I’m a busy fucker this week, you guys. I’m so busy I’m running around like a blue-assed fly, trying to do things, then not doing them because I remember something else more important I have to do and get confused about which to do first, so I do neither, then there’s a sort of Mexican stand-off situation so I have to give in and go get a terrifically gargantuan coffee, after which I find I can suddenly do FIFTEEN THINGS, ALL AT THE SAME TIME, WHILE YELLING ENCOURAGEMENT AT MYSELF VERY LOUDLY, then crashing very suddenly two hours later and sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth and talking in tongues.
I may need to decaffeinate, seriously.
Anyway, this is how busy I am. I have a tube of Cadbury’s Mini Crème Eggs in the fridge and I’ve been too preoccupied to even to eat those. There’s a chance I may have a fever or something that might change the entire future of mankind.
I have a helpful hint for you all as well. Don’t wear sweat pants. Ever. I mean sweat pants are ugly and possibly harbouring extreme evil and should be for sports and running type things only, but we all wear them in the house sometimes and well, it’s winter, they’re cozy, it’s cold out, they’re comforting, you can nap in them, you can run out to the store in them, you can paint in them and do yoga in them and then you can totally eat chocolate and cheese and cake and tequila and pizza and your pants still fit and you’re still cozy and comfortable and happy and munchy but then, suddenly, you have to go someplace where there are people, so you put on real pants with like…a waistband and a zipper and well… What is this fresh hell? Some horrible bastard TOOK YOUR PANTS IN! Probably while you were sleeping. And now it’s like squeezing four pounds of dough into a two pound loaf tin. It’s all the sweat pants’ fault for seducing you with comfort, for luring you to the edge of the abyss then pushing you over, for not telling you to say “when”. Say no to sweat pants. They are fuckers and they will shrink all your other pants.
It’s the only possible answer.
I swear I had a real reason to post this entry and I can’t, for the life of me, remember what it was. To distract you, here’s a new tiny painting for you instead.
I am familiar with the sweat pant conspiracy and I think my stance on them is well known (as I've written about it ad nauseum).
ReplyDelete"You can't trust an elastic waistband." That should be embroidered on a pillow somewhere -- and perhaps glued to the refrigerator door.
Pearl
This is so true. Maybe a tattoo, backwards on a forehead for mirror purposes? Or....not.
ReplyDeleteI hate those pants... bastards!
ReplyDeleteThat is funny. Is this the reason I see so many people out in their P.J. pants??? Their "real" pants have shrunk and no longer fit properly?? Must be.
ReplyDeleteHeh, I read 'decaffeinate' wrong when I scanned it the first time.
ReplyDeleteRed sweats, fashionable according to Wendy Brandes?
Do women really have to wear pants? Just saying.
Jillian Michaels owes her life to sweatpants.
ReplyDeleteWithout their mass use by society, she would just be another lesbian fitness freak.
So, basically a High School gym teacher.
The same effing thing happened to all my spring and summer clothes! They all shrunk during the winter while I was wearing pajamas all the time and here I'm stuck with two huge thighs I've now named Kirstie and Alley and like nothing but pajamas to wear to Scope's family reunion in a week and a half.
ReplyDeleteStupid evil pajamas!
Boom Boom: Yeah, mean mean pants with their evil agenda!
ReplyDeleteBrooke: You might indeed be right. It would explain a LOT. :)
Eric: Well dresses get drafty in winter you know! Or wait. Maybe you didn't mean the alternative was dresses. Perhaps you just don't want them to wear pants. Dude.
Ed: Hahaha! You said that, not me. Jillian will track you down and kick your ass. Probably while wearing sweats.
Cora: See? EVIL. Shrinking all our clothing like that. The nerve.
My sweat pants are my besties. They're covered in paint and chocolate and they smell like wet pygmy goats (which apparently are even stinkier than full size goats - go figure).
ReplyDeleteWet pygmy goats? You've sniffed many of those, dude? I'm alarmed.
ReplyDeleteGreat painting, but no airstream??? I'm going to paint some baseboards today, so I HAVE to give sweat pants a try. Maybe I'll put a belt over it...
