Well hi there Monday morning, you son of a whore!
My weekend was full of painting, sleeping, eating Italian food, drinking alcoholic beverages, freezing my ass off and finding out that there was a new, putrid life-form that used to be a cucumber squatting in the vegetable drawer in the fridge.
That last one required an approach with trepidation and a SWAT team, followed by a nose crinkling frown and a hasty clean up, complete with many squalid and colourful little swear words and the holding of the pungent object at arm’s length while not breathing for an extended period. This was immediately succeeded by a frantic trip outside to the dumpster and drawer fumigation. Who knew one little innocent veggie could smell so much like hell? In fact, if I ever had to hazard a guess as to the stench inside Bono’s leather pants, that rotted cucumber mulch would be pretty damn close.
Before you get the wrong idea, I don’t spend a lot of time speculating about the inside of Bono’s leather pants. Or anyone else’s.
Saturday was also my chance to attend some friends' office Christmas party which was most enlightening because:
1) I learned that it’s fun to dilute 7UP and home made fruit punch with the magic, sassy touch of Jose Cuervo. Jose makes anything better, truly. Well except your head next morning. Or your dignity. Or your ability to stay awake past about 10pm. Or to keep your top on.
I kept my top on, shut up.
2) Karaoke is a tool of Satan and there is almost no karaoke song on Earth in a key people can actually sing. Screw karaoke, man. Also? You can not appreciate karaoke sober. It is not possible. Even smashed it’s painful.
3) Driving across town with the fan in the car broken, no heat and the windows down when it’s minus thirty out, is less fun that you might imagine. It makes shopping at WalMart on a Saturday afternoon seem like a worthwhile and pleasurable experience.
Also, while at the Christmas party I heard a really fantastic true story that culminated in a handicapped little person sitting in a closet with a glass of milk, but it’s not my story to tell, so just know, it put the “awe” in “awesome” and tickled my fancy extremely. You can all use your imaginations on that.
You’re welcome. Now I need coffee.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Here's the What What
So. People have nudged me about my total ineptness at updating this thing and they are correct. It's just, I don't have a life reall...
Now I finally know why I experience such attraction to karaoke. I should just stop fighting it and give in to Satan. After all, according to The Grandmother, I AM his spawn.
ReplyDeleteIt's just one of those things that are simultaneously alluring and deadly. And cringeworthy. Also, I never knew you and I were related!
ReplyDeleteHahaha! That's very funny, I too have had that very particular variety of cucumber mysteriously appear in my veggie drawer, wretched little things I tell ya! I think the boys Jose and Absolute were out in full force this weekend, I too ran into them at a local pub and they were behaving very badly.
ReplyDeleteCheers,
C
I like karaoke. I like all japanese food
ReplyDeleteA midget in a closet with a glass of milk? Now that would make a damn fine writing prompt.
ReplyDeleteOh Veg, I have never never never speculated on the contents of Bono's leather trousers... but ever since you gave me that image I can't said contents out of my head. Squishy. Obviously squishy....
ReplyDeleteOh I totally need to hear that story now. I can almost picture it in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI have never Karoaked. Is that a word?
The true story you described sounds like it would make for a great painting. Please post a photo when you finish it.
ReplyDeleteKaraoke is only fun when you are the one singing.
ReplyDeleteAlso - I had a similar fright with a putrid cucumber in my own fridge several years ago and now I only buy the "English" kind that's shrinked wrapped so when/if it turns it's self contained (although creepily flaccid) for immediate disposal without much mess. Helpful hint from me to you ;)
That's what happens when you USE cucumbers first and then try to put them back.
ReplyDeleteOr so I hear.
I have a dear friend who, sadly, loves karaoke. We agree to go with her once a year with the condition that we pick out her songs. "I Touch Myself" is always a crowd pleaser. Perhaps you could give it a go at the next company party?
ReplyDeleteThe midget in the closet story is turning out really well in my head... I never knew you could get a glass of milk THAT way. Thanks!
Hope you get that car heater fixed before you freeze to death!
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA...I recently discovered an ex-cucumber in the depths of my fridge too! Actually, my roommates found it and didn't shut up about it for like a day.
ReplyDeleteYou are wrong about karaoke, my friend. Just dead wrong!
ReplyDeleteKaraoke is a tool of Satan?
ReplyDeleteExplains a lot.
Though, is that really the most effective way to rebel against God?
I can't believe you're holding out on us with that midget story.
ReplyDelete*fist shake*
also "In fact, if I ever had to hazard a guess as to the stench inside Bono’s leather pants, that rotted cucumber mulch would be pretty damn close."
hahahahahahahhaa!
i'm not convinced you kept your top on, but then again, i just had to use my imaginations, didn't i? ha!
ReplyDeleteKaraoke doesn't make people cringe, people singing karaoke badly makes people cringe.
ReplyDeleteYou are 10 shades of awesome, top on-or-off!
ReplyDeleteByDSea: I swear those things are in allegiance. There's always one just bunks down there for the winter and you don't find it until there's the smell of death in your fridge and brown gunk everywhere. And yes, those boys you mentioned are fuckers. FUCKERS!
