I could feel it moving in yesterday with its scratchy sore throat and its big box of 700 wet sneezes and the fact I couldn’t breathe worth a damn and sure enough, today, there it is, all squatting in my head like douchebag Jared Leto in an eyeliner store.
I actually got up at 4am this morning to wish a ginormous happy birthday to the fucktastic miss Buffy at Hip Hop Hippie. I’m that dedicated to you people feeling cherished. May your big day be filled with nachos and liquor and being awesome, Buffster.
OK, maybe I didn’t get up at 4am just for the birthday thing, let’s say maybe I also was cranky and annoyed because I hadn’t managed a single breath through my nose since about midnight and I was sick of it, so I thought, “Eff this noise, I want orange juice.” and I got up, put on a horribly ugly but soft and comforting big GAP cardigan thing over my pjs, (seriously, who buys stupid GAP knitwear, it goes all knubbly and nasty after one wash, then shrinks to the size of a Barbie outfit?) grabbed a giant glass – a bucket really – of Tropicana from the fridge and went and sat at the computer for four hours, while I drank OJ like it was going out of style.
Something to note for the future: Don’t drink three giant buckets of OJ on an empty stomach, even when you think you need to be mainlining vitamin C. I’ll tell you why. Your belly will fall out with you. Your belly will be all, “Hell no. Hell. To. The. No.” and it will cause a cramp that feels like someone just fired up a curling iron in your gut and then when you go to the boudoir to relieve that cramp (you all know what I mean, everybody poops, boys and girls) you will create a stench like someone left the decaying corpse of Michael Jackson in there.
Did I go too far with the MJ joke? OJ=OK, MJ=ex-communication? Cheesus Crust! Hahaha!
Why does everything sound like it’s in a tunnel?
awwwww...hope you feel better, dear...sweat that shit out... orange juice and plenty of fuckin'!
ReplyDeleteThanks Doctor! :)
ReplyDeleteHope you're better soon....you've got to show that cold who's the boss, pack its bag, then give it a big kick up the butt and out the door! Steam the crap out of it if it shows any sign of lingering...
ReplyDeleteI am going to kick its ass, Nat. I might NyQuil the hell out of it and send it straight to hell. The taste of that stuff almost kills ME, it should certainly blitz a cold you'd think.
ReplyDeleteOhhhhh, I think that's the same damn virus that attacked me a couple weeks ago. It was DISGUSTING!!!! It was those kids I nanny for who got me sick and I was all like, "you little maggots owe me BIG TIME!!!!"
ReplyDeleteThen I ate the cookies out of their Lunchables.
And now we're even.
Yes! Kids! I'd do the same with the cookies. My appetite has not diminished at all. Just my will to live. :)
ReplyDeleteWHISKY! You need lots and lots of whisky...then lots and lots of bedrest. The bed will follow from the whisky..trust me!!
ReplyDeleteThat's the problem with whisky. One needs bedrest after. Thing is I hate whisky. I know I'm some kind of traitor to my race or something, but I do. Nasty! But hey, if it cures a cold I'd be willing to try.
ReplyDeleteI want to drive a melting vw. Or do lots of drugs. Either or.
ReplyDeleteMy condolences to your nose.
I spent the past few months sick free too! Then last week I got hit hard and I- um- kind of went out before I should have and now I'm back sick again. Because I was a selfish biatch, i am not missing my friend's 30th bday. I suck at life. And at fighting colds. And at sleep. And I'm going now. And wait one more- i'm happy to be back reading your Cheesus Crust/no sleep/cold posts.
ReplyDeleteOh and I found out the name of the movie Cheesus Crust was in. It was a Dane Cook movie and it was called My Best Friend's Girl.
ReplyDeleteGood for you Lola! Party your cold away. As for the Dane Cook movie, fuck that guy. I bet he stole my great name and went back and INSERTED it into his stupid movie. Sulk. :)
ReplyDeleteHannah: Wouldn't that be nice? VW Oblivion, we could call it.
ReplyDeleteBe sure and stick your head in the oven. Fixes that stuff right up.
