* Wait a goddamn second…didn’t Mama Cass choke on a sandwich or something? Could Big Mama Cass be an imposter?!?!
Anyway, the meme is about ten honest things you might not know about me and since I’ve done this meme I think 500 other times before (ok maybe four times or something), I’m not at all sure there’s anything left you don’t know about me, making me feel quite fucking violated, thank you very much.
*On Fridays swearing is allowed. I make the rules.
So without further ado, scraping the bottom of the barrel for the last time - THE TEN.
1) My preferred manner for eating French Fries is with salt and vinegar sprinkled on liberally then dipped in mayonnaise. If you are offended by this you can just suck it up because I have awesome taste, motherfuckers.
2) My least favourite sound (apart from Bono in his private jet bleating about saving the environment – hypocrisy much, Bono?) is the noise the TV remote makes when it hits a hard-wood floor from a height. That noise makes me want to drill a hole in my own skull.
3) I have a big thing for retro wallpaper. The more screamingly offensive it is, the more I tend to like it. The brighter the colour and more geometric the pattern the more I want it. Basically if you could put the sixties and seventies together in a big, nasty, eyeball-boiling, melting pot of colour-clashing awesome and stir it with a magic spoon, the result would be my idea of a good time.
6) I do not own a cell phone. When I did have one all I did was send obnoxious texts because I’m too anti social to call anyone. Other things I don’t own: A Twitter account, a Facebook, a MySpace, a naked sculpture of Britney Spears pleasuring a donkey or an iota of common sense.
7) When Criss Angel claimed he could levitate us right through the TV the other night, I laughed my ass off, then I decided to try it. I even loudly offered to give Criss Angel a "stupendous BJ" if he succeeded because I knew he was full of shit. I mean I wouldn’t put YOUR mouth near that guy’s baby-stick. Naturally, (thankfully!) I didn’t levitate but I did call him a "repugnant elephant-fucker" just because I can.
9) I like to play pranks on people but they always go hideously wrong. For example, recently I pranked Soda & Candy and unintentionally freaked her out big time, then I pranked Some Guy Chris and almost gave him a heart attack. Sorry guys. Haha. Kind of.
10) I like the name “Vladimir”. If I ever get a male cat I’m calling him Vladimir, for sure. That’s a bad-ass name for one’s pussy.
Well, that was fairly lame. I was running out of things to tell you. I mean I’m fascinating and all but there’s a limit. Pfft.
I’m now tagging ALL OF YOU to do this. You know, if you want…
For some previous things you didn’t know about me see here and here. There are others but I can’t be bothered looking for them, so try not to cry, I know it’s disappointing.
Have a sexy weekend!
1. If perchance we have fries together some distant day, the vinegar is all yours, baby. Blargh.
ReplyDelete2. Ay-yi-yi! With you there.
3. The wallpaper at a place we ate the other day reminded me of you. I'd post a link to a pic but apparently keyboard shortcuts don't work in this poxy box?
4. Fondue is overrated. I don't want Bret Michaels either; is that picture of him? 'king 'ell!
5. Kiwi shoe polish is love. Reminds me of my daddy. When I called him daddy. When I was little, and he polished his shoes every day at the breakfast table. Love, I swear.
10. Best use of 'Vladimir' ever? Baseball player Vladimir Guerrero.
Dude, the shoe polish love is very endearing. I think it's the method I will choose my friends in the future. :) I'm happy we agree on the remote thing. Isn't that THE most annoying noise ever? It actually makes me ANGRY. I've always laughed at Vladimir Guerrero's name. It's just classic.
ReplyDeletethat would be a badass black cat name. bad. ass. in conclusion, i want to be pranked. i'll act surprised. i promise.
ReplyDeleteHaha, well I might wait till one day when you're not expecting it. And catch you unawares. Yes, I might. And you're right it's a black cat name if I ever heard one.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say that I'm taking your list and putting my name to it, coz I could never come up with as cool a list as this and I don't want to appear a bigger douche than I actually am.
ReplyDeleteI saw the picture of Brett Micheals and I was going to cancel my "follow" if he was a like...
ReplyDeleteI do my 10..when I get around to it..
xx
And a repugnant elephant fucker Criss Angel most certainly is!! :D
ReplyDeleteVladimir really is a badass name... I too engage in the activity of obnoxious texts btw :D
Your posts crack me up. And, considering, I'm already pretty cracked up (just ask my kids, husband, parents, or strangers on the street who've happened to accidentally glance in my direction) that's really saying something.
