The Seven: 3. Procrastination

Saturday, September 25th, 2010 - night time with a chill in the air

Why yes, I am still alive, thanks for asking. I've been busy though. Really busy. Only time to check my email once a day, busy. And I'm goddamn tired. But I thought it was probably about time I continued the seven things meme, before I totally forget about it and start babbling about something else instead. You see, I've been procrastinating my meme duties.

So yes, procrastination. I procrastinate quite a bit. I read somewhere that it was a sign of a psychological defect, but I hardly think that's true. I mean hello! Look at me. My mind is a healthy, devious, smart bastard. So I'm declaring shenanigans on that theory. I'd go find the article in question and link to it but honestly, I can't be assed right now so I'll do it later.

See what I did there?

Actually I don't procrastinate everything, of course I don't. I only procrastinate unpleasant things. I mean show me anyone who's keen to do unpleasant things. Only a halfwit with OCD or a Jim Carrey fan is in a hurry to do nasty things. Or a reality show contestant. Or whoever dares touch Lindsay Lohan without bio-hazard gloves.

I never procrastinate nice things. I mean you put a giant bar of chocolate the thickness of a rugby player's leg in my fridge and see how long it takes me to devour it. Go on, try it. I haven't timed this, but I'm willing to bet that before you can spell 'procrastinate' that bar will be cozy and safe in my belly. So obviously I don't have a problem per se, just a tendency to be selective about which tasks I perform in a timely fashion.

I was actually going to write out a list of things I procrastinate and things I don't but then I thought, 'Ah screw it, I'll do it later.'

Because that joke never gets old.

The Seven: Why Ukuleles Are Cool

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010, bedtime with a song in my heart
Well, I am certainly not doing well with this supposed "Seven Things" meme. So far I've written about one thing and then I totally ran out of things! Things eluded me, people. Until today.

Today I'm writing about Thing Number Two, "Astrophysics and the Process of Nucleosynthesis".

Ha, right. Look out your window. Do you see a flying pig? Well then. In that case I'm writing about "Why Ukuleles Are Cool".

 So without further ado:

WHY UKULELES ARE COOL

Ukuleles are cool because they are hideously uncool. You don't see dudes dressed head to toe in leather, hair in eyes, smoldering at you over a cigarette, carrying a little, wee, fey mini-guitar now do you? No. That's because those dudes don't know a damn thing about cool. Sure, your old school cool might involve leather and lung cancer and looking like Ethan Hawke if he hadn't bathed in a month, but the new cool? Ukuleles my friends. Ukuleles are cool.

I'll tell you why. A uke is like a tiny guitar. It makes tiny guitar noises. Like taking a guitar, shrinking it (kind of like you used to do with chip packets and an oven), then forcing it to make cute noises. Plunk plunk plunkety plunk. That kind of thing.

Also, they come in all sorts of fun shapes and colours and sizes. Some are shaped like pineapples! How cool is that? If you said "really fucking cool, Veg" you'd be correct.

Others are shaped like mini Les Paul guitars or tiny Fender Strats. But those are for posers with tiny penises. Don't get your ass caught with one of those. I'm kidding, mine's actually the Les Paul shaped one. I'm so ashamed. No, I'm not.

Ask Jude and Elly how cool ukes are. They'll open their arms wide as a goddamn football field. Because they know. You don’t have to wear cable sweaters, mountain-man bushy beards and eat lentils to enjoy the ukulele.

I mean you can if you want…

As if all this wasn't enough evidence of the mondo-coolness of the ukulele, remember they're from Hawaii and anything that reeks of Hawaii is cool by default.

Well, okay, maybe not Dog the Bounty Hunter. I imagine he reeks of ball sweat, old leather and cabbage. I can’t see that tosser with a uke, can you? A NUKE maybe…

But on the other side of the coin there are pineapples, hibiscus flowers, mai tais, surfing, glorious beaches, "Lost" and ukuleles.

Happy Thursday, bra! (That’s like…Hawaiian talk you know. I wasn’t talking to my brassiere. Not this time.)