But confusion. Caffeinate up!
ReplyDeleteI constantly try and fail to like Gwyenth Paltrow.
ReplyDeleteCan't we just slap Gwyenth for the fun of it. If anyone needs a good slapping it's her, especially when she sings, that makes me think stabby thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sorry Veg. I love you and all, but it's really a sans underwear kind of day. Don't know why but it just is. Even my dogs know, they took one look and are now cowering under the couch in fear. Do they have doggy shrinks? I think they're going to need one.
I have no idea, but Gwyneth annoys the living shit out of me. In fact, she was on t.v. when I was going off about how much I dislike her to hubby and he asked why. I said, because she believes she's just like every normal woman and touts that we should own an extremely overpriced basic white shirt.
ReplyDeleteI think she needs a clue.
Okay, thanks for giving me my own personal soapbox.
JUST ME: Me too. She just seems a little...cold.
ReplyDeleteRusty: Dude, you go on with your bad pantsless self. :)
Little Ms: She's every other woman with a lot of money and no idea how other people live. Which is fine, but don't pretend you do, you know?
LMAO! I would be willing to personally mail that rimmed cup to Mz. Gwyneth, because I don't for foresee the angst riddled, bleating bean being able to choke down a sandwich.
ReplyDeleteI don't watch Lost, I live it baby .. I LIVE it.
Baaaaa!
(also uttered indignantly, though with an additional 30 #'s .. so I guess it'll sound more like "Mooo!")
You go on with your bad self, dude. Live that shit up. And you're right. A sandwich would be too filling. I like how we're all bitching on the Paltrow today. :)
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY....That's why she annoys me so...
ReplyDeleteThat was awesome. That is all.
ReplyDeleteFor real Gwen-ick .
ReplyDeletep.s. you dont sing that good
I just can't stop thinking about chimp dicks. That's all. Thanks Elly.
ReplyDelete"roll up the rim" sort of sounds like a torture of a man's cash and prizes of the teeny peeny variety.
ReplyDeleteand of course you're forever awesome.
I'd love to resemble an undernourished string bean...damn those sandwiches...
ReplyDeleteLittle Ms. B: Yeah that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteMs. Salti: Well awesome is good enough, crazy lady!
Jayne: For real, it's true. If she wasn't already famous I doubt she'd really get a contract in the big world of country.
Edie: As always you are WELCOME. Freak. :)
Meow: Yes. Yes it does. And thanks for making me think THAT every time I buy a coffee from now on. Ha!
Lottie: Well, one likes to eat food. One being anyone who isn't Gwyneth. I mean she looks fine I guess, but really, quit whining and eat a hot dog G. :)
I will never forgive Gwyneth Paltrow for helping to destroy one of my favorite songs (Prince's "Kiss") on Glee.
ReplyDeleteMan, poor Gwyneth. I'm almost sorry for her now. All the hate. :)
ReplyDeleteNothing puts me in a fouler mood than a stray bra wire.
ReplyDeleteI've always wondered about those RUTRTW cups. Think about it. The bit of paper that WINNERS (not Charlie Sheen) hand over to the clerk to claim their prize is most likely the same bit of paper that they have been drooling on whilst drinking their large double-double all morning. "Here, this bit of paper has been in my mouth, and now I want my free donut!" Yuck! - G
I know! I always wonder what they do with them when you bring them in to redeem for your free coffee or donut. Do they burn them? Does an employee take them, go to ANOTHER TH's and get lots of free shit? :)
ReplyDeleteWhy thank you, I am feeling both fancy and flirty, with a side dish of fatigued due to Skyler not sleeping.
ReplyDeleteBut I must inform you that I put on underwear for no person, not even somebody as awesome as you.
Well, you know, I wouldn't dream of making you break one of your own commandments! You just swing free, dude. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteHi Veg,
ReplyDeleteThis has nothing to do with your post, I just didn't know how to get this to you.
I saw this today and thought you would find it interesting (if you haven't already seen it!)
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fjezebel.com%2F%23!5781972%2Fnsfw-scenes-from-the-great-wall-of-vagina-exhibit%2Fgallery%2F1&h=825ea
-V
Thank you man. It sounds interesting what with walls of vaginas and all. :) I can't get to it though for some reason. Maybe because I don't have FB? Now I'm dying to know, damn you! :)
ReplyDeleteI checked it out (actually broke the speed of sound moving to my home computer when I saw the word vagina) and here is a link outside of FB:
ReplyDeletehttp://jezebel.com/#!5781972/nsfw-scenes-from-the-great-wall-of-vagina-exhibit/gallery/1
Here I go, word search for "vagina" :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI think the single best line I've read in a while is...
ReplyDelete"Eat a goddamn sandwich and shut up." Seriously!
Well it's not eloquent, certainly. :) But it's to the point!