ReplyDeleteBig Mama Cass? Does that mean she's bigger than the original? Is there any way of posting the smell of that shoe polish, I feel like sniffing something nice.
ReplyDeleteI love fondue! Creamy gooey chocolate with pieces of pineapple, banana, angel food cake, and strawberries for dunking.
ReplyDeleteI love Vladdie! He will swing at anything--and if he makes contact...it could be out of the park!
At my age, I'm not sure I can still count to ten, or remember that many things to share, so I'm passing on that assignment!
Happy Friday!
You are just so delightfully entertaining.
ReplyDeleteI have hardwood floors as well and I lose 10 years off my life every time one of the kids drops the frikkin' cutlery or something on it. Grrr!
Oh, I've missed you. You weren't on my google reader till yesterday and it was like finding an old pal! :)
Oh! I hate the sound thats made when you lick the wooden icelolly stick *shudder*
ReplyDeleteMy sister had a baby last year and I did my best to advocate 'Vladamir' as a suitable name. She was having none of it however. But seriously, 'Vladamir McCarthy' - could you get any better than that??!
I bet if you came to my classroom, this one kid's voice being repeated over and over and over would be your new worst favorite sound ever!
ReplyDeleteAnd I've never heard of Kiwi shoe polish but you bet your ass I'm going to go buy some today to use on Hubby tonight! Sex night here I come! (hee hee)!
Tennyson: But it's a LAME list! I am all out of things to tell anyone. Soon I'll be making stuff up. :)
ReplyDeleteVodka: Aargh. Don't even joke about it. He's a scary, scary man.
Juan: It really is. I'm thinking of adopting it for a middle name, it's so badass.
Deb: You don't have to convince me you're a nut.:) I mean anyone who blogs is sort of nutty really. Some more than others. It has to be said.
GB: Well I don't think MY Big Mama Cass is anywhere near as large as THE Mama Cass but she sure sounds badass, no?
Eva: I've actually had CHOCOLATE fondue once. YUM. I haven't had the savoury kind though. Cheese and all that business. Which is odd what with me being a cheesehead and all. And Vladdie (I love that) is a big boy.
Mel: Stupid wood floors. They look fabulous and sound nasty. Welcome back.
Judearoo: OK now I have to go test out that sound. And Vladimir McCarthy is a KICKASS name. You can't not win at life with that name. Too bad they passed.
Jules: Haha, you might have a point, yes. As for the Kiwi polish, I thought it was the common polish you find everywhere. It's global! I'm not sure it would be everyone's sexy cup of tea but I like it a LOT. I have a tin right here. I might have a snort.
I too love the smell of Kiwi polish. Not sure why but it just smells yummy to me
ReplyDeletecheesy gooey fondue with crusty bread is yummy to me too
not together though
'Bono in his private jet bleating about saving the environment' Hahaaa! Yes!
ReplyDeleteSome of those people who 'live in tin shanties with the bullets of revolution raining down on their heads' sometimes go outside and burn tires and trash. I wonder if he'd cut them some slack?
I will henceforth refer to you as Vegetable Assassin 149.
I'm still recovering from that prank. I have recurring nightmares about "commie cocks" surrounding me and doing bad, bad things to me.
ReplyDeleteI've never had a cell phone and yet I am still able to function in society. If they made a movie about me, I could be an inspiration to millions!
common sense is so overrated and curses warm my heart :)
ReplyDeleteMy penis is named Vladimir.
ReplyDeleteVlad the Impaler.
Thank you. I'm here all week.
What's the point of the french fry if it's dipped in vinegar and then dunked with mayo? Do you even taste it?
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you use celery instead of the fry - at least it's healthier...
Great cat's name.
Ok 1) I love the F out of mayo on fries. 2) Cris Angel makes me want to kill myself or him. One of us has to go. 3) I didn't realize how awful the remote noise is until I knocked one onto my mom's hardwood floors the other day. UGH.
ReplyDeleteI just named my vag Vladimir, in honor of you.
ReplyDeleteThis got weird.
I may be able to lay my hands on a naked sculpture of Britney Spears pleasuring a donkey for you – for my usual commission.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think you and I need to hang out and watch some TV together. We'd get along famously... :)
ReplyDeletePS- I can not STAND Bono either. Listening to him pontificate makes me want to gouge out HIS ears with hot pokers. (Why should I have to be the deaf one for the rest of my life?)