ReplyDeleteWAIT! BUT NOT TOO HOT! ONLY TURN IT UP TO ABOUT 100... then breathe in deeply.
(haha, like OMB said, while having sex)
Haha, right. Don't bake my head, I see what you're saying. And everyone really feels like sexy time when they have a stinking cold. Really.
ReplyDeleteYou can NEVER go too far with an MJ joke. NEVER! And I got up JUST FOR Buffy's birthday. I think it shows I love her more.
ReplyDeleteu shuldnt say jokes about micheal jackson he is a lejend wat R u??? juss a h8r LOL!!1 have sum mor h8rade biiiiaaatch!!!1! ROFLCOPTEr
ReplyDeletepwn3d!!!
I'm sorry for that last comment. I was reading YouTube comments and it took me a little while to return to normal.
ReplyDeleteJules: Shut you up, wench. :)
ReplyDeleteBeckEye: Hahaha, man, that was scary. It was like his whole fan base descended on me and texted me all at once. :) Actually your comment read like your typical YouTube comment.
Holy shit, I just got your second comment Becks. I see we're on the same page here. YouTube page mainly. :)
ReplyDeleteGet well soon, Veggie Ass! I think I'd die after that amount of orange juice. I'd burn up in an explosion of heartburn.
ReplyDeleteDo you have Airborne up in those parts? I swear by it. Metaphorically of course. Though I have been known to cuss in its vicinity before.
Hey Rich! I don't actually know about Airborne as I've never paid much attention but maybe I'll look into it. And swear at it. Just for you. :)
ReplyDeleteSorry, Rich but that Airborne stuff don't do a thing.
ReplyDeleteVeg, I hope you recover from the creeping death quickly. I don't want to hear you're smellin' like MJ.
Elly: Thanks man. I do shower. But one would hope I can stay alive long enough to not stink up the place with my decomposition. :)
ReplyDeleteVitamins are over-rated. Besides, OJ clashes with your gingerness at a metaphysical level - which is why it makes you ill...
ReplyDeleteFeel better!
ReplyDeleteSquirrel: Fuck you very much, dude. :)
ReplyDeleteHunter: Thank yo. I am doing ok. I like to whine though. Not as much as a MAN of course, but still. :)
Hope you get to feeling better. I had it for 4 weeks.. suckiety sucks..
ReplyDeleteElly -- There is some evidence that Vitamin C, ecinacea and zinc help shorten the duration of a cold, so I wouldn't say it necessarily does nothing.
ReplyDeleteIs it a glorified vitamin pill? Sure. Is it the panacea that will cure everything (or even stop a cold happening in the first place)? Nope. And obviously, you don't want to take too much (any more than 2 tablets a day and you're o/ding on vitamin A).
Get well soon Veggie.
ReplyDeleteYou probably caught something on one of those late night runs to the store for Dt.Pepsi.
If it makes you feel better, you still make me laugh and still paint well even when sick! Careful of that OJ! hee hee.
ReplyDeleteWell hi there, long time no blab! It's me, Miss Mong.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're feeling miserable, but I LOVE the VW!
ReplyDeleteI haven't caught a cold or the flu of pigs this season, but I ended up with a hellacious stomach bug right before Christmas. I swear I vomited like clockwork every two hours.
ReplyDeleteYou know what I blame? My doctor's office. I went to have, uh, a physical condition (read: literal pain in my ass) checked out, and I was hurling the contents of my lunch out 14 hours later.
Queenie: Thank you. I think I'll take hostages if I have it for four weeks. It's a cold not flu so I'm hoping it's gone by say...Sunday. :)
ReplyDeleteEd: Haha, yes. Those dastardly garage assistants poisoned my Pepsi supply.
Jules: Yes. OJ kills. (haha!)
Kam: WELL HI MISS MONG! I was actually just thinking of you recently. I've meant to drop you a line forever! AWESOME. :)
Eva: Thank you. Well you did the whole hippy thing right? It probably brings back memories. Hee!
Jennifer: I haven't had a flu in years but I get a cold every winter sometime. I always forget how annoying they are too. My whole FACE hurts. Stomach things are the worst though. I don't envy you that. I think I'll take the cold.:)
my friend OD's on OJ because she has a morbid fear of scurvy.
