I don’t want you all thinking I’ve been debating ladies’ front bottoms all night or anything, because I haven’t, I much prefer thinking about men and their delightfulness, however, did you ever wonder how ladies, in the glamour days of old Hollywood, dealt with uh…how can I put this politely? Their AREAS? I mean, there’s a distinct possibility this hasn’t even crossed your mind, since not everyone is as inquisitive and badass-smart (!) and possibly deranged as I am, but I can’t see an old movie, where some beautiful, perfectly made-up starlet is relaxing by the pool in a swimsuit that looks like a romper suit, without thinking, “I wonder if that beguiling creature is smuggling a noonie like a sasquatch under that high waist swimsuit, ready to terrify Cary Grant later?” and then staring at it to see if I can catch a glimpse of any of it trying to escape.
So I have a few issues.
I mean we’re all used to modern times, where it’s just understood that a girl will do a little carpet taming in her private basement, if you get my drift. We all know that a little trimming or landscaping or shaving keeps things in check and guarantees we don’t scare any small animals, large men or passing postal workers, when wandering around the house in our birthday suits. And we’ve also seen photos of ladies in the terrifying seventies, when free love was all the range, complete with organic foodstuffs, smoking anything not nailed down, holding chickens and sporting a bush you could hide a family of illegal immigrants in.
It’s not that I’m consumed by these thoughts or anything, but I genuinely want to know. Were there secret, sadistic waxers already in business in the old days, ready to come to your house incognito, perhaps masquerading as the Avon Lady but armed and ready to rip the hair off your mary till it looks like Vin Diesel?
Those old time ladies were tough broads, you know!
Jayne: Up here, Jayne!
ReplyDeleteHehehehe! Thanks for drawing our attention to this long forgotten mystery of pubic proportions....
ReplyDeleteI reckon the glam girls of the 40s/50s had a nack with the old tweezers... in keeping with everything being more painful and difficult in those days, they must have plucked themselves giddy. Either that or they took their chance with their man's cut throat...?
As a public (and pubic) health warning, I think I should point out that ‘wielding a BIC disposable in one hand and a glass of gin in the other’ is generally not a good thing to do. Still, I see your point on the whole Lady Gardening business. Perhaps they were secret vajazzlers?
ReplyDeleteI almost bust something there at "plucked themselves giddy". What a fantastic phrase. I'm laughing at it again now. I did wonder about the cut throat razors. If they used those, never mind cooches, those woman must've had BALLS.
ReplyDeleteGreat.
ReplyDeleteNow I feel like watching something with Gabe Kaplan in it.
Hahahaha! You guys. Making me guffaw before it's even seven AM. Damn you. :)
ReplyDeleteLady Tee: I think in old Hollywood they probably vajazzled with real diamonds and medicated with Vermouth. That's a glam image, no? Or else they replaced their lady fuzz with white animal fur from Siberia or some such shit.
ReplyDeleteI think I passed out when you said "nick off chunks of her business."
ReplyDeletejdbsajv yo8skld;gj
(head, meet keyboard)
See? Did it again.
That's ok dude. Men and vaginas don't mix. Except when they do. You can feel queasy, it's allowed.
ReplyDeleteI've often wondered the same thing. I dont know that I could accept the truth though. The whole period "rag" thing kind of traumatized me. Ya know. Nothing like safety pinning a bandana of sorts to protect your bloomies from that which remains unspoken. I don't know though. Shiney gineys can be scary too.
ReplyDeleteWhy is this the first post I read this morning? I started reading and am also wondering about women's vaginas in the 30's & 40's.
ReplyDeletePrior to reading your post, I was debating what to have for breakfast.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
That's.. sadly enough very interesting. I would like to know too. The only thing you can do is to send mails to people who were young and hopefully fresh back on those days, preferably with a fashion sense, and ask them! Do it! Tell them I said hi.
ReplyDeleteIs there something wrong with me? 'Cause I never gave that problem a thought! Leave it to you, Veg (not to be confused with Vag)!
ReplyDeleteMy vagina objects to this message. She's retro like onion rings. Or something.
ReplyDeleteMaybe they had these:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.cuchini.com/pc/The-Cuchini-Pad-1p1.htm
I like the part where it says 'there is no bush for the cush'...
Classic.
Oh, I love the '70s bushes!
ReplyDeleteI cannot un-see that picture.
ReplyDeleteI also distinctly remember sneaking looks at my dad's Playboys back in the day. Which again reminds me of that picture.
It is going to be an interesting day.
I must compliment you on all the various ways that you referred to vaginas.
ReplyDeleteRumor had it that Cary Grant was terrified of vaginas in general, not just the hairy ones.
ReplyDeleteOne time I accidentally watched 2 minutes of a 70's porn. There was so much hair it was like I was at the zoo. For a minute I was mystified. Then I was just supremely grossed out.
ReplyDeleteI cannot overstate how dear this topic is to my heart. I appreciate the heck out of women that take on the awesome responsibility of clean shaving the biz.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if some day in the far future, when they have moving sidewalks and personal communicators, if they might invent 'Roomba' type devices to make this menial task easier? Seems like the shave robots would need a 'no fly zone' to prevent troubles?