Since it's Friday and swearing is allowed, I fucking heart you, lady!!!
ReplyDeleteHow could I not when you hate Criss Angel, who is the biggest tool ever.
; )
PS - Even if you did give me seven kinds of heart attack with your prankiness, it all dissolved as soon as I knew it was you!
Mmmmm. Those french fries sound delicious.
ReplyDeletePeachy: Agreed on both counts. And certainly on the third. EW! Although maybe that's some as yet undiscovered culinary treat? ....No.
ReplyDeleteEric: Yes, please do. Caress my giant intelligence gently now.
SG: I can understand how the commie cock might traumatize your dreams. Especially one that big! :) Because it was enormous you know?
And THANK GOD someone else doesn't live by their phone.
Lana: You have simple pleasures, I like that!
Moooooog: I guess someone had to go there. You and LiLu should talk. :)
Little Miss B: Well the difference right, is CELERY SUCKS! And French fries need seasoning. Like mayo and vinegar. Otherwise it's just a potato. That's my view. It makes sense (to me!).
JAG: YES TO THE MAYO! And the Criss Angel thing. Plus he talks funny. Sounds like a 75 year old little Jewish New York man stuck in a skank's body.
Li: Hahaha. Oddly I am not all that surprised by this...
Simon: I think no house is finished till it has Britney and the Donkey. I might make a feature out of it. Hallway I'm thinking.
Robin: I'm really happy South Park did the giant crap episode because now every time I see Bono I think of that and smirk to myself. And wonder how many Courics he is this week. And if you've never seen it, you won't know WHAT I'm talking about.
Soda: Hahaha! Come on you just thought the Koreans had you on their radar. You were framing that photo too.
Red: Honestly, try it. You will thank me profusely. Then put on 2lbs. :)
I get it - you don't want to know about fondue. But I can't stop myself. It's too good to not fill you in on. Just maybe start with a chocolate fondue and work your way up to cheese... but do NOT work your way up to Brett Michaels.
ReplyDeleteI see you on the comment forms of many of the other bloggers I follow. We must both have good taste!
Oh no, I'd love to try fondue. I've done chocolate fondue but when I think fondue I think "cheese" and that fondue I have not done.
ReplyDeleteBut I think you might be right about the taste. I have extraordinary taste. :) Haha.
Woooooaahhhh, there!
ReplyDeleteSalt first, or vinegar first? (The answer could be significant, though we can agree on mayonnaise for sure)
I have a cell phone (just a normal one, not one that launches rockets or gets the internet) and I swear all I do is text on it. I'm a text freak, but I'm too antisocial to talk on the phone. So I feel you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you are abusing french fries and Bono.
Squirrel: I'd have to go with salt first then vinegar, am I evil???
ReplyDeleteWords: Dude no. Try the fries. You'll thank me. I don't know why people need phones that surf the web and so on - who really NEEDS that? I bet you can't even buy a cellphone now that is just a phone. Unless it's from 1999 or something.
PS Bono deserves it.
Dude, Vladmir is an awesome name. I'm totally going to name my love child with Bret Vladmir.
ReplyDeleteWait, are there days when swearing ISN'T allowed? I'm violating the rules!
ReplyDeleteI like the way you just calmly reveal your IQ score rather than opting for the odious 'I was invited to join Mensa'.
ReplyDeleteYou are proper modest class VA, keep up the good work.
Yes. Deeply evil.
ReplyDeleteThe vinegar washes away the salt, obviously. Tsk.
Jill: Don't you even be joking about Bret. Keep that man well away from your lady parts or they'll shrivel up and die.
ReplyDeleteWendy: Only if you're me. And even then I'm kidding. :) You just swear away.
MLS: Haha, those things are such crap. They don't really show intelligence AT ALL. All you need is to be good at deciphering things and remember Pythagoras theory. And good guesswork. I was always good at IQ tests. It's just the type of questions they ask. I have a friend FAR more smart than I am who scored about 116 which is clearly ludicrous. I am AWESOME but not a genius.
Squirrel: Salt's bad for you, suck it up. :)
....I don't mean suck up the salt.
ReplyDeleteI'm off to smell the shoe polish too cause I'm in the mood to do badthings!!