ReplyDeleteYeah you dress those things up and maybe they'll leave your pants alone! :) No Airstream today but I feel I haven't painted one in a while so the time might be happening soon... Hmmm yes.
ReplyDeleteWait a tic, you wrote a blog entry at 6:02 a.m.? How do you have cognizant thoughts at that ungodly hour?
ReplyDeleteAlso,sweat pants make me feel like I'm getting a hug from a bunny's abdomen. And I can't find anything bad about that.
Autopilot, dude. Hence the run on sentences and nonsensical jabberings. A hug from a bunny's abdomen! Well. That's disturbing and hilarious all at once. Mostly disturbing though. I approve.
ReplyDeleteYou are too funny! I'll bet it's your friend the mouse who took in those pants while you were sleeping!
ReplyDeleteAs I shirk from home most days, I can go weeks without putting on anything with a zip or button, so I know all about the perils of the tight-fitting pant(used in the sense you guys do over there, not here where pants are your undies!)
ReplyDeleteGreat painting :-)
Jeans are a gateway fat pant too. Denim stretches far more than dress pants do. The fact that I can wear jeans to work has contributed to the fact that I no longer can fit into the dress pants I used to wear at my old job.
ReplyDeleteI think we should be required to wear slacks once a week to keep us honest.
(Slacks is totally a word my mom would use. I'm horrified.)
I thought you were going to try those PajamaJeans and report back to us? Personally, I'm really curious!
ReplyDeleteI think I was in middle school the last time I owned a pair of sweatpants. Damn growth spurts. Oh, Cadbury eggs. Those are...wait, sweatpants. They are...oh, look, a lighthouse.
ReplyDeleteFunny stuff. Thanks for the advice on sweat pants. I actually found some with cargo pockets, but now I know the truth about the dangers of total round-the-clock comfort. Crisis averted.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, if you don't wash your pants for a few weeks, and instead keep them in a secret pile you've named "Laundry Limbo", they fit better and better. I mean... you get thinner and thinner. Magic.
ReplyDeleteamen to the sweatpants booshet. i hate when i see stupid LA moms wearing their ridiculous looking velour sweatpants that have the bedazzled JUICY branded across their stupid buttcheeks like they JUST.CAME.FROM.THE.GYM.AND.SHIT. ps: you're not fooling anyone.
ReplyDeletewith that said, i've been sporting an endless cycle of stretchy pants since i started working from home and it's been great. that is, until last night when i tried on my bridesmaid dress that i'm supposed to sport in two weeks time and i heard a little :::snap::: when Boyfriend tugged at the zipper.
shitballs.
Eva: Damn, you make sense! I haven't seen him in months now but he could well be hiding and plotting pants revenge. It's totally his style.
ReplyDeleteNat: Same here! Then on with the real pants and holy hell! Bah.
Mandy's: Yeah stretchy materials are the devil. And "slacks" made me cackle because "slacks" are something old ladies wore in the seventies in my head. :) And for something called "Slacks" they ain't so slack after the sweat pant thing.
DK: Honestly, my dignity hasn't let me go that far yet. It's still reeling over the thought they're only one short step away from being jeggings.
Joshua: It's ok man. My attention span isn't what it used to be either. :) Oh look! Shiny!
Brandon: You just try on some real pants before you go to sleep every night and check that no devious sweat pant has messed with your waistband! Then you should be fine. :)
Steamy: Oh my God, of course! Like when you have stretch jeans and you wear them for a week straight without washing then miraculously you lose 10lbs overnight! I LOVE THAT!
Gunny: Oops. See? See what the stretchy pants have done to you? They're all in some union together - sweat pants, stretchy pants, pajamas, drawstring pants, leggings - all out to make your other garments no longer fit. I smell a big, fat conspiracy.
You are _so_ damned lucky to live in a land where there is gargantuan coffee available on every block, sometimes two or three times. And served to GO! my GOD! To experience the blasphemy of cardboard cups and the serious excess of more than two ounces a serving, I have to go to fucking Paris. And I Hate Paris. Though I have to go there on Monday and you can bet your sweatpantsed ass I will be right there in Starbucks, indulging. More than once.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your creme eggs.
