Monday, January 10th, 2011, Good God it’s still not July, where’s my cake, another unrecognizable, nonsensical, made-up scientific word on my yogurt carton, stubbed, throbbing right big toe, forks up the wazoo
Is anyone else over winter yet or am I alone in that skyscraper of doom? Long, frigid, seemingly never ending dark snowy days and nights are making me feel about six different kinds of disgruntled. Today I even growled at myself to fuck off after dropping my toast on the floor. When you’re feeling stabby at yourself, it might be time for a vacation. And I’m feeling VERY stabby.
Proof in point, the other day, while having my mellow slowly obliterated by some slow, whiny, annoying woman checking out ahead of me in the supermarket, all I could think about was the surprised sound she’d make if I suddenly jammed a fork in her butt cheek, with gusto. This diffused the situation somewhat by cheering me up immensely. Nothing makes a supermarket nightmare more bearable than dreaming about random acts of zesty violence with cutlery.
The problem is supermarkets make me testy at the best of times and she was using a lot of coupons which refused to scan, which combined, make a lethal combination for my mood. The only way to get through the experience unscathed is to fantasize about emerging triumphant through bloody mayhem. Lady, those savings aren’t going to be worth a rat’s ass if you’re stabbed in the buttocks with a fork.
There ought to be a dedicated line for coupon people. It should have a neon, glowing sign over the top of it that says “People refusing to pay full price, line up here” and if you have more than three coupons you have to stand in it under a giant flashing arrow and have a guy in a uniform fingerprint you and frisk you in front of everyone and possibly threaten to have your children removed and your husband castrated.
There, I got that off my chest. No one was hurt.
In other news, I didn’t get enough sleep last night and I’m grouchy and there isn’t a single, new, decent sci-fi show on at the moment I can spend the long winter nights obsessing about. God, I miss “Battlestar Galactica” and “Firefly” and “Lost”. Can someone just go make more of those, please?
Someone might want to send me some coffee and the mood of a four year old in an Ikea ball pit. In return I won’t fork you. Have a delightful Monday!
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So. People have nudged me about my total ineptness at updating this thing and they are correct. It's just, I don't have a life reall...
Phew. You are in a foul mood. Mind you, it's Monday and it's still effing Winter, so my sympathies.
ReplyDeleteI'd send you coffee and a Danish pastry (there are not many ills cake cannot cure), but I think the coffee would be cold by the time it gets to you.
Does the thought count? Or is that a fork I see before me?
I am with ya !
ReplyDeleteI am so over winter already, like really it has to be this long? Psh,
I hate supermarkets, the best time to go, though, is late at night when no one is there.
Also, I hear " The Even" is pretty good and pretty "Lost"-like.
Pffft! Anyone offering me a Danish and a coffee does NOT get the fork! That's an awesome person right there. Thanks man! :) You're a lovely lady.
ReplyDeletePenny: The what now? The...oh wait. The EVENT. I haven't seen it because it looked stupid (I form these very informed opinions you know!) but maybe I should check it out? It looked like it might be another "V" type of mess but maybe I was *gasp!* - wrong? :)
ReplyDeleteI too wish winter would just sod off...and we don't even get it as bad as you guys over yonder. After all the snow and ice (at least it was pretty!) we now have soggy and more soggy. I've had enough now...it doesn't help that some ballsy little microbes have decided to take residence in my nasal passages, and have been throwing a raucous Block Party all night long.
ReplyDeleteNow, where's my cattle prod? I need to go down to the supermarket and spread the joy...
I hate the supermarket. Shopping in general, really. I wish I had enough money to have a personal assistant who could do all my shopping for me.
ReplyDeleteI heard "The Cape" is supposed to be good, but I forgot to watch it last night. I'm almost to the end of season 5 of my LOST watching. I'm stuck between dying to see how it ends and never wanting it to end.
I use coupons AND pay with a check.
ReplyDeleteBring it on, sista.
They should also have a dedicated line for people who MUST COUNT OUT EXACT CHANGE WHILE THERE IS A GIANT LINE BEHIND THEM.
ReplyDeleteGod.
I can never understand why it's called disgruntled. I mean, "gruntled" doesn't sound like a particularly good state of mind. In fact, I'd argue that "gruntled" is a much better term for the butt-stabbing mood you're in and that I am frequently in too. "Disgruntled" sounds like a remedy, not the affliction. Or even a tension relieving verb, e.g. I just disgruntled all over the checkout line. Feel so much better.
