Early Monday morning…
Mouse: BOO!
Me: What the shit!
Mouse: Sorry about that. I thought I’d surprise you.
Me: But… I plugged up all my holes. You shouldn’t still be here, you little Hugh-Granty-sounding motherfucker.
Mouse: Yes, about that. It was a valiant effort, really it was. I applaud it on principle. It even worked for a few days. However, duct tape? Really? I have sharp teeth you know.
Me: But duct tape is strong. You can rapel off a building using duct tape.
Mouse: Really, you’re too cute. And you watch way too much “Mythbusters”. However, maybe it’s just not such a good idea to use duct tape for blocking up gaps under your dishwasher. I’m just saying. So that next time you can perhaps find something more daunting to plug that hole with. I like a challenge. Duct tape, frankly, is a little insulting. I’m not an amateur, you know.
Me: Well I’m VERY fucking sorry. Why can’t you go annoy someone else, Mousepants McGoo?
Mouse: It’s Baxter, remember? And for your information, I visit quite a few apartments. Don’t go thinking YOU’RE so special. And truthfully, I’m starting to think most of my other humans might be nicer than you. Which is sad because I had high hopes.
Me: Oh that IS sad. Maybe you should spend all of your time with your other humans then. I recommend that.
Mouse: Sadly while they’re more polite than you, they are significantly less interesting. I mean not one of those other humans like to dance around the room on Friday mornings in only their star covered pyjama pants and a bra, shaking their money maker and singing a made up song about not having to go to work.
Me: That’s my Gwen Stefani impersonation!
Mouse: Of course it is. Although, I believe Gwen has ribs. And something called “coordination”.
Me; Screw YOU, rodent boy.
Mouse: And I sincerely doubt that Gwen stops every so often, raises a leg and rips a raucous air biscuit. And then proceeds to get delighted with herself and rate it for pungency and vibration and then emails her sister with the results.
Me: Well how the hell do YOU know what Gwen does or does not do? Maybe she’s the goddamn Queen of Farts! And stop spying on me.
Mouse: Please. It’s the most entertaining part of the week. And it’s free. I video tape it to show all my mouse friends! They think you’re hysterical. Especially my girlfriend, Maybelline. She laughs until she practically chokes! One day I shall put the video on YouTube and we shall have a viral hit.
Me: I WILL SUE YOU.
Mouse: Come on now. I’m a mouse! You can’t sue a mouse. Don’t be ridiculous!
Me: I will…wait a second. Her name’s Maybelline? MAYBELLINE?
Mouse: There’s no need to make a scene, she’s heard all the jokes.
Me; Hey Baxter? Is she pretty?
Mouse: Yes she’s…I think so. She’s quite pleasing to look at, yes.
Me: Hmmm.
Mouse: Hmmmm?
Me: I was just wondering.
Mouse: Oh no you don’t…
Me: Maybe she’s born with it…
Mouse: You are monotonously predictable.
Me: Or MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLINE!
Mouse: Sigh. I do enjoy our little chats.
Me: One day mouse. One day I will set an elaborate trap you won’t see coming.
Mouse: Oh? Will it involve duct tape? Oh, oh, oh, I know! Maybe you could get another one of those clever little boxes that say MOUSE TRAP on the side in big, red letters. Those are HILARIOUS. I peed with joy last time you tried that. I gasped and I said, “OMG! What can THAT possibly be?!” It was so amusing, you can’t imagine.
Me; You’re still a sarcastic little fucker aren’t you? Anyway…I thought mice couldn’t read!
Mouse: Well we can’t talk either, but hey. Looky!
Me: You need to go away now.
Mouse: Cranky! Anyway, you’re right, it’s past my bedtime, what with me being nocturnal and all, and looks like you’re running late, so guess I’ll see you tonight then? Around midnight? Don’t figure on sleeping, we have things to discuss. Bye bye.
Me: *$&%^*!
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So. People have nudged me about my total ineptness at updating this thing and they are correct. It's just, I don't have a life reall...
*Rips a raucous air biscuit*
ReplyDeleteI reckon you should make a giant ball of duct tape with the mouse in the centre and roll it down a very steep hill.
Oh you do fuel my fantasies, Sir! :)
ReplyDeleteI like this mouse, I tells ya. I say keep him around.
ReplyDeleteBah, you don't hear him running around in the middle of the night LAUGHING at me.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe you haven't killed that little fucker yet!
ReplyDeleteWhat the HELL.
Funny shit though.
Well see, I'm all full of bravado, but I don't actually want him dead. I just want him to go somewhere else and have fun, you know? Just not anywhere I can trip over him unexpectedly and have a heart attack. :)
ReplyDeleteMy huybby says, "Get a cat!"
ReplyDeleteThat was the funniest thing I've read all day. Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteDude! I am wearing star-covered pyjama pants right now! No lie. They are blue and fleecy and comfy. But I don't dance in them ... much.
