Those guys hang around ME. For swearing tips!
I don’t actually swear that much in real life. I swear way more on this here blog, because it’s a shameless hussy that brings out the devil in me. But it’s not pretty to hear a lady say bad words and as I am a lady I am trying to cut down on it. I wouldn’t want those tasty, sexy little words to lose their emphasis because I over use them. If anything, I'm not decreasing swearing so much as increasing its effectiveness, no?
* I'm listening to Tony Orlando's "You're a Lady" for encouragement. It includes the classic, poetic line "You're a lady, I'm a man". Thanks Tony Orlando. Thanks for noticing. I secretly heart Tony Orlando, the smooth bastard. OOPS, sorry! That one slipped out (that's what SHE said!)
I’m not stopping altogether. For example, I’m not about to drop a sledge hammer on my big toe and scream, “GOSH THAT SURE HURT QUITE A BIT!” No, in severe cases like these I’m going to use every reserve swear word in the swear bank that I’ve been saving all month, even particularly foul ones I only utter on special occasions. I might even invent a few.
I thought about starting a swear box but I’d only use it to buy chocolate and Diet Pepsi – the DP cancels the chocolate, I read it somewhere – and besides I’d have to make a swear scale because not all swear words are equal. An irritated “shit” ought to cost less than a rousing “fuck” don’t you think? A “c*nt” is worth about five bucks. See, it’s so potent I didn’t even want to spell it out!
Maybe instead of a swear word I’ll make a bleeping sound like on network TV. Or carry a gong around with me and smash it whenever I want to yell the eff word. Who knows? The world is my flipping oyster.
Naturally, on days where I'm particularly disgruntled (like Sunday through Saturday) you might get a mercy "fuck" out of me, or even a "pigfucker!" if I'm really feeling evil. I wouldn't want to forget how to use them after all.
I know what you're thinking too, don't think I don't. You're thinking, "Maybe you should think less about cutting out the swearing, Veg and think more about cutting out the 'rambling like your life depends on it!' thing."
Well, screw YOU hippy.
In creative writing once, we were told to write an angry essay. 90% of my essay had the words fuck and shit in it. My professor wasn't too happy. But that's how I am when I'm angry.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on the "swear fund". It's for a noble cause.
Yes it is! I'm not sure what the cause is yet but I figure I may end up refined and craving lace or something.
ReplyDeletei commend you for your efforts! i know i'd never be able to give up my potty mouth. although, ask me in about a year when my kid is all 'eff this' and 'eff that'.
ReplyDeletesidenote, my mom once tried to stop cursing and her catchphrase was 'dildohead'. she called everyone and everything a dildohead. nice work mom.
I think that's what I need! A substitute word. Something really AWESOME. I need suggestions. Something UNIQUE... :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this. I think my fucking potty mouth is too damn ingrained to change at this motherfucking point.
ReplyDeletewell, a friend of mine uses mothergrabber instead of mothereffer. i think it works because it seems to flow nicely when you really want to yell :)
ReplyDelete"Viking" is quite handy. As in:
ReplyDelete"Shut up you Viking wanker."
this is so funny.. are you never not funny? I once wrote a post, but like most of my posts didn't publish it - it was about my favorite word in the english language - fuck. didn't publish it cuz I was sure it was going to scare away the very few readers that I do get to my blog.. But I don't think I could live without swearing.. and it is perfect to scare guys away too - I am all nicey dicey the first couple dates with guys and if I don't want them around I let the trucker in me come out and they run for cover..
ReplyDeleteOh man, I am THE WORST when it comes to this shit. (See?)
ReplyDeleteBut I have to say it doesn't make you less of a lady... it just makes you more of a bad-ass. Now I could have added a few good expletives to describe what kind of bad-ass but I shall cut back in deference to your efforts.
Have a great fucking day!
(Whoops.)
Mercy fuck? I soooo totally didn't giggle when I read those words.
ReplyDeletePeachy: I think it might be for me too. It's as natural as breathing. I'm so good at it.
ReplyDeleteLana: I'm not sure how I feel about grabbing mothers. I think I'd bust out laughing if someone yelled "MOTHERGRABBER!" Ha!
Mr. Street: VIKING! I like that! Although wouldn't "wanker" count as swearing? :) Maybe mildly. Maybe not at all. Hell if I know.
Rookie: It's a great word. It sort of loses its potency if you use it too much though and let's face it, we all use it too much. Still, sometimes it's the only word that will do.
