So 2011 is underway properly now and I'm in Canada the next couple of months which means we’re back to the harsh reality of January – the greyest, most depressing month there is, unless you live in Australia or have a nice Mexican vacation or a birthday or a lottery win ahead, to warm it up for you.
Personally I think January in the northern hemisphere ought to be a “nap three times a day” month and this should be compulsory with possibly a complimentary cabana boy/girl to serve you cocktails or hot chocolate, depending on your state of mind. It should not be –26 degrees and sudden asthma when you try to take out the garbage.
I welcomed 2011 by baking possibly the best chocolate cake ever produced by a human. It was from an old basic recipe that I’ve tweaked over time and changed to make it my own and although it’s fairly basic, I now have the quantities and ingredients so correct that even NASA would be impressed at my scientific abilities in the kitchen and probably have me work on the next generation of space shuttle technology. It’s moist, chocolatey as all fuck and has a delicate light-chocolate buttercream filling. My cake I mean, not the space shuttle, although granted, that does sound like a step in the right direction.
Screw starting the year with a lettuce eating binge! Start with cake and work your way down, that’s what I say. I like to keep my resolutions real. “Eat cake but eat slightly less cake!” is one of them and “Don’t make resolutions” is my other one, which has the mysterious smell of irony about it.
I also started the year by managing to injure myself in Walmart yesterday. Now I don’t know about you, but almost every time I’m in Walmart I think about hurting myself just to make the experience end, but this time was purely accidental.
You know how they have their exercise equipment on a little platform thing at the back of the store? Well I was in the middle of doing some very scientific research into the resistance level of a stationary bike by pushing the pedals around with my hand, when it (my hand) somehow got wedged between the moving pedal and the body of the bike, crushing the living shit out of it. I don’t even know how this happened, it was like a mystery force just sucked it right in there like it was a 747 engine or something.
The pedal kept trying to turn and my hand kept getting more and more crushed while I tried to summon for help in a ladylike manner, by delicately exclaiming things like “Holy mother of fuck it’s trying to kill me, it’s trying to kill me! I’m very injured and important, please help me, AAAAARGGGGGH!”
Once I managed to finally get free, my hand looked like a Christmas ham after it’s been stomped on by a pissed off Kirstie Alley. There’s a quite impressive black bruise all over the knuckles and some lovely swelling. It looks almost like I’ve been punching the shit out of Snookie for an hour, which coincidentally, is a fantasy of mine.
I hope 2011 is starting off in a pleasing manner for you?
Correction:
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure even the most pissed off Kirstey Alley wouldn't stomp on a Christmas ham.
That there's good eatin'.
Holy fuck dude, you make an excellent point. Maybe if she was tenderizing it before sucking it down? I don't know. :)
ReplyDeleteThe cake sounds good but I prefer to get my mouth 'round some nice buns. Mrs S often has some for me.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your hand. Hope it's soon better. It must be awful for you. I'd be devastated if my right hand ever lost its strength.
All the best to you, Boonie
Well one can't enjoy his buns with an injured right hand, right Boonie? I crushed my left hand. Which is MY good hand. Woe is me. No bun enjoyment for me. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so knowledgeable.... Hope you can find a way to make up for your depleted bun enjoyment.
ReplyDeleteHave a nice day, Boonie
I will make up for it by eating the rest of my CAKE! :) Same to you!
ReplyDelete"my hand looked like a Christmas ham after it’s been stomped on by a pissed off Kirstie Alley."
ReplyDeleteNow that is a classic line! Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh. I'm sorry that I found your trauma humerous...
You're a terrible influence. But I AM going to avoid sweets and I AM going to look hot this summer. I was doing really well until I decided to be a complete slob during the holidays. There were a shit-ton of cookies left over from Christmas and New Year, so I reasoned last night, "Well, maybe I should just eat them ALL so there aren't any here to tempt me tomorrow." I need to crush my tongue in a stationary bike.
ReplyDeleteRECIPE!!! You can't talk about a perfect cake and not share. I mean, really, you should be coming over with a slice of it and one of those old fashioned bottle of milk if you really wanted to be neighborly. But I'll settle for making my own.
ReplyDeleteMy. You are a talented lass, aren't you? :-P
ReplyDeleteProbably even Snooki fantasizes about punching Snooki.
ReplyDeleteI want cake now. I'm with you on the work from home and 3 naps a day minus the working from home part. Stay out of Walmart!