ReplyDeleteOur supermarket is going through a "renovation" which is code for tearing the living fuck out of it, moving every single item clear across the vastness of the empty warehouse, and making sure all of our items are covered with dust.
ReplyDeleteStabby? I passed that a couple of months ago and am now Postal Service Disgruntled. (PSD)
The grocery store is the worst. And you would be totally justified in forking her. Especially if you screamed "Fork you" while doing so. Now I'm cheered up, too. Thanks for that!
ReplyDeleteP.S. your "about me" section is a little less detailed...you were right...
ReplyDeleteBall pits are full of pee. Add some vinegar and I think we've made your mood in a cup. I feel the same way, PS. There isn't enough cake and Nathan Fillian to make these long winter nights pass quick enough for me. I broke my snow boots yesterday. Grumble.
ReplyDeleteI'm so over winter! Wait, we don't even have winter here. Sorry!
ReplyDeleteA while back I was stuck in line at the store behind a woman with a very full card and and STACK of coupons. When it was all said and done I was stuck in the in the gray area between wanting to kill her for wasting so much of my time, and wanting to congratulate her. You see, her ENTIRE cart of groceries only cost her about 20 bucks after coupons. She saved well over 100 dollars! what the hell?
It's 2011, you think someone would have come up with an easier way to scan coupons. Why is it always so difficult and why do people get annoyed when their coupon won't scan after they've folded it 25 times to put in their wallet? Of course it won't scan dummy because it now looks like a 12 year old's essay on Of Mice and Men that he didn't hand in on time.
ReplyDeleteWe need to devise a new plan.
Winter makes us all feel stabby! But, cheer up! The first day of spring is only 69 days away!
ReplyDeleteOkay so I am one of those coupon ladies at the check out. It's my revenge against those women who crowd me at the register...the closer you stand to me, the longer I'm gonnna take bitch.
ReplyDeleteSome days Veg there are several pepole who deserve nothing more than being hit about the head with a very large haddock. And not just in January.
ReplyDeleteMind you, fantasies about a fork in the bum sound like a good alternative
Nat: Ugh your nasal passages and mine. Damn sniffles. I can't breathe worth a damn when I lie down. And cabin fever? I have it. I can't wait to be able to linger outside without freezing to the spot. :)
ReplyDeleteBeck: Yeah stupid places. Shopping is for idiots. And us. I haven't heard of The Cape even I must do some research. Lord knows I need it. I was wondering if you'd persevered with "Lost". I told you it was worth it just for the brain trauma of figuring shit out. :)
Moooooog: Dude. Don't EVEN GO THERE. :) Holy shit... You and me, outside, now.
Just Me: Oh Jesus yes. You couldn't do that BEFORE you got to the register? Oh you're paying entirely in dimes? Now the cashier has to count those out too. Lovely. Just shoot me.
Johnson: You have a very good point. "Gruntled" is a great non-word that should be a word. And disgruntled does sound like you've had the gruntle slapped out of you. We need to clearly start a campaign to put this right. I already feel better thanks to that!
Skypop: Haha, the huge one near me went through that same thing last year where it was like shopping in some warehouse with naked lighting and unfinished flooring and boxes all over the damn place. What a nightmare. Hahaha, PSD. It sounds like I should have that. I don't even have PMS to blame this time, I'm just grouchy!
ReplyDeleteBrutie: Hahaha, "Fork you Coupon Bitch!" I would certainly be thinking it at least even if I wasn't forking her. And yes, I like my 'about me' section uh...vague and soothing and slightly psychotic with a melody.
Elly: Hmm, vinegar and piss. A child's dream I think. Me though, give me summer, chocolate and Nathan and we'll call it a draw. Hmm that cheered me up, oddly.
Pat: You do have monster storms though! Did you see that show last week on ahem...TLC...about extreme couponing? I believe it was the first time I spent an entire half hour of my life speechless. I was torn between "Holy shit they got WHAT for HOW MUCH?" and "THEY SPEND HOW MUCH OF THEIR LIFE DEVOTED TO THIS SHIT ALL FOR FREE TOILET PAPER?"
Rahul: Exactly! Or they've expired by two days and some biddy thinks she's still entitled to that 7 cents off a can of beans and she'll argue the point ad nauseum until steam is coming out of everyone's ears. GRRRR!