Awwww no gargantuan coffee? Come sit down and let me stroke you, you poor unfortunate. Actually, I only have one place near me to get coffee and it's a 24 hour garage.:) But it's good coffee at least. And big! Say hi to Paris. I haven't been in Paris in years and years. At least there's a city where you can get GOOD STRONG COFFEE. Do they still have those OJ booths shaped like giant oranges everywhere?
ReplyDeleteHey the sweatpants are INNOCENT!! INNOCENT I tell you!! It's all the fault of the evil creme eggs.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of them around these days. They sneak under the radar round about Eastertime. Don't say I didn't warn you!
I hadn't even EATEN the creme eggs though. Of course, there were OTHER things I had eaten... I still blame the pants. Sorry. You are wrong. :)
ReplyDeleteHmmmm, how many of those little creme eggs can you fit into the pockets of yr oversized sweats? Let me know...
ReplyDeleteSadly they don't have pockets and if they did there'd be no room for any creme eggs because the overspill from my gut would be taking up THAT real estate. :) Almost.
ReplyDeleteUggh. Sweat pants. I just woke up in sweats, took a shower, and put on another pair of sweats. I mean, granted, I'm sick, but I know that when my hips get too relaxed in these comfortable fuckers, they'll get all loosy goosy on me and then- bam!- I'm doing the tuck-my-love-handles-into-my-jeans dance the next time I try to look any kind of presentable in public. And I am running out of time to use the "I just had a baby excuse..." How long you think that buys me???
ReplyDeleteI'd think if you try hard enough you'd get five years out of that easily. And maybe by then you'll have had another one to buy you ANOTHER five. :)
ReplyDeletewell someone is all about the tiny today. love the tiny creme eggs and tiny painting.
ReplyDeletealso love that gargantuan coffee speedy focused smart feeling. my pants like it too. then i eat lunch and destroy the delusion that i'm actually capable of a day without bloat.
ps: muffin top painting is hilarious.
I was thisclose to ordering some Pajama Jeans, but I figured that would mean that I'd just given up on life.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could just talk to me about Cadbury Creme Eggs every day and that will destroy my appetite. You Brits/Scots and your mucus-filled candy.
Patty: Tiny eggs, giant coffees. Excellent day. Of course, tiny pants = less excellent. Damn!
ReplyDeleteBeck: Oh you Pittsburghers and your no taste in candy. Release the goo, BeckEye. The goo in your head that is. The Cadbury goo is deeeeeeelicious.
Jody: Eat the creme eggs, woman, just don't wear the Ugg pants too long while you do it. Also, your comment is down below on the last entry, silly pants.
ReplyDeleteI need new glasses... At first I thought you were telling me to never WET my pants. Which is understandable, but if I give THAT up... well, then where do we stop? I mean, it IS Lent n' all...
ReplyDeleteWell it sort of goes without saying "DO NOT WET YOUR PANTS, CAP'N" but whatever floats your boat, dude. Don't just give that up for Lent, give it up for HUMANITY. :)
ReplyDeleteWe call sweat pants, tracksuit pants over here or, if you really want to be Australian: trakkie daks. I love my trakkies, it's how I know I've actually stopped work. Well, that and being in my house but, you know. I think the problem is, the elastic is too spongy. Trakkies need to be held up with wire or something just to keep you honest. Or you could just wear them all the time, saying, 'oh yeah, just came back from a 10K run, I keep these on to warm down.' Believe me, no one will question it, especially if, like me, you sweat tying your shoelaces.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! So you need some trakkie daks with actual waistbands and a girdle really? Not YOU as in you, but YOU as in people in general. Trakkie daks. That is just fucked up. :)
ReplyDeleteDr. Heckle: Your response is on the entry below with your comment, you insane person.
ReplyDeleteYou want to talk fresh hell? I have lost 5 pounds and gained an inch around my waist!!
ReplyDeleteSomebody is just messin with me...
I love sweats but not of they are tight. Too much truth.
ReplyDeleteWhen you get caught in a rainstorm, do you blame your house for acclimating you to dryness? I say why blame the sweatpants, which make us all feel good? Blame the DRESS PANTS for unfairly restraining us!
