Here's the What What

So. People have nudged me about my total ineptness at updating this thing and they are correct. It's just, I don't have a life really, lately, to write about. It's all masks and pandemics and making sure there's enough toilet paper and drug regimes that would fall an experienced junkie, to control my forever ongoing bacterial infection flare ups, and oh...we moved house, there's that.

Yes, my gentleman and I, thought it would be prudent to move to the country, during a pandemic, where we now feed racoons, watch elk desecrate our yard and spend our evenings in a mothereffing HOT TUB. Yes. I cannot apologize enough for my lack of rebelliousness, but it's freaking awesome not having the huge rent payments we had in Victoria, and you know, no neighbours serenading us early morning till late at night with melodic power tools and yelling obnoxiously at their kid. 

And the racoons are cute! And we can see a lake from our living room. And there are trees everywhere. And we have a fireplace! And I hang out with hummingbirds. Yeah!

Turns out though, when you move you need stuff, and said stuff can be ordered easily online, whether it be small or large, but here's the kicker. Our drive way is long and the approximate gradient of the north face of Mount Everest, and no delivery guy from UPS to Canada Post, will venture up it in a vehicle. I mean my 1999 Chevy can manage it just fine (slowly!) as can our Toyota but you know, trucks and vans just cry when they see it. It delights me to see the little UPS guy walk up that cliff face carrying a flat packed piece of furniture I'm not even strong enough to drag two feet into the house. I think that guy will require a holiday tip.

I'm expecting FedEx to turn up today with a bed for our guest room and well, I can already imagine those shenanigans. Not going to happen.

Anyway, it's Thanksgiving in a couple of weeks and I don't care because TG is all about tasty food and hanging with the relatives, the second thing I am looking forward to but the first is pointless as I have no sense of taste or smell currently (no, it's not Covid!) and everything tastes bitter and shitty so I only eat when I absolutely have to so I don't pass out like I did in July (whole other story) or get too weak to climb the stairs, but it also means I'm five foot six and 115lbs and my legs look like beanstalks and none of my clothes fit anymore because they look like circus tents, even my favourite winter coat. 

Been drinking a lot of milk to get some calories in me as milk seems to be the only enjoyable thing I eat. I mean, I had some cake last week and it tasted like crap and I had to give it away. WHO AM I? I miss cake and wine and cooking nice things. What's the point when you can't taste it? Woe is me. Why do I hate food now? Can I have the old me back now please? I do still enjoy an occasional beer however.

There is only one acceptable Corona

Other than that things are fine. Playing my uke, sitting in my office procrastinating, trying to get stuff done, napping. It's all good.

Stay well my fine, Internet friends.

Quarantine PSA

Person: I just painted my living room and built a tree house in my yard. Then I cooked a brand new recipe I found online and now I'm learning to sculpt clay and taking online math classes!

Me: I got half dressed (top half only, pj pants down below) and watched a baby crab eat a strawberry on Reddit.

Yup. If you got up, got dressed, hit the shower, and managed to eat something today, you're doing just fine, buddy. As you were.

Pandem-onium

Here we are in a new type of pandemic situation, which is simultaneously fascinating and a little worrisome.

Me, I've practised social distancing for years, so I'm ready, goddamn it. I even have enough toilet paper and pasta to see me out of an apocalypse and that was before we all started hoarding stuff like the world was ending.

I also still have a somewhat restricted lung capacity from the stupid infection I've had for months, so don't want to risk a flu of any description or I might actually implode, so staying home is just fine by me, bar the occasional walk by the ocean where there are no people.

It's weird to see people over-react or under-react to the situation. Over-reacting I kind of get. Best be prepared I guess. Under-reacting though is just stupid. It doesn't matter if you're at low risk, because here's the thing some people seem to be struggling with: It's not about you. It's about not spreading those germs to someone who MIGHT be high risk. It's about slowing down spread of a disease which could overwhelm the health services and make treatment difficult if everyone got sick at once. So stay home, where you can, people, and just chill. Drink coffee, have naps, fix stuff you've been putting off forever, drink wine, whatever you like, do it. It's a gift of time.