Robin: My efforts are sure to dissipate into nothing as the day wears on. But we'll see! :)
Sid: I totally didn't giggle when I wrote them either. Haha.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be like Cate Blanchette in Life Aquiatic! That's always a good comparision to draw.
ReplyDeleteI like to use Aussie/English words because the Americans don't know what they mean. I can say bugger and wanker and bollocks all day long and they just hear "Wallaby, didgeridoo, budgie!"
ReplyDeleteAlthough that's kind of an idea, maybe I should just be like "Shove that up yer didgeridoo, ya kookaburra!"
I really enjoy what people say when they're trying not to swear - it gets so creative.
ReplyDeleteMOTHERGRABBER hahaha
I'm fascinated by what other cultures find sweary too.
I once briefly dated a somewhat devout South African who was so opposed to swearing that she said "cheese and rice!" instead of Jesus Christ.
ReplyDeleteImagine my total lack of surprise when she gave me the worst blow job ever.
I believe that, as a US citizen, you are allowed to say ‘sod (off)’, ‘sodding’, ‘bugger (me)’ and ‘buggery!’ without this counting as swearing.
ReplyDeleteI am not quite sure why the British use words denoting anal penetration when venting their feelings, but this is indeed the case.
Stop swearing? Fuck that.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't live without exclaiming a weekly 'trampwank!'
Personally, I like your swearing. I tried to cut out swearing but then i started saying poop more and that seemed like an oxy moron to me. So I am sailor-esk again. However, opposite of you, I swear much LESS in my blog and rather in real life my foul mouth usually gets me into trouble. oh well. *shrug*
ReplyDeleteRed: You know I saw that movie last year and I can't remember one single thing about it except it was WEIRD AS HELL...
ReplyDeleteSoda: Kookaburra is a great word! And it sounds like a good swear substitute too. The Kookaburra - the swear bird.
Lulu: Depends who's doing it. With me you might get "nonsensical" rather than creative.
Senor Street: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I think I just spat out some sandwich on myself. Thank YOU.
Simon: And wanker! Anyone on this side of the Atlantic thinks wanker is a tame little word like "Gosh" or "idiot". Which is wank.
Squirrel: Trampwank is probably not in the dictionary I'd think. Nor is it an Olympic sport. But made up swear words are more fun so well done.
Cass: Sometimes a big torrent of filth is very satisfying to spout verbally. Some instances nothing but potty-mouthed ability will get you through. I will still swear I'll just try to not swear so MUCH. We'll see how that goes I guess. POOP!
This is rapidly becoming my favorite blog. Lovely post.
ReplyDeleteThere was a time where is was quite acceptable to say the C word. Sure we are talking a few hundred years, but still. It never used to be that rude. In fact, may towns in England had a street named Gropec**t Lane, which is where the prostitutes did business. In Medieval times, and indeed subsequent times, streets were often named after the sort of businesses to be found in them. London had several Gropec**t Lanes. So there you have it. Historian nerd-fest over.
ReplyDeleteChris: Thank you. I'm not sure "lovely" quite covers THIS post however... :)
ReplyDeleteMaisie: I saw an article fairly recently on rude sounding place names and the vast majority were English streets or villages. I sort of like that! It should be encouraged. IT's funny, when you think about it, how we even turn words into BAD words. They're just words after all!
One of the only things I like about the Jimmy Kimmel show (or him for that matter) is his segment on 'Unnecessary Censoring'. Have you seen that? Hehe.
ReplyDeleteGood on you for trying to scale it down a bit.
You know what Veg? FUCK this noise. I don't like any kind of stifling. If you feel it, just let it roll off the tongue. It doesn't hurt anybody, fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
ReplyDeleteI have not seen that, but it sounds up my alley. Censorship is ludicrous the way it's done nowadays. I'm not saying I advocate just anything being allowed - no one wants snuff films and hardcore porn on TV or anything - but censoring someone saying "ass" is sort of extreme if you ask me. Everything's gone crazy. When's the last time you watched a TV show in the evening without a disclaimer before it about "viewer discretion"? That drives me nuts. Most shows with disclaimers are about as offensive in a vulgar sense as a nun.
ReplyDeleteThere you go H. you just let it out, girl! I don't mind swearing I have to say but when there is too much of it, it's just sounding wrong. I read something I'd written the other day and it was full of swearing and it just sounded bad. The occasional outburst when called for is fine but I'm just trying to not use it "unaffectively" if that's a word. Hell, it is now.
ReplyDeleteIf trampwanking was an Olympic sport, would Usain Bolt be fastest at that too?
