Stuart Enormous

Last week, while lounging on my bed early one morning about to take a nap, I heard this faint clicking noise coming from the other side of the room by the TV, so I had a quick glance over there to see what was what. Just as I did, this THING sprung out from behind the TV and flew at the apparent speed of sound, clean across the room and got behind the couch. It moved so freaking fast it was a black blur. I couldn’t even tell what it was, except it was ginormous and obviously wanted to suck out my organs.

I know this because I heard it hiss from behind the couch, “I am coming for you Veg.”

So I acted in a logical, mature and sensible manner by jumping to my feet in a nano-second (think of the movement of the Vampires in “True Blood”) and shrieking “WHAT. THE. MOTHERFUCKING. FUCK. WAS. THAT?”

I was the only person there yet I’m pretty certain I heard a deep, echoey hiss from the couch, “I have come for your soul.”

I think I stood there for about two minutes in a state of shock before I could move. The thing was huge. It was like a giant, fat Rhinocerous, only you know…one built for incredible speed. And possibly featuring a long, skinny tail. It blacked out the sun it was so huge. I swear the temperature dropped ten degrees in its shadow. It was a demon straight from Hell (or sent by Lindsay Lohan after calling her a skank ho the other day). It was a monster-devil-demon-entity-thing.

Well, OK it was a mouse. But it was a BIG FUCKING MOUSE. It was the Darth Vader of mice and it wanted to eat my eyeballs.

Naturally, I had chosen that day to have the worst headache ever in the history of headaches and had gone back to bed to hopefully have a little nap and wake up cured, but after the monster mouse event I was too skittish to lie back down in case it decided to pitter patter all over me while I slept and nibble on my nose and try to get in one of my holes.

Jesus Christ, I have problems enough worrying about bugs crawling up my ass, let alone something with teeth and bad intent.

Finally, I was so cranky and tired I decided I’d deal with the situation later and just lie down, so I cocooned myself like a burrito into the comforter with just my face peeking out, after I turned on every light in the apartment, opened the blinds and put on a “Golden Girls” marathon. I figured if anything can keep a murderous mouse at bay it’d be Bea Arthur and her big eighties’ shoulders and penis.

And then I didn’t see the mouse again for two days. I opened cupboards and closets with trepidation. I didn’t see it, I didn’t hear it, I checked for signs, there were no signs. And on the third day I thought “Did I IMAGINE that whole mouse thing?” Because there was this one time I imagined a ton of spiders in my bed and one of them told me a riddle and well….I won’t get into that. So I started doubting my usually extremely reliable and legendary sanity.

Until on that third evening, while lounging around on my mattress, I saw this little dark presence creep out from its new home under the dishwasher and stare right at me. With beady-eyed INTENT. And I swear I heard it say, “Tonight bitch. Tonight is the night. Tonight all your holes are belong to us.” before laughing in an evil manner (i.e., with lots of reverb) and darting back under the dishwasher.

And that night sure enough I heard it running around the hard wood floors like a tiny poodle after a lobotomy, but luckily I had reinforced all my holes and got right under the blanket and I thought, “Well victory is mine tonight but we need to get a trap, ASAP before I am violated by this undead creature from the darkside.”

So tonight a trap will be procured. A non-killing trap because I don’t like to kill things and I don’t want to be dealing with mouse guts or anything nasty like that. Then he will go out to meet his new home – the dumpster - where he can keep warm among the trash and eat like a king and leave my eyeballs the hell alone.

Your days are numbered, evil motherfucking mouse overlord.