Unless you're a serial killer then you know. Fucking stop that.

Me, I work from home anyway and I'm only out among people when I'm mailing orders or buying groceries, which, judging by the equivalent gross national product of canned goods we purchased this week, should prevent me having to go to the supermarket for about a decade. I hate buying groceries so this is perfect.

There also should be a lack of tourists in my town this spring which is about as fantastic as things could get, to be honest. No cruise ships, limited ferries and flights. Perfect. I have nothing against tourists per se, but living in a small town that gets millions of them every summer, it's like a holiday having restrictions in place. Seriously. I love it. Who knew there was an upside to a pandemic?

Stay safe my peeps, and enjoy these fantastic (!?) Crayola crayon scribbles I did a while ago in my little moleskin book of robots and monsters. Because I am five.

You're welcome!

Chinny monster

Starry night bots

Someone's at the window

 Wonky eyed demon

 It's under your bed

Creepy little fucker

It's an Update of Sorts

February, 2020

I've been sick lately. I never get sick, so this was an unwelcome and puzzling turn of events, I didn't quite have the coping mechanism for.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't at death's door or anything, although it felt like it at times, but I had the distinct, unpleasant sensation that my innards were all about to implode into a gaseous, gelatinous soup at any moment, which isn't ideal.

This continued for about four months in various forms and I swallowed an approximate grain silo worth of medications during that time, underwent a barrage of medical tests, with varying degrees of success, lost my appetite completely (terrible), causing me to also lose 13 lbs (not terrible!) despite the gigantic amount of fruit juice and occasional soup I was consuming since it was the only foodstuff I could deal with.

I didn't leave the house for three months at one point. Yeah.

I did take up drawing with crayons during this bout of madness. Who knew Crayola would be a serious art tool of anyone over four years old? Not me. I had a great time though, and completed an entire Moleskin notebook of crayon monsters and robots. Seriously! I also bought a new tenor ukulele and played it till my fingers hurt. Anything that involved not getting off the couch was fair game because I couldn't get off the damn couch without a major effort.

It was a bacterial infection of the gut and it was a bastard. I now have a huge appreciation for people who have digestive issues and the like, because I never had any before, and now, while I'm still recovering from this stupid thing, I'm never again going to take for granted being able to do simple things like turn over in bed, and bend down to tie my shoe because for a while there I couldn't move.

The downside? I now appear to have some sort of coffee allergy or intolerance, as every time I drink it my throat swells up a bit and I feel sick. This is beyond inconvenient! So for a while I'm going to be caffeine free. I know! This can't bode well for the world, right? Coffee is basically the reason I'm not a raging serial killer.

Hope you guys are all well? If you're still out there.

This was for you, Bill.

Use Your Words, People

April, 2019

I'm officially old as sin. I can't keep up with the kids anymore, what with their horrid club fashions, over the top crazy make up that would make Pennywise blush, and the thing that pisses me off above all else - long sentences full of emojis.

I hate emojis. I don't care who knows it. There's nothing worse than someone sending you a row of exuberant little yellow fuckers instead of actual words, because I have no idea what you're trying to say, and will reset my brain to the default setting of just thinking you're mentally retarded. 

It's even worse than back in the early thousands where texting was in its infancy, and assholes started to shorten and abbreviate words, making me hate humanity. I H8 U EMOJIS.

This is my rule; you can use the happy emoji or the sad emoji, and maybe a little mischievous guy who knows some shit, when you're being fruity, but that's where I draw the line. Once it evolves beyond the obvious, into weird images where I have to sit there baffled for ten hours trying to find some hidden, clever meaning behind it all, know that I have no freaking idea what you're trying to say and I will imbibe some strong liquor and try to quosh the overwhelming urge to track you down and bludgeon you with a large dictionary, till you make sense. 

It's like bumping your head then suddenly realizing you're illiterate, which, I'm pretty sure most people already think I am. 

Can you imagine we used this nonsense in real life? If you walk into your doctor's office with an ailment, and he asks what's up, and you respond with a poop emoji and a string of random images, I hope he gets out that mallet thing they used to test your reflexes in 1905, and bashes you over the head with it till you repent.

