Hey Big Guy.
So what's the deal? Last year you showed up at my house half smashed and dipped your wanger in the Eggnog. My grandma drank that eggnog. She complimented its "nutty aftertaste". I didn't have the heart to tell her the only nuts that had been anywhere near it were yours.
This year could you be a little more discreet do you think? Maybe you could use the front door? The chimney's been out of commission since before I was even born. You'd think by now you'd know that, especially after that one time you were wedged in there for four days till we pushed an indignant elf up there with a vat of Vaseline and a shoe horn.
Anyway, can you do me a giant favour and bring me the following items for Christmas? I'd get them all myself at the hardware store but the last time I tried that they told me they'd have to just ‘run in the back for a second’ and then those fuckers totally called the cops.
Here’s what I need:
1) Seven feet of rope, one inch diameter should do it
2) One plastic container no smaller than four feet long and three feet wide. Make sure it doesn't dissolve in sulphuric acid. I didn't know about that last time and it took me about a month to clean that crap up. Thankfully the cops still think that dude moved to Florida.
3) One gas mask
4) A lead pipe heavy enough to use as a cosh
5) A chainsaw
6) Acid – about six gallons should be ok
7) Overalls
8) If you could pick up a litre of tequila as well I'd be pretty grateful. Just don’t drink it before you get to my house this time.
Thanks Santa, tell Mrs. Claus I hope the ointment did the trick.
- VEGX
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So. People have nudged me about my total ineptness at updating this thing and they are correct. It's just, I don't have a life reall...
You say he dipped his wanger in the eggnog like it's a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteThe fuck?
I have never read a scarier letter to Santa in my life. And that includes the one written by my sister in which she threatened bodily harm if she didn't get the Barbie dream house.
ReplyDeleteThat wishlist should guarantee your continued stay on the naughty list.
ReplyDeleteOld naughty list = lump of coal in stockings.
New naughty list = Old Santa's balls in punch bowl.
you forgot: plastic sheeting, gloves and a body suit. you're welcome, amateur!
ReplyDeleteSanta spooged in my gas tank last year for Christmas...
ReplyDeleteIf all of those things are needed for a man, I totally volunteer to be your assistant. Provided I get the perk of sharing the tequila.
ReplyDeleteWow, holy hell. The zombie baby jesus hates you know. That was some funny shit. Who pissed you off. Hope it wasn't me.
ReplyDeleteSigned
Hiding till after Xmas
ROTFLMAO! You ain't right, Veg, you just ain't right in the head. 'S what I love about you.
ReplyDeleteWell, if I didn't already hate eggnog, that post would have made a hater out of me. One word: Ew!
So, who's on the hit list now?
lol! could you loan me those after you're done? i have a few peop...errr things i can use them on.
ReplyDeleteAs usual, Veg you crack me up!
ReplyDeleteShould I warn your husband of your plans ... or it someone else.
ReplyDeleteNo duct tape, really? That's the fatal flaw in whatever plan it is you've dreamed up. ;)
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like an episode of Breaking Bad. You need Bryan Cranston, not Santa!
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a satisfying & productive Christmas, Veggie.
ReplyDeleteDewd, Santa is such a total perv. Fecking hilar. He just really loves throwing his snake and eggs anywhere he can fit them. If I were those reindeer, I'd be wearing a chastity belt. The North Pole, where men are men and the reindeer are scared.
ReplyDeleteMoooooog: Depends on the Eggnog, I think... Sometimes it might be a plus.
ReplyDeleteLibby: The one I originally wrote about Barry Manilow was scarier. Really.
Ed: Not again. The balls thing is getting old. He better keep those things where they belong, in his grotto.
Becky: Dude, please. I'm no amateur, I already HAVE those.
Meaty: Well.... that sounds about right. How many miles to the gallon does that get?
Miss OWO: You can do the messy bits. I'll supervise with the tequila. Yes, I like that idea.
Mepsi: It's what happens when I don't get what I want. You have to go live in the basement until I get "supplies".
Dame: Maybe this is WHY you hate Eggnog? You've always had your suspicions. Now you know what nutmeg really is.
Sarah: Sure, saves me disposing of evi...I mean, cleaning up.
Eva: Admit it, you're taking notes for future reference. And you've scratched Eggnog off your holiday shopping list.
Hunter: Who doesn't have duct tape already? You'd think I don't use that daily for my nefarious purposes. Hello!
Red; Yes it does. And he taught me a lot. Before BB I was totally about dismemberment.
Soda: Oh yes ma'am. Yes. Ma'am.
Buffster: He's a bit of an ex frat boy really and he never grew out of it. Give him an occasion and out they come like goddamn Mardi Gras beads. Also, the North Pole is also scared, imagine the plans he has for THAT!
