Presenting North Dakota: The Greatest State of All Time

Wednesday, January 12, 2011 – holy mother of fuck I’m tired, allergies, sprouted grains, lethargy

As you all probably gathered by now, I’m all about teaching people really useful or informative things; new swear words to shout, true historical accounts of things the way they actually happened (i.e., in my head), how to get out of doing almost anything. I figured a good thing to do would be teach you all a bit of useful information about the world, beginning with the United States. So let me ask you this. What is the most awesome state ever out of all fifty states? That’s correct! It’s a state I’ve come to know very well - North Dakota.

I bet you all never gave a hot damn about North Dakota did you? You all probably think it’s some empty, cold wasteland that’s practically in Canada and well…you’d be correct.

 But I’m here to tell you that ND doesn’t get the respect it deserves. North Dakota is a veritable wonderland of fantasy and adventure. And I know this because I found some guy on the web that says so, because he’s a native North Dakotan and he gave many perfectly valid, intelligent reasons as to why ND is the greatest state that ever existed.

Oddly, one of those reasons isn’t, “Because Veg hangs out there”. So clearly, he’s an idiot because I raise that state’s cool profile hugely. Even when I’m not there I’m sure they talk about me with hushed reverence and bestow me with honours. Kind of like when the mudders gave Jayne Cobb a statue (and a song) in Canton after he “donated” all that money to their cause. Look it up, TV philistines.

I’m not sure this ND guy’s done a whole lot of traveling though, because one of his reasons for North Dakota’s supremacy is:

“It is the home of places such as Fargo, Bismarck, Minot, Grand Forks, and Medora”

Yes. Yes it is. All world class cities of major importance and all in close proximity to some fine missile silos. Plus, I can never find a parking spot in downtown Fargo for all those movie stars and fashionistas hanging out everywhere looking glamorous while all I want to do is get into the IHOP.

Or some other posh restaurant that ND is full of.

My favourite of all his reasons though was this one, quoted verbatim:

“[ND is] a state that has a high percentage of it's high school graduates go on to collage”

I’m going to go ahead and assume one of those graduates wasn’t this guy, or if it was, we can be pretty sure he didn’t graduate in grammar or spelling. I mean we all make the “it’s” vs. “its” error now and then if we’re in a rush, even I do it sometimes because I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but I’m not 100% perfect, merely about 98.9%. I can forgive that. But “collage”? Although, I don’t know, maybe I’m the idiot because perhaps he just meant that North Dakotan high school grads are just really excellent at making kickass collages of stuff. Like, for example, the 49 better states. Or major highways out of North Dakota.

Sorry North Dakota, I’m kidding. I actually like ND. There, I said it. I’m somewhat amazed at myself but I do. People are nice, stuff is cheap, there’s low tax, lots of space, practically the lowest car insurance in the whole of the United States and it’s close to the three Ms (Minnesota, Montana and Manitoba) if it all gets too much and you need to get out fast.

And then there’s the accent. Ya, ya, you betcha! Who can’t hear that and not be cheered up?

I’m not sure that this is the best reason to toot ND’s horn but this guy does:

“[It is] a state that has a high percentage of church goers.”
This here would be the very reason I’d surround the entire perimeter of my ND apartment with garlic wreaths and photos of Alice Cooper and Marilyn Manson every night. Those repel devout church goers, don’t they? Garlic and goths?

So come on peeps, let’s hear it for North Dakota whose slogan isn’t, but should be: NORTH DAKOTA: SOUTH DAKOTA’S AWESOME HAT.

Whose state will I pick on next? Who knows? Suggest one if you want, I have vast and fabulous knowledge about all of them.