I may be grouchy today, it's hard to tell. Please leave me some lovely, no doubt emoji filled comments, so I can think bad, bad thoughts about you.

Well, This Was Pointless But Really What Isn't?

September 2018

Seems like the second the clock ticked over from August to September, the leaves here started to turn orange and the temperature dropped five degrees. And we got the first rain in three months. Crazeh mother nature, crazeh!

Everyone likes the fall though, am I right? I am right. It's the best of all the seasons, really, no matter how much you try to tell yourself it should be summer. It's not as touristy and full on as summer, and not as brutal an asshole as winter. I mean you can rock the sandals and still throw on a cosy sweater in the evening. It's the best of both worlds. It also makes me want to start cooking shepherd's pies, and cobblers, and weird, creamy soups featuring butternut squash and all the Indian spices there are, because autumn means comfort and nourishment and horror movies - which don't seem to fit with either of those things but oh well.

It also means time to hit up Bath & Body Works for candles that make everything stink up the place real nice. I get it, candles are a lady thing you gentlemen will never get, but man, who doesn't like to spend $12.50 on some smelly ambience that lasts a good week or more?

Most of all, Fall to me is the time I head to Walmart and buy slippers. I get a new pair every year and love them, even though within a month they've flattened out and make me walk funny, and have no spring to them, and I hate them. I know I should just fork out some real moolah and get a good, strong, expensive pair, lovingly sewn by Inuit craftsmen in Nunuvut out of like...bears, that I can wear forever, but I never do. Partly because I don't buy shit made from bears and partly because meh, I just like to get sucked in annually by the fuzzy, pink or leopard print, polyester, crappy Walmart ones that look like a big, fluffy hug, even though IT IS ALL A LIE.

In other news, I'm getting a haircut this week, anyone care to guess what kind of disaster that will be?

Lots of Random Brain Farts

August 30th, 2018

Today I got a passive aggressive email from the Google informing me my subscription to comment notifications had expired, posing two questions; 1) there's a subscription for that? and 2) I subscribed to it? Anyway, investigation showed that I had in fact received numerous comments from you lovely people, not been notified about any of them, and they were partying it up in my moderation folder, totally oblivious. Situation has now been rectified, thank you and sorry and all that...

Summer's cooling down here now, so you can wear a sweatshirt again without expiring and it feels like Fall is in the air, which means two things to me; Halloween and horror movies. And having to wear shoes again. Okay, three things.

This summer has been fairly uneventful, except for visiting the Oregon Coast, where I ate local creamery cheese stuffed with cranberries (nom!) and drank Mead (because that's a genuine thing that exists in 2018 and not just in King Arthur's court back in the day).

Yeah we drank it out of huge tumblers because we were in a hotel and that's all there was, don't you judge. Also, bonus: IT WAS GOOD.

You have no idea how much sand I found in the cuff of my jeans...

What else did this summer bring? Oh yes, I bruised my leg so badly one day on the rough corner of my bed, that I let out a shriek that could probably be heard in Seattle. Like, you know those weird, loud, atmospheric noises that have scientists around the world baffled? They're probably some other clumsy asshole hitting their leg on a sharp bed corner. But yay, a summer without an injury? Like that could be a thing.

Other than that it's the same old, same old. But I have leftovers from a delicious butternut squash veggie garlic noodle thing I made for dinner last night, so all is right with the world, currently.

Till the next cruise ship arrives anyway.

Oregon - The Coastal state that isn't Washington or California

August 2018

A few weeks ago, on a giant whim of inspiration and spontaneity, we took a trip to the Oregon Coast. I've passed through Oregon numerous times on the way to other, more vacationy states, or on the way back to Washington, however, I had never actually made it all the way across to the coast. Generally, when in Oregon, I'm swearing at drivers on the I5 around Portland where they seem to like to host a special traffic jam whenever I'm anywhere near.

Unsurprisingly, the coast was beautiful. And windy. But mostly beautiful. Morning fog rolling in over the ocean, like something out of a Stephen King novel, gorgeous vistas and rocky, ocean landscapes laid out before you like...well...ocean landscapes, basically. So pretty.

