Man, what a depressing week. No wonder January’s supposed to be the worst month of the year. Haiti had a giant killer earthquake (because that’s a country that really needed another challenge), Dexter’s got cancer and still no one’s killed The Situation on “Jersey Shore”. Crazy.
For the record, I’d like to volunteer for the last one. I’d beat him to death with a cookie sheet while yelling, “Here’s your situation here, you little orange fucker!”
I have to admit I tend to avoid the TV news these days. I can’t take it anymore. It’s not that it’s full of depressing stories and distressing scenes, it’s just that it’s so damn sensational. It’s like the news stations sport a giant chubby whenever disaster strikes, so they can broadcast 24 hours a day repeating the same crap over and over again and when there’s no new crap to report they can report rumours. I’d rather read my news online where I can control the madness and get a condensed picture, even if it’s the BBC who seem unable to write an article these days without grammatical errors or spelling mistakes. WTF, Beeb, didn’t you used to be all about quality?
Check me out being all ballsy, hollering at a world famous and respected news organization. Honestly though, all their quality people must be on TV or out in the field, leaving a bunch of coked up monkeys to write their online content. I’m talking your bogstandard coked-up monkeys, not clever ones like The Japing Ape here.
Anyway, I’m starting my own news channel (in my head) where only good, funny and totally irrelevant news will prevail as well as a daily cake forecast, which I will dedicate to Maussie.
And I will call my channel “COCK” because it is my channel and I can call it whatever I want and this would enable my head reporter (me) to say things like, “This morning on my COCK…a lady tucks her skirt into her panties in the Senate and we have a delightful Tres Leches Cake. All right here on my COCK.”
Or, “All COCK all the time!”
Because I am twelve.
Because I am twelve.
There will be no wars.
No natural disasters (only unnatural ones, like Lindsay Lohan showing side boob)
No murders
No kidnappings
No politics
No natural disasters (only unnatural ones, like Lindsay Lohan showing side boob)
No murders
No kidnappings
No politics
Doesn't that sound awesome?
Be good.
You can tell the story of my 5th grader coming up to me yesterday and saying, "My thing hurts. You know, the thing that is really close to your legs."
ReplyDeleteThat would fit into your COCK tv.
I'm totally with you. I was wondering if I was a bad person for resenting the fact that the evening news has run over this week due to Haiti, thus pre-empting Jeopardy.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering no more. Give me back my Jeopardy!
oh, very nice painting...i like it!
ReplyDeleteI can't stand all of the sound and visual effects on the 24 hour news channels. It's the news not effin Star Wars.
ReplyDelete"Don't change that channel, more COCK coming up after this!"
ReplyDelete"You wanted more COCK, now you've GOT more COCK. We're extending COCK for another 1/2 hour!"
"I love her. I'd like to see her on COCK."
Oh..by the way...
BBC doesn't have grammatical errors.
They're British. Theye spelle everythinge thate waye.
You're welcome.
Sounds like COCK is the perfect thing for me. I would watch your COCK all the time!
ReplyDeleteJules: Hahaha! I guess fifth grade is too young to be using the actual nasty words for it. :)
ReplyDeleteWords: Poor Haitians. It's a terrible tragedy, however, there is only so much news that can be reported on a tragedy in one given segment before you're repeating yourself. Maybe they should run a little top corner live broadcast during the scheduled shows. That's totally something those news channels would do.
Brian: Thank you! I don't normally paint animals but I needed an exception. :)
Hunter: OH God, ME TOO. And the big, flashy intro graphics and music. WTF? It's a tragedy not a sketch show.
Moooooog: Yup. I'm happy I gave you a chance to just unleash your cock there. And thanks for the clarification on the BBC. I forgot they speak Shakespeare.
Kat: Dude, I get that ALL THE TIME. :)
ReplyDeleteIf you had a TV channel I would have it on constantly. On the downside it might lead me to be rather imbalanced. Nothing personal, just I suspect that my ability to absorb constant irrelevant news might be rather weak.