I read somewhere that Marilyn Monroe once had a reporter in her home and said "do you mind if I brush my hair?" The reporter said to go ahead with her hairbrushing but was then shocked when Marilyn lifted up her skirt and proceeded to brush her hairy hoo-ha.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it's true or not, but the image has been burned in my brain ever since I read it. Whenever I see a picture of Marilyn Monroe I imagine her with a big ol' buffalo-sized ball of hair on her nethers.
*gag*
Hmmmm....I'm thinking men 'n' vaginas mix a hell of a lot better than vaginas 'n' gin 'n' those lethal bic razors...
ReplyDeletenoonie was a new word for me. so thank you, veggie.
ReplyDeletenow this is exactly the sort of conversation one needs to break up a horrendous day among the quality control documents.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
I will now go home and discretely wax, and not recount the experience to anyone.
I'm pretty sure people have always "groomed."
ReplyDeleteLikely any era or geographical location that pit hair and leg hair have been considered unattractive, I imagine that clam beards have been, at the very least, trimmed as well.
However, I doubt that back then things were taken to the the nine-year-old-girl extremes that we have today.
Apropos of nothing, I have a feeling that the current retro trend in fashion (high-waisted jeans, big glasses) is about to usher the 70s bush back into style. Mark my words, shaggy snappers are coming back. Happy International Women's Day!
Meow: Yeah, it's all quite baffling, frankly. The olden days seem hard for lady stuff.
ReplyDeleteLittle Ms. B: See, I probably was responsible for you losing 2lbs or something by putting you off food. Of course, if you're now hideously underweight I take NO responsibility.
Wynn: Oh ok. "Dear Elizabeth Taylor. In the forties and fifties did you prune your netherlands?" love Veg x PS Wynn wants to know
Eva: See, thanks to me, now you will think it every time you see a pretty lady in an old movie. And YOU ARE WELCOME.
Elly: Are you saying the Buggin' Vag is a Gabe Kaplan? (C) Mooooog
T.WeeZ: Lord preserve us woman. No Hollywood lady had cameltoe. They were smooth like Barbie. Oh wait...maybe they DID have those...
Wendy: Why does that NOT surprise me. :)
Brutie: See, your mind was blown long before that photo came along. Disclaimer.
Penny: Well thank you. I have a whole bank of them. I'll unleash the others some day. :)
Beck: Oh dear! Was he agoraphobic? (spend all his time in the closet?)
JUST ME: Hahaha, are you sure it wasn't a video about the mating habits of chimpanzees?
Eric: Oh dear. So you're saying you like YOUR ladies to look like ten year old girls, Tex? Shame on you! :) Actually fair enough. But if a lady has to do it, so does the guy. That should be the rule. A hair for a hair and all that.
ReplyDeleteCora: Hahahaha! What an awesome story. Now i have visions of her having long, swishy, shiny locks on her cookie. I wonder if she bleached those too?
Muummmmeeeeee: You're right. You're always right. It's the mommy in you. :)
Patty: You're welcome Patty. Incorporate it into at least three conversations today.
NanU: You're welcome. Quality control and vaginas, that's quite a day! And shhhh your secret's safe.
Johnson: Thank you. Thank you for "shaggy snappers". Seriously. It delights me. Personally I don't get the 9 year old girl thing. A bit of grooming and trimming should be fine, there's no need to really look like you've just had chemo. Is there? No. I spent this whole entry avoiding using the word "CLAM" yet there you go anyway. Tsk! :)
@Eric - Didn't you ever see that SNL "commercial" they did for the Woomba? Here: SNL Woomba
ReplyDeleteI'd comment but it's only available in the U.S. so I'm going to go sulk instead ok. (and maybe go check YouTube)
ReplyDeleteOh well, here: YouTube SNL Woomba
ReplyDeleteCheck YOU out, Mr. speed! :) Canada thanks you.
ReplyDeleteWhoa! Tina Fey said "business". And "noonie". I am SO EFFING CURRENT!
ReplyDeleteAlso, that was kind of terrifying, thank you.
They don't call me minute man for nothing.
ReplyDeleteWait...No...that came out wrong.
I'll be over here in the corner.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
ReplyDeleteDude.... :)
Actually that could be taken two ways when you think about it. Minute man and MINE-YOOT man. Either way...no.
I know eons ago, back in the days of gladiators and stuff....women would shave their privates. Then it was for lice and whatever else crawled around down there. Mainly it was the prostitutes who did it. Then they would wear a merkin. A toupe for the crotch. Why? Because hairy was in. If you want, I could make you a merkin out of yarn.
ReplyDeleteThat's the kindest thing anyone's ever offered me, dude. Can it be bright, offensive blue? :) Plus, how come you know so much about gladiator hoo-ha?
ReplyDelete@Joshua - Noooo, it's already been done before... I thought it was an original idea.