Wanna see a few pictures? Tough titty, mister or missus, I'm doing it. These aren't in any order of any sort (hello, this is me!) just some of my faves. Just a tiny, poignant selection for your perusal.

Our first stop was in Bandon, Oregon, south of Coos Bay, where we marvelled at the stunning views and took a drive down the Gold Coast towards California. I might be wrong here, however, I think the Oregon portion of the Pacific Coast Highway, might be even more stunning than the Californian part. High lookouts, rocky shorelines, beautiful beaches.

See?

Bandon Beach

Not too shabby, eh? Seemed like everywhere you went in Bandon you got a view like this.

We also saw the wonderfully named Cape Foulweather and Cape Perpetua. I think this photo is of the latter, but don't quote me on it.

Some horses on the beach in Seaside, OR

So many secluded coves

Haystack Rock in Cannon Beach for Goonies fans

Naturally, this is a tiny selection of the pretty, but I'm losing the will to live and the other million photos are similar oceany shots. I mean I don't want to bore people to death. Not today.

A real blog entry is coming later. This one's been in my drafts for three weeks. C'est la vie!

Is Life Treating YOU right?

May 2018

The other day, while sitting at my desk doing worky things, my little Google Home smartpod, with no prompting whatsoever, yells, "SOUNDS LIKE LIFE IS TREATING YOU RIGHT!" making me jump like a lunatic.

I don't know what information it collated to come to that startling conclusion, and it wasn't inaccurate, just somewhat random. Also it scared the living crap out of me and I'm still laughing about it today. Calm down, guy! His exuberance was terrifying.

Other than this, things have been uneventful. Not to say it's been dismal or anything, just nothing weird or noteworthy has occurred lately. Summer is here pretty much, and the sun is shining and I can wear sandals and t-shirts again all the time which I approve of.

Hope you're all keeping on keeping on?

When Your Loaf Revolts

April 10th, 2018

Some days your creative juices just won't squeeze. Usually, it's not an issue, but when you're working in a creative field this can be problematic, so you spend your time jogging your available resources for inspiration, anything to jump start that spark. Surfing through Pinterest, Deviant Art, Etsy...just one thing to make you exclaim, "Oh I know what I'll do!"

Sometimes it pans out. Yesterday it didn't. I couldn't come up with a viable idea to save my life, my brain whirred and stirred like maybe it was cooking up some fragment of an idea, before sputtering out into nothing like a battery on the blink.

I've learned, through experience, you can't force these things, so instead of sitting frustrated at my lack of vision, I did some admin stuff I'd been putting off, then I climbed out of my attic office mid-afternoon, headed to the kitchen, and baked me a big cashew and lentil loaf.

I love my nut loaves. I know they have this image of being hippy veggie food and people enjoy scoffing at them as the food of weak little vegetarians who could use a big, fucking steak, but usually those are people who've never tasted a good one, because they are truly one of the tastiest things ever.

I will procrastinate making one for weeks - this one was no exception - because they're time consuming and have so many stages, but the final result is exceptional. You can either slice them up and serve with multiple veggies or salad or potatoes (I usually make one for Thanksgiving and Christmas for myself and they go great with cranberry sauce) or you can do what I'm doing this time, and slice it thinner and use cold, as a filling for sandwiches. They make the best sandwiches.

So it ended up being a somewhat productive day after all, in that it fed my belly with something nutritious and super tasty, and today? Well I might get something creative done after all.

Bottoms up!

Sunday, April 1st, 2018

Happy Easter Fools day, people!

As I'm a fool and I enjoy chocolate, this is the day made for me. Not being a religious type, Easter in my mind is synonymous with eggs. Of the chocolate variety. I have nothing else to say about it, it is what it is. If there's a tradition involving chocolate, I'm down for it.

It's spring here, and the cherry blossoms are in full bloom which is nice, because my town is full of them and it's like driving through corridors of pink and white. And today it's really windy, so it looks like it's raining pink and sunny at the same time. Excellent. It's like a salve for the senses, or something else poetic like that.