ReplyDeleteAnd hey, you should have put Mister Baxter in a little side box and stuck him in the mail to me when you saw Desmond off. :) I would rather enjoy the little fucker's conversation, I think.
Maybe you could catch him and paste a bushy tail on him. Somehow, squirrels are less gross.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Eva: Yes, but have you seen the uh...scene, after a cat's had a mouse? I have. Not going there again. ICK!
ReplyDeleteTS: Are you high, TS? :) I want some of what you're having.
Inky: Damn, I should have totally done that. I mailed it at lunch today actually. I should've stuck him in there with a lump of cheese and maybe the picture of Desmond would have terrified him into a coma? :)
Hunter: Good idea. He's actually pretty cute, but you know, there's a place for cute mice and it's not running around my apartment!
You plugged up all your holes?? No wonder you're so grumpy.
ReplyDeleteDude!
ReplyDeleteYou sure it wasn't a Mouseketeer?
ReplyDeleteBahaha great.
ReplyDeleteSeal up the gaps with steel wool, preferably the ones with that gross blue powdered cleaner in them. The mouse can't chew, and the powder will dissuade him from even trying.
Baxter is much more civilized than the giant Godzilla rat that decided to get into my house bin. He had a switchblade and threatened to cut me if I even thought of messing with him. I'm still amazed he managed to squeeze his fat hairy arse through the small hole in the back of the cupboard. Balled up aluminium foil stuffed in the hole is working so far.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I think you may have overlooked the Looney Tunes Principle which states that mice (well any rodent really) are inherently smarter than humans and will always win, eventually take over the world and become our furry overlords.
I usually rip farts doing my Ed Asner imitation, and my mouse just laughs and laughs...
ReplyDeleteMice, can not fart or burp. If you leave a saucer of cola out for the little rat bastard... he'll drink it.. the little fools love it.. then.. of course.. he can't burp or fart.. so the gas will build up.. and he will run back to his friends,, IN TIME TO EXPLOde... it's a sight... but true..
ReplyDeleteor, if you are a peta member... you can catch him by the tail and take him to the woods to live happily ever after..
I DO THE COLA THING!
I love witty mouse banter. You'll miss it when it's gone or when you finally dispose of that sarcastic little fucker. Good stuff.
ReplyDeletenext time you send a fart email to your sister, CC me. i want details.
ReplyDeleteyou so sexy... i think i saw that on mousetube. get it? because it's a mouse? ahahahaha... ha. *ahem*
ReplyDeleteThere's a spider that's been hiding behind my computer desk for days. It waltzes up the wall every now and then, but when I reach for a shoe to smack it, it dives back down into the shadows. Fucker.
ReplyDeleteAnd now after reading this I'm afraid it'll start talking to me next.
In Vincent Price's voice.
Just one question - are you stoned, medicated, have a high fever or drunk?
ReplyDeleteSeriously, you gave a female mouse the name Maybelline?
Why don't you sing off key and scare it away?
Oh, I know, I know. YOU would never say anything like that. :)
ReplyDeleteMiss B: I'm not sure entirely but he's altogether too English and posh to be gallavanting with mini Britneys and the like...
ReplyDeleteKate: What a fantastic idea. I'm going to try that out if it's at all feasible. For real. Thank you!
Rusty: Thankfully there are no rats to speak of up here, and the mouse is cute but unwelcome. Plus now I have to be clothed at all times in case he has his camera. Pffft.
SkylersDaddeh: That happens to me too! It must be something in Ed. He provokes and encourages gaseousness.
Queenie: That is the singelmost horrifying and therefore interesting thing I've heard in ages. I'd never DO it but man... For the record I don't burp and I haven't exploded yet. Of course I can fart for north America therefore I guess it all escapes that way...
Surprisingly Bright: Well I don't think I'll miss it quite as much as you think. Little bugger is always startling me after all and he never brings gifts or anything!
Aladdin: I don't blame you. They're very descriptive!
Becky: You keep taking those meds honey. They'll kick in eventually.
Cora: HAHAHAHA! A spider can only sound like Vincent Price. That is classy!
Ms. B: WTF? As if I gave her that name! I'm not her mama. She already had it when I heard of her. Pay attention!
Becks: Not without supplementing it with fourteen hail marys. Or are they hail maries? I'm no good with plurals.
Next time that mouse comes 'round just picture that he is a broccoli.
ReplyDeleteLast week Monday I happened to shower with the largest insect ever (not by choice mind you). I cried. I felt like it was judging me. Telling to to step away from the cookies. Most daunting experience of my life.
ReplyDeletethis is brilliant, easily the funniest thing i have read all week! Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteBest read so far this week!
ReplyDeleteIf you try to tape again, put steel wool on the opposite side of the tape. Rodents wont try to get through because the steel wool tears up their feet and noses. (That's what I heard anyway while doing research for my squirrel debacles.)