ReplyDeleteDidn't you read the warning on the exercise machine? They are the Devil's apparatus.
ReplyDeleteHope your hand settles down to a less-hammy feeling.
That, combined with the cold, really sucks.
By the way, just a bit of warning, I'm moving into your reality. Moving to the tropics for the cold part of the year is definitely on my Life Plan.
Starting off 2011 with cake is MY kind of 2011. :)
ReplyDeleteI need to stay out of Walmart until the end of time. I always get hurt in that store...or contemplate stealing.
Pat: No, I gladly maim myself in a public place to amuse you! It's why I live, truly. :)
ReplyDeleteBeck: Ha! Good for you. I'm sure you will succeed too as you're not exactly a mutant NOW so by summer you'll probably be some glam supermodel or something. Plus your reasoning is exactly like mine. "I have way too much chocolate around, there's no point RATIONINIG it I might as well eat it all today then it's gone from temptation's path." Yeah that works.
FreeF: Good lord. I'll email you my precious recipe if you have an email on your profile or you want to send me another comment with it in it. You demanding lady. (It's worth it, seriously)
Cora: Is that sarcasm so early in the year, Cora? Are you laughing at my injuries? If it was in reference to my cake making skillz I'll let you live.
Ed: Hahahahaha! Damn, she has no excuse, she's actually in the position to DO IT and doesn't.
Dale: I'd gladly stay out of Walmart. It's like going to the bad part of town or an alien planet going there.
Roses: Clearly I did not read the warning. I'm sure it said something like "THIS MACHINE WANTS TO KILL YOU, TOUCH AT YOUR OWN RISK SUCKER!" And yeah let's just all move to the tropics every November through April. I'm down with that.
Just Me: We all need to stay out of Walmart. It's full of hidden dangers and obstacles and doesn't even have what you went for half the time. Grrrrrr.
I hope this little accident won't affect your chrocheting? Hmm? Stop crocheting like a little sissy? Hmmmm?
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I've never been to any kind of -mart, but everything I hear is leading me towards the conclusion that I'm not missing out. Also, I hear it's pure evil, so (my dark side wants to tell you that you got what you deserved for going in there) you should totally egg that place.
Those hormones are a bitch, huh Wynn? :) I can still crochet although it hurts but as I'm a trouper I carry on regardless. I'll give Walmart your regards and tell it you'll be pushing a baby around it VERY SOON because that is the LAW. I'm sure it has a sister store where you are. Oh yes. I'm sure it does. :)
ReplyDeleteVeg! What were you doing even getting close to an Exercise Bike???? this is a seriously worrying development! Hope your hand isn't interfering with cake cutting and other vital daily tasks..
ReplyDeleteCalm down dude, I was with a friend and HE was the one in the market for an exercise bike, I was just helping out with my vast knowledge, which clearly didn't extend to not getting your hand creamed. Pah!
ReplyDeleteI happen to be on the panel that is working on the Shuttle replacement, and one of the key design specs is "moist, chocolatey as all fuck and has a delicate light-chocolate buttercream filling".
ReplyDeleteI believe you have the inside track on winning the proposal.
Not your hand!!! Not your money maker!!! Heal. Quickly.
ReplyDeleteI need some of your chocolate cake like I need air.
it's sofa king cold here, i can see my breath INSIDE my mutha fuggin house. -did i mention i live in southern california? thinking about being in a canadian tundra makes me want to light myself on fire.
ReplyDeleteSkypop: See, I knew this. I am always at the forefront of new space technology, me. Can you get me in and make me lots of money? Future civilizations are at stake!
ReplyDeleteBuffstah: I'll give you cake if you give me some of that damn champagne! Cake and champagne, I believe I could die happily after that meal. :)
Lucky: And.....does that mean it's like 65 degrees F. or something? My friend in Florida gets the chills around there. I'm like, "That's a fucking summer's day, woman!" Yes, my sympathy for your cold isn't very forthcoming is it? :)
I do not envy you and that cold Canada weather. My friend in California was complaining because it'd been raining and was in the 50s. I wanted to punch her in her tanned face.
ReplyDeleteYour first mistake was going to Walmart in the first place. Your second mistake was going near the exercise equipment.
But based on my many hours of watching Law and Order: SVU, I know that it is wrong to blame the victim, so I say to you: I am sorry about your crushed hand.
Here's to a Walmart-free and an injury-free 2011. Also, more cake.
That is all.