This was just a brief check in, I'll leave you with a photo from last night of a soothing ocean partial sunset. I love the clouds reflected in the shallow pools.

Toodaloo!

SoCal Loco

MARCH 20, 2018

A couple of weeks ago, on a last minute "do or die" type of decision, we decided to take a trip to California to visit some lovely people we know. After an exhaustive 21 hour drive, over a couple of days, we arrived in lovely, sunny Palm Springs, where the roads are calm, the trees are palm, and the air is balm(y). It's not really, it's quite dry being the desert and all.

But you try rhyming three 'alms' buddy.

It was a wonderful few days of enjoying some sunshine, seeing some desert crazy, and having leisurely coffee sessions that lasted all morning, while the palm trees waved most soothingly in the breeze and I got to let my pale, pasty white feet out for the first time this year.

What did you see, Veg? you probably didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you regardless. In photos. Because this is me and that's the way the Veg do.

Ready? Sorry if you saw these on Instagram already.

One of the things I did was a day trip to Joshua Tree National park, that I loved last time I was in the area and was dying to see some more little spiky not-quite-cacti-not-quite-trees again, Mojave style. It's impossible to take a hideous photo at Joshua Tree I think. I dare you to try.

See? Impossible.

I could go on but I won't bore you

Just kidding. 

Would it be me without a road pic? It would not.

Anyway, I amused myself wandering around trails like the one above, happily enjoying just being in the desert again. Does wonders for the mind. And my mind needs wonders.

OMG how did I take this picture!

As well as Joshua Tree, I spent a day out at the Salton Sea. People told me to expect it to smell nasty, but it wasn't that bad. I mean it had a whiff about it, but I think I was lucky with the wind that day... 

It was pretty, look!

The highlight of my trip though, was Salvation Mountain. Some hippy gentleman, who really loves Jesus, made Salvation Mountain out of desert and paint and adobe and turned it into a big old colour assault on the senses. I loved it! I mean I'm the least religious person on Earth probably, if there was a scale for these things, but it was just so cool to see. Like living inside the Beatles "Yellow Submarine" only....you know...with Jesus. 

Look!

Let me get closer!

This place was MENTAL. In a good way. Mostly.

Really? NEVER? Need I mention Donald Trump?

Old trucks all painted up with religious stuff

No idea what "epent" is either. :)

That truck looks like it might have been around the same time Jesus was.

So much colour. And stuff. Awesome.

It took him years to build

Follow the yellow brick road

He incorporated branches, mud, straw, and paint

And glass panels

Love is all you need

People donate paint to the project for touch ups. They made features out of the cans

Crazy huh?

If you're ever out in that area, go see it, it's amazing. Near Mecca, 30 miles or so north of Calexico. 

You DON'T have a boot tree? You DON'T eat souls?

Anyhoo...

What else did I do? Oh yes, I saw some dude's home where he has made a giant display of WTF in his yard. It's called Robolights and looks fantastic although it was closed the day I went so I just wandered around the block taking pics over his fence. Heh. Look!

Oh hai! Just a guy with a girlgun for an arm. (c)dogimo

This guy (or 'guys' as I think maybe a bunch of artists contribute to it) makes things out of junk. Giant robots in particular. Those were my favourite! Look at them!

This guy was my favourite. Look at his feet!

Wow this is getting long. Suffice to say, I did a lot of stuff, and lazed around a lot drinking coffee and coke and having a generally great time. I won't bore you further with those pics! Because you know I took thousands.

I'll end with a nice view of Mount Shasta in Northern Cali, in the side view mirror as is traditional on road trips. The mirror shot I mean not Mount Shasta, I mean it can't be everywhere.

We also passed through the self professed State of Jefferson which...if you don't know about it, google it because I'm too lazy to tell you about it. I took a pic.

At 70mph on the Interstate. 

There's more to the "state" than a barn, I believe.

And that's about it! I've run out of steam. I'll end with this pretty pic of a rainbow seen on the way out of Palm Springs, early morning.

You're welcome!