ReplyDeletepainting is awesome, as per usual!
Hey P! That made me laugh because when i was a kid that was my mother's excuse for us drinking it for breakfast - "You'll get scurvy". Really? When was the last time an average person got scurvy, mum, like 1642?
ReplyDeleteOh and thank you!
nice pic.. happy OJ..
ReplyDeleterub a piece of ginger on the bottom of your feet - that will clear your stuffy nose. at least it will make you giggle and feel better. :)
ReplyDeleteAww, poor Veg. I get a horrible tummy ache any time I drink OJ so I stay away from that shit.
ReplyDeleteTry inhaling over a big bowl or pot of hot steaming water with a few drops of eucalyptus oil in it (with a towel over you and the bowl to keep the steam in). I don't know if it works but it's satisfyingly medieval.
Veggie Ninja, sorry to hear you are under the weather. *Adopts old woman tone* There is a lot of it going round at the moment deary.
ReplyDeleteThe worst thing is when you sneeze over yourself in the middle of the night when you are asleep.
I hate that.
I likey da paintings! Is very niiice...
ReplyDeleteI am new here. Can you tell me where the toilet is?
ReplyDeletePromise to flush and spray.
southern comfort also leaves quite a stench. hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteWould the huge email my sister sent me about her 15-month-old son's ear pus and public vomiting episode make you feel better by comparison?
ReplyDeleteSee now if you'd added vodka to the OJ all would be well in the world. No real taste, very antiseptic and out of the freezer to deal with any fever. Hell just create some jello shots for the sore throat. Is there anything it can't do? Screw echinatia go the vodka, technically herbal as it comes from the humble potato. (Hmmmm I fear I may have thought this through a bit much).
ReplyDeleteAnd no it is never to early for an MJ joke.
That VW has a fish eye. Or is it Hammy Hampster? Nice still. Get off the OJ immediately, scurvy is much funnier.
ReplyDeleteNitin: Thank you. And...thank you. :)
ReplyDeleteSarah: Ginger? Well, I'll try anything. Plus I like the smell of ginger. Not that I can smell. But you know what I mean.
Soda: I think I love Vicks vapor rub due to the strong eucalyptus element. It's so soothing and temporarily nose cleansing. I like it!
Dan: Thanks mommy. :) I usually snort myself awake middle of the night because I can't breathe. It's as wonderful as it sounds. Who doesn't love a giant, bone-dry mouth?
Mrs. E: Thank you! You are quite mad after all I see.
Mysticbiscuit: I don't think you want to go in there after my OJ episode. :) But knock yourself out.
Claire: Hmm. However, it's fun going IN at least. I've had some bad SC hangovers in the past.
Wendy: Oddly enough, yes, yes it does! ICK! :)
Rusty: What would I do without your wisdom. You seem able to justify any alcoholic intake and I admire that! Truly.
Dale: I think my nose might have scurvy. It's dry and scaly and sore.
You poor wee lamb. You need some scotch broth, Irn Bru and an emergency package of Tunnock's products. Hope you're on an upwardly perky trend.
ReplyDeleteHahaha Scotch broth! :) I will, however, take the Tunnock's and the IB. Irn Bru cures all they say. I'm not sure who this "THEY" are but they know their shit.
ReplyDeleteI love the melting VW.. feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteTry masturbation. Always works for me
ReplyDeleteAwwww, hurray for the birthday shout-out!!! You're pure amazingness. So sorry bout your fucking cold though dude, NOT OKAY. I just got over the terminator cold so I totes understand. It's hell. Sending you immune system vibes!
ReplyDeleteAnd love the new painting!!!
oh my god with the Gap sweaters. I bought one and it was so ridiculously cute and all cardigan-y and lovely and then BAM washed once and shrunk and pilled and into the damn garbage. HATE.
ReplyDeleteBuffstah: I think I caught YOUR terminator cold. Stupid thing made me sulk all weekend when I wasn't cringing at the war going on in my eye sockets. I'm still suffering. Grrrrrr! Maybe I need cheese and booze like certain other people...