Nicole: Thank the lord L&O:SVU is good for something other than teaching rapists how to avoid the law. :) And yes, Californians know nothing about cold. And I'm not jealous just because they live in California and I don't. Ok...yes I am.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely in favor of the 3 nap day.....maybe we could get that passed as a law....hmmmm.
ReplyDeleteI think so! The power of the people and all that. Who wouldn't support that?
ReplyDeleteAnd yet having your hand mauled by an exercise bike seems to have cured your zombie status, no? Now I want a bike of own so I can turn my cats back into non undead cats in the event of an apocalypse. Shit. Would that make them just dead? That doesn't sound like a win either.
ReplyDeleteIt took away the zombies yet left a psychotic knife-wielder in its place. Win win, my dear. Plus come on my dear, who doesn't want a zombie kitty? Conversation starter, much? :)
ReplyDeleteWell now I just HAVE to answer that. Are you saying that you're wishing an unwanted pregnancy on me? Are you?!
ReplyDeleteThat's just low, even for you Veg!
And now I have to google any -mart-friendly stores around here...
Well of course not, however, it would be pretty funny to see you trailing a little whiny one around there in your sweat pants. Call it a fantasy. :)
ReplyDelete" eww what is that?"
ReplyDelete"Well that's a Snookie, she's very famous!"
I heart South Park... and your blog !
Haha, that was a FINE episode. Actually that whole last season was on top form, I recall. :) Smoosh Smoosh, Penny! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteSnookie want smoosh smoosh! BEST EPISODE EVER! Hope your hand has recovered!
ReplyDeleteAgreed! :) And it's doing pretty well, thank you ma'am! Now it just looks purty colours.
ReplyDeleteIt would be better if I had cake...
ReplyDelete'chocolatey as all fuck'
ReplyDeleteWell to vaguely reference a past South Park episode,
'Well sure, cakes are supposed to be chocolatey, but... but what, what if they are *too* chocolatey? What would it like to taste too much chocolate? You don't want to know!'
Well I'd send you some but alas I ate it all. POOR you. Sorry man. :)
ReplyDeleteTex: South Park and I agree on almost everything, so I'd have to tell them that actually, a cake CAN be too chocolatey. It can. For real. I can prove it. Maybe...
ReplyDeleteLove the new header. Reminded me that the other day I was in a bad mood and I thought to myself "I'm feeling stabby", an expression I picked up from you! So thanks for expanding my vocab.
ReplyDeleteBTW, Snooki is publishing a book. I think it will be sold in Walmart. Don't hurt yourself trying to buy it. - G
Well I don't have any Mexican vacations planned but we are going to Seattle at the beginning of February. It'll be sunny in Seattle, right? Right?
ReplyDeleteGeorgina: Well naturally that will be on the top of my new year list of stuff I must buy. Is it a colouring book? Is it called "Orange Attention Whore"? Can she read? So many questions... Hope you're feeling less stabby now? :)
ReplyDeleteNova: Yes. Yes, sure it is. Seattle's practically the equator... Honestly.
...ahem...where's the chocolate cake recipe? You do realize I have to go out now and buy fucking cake mix, right?
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, you are absolutely right, January in northerm hemisphere requires cabana boy. I think I'll call mine Coco...I know, original. Shuddup.
You see, I have had the stationary bike do the same to me... doing the exact same thing. Now, this proves one of two things: There is indeed some sort of anti-hand mechanism in these absurd creations, or we're both daft. You be the judge.
ReplyDeleteAnd thinking of lettuce, it makes a great tortilla!
Sandra: Darling, you can have the recipe if you send me a comment with your email. It might be ages before I post it here if at all. I'm lazy. Pfft! :) Yum it is good. Then you'd have something involving cocoa as well as a cabana boy named Coco!
ReplyDeleteLord: No way! Really? Those things ARE Death Machines. I have no idea how it happens. One day someone will do that and sue the shit out of the store for having the bikes just standing there taunting everyone's hands. Some little kid will do it one day and its uber crazy mother will take the entire world to court because her snowflake got a bruise.
Hurts doesn't it? OUCH!
Uh-oh. My new year has started off just fine but I'm hearing horror stories like yours out of a lot of folks, like serious unexpected illnesses, crappy situations etc. Bummer about your hand, dude, but the cake sounds deee-lish!
ReplyDeleteThe cake actually made up for the hand. For cake that good, I'd crush the sucker again. :)
ReplyDelete“Eat cake but eat slightly less cake!” -- substitute candy for cake and that's my goal.
ReplyDelete