Feeling the Pressure

February 14, 2018

This morning, in an uncharacteristic fit of wanting to accomplish things, I started my day at the local gas station, trying to inflate my tires (or "tyres" if you're British), which is just everyone's favourite task ever, am I right? (snort) My tires were looking sad AF and I'd been procrastinating doing it for ages, because oh my god, so boring.

I realized I hadn't put air in the things since 2015. Did I hear a collective gasp of horror? Last time I inflated the tires I proceeded to drive 2,000 KM over prairies and mountains on them, and I've been driving on them ever since. The tires I mean, not the mountains.

Anyway, I'd just got this funky new pressure gauge with a digital light up screen and everything, better than the old pencil gauge I used to have that you couldn't even read the markings on so you had to pretty much just fervently hope that you didn't make anything over-inflate, explode, and blow your head off. Surely that kind of thing happens every day! Dramatic? Me?

To make matters worse, a gale was blowing my hair all around my head like temperamental hairy flames, while all that bending over was making my jeans sag and giving me an attractive builders butt crack. And of course, the air compressor quit as I was on the last tire. THE LAST TIRE. I'm pretty sure it's programmed to do this. You bastards. I wasn't coughing up another buck for one tire either so I gave it the invisible middle finger and hoped I'd gotten enough air in there before it stopped.

After this feat of endurance, I got some groceries to make a peach cobbler, procured a cup of coffee and drove down to the waterfront to drink it before driving home to commence workage. It was kind of half stormy, half nice out, look! Sorry about the angle, I was dangling precariously over the sea wall looking at all that driftwood.

Now I never once claimed this entry was interesting. So you can just shut up.

Star Trek Aliens, Wine, And Rockets

February 8, 2018

Social media keeps insisting I should be sending cute videos and photo collages to everyone I know for "Friends' Day" which...come on. That's not a real thing! That's just a "Why not use our service more to let your friends know you're thinking of them, otherwise you're a uncaring, insubstantial, failure of a human being" type of ploy. It's a lame Facebook thing. I don't play that game, FB, you suck.

Besides, every day is friends' day, fuckers.

I hate when the internet tries to tell you how to live. Or suggest people I might want to add to my Instagram feed. By actually adding them into my Instagram feed with a giant, blue follow button next to them. If I wanted to see goddamn Kardashians on my Instagram, they'd be there, already, and I'd have undergone a lobotomy. Good lord. Stop it and get off of my feed.

Besides, I'd rather add Cardassians. True. Hi Gul Dukat!

I'm cranky. And 90. And not nearly caffeinated enough to deal with this madness.

Who else watched the SpaceX launch of its Falcon Heavy rockets the other day? I watched it live, as it ignited a volatile bunch of highly versatile explosives under a fake dude and a real car, launching them up into space, to orbit the Sun and possibly Mars and whatever else, for millennia. It was mesmerizing. I love space things, and found the whole thing thrilling and emotional and amazing.

And then a bit creepy, because seeing an astronaut in a sports car, floating in open space while the Earth, the size of a basketball hung behind him, was just....spooky. Awesome, but spooky. Hope you're enjoying the views from the asteroid belt, Starman, wherever you are now, you creepy bastard.

What else? I have been out of wine for days. Weeks even. I have had one bottle of wine this year so far, and quite frankly I'm underwhelmed by the experience of not having a lovely fruity glass of something awaiting in the evening a couple of days a week. Especially since I read a thing the other day on the webz (and we all know everything you see online is true, right?) that suggested that women (not dudes, just ladies) who drink 2 glasses of wine a night, saw huge health benefits overall. It also helped weight loss. For real. 2 glasses of wine (not 1 and not 3 however) turned your bad fat into better fat and made it easier to burn off. I admit I skimmed but hey, if drinking wine makes your thinner, think of all the pizza I can now eat that I didn't dare before? See! ("Um...I'm not sure it works that way" - Everyone else)

Oh yeah. Happy Friends' Day. Whenever that is/was.

Happy New Year. Or is it?

Is there some reason I have the theme song for "Cheers" inside my head 1,440 minutes a day? Because there's a reason people become serial killers.