ReplyDeleteTwo more days it will be spring and you're at zero degree? Where are you? North Pole? Should I complain about our 60 degrees and occasional rain?
ReplyDeletePretty close, yes! :) I'm ready to feel the warmth of sun on my skin. You have no idea!
ReplyDeleteomg, if gwyneth doesn't shut up about that invisible 10 pounds she gained and then subsequently lost over night via raw diet, colon cleans and namaste yoga, i am going to blow my brains out.
ReplyDeletealso? her faux country crooning reminds me of madonna's faux english accent. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE'S KIDDING?
Seriously, the girl's a few million shy of the trailer park. :)
ReplyDeleteGwyneth looks like she'd be a pain in the ass.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was a new season of Lost. I miss that show.
Me too! The world's certainly less exciting and colourful without it, no?
ReplyDeleteOh how I have missed my veg assasin moments. And now you banner tells me that you have PRO BIOTICS! Has it really been that long?
ReplyDeleteI just stopped in to say I hate my new boss and I kinda want to....(was gonna say hang myself until I realized that this would be a lie. I really want to shoot him in the eye with a dart that has poison from one of those creepy green frogs. Not the good ones that get you stoned. The OTHER ones.)
Wow. I'm thrilled you chose to vent to ME, Kimmie. Get some pro biotics in you, girl and your boss will seem like the weedy little douchecanoe that he is. Hallucinogenic toad or not.
ReplyDeleteI'm a petty person. I've been contemplating the eye drops in the coffee thing. I'll let you know how it goes.
ReplyDeleteI was mostly indifferent to Gwyneth until she started singing. And if that wasnt enough of an affront to music, she started singing country. Country music sung by anyone makes my want to stab my eardrums with dull pencils. Add Gwyneth to the mix and it's like they are TRYING to make me hurt myself. It should be illegal.
ReplyDeleteLife is too short for nude nails.
ReplyDeleteWow. The last sentence of your post made me laugh so loud I woke up my kids. Thanks a lot.
ReplyDeleteAngst weighs? Holy crap! I am soooo fat right now then!
ReplyDeleteKimmie: Or laxative! Laxative would work. :)
ReplyDeleteSunny: Yeah, you probably shouldn't see that movie then, dude. Actually, I saw it out of curiosity and I think NO ONE should see that movie, ever.
Brigid: Haha! Well, I don't know. I get distracted by the shiny so nude might be the way to go for MY nails. Or I'd never get anything done.
Mama: And yet...it was the sentence of TRUTH! :)
Charlie: Hee! Well I doubt it makes you fat. I mean Gwyneth has tons of it and she's still a bean pole who COMPLAINS about being fat so you know...you might be ok.
Prince looks so sensitive, soft and girly there. You know he has completely nude paintings of himself in his bedroom. I remember when I first saw Purple Rain I thought it was so DEEP.
ReplyDelete*Sigh*
I have a great affinity for Minnesotans because they keep a stiff upper lip through the cold weather like we do. I admire grit.
He does. Only he's on the other post. So that gives me free rein to laugh at you anyway. :)
ReplyDeleteSon of a bitch I feel lucky to have read this! ;)
ReplyDeleteWow, you DID have a bad day then, huh? :)
ReplyDeleteDamn it! I always forget to roll it up! I had one yesterday. I probably won.
ReplyDeleteDude, I think that EVERY time yet I never seem to win. Last year I won a lot. This year, I can't even get a free coffee! :)
ReplyDeletemy own state and i never knew that the blueberry muffin was the state muffin! great post! (you betcha!)
ReplyDeleteI didn't either, but I bet you'll always remember that piece of random info now, huh! :) OH and hi!
ReplyDeleteEverything about Gwyneth annoys me. Now, Aguilera, she's got some poundage to tend to. That moose needs to go on a diet. (I was going to say "cow", but I thought I'd Canadianize it for you...)
ReplyDeleteMrs. B: Aguilera, skinny or less so, is terrifying. WHY SO MUCH THICK MAKE UP? What is she hiding? Does she have scales and horns? Three nippes on her forehead? What?
ReplyDeleteThat picture of Prince is just...wow.
ReplyDeleteIt certainly IS! And it's a more hestitant "wow" not an enthusiastic "wow!" :) Or is that just me?
ReplyDeleteUnderwear is for squids...
ReplyDeleteNot wearing underwear gives a lady two squids dancing around in her t-shirt, Cap'n. No.
ReplyDeleteMy husband claims to have invented "roll up the rim and win" but has no proof at all. I sort of believe him because a.) he's super clever and b.) he has worked in marketing in food service since the late 80's so it's totally plausable. On the other hand - prove it buddy.
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo... Gweneth needs to shut the hell up with her 10 pounds.
Lady: Wow, for real? Maybe your husband is a latent millionaire or something. Get onto that! :) Maybe he can invent a device now that will shut Gwyneth up?
ReplyDelete