Happy New Year (Crappy old Cera)

Happy New Year, fellow delinquents!

I hope your festivities were trouble free and that you woke up yesterday with all your limbs/money/dignity intact. Well, your limbs anyway. I also hope your private regions weren’t violated by a stranger or that dirty Lindsay Lohan.

Me, I had a nice, quiet New Year’s Eve which I liked. I didn’t even drink. Yes, you heard me correctly. No alcohol passed my lips and before anyone suggests it, that doesn’t mean I poured it in any of my other holes using a complicated series of funnels. I also realize just saying that makes it look suspiciously like I put way too much thought into that scenario and that it might just have happened. Well screw you guys! Pffft.

I was actually impressed by my clean living self. “Self!” I said, "This is great practice for when you’re 92, don’t drink and can’t stand up anymore.”, to which my future self retorted, “Shut up and get me some tequila, motherfucker!” before throwing a Yellow Pages at me and screaming, as I dart out the door, “And get off of my lawn.”

So yes. A new decade. I refuse to call it “twenty ten” though. It’s “two thousand and ten” because I have class and am not lazy. Twenty ten doesn’t mean a goddamn thing. It’s just two random words thrown together. You might as well shout “Eighty Orange!” or “Madagascar Brownie!” or “Guilty Taint!” But you make up your own mind. You know, even if it's wrong.

Completely unrelated because I have a short attention span, did you see there’s another youth oriented, Michael Cera movie coming out? I used to think Michael Cera was sort of bumbling and appealing in a “be yourself” geeky sort of way. Used to. Now I just think, “Dude, Michael Cera. What are you thinking? You keep playing the same character over and over again. I’m starting to think you might be that guy in real life. *And I’m getting annoyed by your bumbling and nervous nice guy routine.”

Because in all honestly, can you really ever see Michael Cera playing any other sort of character? No. No you cannot. He’s hardly going to play a Mexican drug lord or a Mad Max kind of hard-man, right? He wouldn’t know how. Druglord Michael Cera’d be all, “Um…call this blow, this is like uh…flipping icing sugar, motherflipper, I’m going to slap you silly! You know, if uh…you don’t mind.”

I mean OK, there was that little clip of Michael Cera having a tantrum at ‘Funny or Die’ from last year, but that was only a joke. And he was less badass in that than he was a little bitch. And I am willing to believe that when he has his period, Michael Cera might really be a little bitch. But even Funny or Die recognized that Michael Cera can never be badass.

This new movie gives him an evil twin Michael Cera and that Michael Cera is supposed to signify that he is the badass bitch side of Michael Cera because he has a little ginger moustache. It actually makes him look more like he bothers goats but whatever. But do you buy that? I don’t buy that. Michael Cera is about as badass as a packet of Skittles. And seriously, I believe the Skittles could take him in a fight, even just the red ones.

Realistically, they could give the dude an AK-47, a bullet wound in his leg and a full-body tattoo of “Hellraiser” and he still wouldn’t scare anyone’s granny.

* Before you all start bleating ad nauseum about how fantastic “Arrested Development” was, let me get this off my chest. I hated “Arrested Development”. I tried to like it, I really did. People raved about it. Yet I found it the most over-hyped show on TV. And not even all that funny. So there. I said it. And I am right.

To summarize; new Michael Cera movie is going to make me frown. When you think about it, I could have said all the above using that one sentence.

Anyway, time to go and do something productive that may or may not involve Malibu (the drink, not the place, sadly). Happy New Year again. May it be the best one yet.

P.S. Has anyone ever said the words, "Michael Cera" more times in one entry than this? I think not.