Me, Me, Me, Meme

What’s that you say, “Veg is doing a meme on a Friday, is there a blue moon? Was that pink streak in the sky a quick flash of flying pig?” Well it’s been a few weeks so you can just suck it, people and put your sarcasm right back in your pocket.

Anyway, I have to do it because I got all tagged up by Jules to tell you all about ten things that make me happy and since Jules is letting me be a judge on her Blogger Idol video karaoke thingiemabob in the new year due to my Simon Cowellesque scathing cut downs, well basically I’ll do anything for Jules.

But like Meatloaf, I won’t do that.

I always wondered what exactly it was that Meat wouldn’t do? Clearly it wasn’t cheeseburgers.

So yes, ten things that make me happy. Obviously I’m supposed to tag ten of you to do it too but you know me, I’m far too lazy to do that nonsense, therefore, consider yourselves all tagged. Even you, lazybones.

Upwards and onwards.

So ten things that make the Vegetable Assassin happy. Let me see:

1) fluffy clouds, 2) the giggles of adorable, plump little babies, 3) my relationship with Jesus, 4) long walks by the river, 5) the joy on the faces of little children, 6) rainbows, 7) unicorns, 8) Koombaya, 9) Snuggies, 10) loving my neighbour

BAHAHAHAHA! I slay me.

Here’s my real list.

1) Animals make me happy. I get all sappy when I see them. Even the not so pretty ones, like alligators or warthogs. But not bugs. I don’t like bugs. Bugs can all just fuck right off instead of flitting around in my face or lying in wait for me in dark corners or waiting to crawl up my butt if I let down my guard and sleep with no pants on. I’ve mentioned this before I know but it bears repeating. No bugs in the ass.

2) Drinks make me happy. Especially cold drinks. They probably make me happier than food even. There’s nothing as satisfying as a cold, wonderful beverage, even one that doesn’t have alcohol in it, before you go getting the wrong idea. Non alcoholic things I like to drink: skim milk with ice in it (shut up), icy cold Diet Pepsi, orange juice, Irn Bru, limeade, the blood of babies (although truly that’s leaning more towards warm)

3) A deserted beach in summer, smelling the ocean and listening to the waves makes me happy so long as there are no hippies on the beach. Otherwise the sound of me drowning hippies in the waves makes me equally blissful.

I’m kidding, hippies, it’s just that you’re such an easy target with your hemp and your big, fat doobies and your Jesus hair and your Birkenstock sandals and the fact you say stupid ass things like “We need to all just love one another and save the planet” when we could save the planet a whole lot faster by inventing alternative fuel from burning all the hippies.

4) Painting makes me happy. It keeps me stable and serene and this should, in turn, make you happy, because then I’m a nice, balanced, modest, smiley person who isn’t brandishing an axe or swearing at you.

5) Sleeping makes me happy. I don’t do enough of it, but it makes me joyous when I’m so damn tired I just want to melt into the blankets and be asleep before I can even finish my thought.

6) Really weird, unimportant things make me happy, like the other day I got one of those fancy Febreze thingies that are a flickering light on a wooden base with a scented shade so it looks like a candle but like…totally isn’t a candle. It’s a fake candle! It’s a lie, people! Sort of like a pre-op trans-sexual who looks like a lady but still has a penis. And then I sulked because the fake candle was broken and the light wouldn’t come on even after I removed the battery tab thing and then someone with more intelligence than I calmly took it away from me and flicked a switch on the bottom and it worked just fine and I felt like an idiot because it had a switch? Who knew? Clearly not I.

7) Road trips make me happy. I like being in the car just going someplace, even if that someplace is just WalMart or something. But preferably somewhere much more glamorous and far away and less full of screaming children smacking into my legs with carts.

8) Memes sort of make me happy because I can ramble for hours about myself ad nauseum and feel all self-important and awesome. Hi!

9) Music makes me happy. This week I’ve been rediscovering some vintage Aztec Camera, a kick-ass Rilo Kiley playlist and listening to Shirley Bassey’s “The Girl From Tiger Bay”.

10) A clean toilet makes me happy. Last night I cleaned the toilet to within an inch of its existence, then bleached the living shit out of it (literally!) After it was done it was so sparkly I licked all round the rim of it with my tongue, thus depositing germs on it. The toilet I mean not my tongue. Because…the toilet was cleaner….than my tongue?

...I totally did not do that.

OK so it wasn’t a great meme but it’s 7 am, people, you shouldn’t expect miracles.