Well, winter is in full swing here, with some grey, rainy doom making me want to work in my fuzzy pajamas and drink coffee all day long. You might argue that is me most days, but you'd be only partially right, I WEAR REAL PANTS THANK YOU. Oops, yelling.

Then the next day arrives, where the sun shines and everything is beautiful and you get all smug and gloaty, before the following day when it decides to be all  rain again to teach your smug self a lesson.

But it's 2018 finally, and while we might not yet have our flying cars and no poverty and free food and wine, it does at least mean that 2017 is a distant, blurry nightmare, fading in the rear view mirror. That has to be a good thing, right? Can we just pretend it didn't happen?

While we're (vaguely) on the subject though, flying cars are a terrible idea. I mean how would you even police that?

In the worst segue ever to exist, we have a Phillips Hue bulb in our office here, so I can make it orange, or pink, or any other color I feel like, and it honestly, really helps make the place feel cosy and lovely against all the grey outside. Also I can do that thing where you make the light bright red and dim so the outside world thinks you're living in a brothel. I mean who doesn't want that?

Other than this, January is all about sitting around filling the time with semi-interesting things to make February arrive faster. And February is, at least, short. So there's that. Then it's spring and real life can commence again.

In case it's cold, snowy, rainy, or grey in whatever shithole country you are in [(c) Trump 2018], please enjoy this photo from yesterday, when it was gorgeous here and not the depressing mess it is today.

You are most welcome.

Tripping My Face Off - Part Two

Well. This is the second part of my photo-trip post from months ago, so don't say I don't keep my promises. I may take the scenic route but I get there eventually.

Our little ten state jaunt moved from prickly, hot Arizona, into New Mexico, my favourite of the states. It really is. The food's great, the weather's great, the buildings are awesome, the scenery's amazing...what's not to like?! Okay, the people are a little sketchy I give you that.  I'm so kidding. Jesus, chill out people.

We had a quick stop in Old Mesilla, near Las Cruces, where I had a stroll around and took this. Because why not?

We stayed the night at the best little B&B dead on the New Mexico/Texas border. The place was gorgeous and rustic. I mean our room had a patio and the door looked like this:

It was in the most confusing area I've ever encountered. You'd be driving along happily in NM one minute, then ten seconds later you'd be in Texas, then ten more seconds and you're back in New Mexico again. Insanity! The B&B was in a rural suburb of El Paso, but in New Mexico. I don't know man, my head hurt from all the geography. Anyway, it was wonderful. Quiet, beautiful, no other guests, patio overlooking the lights of El Paso and Mexico in the distance. 

We went for a little evening drive to look at the scenic, panoramic view of El Paso, and Mexico's lovely Ciudad Juarez - Murder Capital of the World, as I'm sure it would like to use as its official slogan.

The big, red X marks the border on the Mexican side 

It was a great view and a nice drive, although some maniac Texan in a truck terrified us by swerving all over the place about three feet behind us on the windy, mountain road, like he was driving a race-car right up our collective ass. Fuck off, guy.

Yes, I did get a Texas sign, thanks for asking!

A more accurate slogan would be "Driving like our pants are full of bees"

Anyway, from here, the following day, we drove up to Alamagordo, NM, which isn't especially pretty, but IS especially near the White Sands Missile Base (and National Monument) where I have always wanted to go, so we did! And it was awesome. Imagine a blue sky and a white. snowy landscape, only it's hot as hell and it's sand. 

Right??? Crappy phone panoramas for the win.

It was amazing that you could even walk barefoot on it without getting burned, because SCIENCE. (gypsum) It was beautiful. Look!

White Sands Road Pic

This was the picnic area.

Awesome.

Anyway, we had two days to troll around the area being amazed by all that white, and trying not to lose our car, which is also white (see above). We're not very smart.

From White Sands we headed through some stunning countryside, to the elusive place we've never been although we've often been close, geek and conspiracy theorists worldwide worship at the feet of - Roswell. Home of the famous "did it or didn't it happen?" alien cover-up of 1947. I've always wanted to go to Roswell because I love anything alien related and well, Roswell is the king of alien.

Now if you thought that maybe Roswell in 2017 wasn't all that impressed by the whole alien folklore thing surrounding it, well. Wouldn't YOU be wrong. 