ReplyDeleteUberG: Haha, yes. I hear you particularly enjoy Bukkake.
Hunter: Wouldn't it? Yet the real story would trump all I think. I thought it might just be funny because I was uh...merry, but turns out, no, it is funny ANYWAY.
Macy: I'm so sorry. Now your life will be ruined by that image infiltrating your thoughts whenever there's a "fragrance of objection" around.
Mepsi: It is now. And please, keep it that way. No karaoke. Keep it pure.
SG: Oddly enough we were saying the same thing. I'm not sure I'd want THAT hanging on my wall but it would sure be a conversation starter.
Lady: Yes, that is true. Also true is the shrink rapped cucumber thing. This was a wild one from someone's garden that was running loose in there. I just shuddered remembering it actually. UGH.
Ed: Oh dear. Someone had to go there I guess. Odds were good it would be you.
Cheeks: Yes, that sounds like it would go down a treat. As well as some burly man singing "Man, I Feel Like a Woman". :) Also, your mind midget story sounds every bit as interesting.
Eva: It is being rectified as we speak! No more freezing to death.
Beck: Gross. I mean such a tasteless vegetable. So harmless. Until you forget about it. Oh no, it will NOT be forgotten. NASTY!
Red: Haha, well, now we all need to see Red Karaoke. This karaoke you don't need to see, believe me.
Mo: It's a good way to START... maybe.
Soda: I just couldn't do it justice. You have to hear it being told in person. It's that kind of story.
Sarah: Well, however your mind wants to go, crazy lady! I don't think the world is ready for me singing topless. Nope.
Eric: Well done. And believe me when I say - this was full of CRINGE. :)
Meaty: I see you have a great imagination yourself, dude! Although you are dead right! :)
ReplyDeleteA very funny story...thanks you!
ReplyDeletePoor, forgotten cucumber - what a way to go! Death by continuous cycles of freeze-thaw-freeze-thaw…one might have expected a quicker, cleaner method from The Vegetable Assassin :-)
ReplyDeleteGeezees: You're welcome. And no doubt traumatized for life.
ReplyDeleteNat: I know right? I should be the ninja of assassinating veggies instead of just letting them rot in my fridge! I let the side down, truly.
You made me laugh out loud numerous times. Your opening line sounds like a fine weekend aside from that shady cucumber incident. Karaoke is the devil.
ReplyDeleteYeah I need to change my philosophy to, "The first rule of the shady cucumber incident is we don't talk about the shady cucumber incident!" I think it would be best for all. :)
ReplyDelete1. Did you just call my mom a whore?
ReplyDelete2. But judging 'Out of Tune Tuesday Idol' will most certainly NOT be like watching karaoke, right??
OM: Yep!
ReplyDeleteJules: That's TOTALLY different, dude. :) That involves public sarcasm. I can do that.
Keep your top up is totally over-rated. You know who likes tops up all the time? Hitler. That's who.
ReplyDeleteOk now I will never be able to lust after Bono in his leather pants without thinking about the rotten cucumber smell.
ReplyDelete"The magic sassy touch of Jose Cuervo" usually lands me sassily touching things I shouldn't.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I received a text message that said "sweet rack" while writing above comment. Followed by one that said "wrong person, sorry."
Should I be offended? I have a sweet rack. Really, I do. Please help me Veggie!
"Jose makes anything better, truly."
ReplyDeleteTry it with the Bono-scented cucumber, maybe?
Pffft! Your top came off and you know it.
ReplyDeleteveg. haven't i ever told you what to do with cucumbers? and i also want to know where the video of this event is located? hmmmm? i'm excited! what song did we go with? i do a mean evanescence. duet sometime?
ReplyDeleteI'm quite sure Bono can afford to change out his trouser-cuke for a fresh one on a regular basis. Plus, as long as you keep it foil-wrapped it lasts a good week!
ReplyDeleteI did karaoke once. Nailed it.
Never again. Go out on top, I say.
Kurt: I consider myself completely told off, dude. I can't go being like Hitler now can I. It's going to get pretty cold out there this winter for a topless lady.
ReplyDeletePeachy: I think honestly, I did you a favour then! That'll be $175 please. :)
Hannah: Yes, Jose is a bad, bad man. :) Also, are you texting yourself again? Although, I'd just take it as a compliment whether it was meant for you or not. Your rack deserves recognition.
Rich: You make a very valid point. Next time I will remember this. If I drink enough of it, perhaps it will numb my sense of smell enough that I don't care?
Cora: I told you to keep that to yourself, beeyotch.
Becks: Well yes, you have dude, however the mailman wasn't into it. Sorry. I say post the Evanescence impersonation so we can have a giggle. I mean, be REALLY impressed.
Dog: You know a lot about Bono's cucumber that's for sure. Pervert!
As for going out on top, depends on how tired you are. Sometimes the bottom might be better.
I never have alcohol yet I never manage to keep my top on. And I was manage to end up dancing on tables. Wow. That almost makes me sound like a stripper. Except I don't actually get paid for any of this.
