Mean Girls

Sometimes I’m a mean, mean person. And I laugh at things that other people love and I don’t even feel bad about it. Like today, when I found out that Hackers had taken over Twitter, like dirty little cyber pirates aboard an Internet cruise ship, I practically got some champagne and toasted those rogues.

Of course, they hack a damn thing of mine I will castrate them all with rusty gardening shears. That goes without saying.

But I have a feeling we can all survive a day without hearing about the size of people’s poop or the fact they’re cooking boef bourgignon for dinner or seeing Ashton Kutcher’s ass photos of Demi Moore. Or Michael Moore. Or Mandy Moore. Whichever Moore's ass photos he's exploiting today.

Although I'm sure Mandy has a nice ass.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t say anything in 140 characters or less. That’s like saying “Here’s an ice cream cone without the ice cream part” – what’s the point? I’m VERBOSE, people. I will not be cut down to bite sized morsels and thwarted.

Even though you wish I would.

You know what would make Twitter better (apart from someone making it explode in a glorious, bloody mass of pulp and brains and letters and user names)? If you had to haiku everything you posted in a hilarious manner. I might even embrace that concept. I heart haikus. They are wonderful and make me happy in my pants. It could be called “Haikwitter” (no, it couldn’t) or “Twittu”.

Anyway, I have this pleasing image of everyone running around cyberspace today in a giant, panty-wadding panic, unsure of what to do with themselves, or where to find people to talk to. I imagine Facebook is contemplating alcoholism due to sending out five billionty of those fake beverages and poking the ass out of half the world, just to give people something inane to do with their typing fingers.

Ironically, I didn't even know Twitter had gone down (there were no Tweets all over the fucking place to tell me about it, after all!) until I read about it in the UK Sun, which is hilariously ironic in itself, since you're normally more likely to find a giant naked picture of some diseased strumpet's boobs in The Sun than you are details about some actual current event, so kudos to them I guess, for recognizing "news" when it reared up and bit them on the ass.

It’s all pretty funny.