ReplyDeleteI will happily subscribe to your COCK. tehehehe
ReplyDeleteMo: Oh I think you'd be better at it than you think. I mean who could resist things like my daily feature on choosing a celebrity or politician and defacing their photo with comedy moustaches and Sharpie zits and maybe a gigantic inappropriate penis?
ReplyDeleteNatalie: Haha, my COCK is for everyone. You sort of ARE subscribed to my COCK with this blog, now I think about it...
I hope there's a morning show because I need COCK immediately after I wake up.
ReplyDeleteWhat is your sister's dog doing posing for paintings when it should be finding buried Haitians?
ReplyDeleteGo find em boy!
Your COCK sounds very entertaining. Also, pretty painting! I like border collies.
ReplyDeletea very pretty airstream indeed ;)
ReplyDeletealso, are you sure a cookie sheet wouldn't be defeated by those abs? food for thought. (*note: not promoting the situation in any way shape or form)
I'm ready to join your channel. I already have two shirts that say "COCK". That must mean I'm perfect for the job.
ReplyDeleteWhat should my position be? Weather girl? Sports?
Love the picture.
I would totally watch your news! It sounds refreshing. I saw that "Situation" being interviewed on Chelsea Handler last night. He seemed so smug and pleased with himself I just wanted to slap him.
ReplyDeleteI WORK in television news and even I can't stand it some days.
ReplyDeleteSo my potential for My Cock
ReplyDeleteToday On My Cock, LIndsay Lohan finally settles down. Later, On My Cock, Tips for Decrating
Veg, is naming that news channel in your head 'cock' evidence of a suppressed case of penis envy?
ReplyDeleteOh I know right? The news makes me want to jump off my deck. And it's one story high so I'd probably get a nasty ankle sprain.
ReplyDeleteThat painting is ADORABLE! It's so freaking good! Geez Veg, you always continue to impress. :)
I would totally watch your COCK everyday, all day.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the painting!
I'm going to call my cable company today and demand COCK!
ReplyDeleteNo murder, rape, death, robbery, mugging, politics, disaster?
ReplyDeleteSweet.
I love your COCK!
Sign me up for some COCK!
wait,what?
Oh,yeah...
ReplyDeleteWhere do your sleep at in that Collie, and how do you hitch it up?
If you killed The Situation, would that be covered on COCK?
ReplyDeleteVeggie Ninja, can you expand it to My Cock and Balls?
ReplyDeleteSo you could have someone saying, "On My Cock and Balls tonight, Tom Cruise"
Or
"I'm sorry about the picture problems, there appears to be a problem with My Cock and Balls tonight."
Then we can all snigger.
I love the painting!
ReplyDeleteSG: Exactly. There's no COCK like morning COCK!
ReplyDeleteEric: She's multi tasking. She posed BEFORE the earthquake.
Jenna: Thank you! I like them too, crazy dogs.
Dominique: Yes, a different kind of Airstream! And you are correct about the cookie sheet, he'd destroy it. But the thing is MY cookie sheet would be made of three inch marble so you know...
Aly: Well you are hired. You can be my Field Cock Reporter.
Jules: You have my permission to do that if you so wish. If I can film it. For myself. And my COCK.
Libby: Oops. :) Now to backpedal. I didn't actually mean ALL TV news just uh...Fox, CNN and MSNBC and uh...ABC and the huge networks. Come and work for COCK.
Madga: You've got the hang of it although the mere idea of Lindsay on my COCK is scary. On anyone's cock really. She might be on our rival station HOO-HA.
Eva: It might be. But I doubt it. I'm very secure with my lady parts. :)
Buffster: You flatterer. Don't be jumping off decks. See, I'm happy I reread your comment because I thought you said "desk" and I thought "Holy shit, a story high desk? WTF?"
Jeney: I know, who could resist my COCK? It would be colourful and sassy. I'd have a sassy COCK. And thanks.
Y'all let me know when this COCK business gets old now won't you?
BeckEye: DO IT! Call TWC and say "How much extra do I have to pay for COCK?" Some nice man will be sure to help you out.
