New Year’s Is My Bitch

It’s that time of year again when everyone’s making New Year’s resolutions about eating less and exercising more and improving their lives and cooking at home instead of eating out and not yelling at their kids so much and cleaning more and so on and so forth.

Me, I never make those sort of resolutions. Because a) they’re dumb, and b) I’m a realist. I know that come January 2nd I’ll already have blown several of them – even the one about the kids and I don’t even have kids - and well…there’s no point starting something on the second right? It’s the first or nothing. Starting on the second would be…untidy. Like starting in the middle of a cake and eating your way out.

Which sounds actually sort of awesome…

Having said that I decided this year I might make some resolutions to show willing, but to be sure of success I will choose resolutions that I have at least a fighting chance of keeping so I can attain a level of smugness usually only seen in TV chat show hosts, all year long.

My ten resolutions for 2010.

1) I will not stab anyone in the eye with a fork. I think I can pull this off but truly it all depends on me avoiding as many actual people as possible for as long as possible. Plus bear in mind I said “fork”. All other instruments are fine.

2) I will eat at least one cake a month - I’m pretty sure I can pull this off because I am a very determined cake eater.

3) I will never say a nice thing about the show “Jersey Shore” – Also every time I see that guy “the Situation” I will pledge to yell things at the TV about him being a “self-righteous, orange little girlieboy” and ask rhetorical questions like, “What are you, like 30 and you’re still acting like a 19 year old frat boy?” and “for the love of the baby Jesus, put your shirt back on, loser and find your way back to Earth!” and “What the fuck am I doing watching this shit?”

4) I will consider potato chips as vital as vegetables in quest for a “balanced diet” – I am serious people. I am willing to do this. Can I do it? Well, I have will power of steel. Steel.

5) I will not watch C.S.I. anything, NCIS or Without a Trace – This one is just here in case I suffer a head injury and wake up one day salivating wildly and grasping for the remote while muttering “Mainstream major network cop drama, give…me…now…” To be fair, this has never happened to me ever so chances are good it won’t happen but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.

6) I will procrastinate a lot – Because you know, that’s totally hard for me. I’d actually procrastinate more but I figure meh, I can do it later.

7) I’ll write a lot of lame blog entries in 2010, most of them about bugs crawling up asses and fart related observations and the intricate nuances of cake, interspersed with substandard Photoshop drawings of me doing dumb things while always wearing the same clothes. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Well let’s not get hasty here, Veg, don’t tax your giant brain with this intellectual stuff!”

8) I will vow to save vast amounts of money for a stated purpose then I will instead squander it to buy paint, condiments and handbags, forgetting I probably would have to earn said money first. I do this every year so I’m pretty sure I can keep this one.

9) I will not become a famous celebrity renowned for my talent and my amazing stories about my travels. That’s right. Don’t try to make me. I will not do that.

10) I will aim to eat a grilled cheese sandwich about three times a week. It’ll be unpleasant people, but I think I can pull it off. In the name of resolutions.

I foresee a successful resolution keeping year ahead for me, what about you?

P.S. If I don't see you before, happy new year you lovely, lovely people! Thank you to you all for stopping by and reading this nonsense and fellating my gigantic balloon-swollen ego throughout 2009.