ReplyDeleteEva: Thanks for that. Thanks a bunch woman.
Miss Y: Oh. Oh I see how it is. I'm going to have to come round and teach you manners now am I? Fine. Just you wait. :)
Macy: I agree with this wholeheartedly. Haddocks and forks. Two under-appreciated weapons!
Oh man and its only January! February makes January look like Alessandra Ambrosio riding "My Little Pony" naked with a couple of "Care Bears". Destination-my house.
ReplyDeleteI love ponies.
I hate you February and I'm giving you cancer so the calendar will read January, March, April, May...etc.
February, If somehow you survive me giving you cancer, please get on a boat and float straight to hell.
Dude, brutal but honest, I like that. February is quaking right now. So much in fact, it decided to be only 28 days long so it can get out of dodge faster. A bit like Alessandra on that pony...
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy there is sun out tonight. Winter is a pain. I shall play tennis. I need to get love somehow.
ReplyDeleteI had no idea tennis was a metaphor for love. :) Or that it was even a way to find it. Is it so the ladies can admire your muscles running around a court while you sweat in a manly manner?
ReplyDeleteThere should also be a line for people with bawling kids in their carts. A line outside.
ReplyDeleteNow I wanna poke a fork into someone's butt cheek just to know what sound they'd make. I think one of the bitchy downstairs neighbors will suffice. I could "accidentally" trip while carrying a random fork in the hallway, right? It could happen. Yeah. But shhh, that's just between you and me. Mwahahaha!
Dude, that could ABSOLUTELY happen. No one would blame you. No court would convict you. Accidental fork mishaps happen all the time! It's not your fault if some noxious neighbour's fleshy ass is in the way of your sharp prongs now, is it?
ReplyDeleteOunces? How the fuck am I supposed to measure flour in ounces? Whatever happened to cups and tablespons??
ReplyDeleteWhat is WRONG with people who take too long checking out. I never know what it is that they are doing. Do they know they suck?! Ugh!
ReplyDeleteSO. Over. Cold Weather.
Sarah: I don't know man. But anyone who can comment on the WRONG FUCKING ENTRY can probably figure it out. :) Scales my dear. Get some. Jesus.
ReplyDeleteJules: I know. What is wrong with them? they need my boot in their arse.
winter can suck my dick. and then get syphilis and die.
ReplyDeletebut zesty violence with cutlery made my day.
also people who review and/or queston their receipts before leaving should have their own line.
Oh God yes, how could I forget THAT? At least go stand aside and read your damn receipt, don't stand there reading it while I'm waiting to check out behind you unless you want an unexpected enema with a ketchup bottle.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally with you. So tired of the layer of ice making every step actually dangerous. I don't need a concussion right now, mind you. COME SPRING! We love you!
ReplyDeleteYes, spring is an asshole, staying away so long. I'm sick of having to wear fourteen layers of clothing every time I leave the house.
ReplyDeleteI am not quite stabby yet, but by the end of January I most definitely will be. It's my yearly tradition. Like, sunburns in the summer, come dead winter I begin to only like the people trapped behind the screen in my living room. I watch only beach shows so we can all live in there together and be warm.
ReplyDeleteBtw, yes. My robe is like a delicate, satin, second skin. I can't imagine how a man would complain about it.
ReplyDeleteFF: Yes dude, I know that feeling well. We should just rename winter "Stabby Season" and let it be, you think? And your robe sounds super sexy, don't you go thinking otherwise now.
ReplyDeleteYou said ball pit! Heh heh, heh heh! (What? Lame Beavis and Butthead imitations are totally coming back. Just like the 90s! God help us when flannel makes its ugly return.)
ReplyDeletePS- We're supposed to get another blizzard here. You remember NY in snow, right? A total cluckerfuck after just one inch. (That's what she said!) (God I am on a roll tonight!)
Sigh. Good times.
Haha, have we been having a wee tipple of the hard stuff (that's what she said too!) tonight Jersey? I'm wearing flannel right now. Outside. It's fightin' time. Mine's flannel PJs though.
ReplyDeleteThe "people refusing to pay full price line up here" idea is a winner. But instead of a special register for coupon-toting tightwads, it would be a magic porthole that would transport them back to Walmart.
ReplyDeleteNow THAT is what I call punishment! :)
ReplyDelete