ReplyDeleteThe answer? Dungarees.
ReplyDeleteOr you could take the male approach, stop caring about it and tell yourself that no matter how big you get you still have the physique of a Greek God and are SOOOO attractive to every woman who sees you.
I just had to put away a pair of jeans because they're too small for me. This is not encouraging, especially since I've given up all treats and live off of well, not sweets or all those comfort foods. Boo.
ReplyDeleteI expect to get in them again very shortly. Oh, and I'm wearing a pair of HUGE sweatpants of the seriously fugly persuasion, elephants ass 2011. But if I didn't have them I'd go without pants, and considering that I'm feeling a breeze inside my apartment right now, that wouldn't be a good idea. Catch 22.
Or not really catch 22, but you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteSkypop: That's just UNFAIR, man. That's someone in the cosmos making fun of you. Go on strike! :)
ReplyDeleteIz: Hahahahaha! Yes, tight sweats is a whole other pie. Shudder!
Words: Aren't you the "half glass full" guy today. But I like this thinking. Fuck YOU, dress pants for trying to keep my awesome in a small package!
Martin: Dungarees would make me look like the guy who comes to paint the outside of your house, or a children's TV presenter. :) But hey, you can hide a multitude of sings in those things I guess.
Wynn: Stupid jeans. Making you stop eating treats to wear them. I hope they're happy governing your life like that! Actually mine are now governing mine so I'm back on grapes and water as snacks till then. So sad.
Those damn sweat pants seduced me as well. I would say the 5,000 cadbury eggs I swallowed whole while auditioning for Ripleys " The Fattest Woman on Earth" traveling sideshow was the cause .. but now I see THAT was just an elaborate ruse by those god forsaken sweat pants!
ReplyDeleteFuckers.
"Sweatpants?", heathen. The classy people of the Southern hemisphere call them 'trackie dacks'. Next you'll be telling me my jumpers are really 'sweaters'. Freaks. What is it with you and your Northern hemisphere brethren and this fascination with bodily ooze?
ReplyDeleteCadbury Mini Eggs (the ones with the crunchy shell) are why my pants no longer fit.
ReplyDeleteChef: See? It's all the pants' fault. Sneaking in and altering your real clothes. Pout.
ReplyDeleteRusty: I heard about trackie dacks somewhere above. Hahaha, I'd never noticed the "sweat" fixation before. Now I feel all worried. Are there "saliva tops" out there somewhere? Do I want to know?
Mama: I love those too. Anything Cadbury in egg shape is good. The little caramel ones too. Oh lordy yes.
Agreed. Sweat pants (and any other form of elastic waistband pants) should come with a warning label under the washing instructions.....
ReplyDeleteshe says as she glares at her Weight Watchers meal and bottled water.
Wow! I had no idea she had died,so sad!
ReplyDeleteThat's it! I now officially make your blog my one stop spot for news!!
Mini eggs don't satisfy me. I need the FULL SIZE ones.
ReplyDeleteMs. OWO: Yes they should. Or should have a function where you can set them to a maximum capacity type thing so it alerts you when you've exceeded it. :)
ReplyDeleteMr. M: I know, really, I'm SO on top of matters. Usually I'm like, "So and so died? When?" and whoever I'm talking to will go, "Uh...1998?"
Wendy: Full size! Well yes you are of course, correct. However, eating several tiny ones is equally fine. :)
Lol! So very true. And your picture cracked me up. I'm sure there's an obvious explanation for the pink in the middle of your stomach, but it has escaped me and instead I've chosen to see it as the blood literally pooling from lack of circulation.
ReplyDeleteNow, go to one of those friendly stores like the Gap and get jeans heavy on the stretch factor. They're our friends. Like, our best friends.
THOSE ARE MY UNDERWEARS!!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteNo worries about dear old Liz hogging the news... here she got her 5 minutes of fame, and then we moved back to the usual: reruns of the same images from Japan and Libya. All in all depressing!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteCris: It's all so predictible. Sigh!
ReplyDeleteWynn: You're really freaking me out right now, dude. :)
Oh come on, how could you not get that one?!
ReplyDelete