ReplyDeleteWith a name like "Bolt" I'd think he'd be fastest at ANYTHING!
ReplyDeleteSon of a biscuit!
ReplyDeleteCheese & crackers!
Those are just two of my faves... ;-p
That's it. I'm officially adopting "Son of a biscuit" because that tickles my funny bone a lot. :)
ReplyDeleteI have definitely tried this on more than one occasion. I even attempted to give swearing up for lent. I failed... miserably.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, I am sure you caan do better!
Thanks! I'm not really expecting to have that much success, I'm a very spirited swearer after all. :)
ReplyDeleteAll words are created equally
ReplyDeleteexcept cunt and fag.
Sorry, I can't fucking support this damn thing you've fucking doing. Cussing is just the shit (in a good way, of course).
ReplyDeleteBut really, good luck with it.
Raine: I might even agree with that!!!
ReplyDeleteJules: Well aren't we quite the cussing bunch of fuckers? Oops. Broke my goddamn resolution already.
Swearing is like air to me. For example, trying to write this comment without doing it has been [swearing] difficult, and has almost resulted in suffocation. Maybe it's because I'm Australian and it's a [swearing] citizenship requirement or something? I just hope you won't cut down on the bad words over at The Central Digit. That would be an international tragedy of [swearing] epic proportions.
ReplyDeleteI think where the Central Digit's concerned it would be practically inhuman NOT to swear since that's the whole point of it - being annoyed. :) Maybe it'll get swearier! Who knows?
ReplyDeleteSo glad to have found your blog by way of Mr London Street. Blogging high jinks and a Smiths reference in your profile? I'm down.
ReplyDeletelol at simon saying "buggery", is that really a swear word?
ReplyDeleteI like how they say fags are cigarettes, I always chuckle at that one.
Veg I always believe that girls look more classy when they don't swear. I don't like swearing myself actually, but I do it somewhat often. I try not to though.
Hunter: Ha, well they have so many good lyrics to choose from don't they? :)
ReplyDeleteMr. C: I don't think anyone will debate the classy aspect that's for sure. Sometimes it's necessary though. And if men can do it so should we that's my opinion. I just aim to choose my moments more discriminately. We'll see how long that lasts.
I LOVE swearing. Lady Hem swears like a trooper. So much so that her dad (who used to be a truck driver and still works with truck drivers), thinks she swears a little too much.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite swear word is "ass".
ReplyDeleteIts part of the word "classy" anyways!
Australians can do swearing though. They have a panache for it. It almost sounds cheerful coming out of an Aussie's mouth. :)
ReplyDeleteThat's somewhat appropriate for you! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd graces assassin TWICE! Full of asses and sin!
ReplyDeleteDamn it. I completely forgot about that. Also somewhat appropriate, no?
ReplyDeleteTotally appropriate. Taper yourself off by eliminating the bad ones, Fk and Sh.
ReplyDeleteClark Gable said damn so that's ok.
Well if it's good enough for Clark Motherfucking Gable.
ReplyDeleteOops!
I tend to go towards more descriptive, polysyllabic concoctions, such as "rampant peckerheadery" and "dandy douchenozzle" myself.
ReplyDeleteYou know why that is Hippieboy? Because you're FANCY. :)
ReplyDeleteI like dirtyratfacedmotherfucker. I don't think it counts as swearing it you make it one really long word. It's more like a secret language then, right?
ReplyDeleteIf it wasn't for mercy fucks, I'd get no action at all.
ReplyDeleteOh. You mean the word.
Nevermind.
Yes ma'am. I think that's a sound philosophy! :)
ReplyDeleteWell Moooooog, so long as you get what you want it's all good, right?
ReplyDeleteMy friend Ivor once invented the swear word you'd want if marooned on a desert island with only one profanity:
ReplyDeleteIt is bloodyfuckingmonkeybollocks.
Try it some time. Remarkably therapeutic.
I like the network style beeping..or you can just say HI FRIENDS like I had to teach my 2 year old...to unteach him what Daddy taught him. :) I need to use the sailor words a touch less as well. F happens to come out a bit more often than necessary.
ReplyDeleteBut...swearing is cool. You don't want to be uncool, now, do you? Come on, just swear once. It won't hurt you. Just say fuck. It'll feel good, I promise.
ReplyDeleteMonsieur Street: No displeasure is really ever demonstrated without monkey bollocks in the picture somewhere, so I'm going to try it. Oh yes I'm going to try it.
ReplyDeleteJenny: Thing is, there're so many situations where they ARE necessary. It's beyond our control.