ReplyDeleteYou people who hate karaoke just got the wrong idea. The goal ain't to be good, fuck I got an iPod if I want GOOD music, the point is to be boldy terrible. To own the horror.
ReplyDeleteI'll trade you midget stories. I got some involving the wizard of Oz, bathtubs and various colored hankies.
WHAT?!?
ReplyDeleteI totally CRUSHED 'The Boys are Back in Town' when I used to sing karaoke.
That was until I'd look down and realized I was NOWHERE near what I was supposed to be singing.
They have screens that apparently show you the words.
Helpful tip there.
OH god, this milky midge needs to be our friend along with Fairfax Jesus Guy and the controversial you-know-who...
ReplyDeleteCucumbers are the absolute most disgusting pieces of filth when they rot. They turn into Satan turds. Horrid.
Sid: I think you need to start thinking about making this a career in that case. :) Instead of just being a benevolent boob flasher. Haha.
ReplyDeleteLion: No, I agree, bad karaoke is the only reason to watch it otherwise you're just watching a wannabe living out their singing fantasy. The worse it is the better. But you have to admit, it still gets old pretty fast unless the person's got some dance moves or other nonsense going for them.
Midgets and coloured hankies eh...I'm almost afraid to ask.
Moooooog: Were you singing to your balls again? And yes, the words. They have those for a reason. But I don't think there's a law says you have to follow them. You rock on with your bad self.
Buffster: Add him to the posse!
And yes cukes are the worst. I have no idea how something with so little substance can smell so loathsome. Really, it's disconcerting dude...
I read that first paragraph fast and thought that you said something about cucumber squatting! LOL!
ReplyDeleteThe fun part of Karaoke is watching people make idiots out of themselves, unfortunately, I am usually the idiot.
There is some kind of meat in my freezer. I don't remember buying it or freezing it. If you would kindly clean out my freezer, I will drive you around in my car.....with heat. Deal?
ReplyDeleteSeriously, you are going to leave me with the image of a handicapped midget drinking a glass of milk without telling me how and why he got/is there?
ReplyDeleteThis has saddened me. In fact, I don't think that I shall get a wink of sleep tonight. Oh wait, that's not any different from every night.
Man I have missed reading all of these posts!
Otin: My mind boggles! How could you think such a thing about such a clean living, innocent like me?
ReplyDeleteKaraoke is ONLY fun if there are idiots.
Suze: Oh dear. Is it the remains of Mr. Suze? Also, you drive a hard bargain.
Lola: If you're good I'll tell you the story. :) Sometime.
Insomniacs of the world unite! Or maybe ignite. Any less sleep and I'd spontaneously combust.
Back in my "too broke to do anything but go to the bar" my friend & I loved in a decrepid shit hole. The fridge broke and it's only contents was a half eaten round of garlic sausage. Because it no longer got cold and our "perishables" were put in a cooler in the snow on our deck we forgot about the sausage.
ReplyDeleteFor 7 months.
The girl who opened the fridge (stupidly assuming that it was 1-working 2-had food in it 3- didn't contain 7 month old rotten meat)was never again allowed in our house.
ps- I'm a little bit classier now, honest.
Okay, I'm glad you kept your top on ... but I have to wonder if there is maybe some other reason you were thinking about Bono when handeling a cucumber? Were you, maybe, remember that cucumber's better days, I hope?
ReplyDeletehope your car gets warmed up soon!
Jose Cuervo will most certainly not help you keep your top on but rather rip it off and hurl it about your head as if stuck on an island waving for rescuers.
ReplyDeleteAnd he will also encourage you to do that while singing Karaoke. Karoake is the tool of Jose Cuervo.
Ha ha sounds like it was a week for Christmas parties
ReplyDeleteKate xx
http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com
I so want to know that joke. And now I know why i don't eat cucumbers. Enlightened as always.
ReplyDeleteKim: Oh dear God. Putrid ex-sausage. I think that might be worse than the cucumber thing. But hell, we all do it sometime, right? Classier or not.
ReplyDeleteS3X: I resent that suggestion madame! Well unless you meant maybe I was thinking of bludgeoning him with it, in which case, SPOT ON!
Jenny: Jose is a bad, bad man with bad, bad intentions and you are right, only he can instigate something as evil as karaoke.
Kate: And thankfully a year till the next one. Mine was less eventful than yours though. :)
Madame: It wasn't even a joke, it was a true story that happened to someone. But it was awesome. And if I was less lazy I would tell you.
I'm totally having karaoke at my wedding reception.
ReplyDeleteUgh I DESPISE karaoke. Its never fun.
ReplyDeleteIm new to your blog, just wanted to say I love it
Li: And that is NOT surprising to me. Yet, I feel your karaoke would be entertaining.
ReplyDeleteLaurnie: Apart from LiLu's reception I might have to agree. Well also maybe if you're really drunk and people are doing it with choreography. And thank you!
I can't believe you didn't tell us that midget story. I'm guessing he was bad and was sent to the closet to think about what he'd done.
ReplyDelete