ReplyDeletemmm, dromedary podiatry, hahaaaaa
You can have whatever color you want! I think in a past life I was a merkin maker for the gladiator age.
ReplyDeleteBack in the oldy days, women were all bushy and men were men and carried big knives to dive into the business at hand.
ReplyDeleteNow there's a FINE mental image. Thank YOU, Sir.
ReplyDeleteI adore you Assassin. And I have nothing to contribute here. Seriously, this may be a first for me. I am very opinionated, but on this topic? I got nothin. You win. You are the champion, my friend.
ReplyDeleteSarah xxx
I wonder the SAME thing! That and if midgets have little wee-wees or normal size peepers. I asked one to show me once and he got pissed and walked away. I tried youporn but am pretty sure only those with super-duper big buddies do those films. Please help. Thanks in advance.
ReplyDeleteoh, i bet they TOTALLY had power muffs going on down there.
ReplyDeletetotally.
No. No, I can honestly say that I have never thought about this. But didn't everybody do drugs for, like, breakfast back then? They probably just tweaked out and went on a plucking frenzy. On Tuesdays, I suppose. That's when I'd do it.
ReplyDeleteI never thought about how trimmed nethers were in the old days. I guess I just assumed they were abundant based on what I know about the 1960s and 70s. I will forever ponder this each time I see an old movie from here on out. Thanks, Veg!
ReplyDeletePubic hair is overrated.
ReplyDeleteOr it would be if I'd have kept any.
TMI?
lol
Sarah: Ha, I consider my work here done. I thought you of all ladies would know. I mean vintage is your thing! Come on! :)
ReplyDeleteEdie: Dude. No comment. Please.
Jess: I think you're right. Plus they probably knitted it into a little wallet and kept their change in there.
Muffin: Damn right. Most boring day of the week. It's ripe for some mowing the lawn.
Sunny: You're welcome. Your life will be all the richer for it too, I believe.
Ed: Your "lol" was pretty little there dude. Is that a statement about something, hmmm?
I kinda like to think they tended their lady garden like they did their head hair. Mind you spending the night with giant curlers attached to your nether regions would be a bit of a passion killer.
ReplyDeleteAccording to my mother, you NEVER want to tweeze down there -- the ingrown hairs are killers.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in the 60s and 70s so have to admit that I'm rather fond of the bush (COME on!) and am regularly terrified of the poor defenseless/hairless crotches in the yoga locker room. I suspect that I am in the minority, but that nekkid crotchal area makes me think of elementary-aged girls and this leads to all kinds of societal questioning in my head.
I predict a turn-around in the next generation. Just wait! The bush will be back!
:-)
Pearl
I'm surprised there wasn't a terrible b-grade movie made on the suject. "The Giant Muff versus Godzilla!"
ReplyDeleteMichelle: OUCH! Another fine mental image. :) Mind you if long lady hair was in fashion, women today would be using straighteners on them!
ReplyDeletePearl: I think you're right. All things go full circle and pretty soon we'll be seeing them poking out of bikinis again. Actually wait. No one quite wants THAT...
Pat: Stop giving me ideas! :)
@Pat Tillet -
ReplyDeleteOMG -- 'Jamie and the Giant Peach'...
Hahahaha!
ReplyDeleteIn other news, get outta here with your Twitter talk. :)
I've been out of town the last few weekends and criminally neglecting my reader, but yours was the first post to show up on my reader when I finally did open it. And oh my God, what an awesome first post it was, too.
ReplyDeleteInky, dude, if you can't start your triumphant homecoming with a vagina, what's the point? :) Welcome back!
ReplyDeleteVeg, your blog is at the top of the list for "things I never thought about before but now can't stop thinking about". That doesn't fit neatly on a trophy, but you're a winner all the same.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can't wait for bush to come back. Acres of vag are clear cut every day. STOP DEFORESTATION. Maybe Sting will help.
See, you were doing well there right until you got all devious and mentioned Sting. That man shouldn't be anywhere near a self respecting woman's vajingle. But you're right. I don't get the barenaked jewel look myself. A little shaping and trimming works fine. A little waxing but not ALL. No one needs to look like they're 8. Unless they're 8.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, no one needs a bush like a chia pet either.
Maybe they had some sort of pussy Brylcreem to keep it in place?
ReplyDelete"A little dab'll do ya."
Now there's a thought. Not only controlled but GODDAMN SHINY! :)
ReplyDeleteFrom a guy's perspective, thank you. Nothing like a shiny pussy.
ReplyDeleteWait...what?
You and Words can have a man fight over it. :) I'll hold your coats.
ReplyDeleteDoes it thicken, volumize, and repair split ends?
ReplyDeleteI put shimmer on mine.
ReplyDelete(Glitter is déclassé.)
Shimmer. That's classy. That's subtle and alluring like, "Hi, I'm up for some fun but don't go thinking I'm a full-on whore!"
ReplyDeleteYes, exactly. You're like the Vagina Whisperer!
ReplyDeleteWhoa....
ReplyDelete