Ed: None of those things. Awesome huh? My COCK loves YOU, Ed. As for sleeping arrangements in the Collie, there's a special bunk in the nasal region. I keep away from the back as it gets stinky back there. You're welcome.
Catherinette: You know what, I think it would. Because my COCK would be all about joy and I can think of no better joy than covering the demise of The Situation. I might make it a sort of snack event where we all watch and eat tasty things and drink wine.
Dan: Well I could. It's less catchy but it's certainly memorable. I'd certainly consider a COCK and BALLS show for the evening news. How about that? I'm about compromise. My COCK is a good, benevolent COCK.
CDP: Thank you! The real dog is way nicer though. :)
TV news is unacceptable.
ReplyDeleteThe newspapers make me cry, and not leave the house, and become dysfunctional.
At least I have a vegetable assassin that makes me laugh.
Aw, I blush. I guess this means you require COCK? We will cover only non crying subject matter and you will remain forever the functional beauty you are now.
ReplyDeleteWould it be 24 hours of COCK news or would you work in additional programming? I need a rundown of the full COCK schedule. I'm a busy gal, I need to plan ahead so I get the parts of the COCK I like.
ReplyDeleteWell that's a good point E.L. There would be a lot of COCK news naturally, but I think there's plenty room for other fun projects on there too. Some COCK reality shows maybe, Cooking With COCK, the COCK Comedy Hour, those are just for starters. Maybe some frivolous "What Not To Wear COCK Style" for the ladies. I can do anything with my COCK.
ReplyDeleteWith you on the BBC. Woeful
ReplyDeleteDid you know BBC actually stands for Big Blue Cock? Small world eh?
UberG: Is that right? Big Blue Cock-Up would be more apt. :)
ReplyDeleteEven though it is my personal passive-aggressive tradition to not comment anybody who hasn't commented my most recent post(s), I feel compelled to mention that the border collie painting is seriously impressive. This is NOT an official comment.
ReplyDeleteDJ: Haha, well ok. Noted. Jeeze. I've barely commented anywhere lately. Busy. And yet I still expect you to comment on mine bitch. I am the Queen of the web you know.
ReplyDeleteYour comment to Cathrinette made me spit out my Sprite. My COCK would be all about joy. That's awesome.
ReplyDeleteIf my COCK can bring joy to the world, it is a fine, fine COCK indeed. :)
ReplyDeleteLindsay Lohan on COCK, eh? Not really newsworthy though, is it? LiLo is on everything.
ReplyDeleteThat's a lovely painting of a border collie!
ReplyDeleteYou know, a few years back I used to send email to the BBC about the grammatical errors in their articles.
Yes, I'm sad like that. For a while, I thought I'd rename myself Mrs Trellis.
Anyway, I got bored after a while as, instead of my tireless work stemming the tide of errors, the BBC's site just got worse and worse.
Employ some bloody proofreaders, people!
Anyway, now I've revealed how sad I am, I'm going to have a cup of tea.
i totally agree with you and glad you realised all this atleast now. i have been practicing this sorta media disconnect and loving it. it will take you some time to sort out your sources. i am right now relying on 3 vital and reliable sources for my news delivery and all of em are on RSS feeds.
ReplyDelete1. the BBC world RSS feed that comes default with mozilla firefox.
2. Reddit.com. current affairs dont get any more current than this.
3.Boing Boing. yes, relevant information. on the hour, every hour. all the shit that shapes the world we live in.
4.Twitter. for stuff that might actually matter to me.
5.IGN.com. this is so that i can know what do to with the time when the commercials should be going on.
Another alternative that i have been thinking about in the last week was to start watching Local news channles which are government run and running at a loss. give em some business.. and maybe tune into some local channel in some place in canada(i live in india).. will probably take me far away from all this chaos.
All the best for your news channel with the name of a male chicken. :P
I used to sit in my tower and pass judgment on broadcast news for being so damn sloppy and sensational because I used to be in the formerly respectable print journalism industry.