Roswell embraced the cheese like cheese was going out of style. 

Need a tow, guy?

Yeah, Roswell was totally down with the alien thing. We went to the UFO museum because of course we did. Who would drive an hour out of their way to a town in the middle of nowhere and not do that? An idiot. We saw this obviously real alien autopsy thing.

Call me old fashioned, but that does not look sanitary for surgery...

The museum was filled with alien related goodness and newspaper articles from 1947, and paintings and displays and well....this, which I only captured the end of as I was too busy being startled!

You're welcome.

Roswell dealt with, we headed to Santa Fe - maybe my favourite American city. Like of all of them. The pueblo style buildings, the climate, the food. It's just fantastic. I mean look at these buildings.

And look at that food! Veggie-sausage burrito with green chili.

I mean there are so many buildings look like that. It's beautiful. Sigh. I want to go back to there. I won't bore you with photos, just know it's magical and nowhere else can ever achieve that level of greatness. 

We also headed up to Taos for a day trip as it's another beautiful little town, and it was lovely as always.

I don't know who those people are but thanks for being my props

I bought some NM loot to bring home with me.

We had lunch, and a particularly messy chocolate croissant, in Los Alamos, one day. Los Alamos is best known as the birthplace of the atomic bomb, which I'm not sure is something that needs to be celebrated, but is still impressive. I'd listened to Richard Feynman's TED talk before we left on the trip, so I was more determined than ever to go back to Los Alamos and see the town more. You have to go through actual government checkpoints to even get into the middle of the town where the National Laboratory is, they're pretty serious about security. 

...And some pretty good pastries!

View from Los Alamos

Where sorrow is born.

We actually were heading up to Bandelier National Monument and the Valles Caldera for the afternoon, so we left Los Alamos and off we went. Sorry if you were expecting some sort of revelation or a detour. The countryside around there is just so scenic and magnificent. New Mexico is splendid. Did I just say "splendid"? Because I'm the Queen or something.

Up on the Valles Caldera it looked something like this:

It was just miles of grasslands and hills for days. So gorgeous, unlike this hokey phone panorama. 

Also, while driving down the dirt road onto the Caldera, we passed Sheriff Longmire's Bronco going the other way. For real! Turns out it was the last day of filming on that show and they were everywhere we went. All afternoon we were tripping over film trucks and police cars, fake and real! I was stoked. I love me some "Longmire". Did I get any photos of all this? OF COURSE NOT. Plus I was scared someone would tell me off. Anyway if you watch the show, Longmire's cabin is down to the upper left of that photo. You can kind of make out the film crew in this crappy road pic in the distance.

After a few days in Santa Fe, we were on the start of the long journey home, through Colorado, Utah, Nevada, Idaho, Oregon, and Washington. That's a lot of pass through states, but since I've been to all of them before, that was ok.

We did drive on the Million Dollar Highway in Colorado for the first time, which was AMAZING and made me almost pee my yearly quota right in my pants, in terror on some spots. I was too anxious to take photos until it was tame again. I strongly urge you to drive that road if you're ever anywhere near. 

Here's a NORMAL Colorado mountain road when I had stopped shaking.

Phew!

We stopped at Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park, which is a thing! That I'd never heard of! And it was wonderful. No photos can possibly convey how great that view was. I don't know why I even tried. But here it is anyway.

Pretty soon we were in Utah, where we saw the Great Salt Lake.

I mean it was from the car, but we saw it!

And on to the Bonneville Salt Flats where the land speed records are recorded. We went there last time we were in the area and it was flooded and in the middle of some sort of monsoon. This time was much more agreeable even if I was picking salt out of my sandals for weeks.

So empty and cool.

The rest of the trip was a fast drive through rural Idaho, Oregon, and into Washington where I said hello to Mount Rainier.

Ooooh pretty!?

What sort of in-bred, toothless nut doesn't enjoy a snow topped mountain, huh?

And that was a suitably fun way to end a trip! It was a monster for sure. The trip, not the mountain, although...it is pretty big!

I know you were all waiting on tenterhooks for this update. No?

No.