Holy pig balls, guys. I can only apologize for not bombarding your fine blogs with inane comments the past few days but I’ve had the most enormous, fuck-off sized eye headaches. This is due to a combination of my sinuses being hijacked by Osama Bin Laden (probably) and the fact I have light grey eyes which are about as light sensitive as a man with fourteen eyes who’s been released into the face of the Sun after ten years locked in a dark, rapey basement. Ouchy. I can barely stand to look at a computer screen for more than five minutes without swooning Vivian Leigh style and proclaiming, “BRIGHT LIGHT! BRIGHT LIGHT!” in the voice of one of the Gremlins.
I’m off now to bathe my eyes in something soothing.
Hilarious guest post Veg Ass...hope your fuck-off sized eye ache fucks off...sounds bloody painful...
ReplyDeleteIt effing IS, Muummmmeeeeee! I'm currently looking at things through one eye to help the other one rest.
ReplyDeleteJust read your post.... funniest thing I have had the fortune to read in a long time :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Veg...
PS No mention of the Italian persona though... or is that a post on its own?
You know dude, I did have a part about Italians and Russians and Hungarians but it was so damn long already, that they had to come out. I figure most people going to Europe probably go to the more obvious countries anyway. Although Italy, seriously, it's a crazy melting pot of insanity. And pizza.
ReplyDeleteYou're saying that after all this time and money and lives spent in Afghanistan that we just simply needed to be looking in your retina for Osama?
ReplyDeleteMakes sense.
I don't know what a sky muffin is, but it sounds sexy.
ReplyDeleteOh, and feel better.
Mmmmm..rapey basements. Only thing better than rapey basements is anal-rapey basements.
ReplyDeleteI want one of those. Nao. Kidding, but I really hope your sinuses drain out (all over your pillows)
and you feel better.
:)
Boo to head pain! But I still heart you! Feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteHappy Nat'l Pancake day
ReplyDeletewow, you hit the nail on the head with the australians, americans, and spaniards. lolz.
ReplyDeletedid i mention i hate travelling avec les americains...? sometimes* we're such a disgrace.
*all the time
Ah, Italia. Mmmm pizza.
ReplyDeleteMmmmm sky muffins...
...
Moooooog: He is THAT elusive.:)
ReplyDeleteMartini: It's something you eat with a cappuccino. Or a flight attendant. One of those things.
Miss G: Gasp! And LOL. And thank you. :)
FF: Aw you are nice. Especially for a fool! :) Thank you.
A: Where do you get this stuff, woman? Now I want pancakes. Thank you SOOO much.
Gunny: Yes I am good at stereotyping. Although it's also true. All of it.
Eric: Pizza, my dear, is easier to get and cheaper, I'd stick to that. And usually cheesier. Not always, but usually.
The lashes my look a little gnarley in the photo, but the color is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteOkay okay, I'm going...
Mr. Dude, really, I don't know what happened. It was late afternoon and my eyeliner disappeared and wasteland lashes ensued. I have long lashes in actual fact. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteI'm back...
ReplyDeleteIt was brilliant and hilarious!
YOU are brilliant and hilarious! See, I can be nice too. Don't go getting used to it.:) Oh, and thank you.
ReplyDeleteOoh poor you! *makes cooling head hand waving movements*
ReplyDeleteYou're right though, us light irised lasses don't half suffer with that whole sunlight ouchy thing. Also means we'll be wrinkly as a chicken's leg by the time we're 40.
On that note, feel better Veg!! x
What exactly is in a comforting eye bath? Oatmeal? Tabasco? Steel Wool?
ReplyDeleteIs it like a jellyfish sting? Do you need me to pee in it? I would do that for you. I'm just going to need you to hold really, really still.
Jude: Stupid paleness. Stupid northern European genes. We are, however, awesome. :)
ReplyDeleteElly: I like to think it's natural yogurt, slightly warmed. Then you can eat it after.
You just gave me a great idea for a new series over at my place, "Photos of Sky-Dads body parts".
ReplyDeleteYou can use them to scare the mice away if nothing else works.
Your eyeball looks a lot like mine. OMG, we're eyeball twinsies!