ReplyDeleteHowever, now print is just as bad as broadcast, so your channel sounds like the best and most entertaining way to get the news. I vote for "All COCK, all the time." You know, 'cause I'm a cockaholic. Er, something.
Cora: This is true. We'd cover the train wreck though. It's always entertaining.
ReplyDeleteRich: Thank you. And I don't doubt it. Tell those suckers off. I used to sit in my office and groan out loud at their terrible grammar. I mean mine isn't perfect, but I'm not paid a shitload to report to the world either. :) Hell I SHOULD be. Ha!
Nitin: Good for you. I do similar. Choose my sources and stick with them. I actually read Reddit too although I ignore the comments nowadays because they make me want to punch people. :) Local news is ok. Short and to the point. The big channels just give me seizures from all the graphics and colours. :) And the fake tans. Especially Fox news. WTF is up with the make up people at Fox? Are they guidos?
Jennifer: COCKaholics of the world unite! COCK will be much more fun. You can wake up to COCK and fall asleep to more COCK.
i'm right there with you on killing the situation. in fact, i wouldn't be opposed to whacking all of 'em- i'm pretty sure the world would be a better place!
ReplyDeleteI would totally watch that channel.
ReplyDeleteYou could have a sister radio station too: K-UNT.
ReplyDeleteJust think.. your On The Scene Reporters would be there standing in front of whatever news scene with a big phallic microphone labelled COCK raised to their mouth...
ReplyDeleteOh yeah - and what's not to like about a Border Collie picture!!!
i'd watch your cock. could i be a cock anchor? say that out loud. it's funny when it sounds like cock yanker. kind of gross when it sounds like cock canker.
ReplyDeletei too avoid news. the good to bad news ratio has become 1:100.
ReplyDeleteyour form of news, however, brings me great joy. cock all the way!
Aladdinsane: Awesome. We need to form a ninja duo and go take him out. And not for drinks either! :)
ReplyDeleteV.Sprite: I think we need that channel. I think we owe it to mankind to counteract the scary news with COCK.
Sharon: HAHAHA! Uh. Yes. :) That's for REALLY naughty news we can't show on COCK.
Macy: OH Yes! The COCK mike. That would be all kinds of fantastic. And I agree on the Border Collie. They are just beautiful animals. Even when painted by me.
Claire: You've given this way too much thought, dude. Which I am more than down with. COCK ON, LADY!
P: COCK all the way indeed. COCK keeps a smile on your face.
I would watch your COCK all the time.
ReplyDeleteWait...
why do I feel so dirty now?
I'd have to watch peeking from behind the sofa as I'm too well brought up to watch COCK. Anyway, wouldn't that make me a voyeur?
ReplyDeleteMadame: My COCK would be cultural though. A cultured COCK is an educational COCK. But it doesn't mind being the new Daleks. Behind the sofa it is.
ReplyDeletei LOOOOVE this painting! you should do mine. they're cute and very paintagenic.
ReplyDeleteBecky: You ARE talking about your dogs right, and not your boobs?
ReplyDeleteTwo thoughts - and you have far too many sharp and devoted commenters for me to do more than skim, so my apologies guys and girls if I've inadvertently plagiarized any of you with my poor observations! But,
ReplyDelete"...even if it’s the BBC who seem unable to write an article these days without grammatical errors or spelling mistakes."
#1, this is almost the worst news in the whole bunch. Ungodly. Not the BEEB? "Ward, don't you think you're being a little hard on the Beeb?"
#2, the idea of a news program that could - by what it chose to broadcast or block - actually control/alter what was happening - is a b&w TZ worthy premise! Potentially. You'd have to get Serling to write it himself. Needs a sure hand.
My news station' mission statement would just say "this station exists only as an excuse to say the word COCK as often as possible!"
ReplyDeleteBut it would change the world to my nefarious means. I would be a great Dictator don't you think? This is my evil plan.
Haha! I'm watching the little orange fucker be a giant douche on Chelsea Lately right now...
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA! I hope he's sounding sincere about his awesomeness because that shit is hilarious. Plus is it just me or is he quite homely? I mean he's like a sundried raisin or something.
ReplyDelete