Becks: No ma'am, I want to be cool. But I promised the other nuns I wouldn't do it. Sorry. I'm just too good.
You're a stronger woman than me! Cursing is one of my favorite past-times. Right up there with boozing and taking candy from children.
ReplyDeleteI was actually planning to balance out the non-swearing by taking MORE candy from children. Seems only fair to me!
ReplyDelete"Well, screw YOU hippy."
ReplyDeleteStory of my life, man.
I tried to swear less, but some motherfucker nominated me for a "blogger who swears the most" award, and I had to step up my efforts in order to win. I'm competitive like that.
ReplyDeleteJill: Oh dear! :) :)
ReplyDeleteMiss B: At least you had a reason and incentive to swear though. That's what I need. Someone to sponsor me or something. That would make it ok.
please don't stop swearing. please. although i like the gong idea. i may use that for a day and see if it works for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're not completely swearing off swearing. You wouldn't be you!
ReplyDeleteI really like "pigfucker". Lots of hard sounds in that.
Noooo!! Never give up cursing. I mean come on, how else are you gonna tell people that they suck donkey balls without cursing?
ReplyDeleteYou should write and publish a swear scale, that would make great reading. How much would a "bloody hell Bauldrick" cost?
ReplyDeleteClaire. Let me know how that works out for you. You know, once they release you from the loony bin.
ReplyDeleteWords: Well I know. I'm realistic. One needs to swear sometimes. It's necessary and often funny. People who say it isn't are the same people who say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Sarcasm is hilarious. Idiots.
Miss Dramatic: No I am not giving it UP I'm just cutting down. Who'd give up swearing? A nun, that's who.
Mo: Hmmm I feel a bar graph coming on... Maybe. :) I think a 'bloody hell Bauldrick' probably comes in low on the scale. I'm not sure Blackadder ever uttered anything stronger than "bloody" however. A "FOR FUCK'S SAKE BAULDRICK!" would score a nice fat six out of ten.
oh my goodness. i just found your blog (through jill, i think. she always has the best blog friends) and this is the first one i've read. SO TRUE. i have triiiiied to stop swearing a million zillion times. and it never works. gah. keep us posted!
ReplyDeleteDo you really swear? I can't say I ever noticed. Have you ever called anyone "a pillock"? I've always thought it was quite an affectionate swear word.
ReplyDeleteBigskyg: Haha, well I'm not going to STOP I'm just going to swear more discriminately. That's the plan. We'll see if it works. Some days just demand a hearty EFF YOU SEE KAY. :)
ReplyDeleteGB: Pillock isn't really swearing though is it? It's more the word you'd use if you weren't a swearer. I think I should adopt it. That and wazzak. :)
I swear far too much, although never in front of my parents. Never even said 'oh god' in front of them. I'm such a wuss.
ReplyDeleteHaha I was the same way but now I'll release the odd four letter bomb in front of my mother if I'm relating some particularly annoying incident. She politely doesn't reprimand me.
ReplyDeletei don't really swear that much in real life. i do believe in saving the power. fuck is just so funny in print. and goddamn is a necessary part of life.
ReplyDeleteI agree 100% miss B. A good cutting down swear word is more effective than an every five seconds one. 'Goddamn' is a great word.
ReplyDeleteI think I have to follow this blog so that I can improve my vocabulary!
ReplyDeleteI think you might learn some naughty, fruity words though. When I fail with the swearing cutback.
ReplyDeleteI really, really need to watch the inappropriate comments that pop out of my mouth seemingly of their own volition. I have a 7 year old sister who has perfect hearing. For example, the other day at this family thing she heard me say "Marriage is pointless." She enjoyed very much sharing this opinion with her classmates. After overhearing another conversation of mine, she could also be heard asking my father, "What's a dime bag?"
ReplyDeleteBwahahahahahaha! Dude... :) That is priceless. It's just awesome to have to explain THAT one to your folks. There are no filters when you're seven. It's also the exact age you can learn to perfect blackmail techniques against your older siblings (you). Be careful!
ReplyDeleteI have a swear jar. 25 cents per swear. And because I'm a nanny and I have to be very, very, very respectable at all times (pfffft!) even shut up and stupid will cost you in my house. So, fuck yeah, I swear in my blog - it's pretty much the only place I can get away with it!
ReplyDeleteOh, and I swear in the car, but that's because people drive like motherfucking retards 24/7, so swearing is totally justified on the road. Amen.
If I had a swear jar for real I'd have retired by now. :)
ReplyDelete