Vodka: The garage attendant who runs out of Diet Pepsi. He's the one you need to warn.
ReplyDeleteYou have to got to the "special store" for those sorts of things. His name is Rocko. Or Paulo. They don't ask questions.
ReplyDeleteKim: Oh! Do they know Big Vinnie!?! Sadly he's in Mexico for a while till he can "iron things out" otherwise I'd go there. Until then it's basically retail. Damn.
ReplyDeleteI think you're being too nice to the guy. Guy drinks my vodka he's gonna get it.
ReplyDeleteAnd you could make this ordeal a whole lot easier and just ask for a dexter. I want one. He's hootttt.
Hmmm there's a point. But then I'd have to get the uh....merchandise, to Miami and probably pay Dexter and then that would make ME a possible Dexter victim as I'd fit his "rules" and it would just end badly. For me, mainly. Yep.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's reason number 45,007,666,911 why I don't like egg nog.
ReplyDeleteAnd honestly, can you think of a better one? No. You cannot. :)
ReplyDeleteThis post was hilarious!
ReplyDeleteDunno what you're complaining about. Last year Santa peed in my hot mulled cider. Very nasty.
ReplyDeleteSunshine: Well thank you. I think you might have similarly psycho tendencies. :)
ReplyDeleteRich: Well! It's SUPPOSED to have some spice in it I guess. Still, I'll stick to drinks from a sealed bottle, thanks!
I would so seriously hate to be the man who crosses you.
ReplyDeleteTell the truth; is this you going after old boyfriends? Is that what you’re asking Santa for?
Nope, it's just me thinking "What would be the most sinister thing to ask a jovial old white bearded man for?" I don't think I hate anyone enough to wish that on them. :) I don't hate anybody. But I'm prepared for if I ever do. Ha.
ReplyDeleteJust to let you know then, I am your friend.
ReplyDeleteRemember that.....
Noted. I love terrifying people into friendship. :)
ReplyDeletenutty aftertaste....poor,poor Grandma!
ReplyDeleteMen are SO lucky they come equipped with their own personal swizzle sticks.
ReplyDeleteI have dipped my wanger in many things, but have yet to try eggnog! LOL! That would really be spiking the eggnog! haha!
ReplyDeleteJenny: Hahaha, oh I'm sure it's not the first time granny's had nuts in her mouth! Actually, I don't have a grandma and I'm sure when she was alive she was much too ladylike to have entertained such notions...
ReplyDeleteSteamy: There's so much you can do with a personal swizzle stick. So long as it's not in MY drink that's fine.
Otin: Please do tell. MANY things? :)
Acid? I think going the other way with lime is 'the right thing to do', as Wilford Brimley might say.
ReplyDeleteHey did you know that a limestone tomb is called a 'sarchophogus' because the latin roots mean 'eating flesh'?
You're a trip and a half. Better than acid! You make me laugh so hard that, far as I'm concerned, you can do no wrong. I think it's sweet that you're being creative and, uhm, building stuff and what not during the holidays.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Sweet baby cheesecakes....WHAT are you planning on WEARING on xmas day??? Do they make Festive Gimp masks????
ReplyDeleteWill you be adorning any victims with tinsel or holly before slicing???
Don't you want a video camera to record all of the above for posterity? And then post it on YouTube?
ReplyDeleteThis year put some toothpaste in the eggnog. He won't dip his wanger again, I can assure you
ReplyDeleteSo this means you are kidnapping Sarah Palin with me, and forcing her to star in horror movie sequels for the rest of her existence? We are always on the same page.
ReplyDeleteI'd like a gas mask and a chainsaw too. You just never know when you might need those things.
ReplyDeleteMr. Cheeks and I had a "Dexter" watching marathon this weekend... which only served to make sense of this entire list. But I think you should make it 10 gallons of acid. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteEric: I don't even want to know how you know this... And if anyone knew about sarchophogus it would be you.
ReplyDeleteLe Sin: Thank you, I like to have a holiday project you know? Uh..."building" stuff. Yep.
Macy: I thought maybe just a giant SNUGGIE. A red one as red hides a multitude of sins. Nothing under it. Just insanity.
Madame: Only if they rechristen it "UGHTube" Ha! I slay me.
UberG: Once again, I am not even going to ASK how you know this. Although obviously I'm dying to know. And yet...not.
Hannah: I would do that, absolutely. Her existence might not last too long though. Especially if Santa brings me those items.
Jules: You can never go wrong with those items in your arsenal. In fact, those items plus cheese and a good liquid beverage may be all you'll EVER need. And by "you" I of course mean ME.
Cheeks: Noted. I will email Santa and up my request some. I'd hate to be left with some undissolved bits. Thanks for that!!!
i hope santa came through for you!
ReplyDelete