ReplyDeleteSkypop: Haha, I'm going to blow mine way up to giant size and put it in the lobby of the building to freak people out. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteMiss Y: So THAT'S where my right eye went! :) My right eye is nicer. No brown flecks. Actually, I just want green/hazel eyes instead. Do your eyes look different colours every time you change clothes as well? Gah.
You are such a Looney Toon! I love your posts! Thanks for the travel tips.
ReplyDeleteOne day, you'll find yourself somewhere exotic in a European sense (I'm desperately trying to think if such a thing exists) and you'll remember those points. And see I am right!
ReplyDeleteDidn't realise that it was eye colour that causes red eyes...mine are the same colour as yours. i am so glad it's not the quantity of wine consumed the previous evening after all!
ReplyDeleteMuch obliged. xx
Haha, well wine certainly doesn't help! But ouch, I get light sensitive easily. You probably do too, being of northern Euro stock and all. :) I bet it's something to do with the long winter darkness...
ReplyDeleteYou know if the eyes are a window to the soul I'm now pee your pants scared (and slightly aroused, though that could be left over from watching too many episodes of True Blood in a row).
ReplyDeleteHope the eye pain leaves the building. That kind of thing sucks dog balls.
And all KINDS of balls, dude. But yes, this headache is resistant to drugs it seems. My eyes don't want to look at screens yet...they must! :) Anyway, I hope YOU are feeling ok?
ReplyDeleteI can vouch for the Frenchy thing 100%. They're the only people that see no logical problem with getting mad at you equally for either not trying to speak their language or for trying.
ReplyDeleteABSOLUTELY true my friend. At least in Paris. I find the more south you go, the more normal they are and then they appreciate a little effort, even if they do still enjoy watching you sweat and struggle a bit. They make great croissants though, which almost makes me forgive it...
ReplyDeleteWHAT IS UP WITH YO' EYE?!!?
ReplyDelete-Chris rock.
I felt like that was appropriate here even if nothing is up with your eye.
Bobcat Goldthwait.
ReplyDeleteYou name-checked Bobcat Goldthwait.
We are now best friends forever.
That is all.
Rahul: Strangely enough it was like Chris was here in the room with me then. FREAKHY!
ReplyDeleteMel: Hahaha, I did! He's a freaky shouty thing and seemed appropriate somehow...
I hate headaches. I usually try to make it go away with tons of chocolate but it rarely works.
ReplyDeleteI bet it's fun trying though, no? :)
ReplyDeleteAre you like the "Tell Tale Heart" guy? If so, you should stay away from crazy people.
ReplyDeleteAnd if your sinuses don't clear -- the terrorists.
Yes I am. I also have bodies under my floorboards and a vulture eye. Beeyatch.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lovely eye. I can't vouch for the other one since you didn't show us. The guest post you wrote better not be about some horror story since I'll be flying AGAIN this Thursday morning...
ReplyDeleteIt's only a horror story if you're already at your destination and you encounter any of the subjects. :)
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of California, I always picture myself on the Ventura Highway listening to America on the ole ipod...
ReplyDeleteStrange story that I can't be bothered telling right now, I once broke down on Ventura Highway. I mean the car did not ME. :)
ReplyDeleteNext time call me, I live 50 yards from an entrance to the Ventura Freeway :)
ReplyDeleteWell, Jesus, NOW you tell me. :)
ReplyDeleteUm. I wasn't insinuating you are Jesus.
It's okay, I get that a lot.
ReplyDeleteI love that all these comments are on ENTIRELY the wrong post. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's Reality Jayne's fault!
ReplyDeleteYeah, she totally started it. We just humored her by playing along.
ReplyDeleteGrey eyes eh? Must be related, complete with the rust dots. Only mine go bright green when I get pissy.
ReplyDeleteNever thought the eyeball headaches were related to color, but the whole "BRIGHT LIGHT!" eyeball rapey thing I totally get.
Ice and margaritas both help.
Margaritas also GIVE you them. :) Mine go light green or light blue depending on what I wear or what the weather's like. Stupid moody eyes!
ReplyDelete