ReplyDeleteAli: I KNOW! Those effing things pill like a motherfucker. I think I wore this one one time and it was all looking like it was five years old. And it shrunk. I stretched it out and wear it in the house but it's not fit to wear anywhere else. DAMN YOU GAP!
Hopefully you are on your way to feeling better.
ReplyDeleteYou painted that???
oh my, talented too!
I just want to tell you that every time I come over here I am absolutely loving the little bug vans. AHHHHHH! I always forget to tell you in the comments because your glowing prose then distracts me from said cute vehicles.
Always loved mini's so much you need to check out this post on my blog when you get a sec.
http://candysdailydandy.blogspot.com/search/label/Miniatures
so honkin cute you wont be able to stand it.
MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD?!?!?!
ReplyDeleteI like that it looks like it's melting- kinda makes me feel like I'm a little stoned which is a nice way to greet MondayfuckingMorning.
ReplyDeleteFeel better snotty McSnot!
ps- My birthday is on Friday but I promise that you don't have to get up at 4am cuz I sure as shit won't be.
Vodka: It's like an acid trip (man). And thanks!
ReplyDeleteUberG: Well if it works for you... It's a cure you don't read about in medical journals.
Candy: Much better today thank you! Aren't the little bug vans BEAUTIFUL? Like little metal puppies! I will go check out your link of cuteness now.
Moooooog: Dude. I'm so sorry. I should've sat you down with some soothing music and broken it gently but it had to be said.
Kim: Hahaha! Monday mornings should always be approached with narcotics maybe? Happy birthday for Friday, in case I forget between now and then (not at ALL unheard of). :)
You could write anything and I would laugh my ass off as long as it includes "Cheesus Crust" in it. You could be all "blah blah blah hernia blah blah blah gaping flesh wound blah blah blah Christianity is a myth blah blah blah" and then end it with a "Cheesus Crust" and I'd be all "Hot damn! Hilarious again!".
ReplyDeleteI like people who are easy to please Miss Y. Usually their standards are nice and low just like mine. :)
ReplyDeleteThree giant buckets of OJ?
ReplyDelete*noted*
I had a house mate once who had a thing for apple juice. He bought a pack of six cartons. So that is maybe 8 litres or something. He's in his room playing computer for hours and hours. I go in to his room at one point and he's lying on the floor groaning, six empty cartons of juice beside him. He drank the lot!
Mo: I wonder if apple juice rots your innards as much as OJ. Sounds like it! Still, I'm pretty sure 8 litres of anything would have that effect. ICK!
ReplyDeleteCrikey, you are ill. No posts for four whole days
ReplyDeleteEr, by which I mean 'get well soon'.
ReplyDeleteManners...
Holy Jeebus, you're like Comment Queen over here, aren't ya? 63 comments???? Wowza.
ReplyDeleteAnyway....
There's an award for you on my blog today. Enjoy!
UberG: I'll have you know I was sick as a...something really sick...thing all weekend and only today can I breathe. So beware later on. Man, you people are hard to please. :)
ReplyDeleteCora: Well to be honest a substantial portion of them are mine. :) And oh, awards! You spoiler you. I'm going there now.
If you're feeling throaty I hear gurgling a salty liquid substance can relieve that. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteFor the love of God, dude... :)
ReplyDeleteI guess you are feeling better? Good enough to point out that I am not a singer! LOL!
ReplyDeletePretty funny someone named spunk talking about Jizz! hehe.
Haha, I liked your ABBA rendition. I still say you're not nearly bad enough a singer to win though. I mean even when you're trying to be bad you're not that bad. It's a compliment really man!
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, TS is a dirty, dirty man. :)
the purple is so soft and liquid on the photo. I like it!
ReplyDeleteI'm just getting over being sick so I've sprayed your blog with lyesol just in case. You're welcome.
ReplyDeleteLucy & Dick: It's soothing. Like a nice tipsy evening by the fire.
ReplyDeleteSuze: I probably got it from you, fucker!
LOVE the painting. You are the greatest human that ever lived.
ReplyDeleteOK, that made me laugh out loud. :) I did ask for it after all. Haha.
ReplyDeleteOh and thank you.