ReplyDeleteDo it! The world is just so much nicer after a snort of Kiwi. (Just don't go sniffing a New Zealander, they don't appreciate it)
ReplyDeleteFucking Bono. I will have no respect for him until one of this teeth falls out, and he replaces it with a gold one.
ReplyDeleteI was watching Criss Angel the other night and he got buried in the snow. They always make it seem like something awful is happening and they're not going to be able to save him, but unfortunately they always do. And he always has some new skanky girlfriend by his side, pretending to care if he lives or dies.
You're muy cool. :) And AGREED! Bono, Brett Michaels and Chris Angel can totally suck it. And I have a big crush on retro wall paper too. It's super sexy.
ReplyDeleteWe were meant for each other except you have to get an iPhone, they're from baby Jesus.
ReplyDeleteBecks: I noticed that the odd few shows I've seen. "OH NO, HE'S IN REAL DANGER, WILL HE LIVE OR DIE?" Bullshit teases. He will live to be 100 and we'll hear about every minute of it.
ReplyDeleteHHH: Yay, I'm glad you agree because it is just STYLING and tasteful. Like us. No?
Dale: Well I have an iPod Touch which is the same thing without the phone. So I kind of get it. I'm addicted to the Flight Control App. Addicted.
You know what sound I can NOT stand? Someone cutting or biting a raw apple. Egad!! I don't know what it is, but the sound just makes me want to punch people and run away screaming. *shudder*
ReplyDeleteKiwi shoe polish? I'm going to look for that!
ReplyDeleteI am now rummaging through our cupboards trying to find Kiwi shoe polish. I feel strangely like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. This can only be a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteWhat if bret michaels used kiwi polish for his eyeliner? And criss angel!?
ReplyDeleteIn an ideal world I would be granted the opportunity to squirt Bono with Mayonnaise. I'm assuming your French Fries were cooked in an environmentally-friendly oil, or where they provided by Bono's in-flight cafe?
ReplyDeleteha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha -- that is all.
ReplyDeleteCora: You hate the apple biting sound? It IS sort of grinding I suppose now you mention it. Crispy things.
ReplyDeleteS3Xinthepantry: Sorry, your name is cracking me up, perv. You get that show polish and go nuts. :)
Madame: Yikes! I just love the Kiwi. You'll probably go "Oh. That's it?" I love the smell in gas stations too. Gasoline. Petroleum. YUM.
Mr. C: What a horrible though. I'd be all "You are repugnant yet smell appetizing. FALSE ADVERTSING!"
Mo: There's something quite perverted sounding about squirting Bono with mayonnaise. Unless it has sulphuric acid in it, then I'm all for it. I think Bono's fries would be served raw. I mean there's just no environmentally friendly method of frying really.
Brutalism: It's a little early for the brandy, no? :)
The whole MENSA thing cracked me up. Probably because I completely agree. And I've actually locked my keys in the car while it was running in the grocery store parking lot. Yeah, you can imagine the look on the police officer's face when he came to help me out of it. He was completely Judgy McJudgerson at first and then he asked me out. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteLola: Haha yeah it was at the supermarket I did it. It wasn't running but I'd left the keys in the ignition and tab locked the stupid door. I had to walk home and get the spares. Then I remembered my apartment key was on there too. JOY! :)
ReplyDeleteDid you go on the date?!?!
Sorry I am late but that fuckin rocked!! :)
ReplyDeleteWhy thank you! I hope you're feeling ok???
ReplyDelete55 freakin' comments. How'd you get so popular while I was away? I got nauseous scrolling down all those wicked thoughts.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I gagged at the mayo on french fries and then kinda spaced out.
PY: I paid people. And half of the comments are mine. Hi! :)
ReplyDeleteI also got waylaid by the fries and salt and...wait, was there anything after that? I think I like you....
ReplyDeleteBraja: Well that would get me too. The mayo is key though. It's just the salve those salty fries need. Trust me!
ReplyDeleteFries with malt vinegar is tasty!
ReplyDeleteDamn right it is C. It's the only way. Vinegar makes everything alright.
ReplyDeleteWell except open wounds maybe. Ouch.
I didn't although he was cute. But the whole condescending-you-are-an-idiot-because-you-locked-your-keys-in-your-car-while-it-was-running-and-btw-will-you-go-out-with-me thing kinda was a turn off.
ReplyDelete