ReplyDeleteDog: That made me laugh and laugh. Not just broccoli which is amusing enough, but A broccoli. Awesome. (I dislike broccoli)
ReplyDeleteSid: Those goddamn judgmental insects! They're not so damn perfect you know themselves. But really, they need to get out of a girl's shower and show some RESPECT.
Heather: Thank you, I think. I wish I could take credit but it's how it happened. That mouse is talkative. What can you do? :)
Kat: You crazy girl. You're giving that mouse a superiority complex. Does that work? Superiority complex? Is it a complex if you're superior? I don't know... But thanks, I think.
Jules: That's two of you now for the steel wool thing. I thought that yesterday when Kate mentioned it. Steel wool THEN duct tape might do it. It's a weird gap though. It'll take some experimentation. But I'm willing to do it. Damn mouse.
ReplyDelete"Screw you, Rodent Boy!" That's going to be my insult of the week! Love it! Been there, done that with the whole rodent in the house thing.
ReplyDeleteMy mom lifts her leg when she "rips a raucous air biscuit" too. That's how I know to move on to the next aisle in the grocery store. Those poor, unsuspecting other people though. Tsk Tsk.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I kind of like Baxter.
Cat Lady: I find that "Screw you [insert (in)appropriate insult here] works in almost any occasion! So good luck with that!
ReplyDeleteMs. OWO: Uh huh. You like him but you don't have to listen to his sarcasm, judging your awesome dance moves and your cooking.
oooo my first instinct would be to jump on the little buggers head... but... I would probably have to keep him as a pet. I'm just like that. Strange!
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of the conversation I had with the bat in my house but it was more of the bat just squeaking and me screaming like a little bitch.
ReplyDeleteOh a wise guy eh? Then slam him with a sledge hammer.
ReplyDeleteIt's called the "Three Stooges Manuever".
He's kinda growing on me though...the little fuck.
Ahh, I enjoyed this far too much! I love Baxter and his posh little accent!
ReplyDeleteLove Mousepants McGoo!!! Funny stuff Veg.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you'd like to borrow my kat Chyna for a night or two? I doubt he'll do anything about the mouse, but it'll give you some alternative night-time entertainment.
ReplyDeleteThere are far too few things in this world that make me pee with joy, and this post happens to be one of them. And fyi, Baxter can suck it because you are so not monotonously predictable.
ReplyDeleteI have a cricket that torments me. And no, not the benevolent top-hat clad angel on your shoulder kind. The evil, hissing I-am-going-to-accost-you-in-the-bathroom kind.
My suggestion is you wire a running wheel to a mini generator, and have that pesky little rodent generate some real power for you!
ReplyDeletechew you're way out of that Baxter (or maybe it's Maybelline??)
E.D.: If only I could move at the speed of a tornado then maybe I'd stand a chance of jumping on him. :)
ReplyDeleteMoooooog: Hahaha! Actually that's a bit like me when I encounter "Baxter" in the middle of the night.
Candy: See? See what he does? He gets you all interested and acts all cute and then you're snared. Damn!
Soda: You are not helping, woman. He is evil. EVIL.
Melisa: You can have him if you'd like? I'm sure I can fedex his little mousepants ass to you overnight or something.
DJ: Your pussy might leave entrails all over my nice hardwood floor though...
Lola: Thank you miss Lola! I am not! Except where cake is concerned maybe. I'll tell him you said so. That'll shut him up, stupid mouse.
Macy: Another fabulous idea from the Scottish lady. He can power my home! That sounds fair to me. I might give him cheese in return. He and Maybelline can take turns. Excellent!
AAAARGH! That's horrible. And made me shudder just a little. Strangely this very morning I was opening the fridge door and I thought, "I better watch in case that little fucker tries to infiltrate my cheese supply!" Now I'm REALLY worried. :)
ReplyDelete*Air Biscuit*
ReplyDeleteI only come here for this sort of thing - plus you make me laugh a lot.
Hmm - just think how much worse things would be if there were children around.
xxxxx
Lulu: Well it's a matter of opinion really. I mean maybe I could train it to EAT the children? Even though they ARE mythical, imaginary children, I'm sure they taste even better than the real thing?
ReplyDeleteHm. As long as there's no air gravy with those biscuits...
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahaha! Dude. EWWWW.
ReplyDeleteI almost forgot how funny you are, thanks, I needed that. But seriously, instead of duct tape, shove the hole with steel wool. Little fuckers can't chew through that. It's what our Orkin Man uses at work.
ReplyDeleteYay, miss Fancy, another vote for steel wool. I'm totally getting some. That's it. WAR. :)
ReplyDeleteI wonder if Baxter's vid of you is going to land on TMZ? You gotta watch those mice, anything for some extra cheese...oh wait, me too.
ReplyDeleteMessage to Baxter:
ReplyDeleteLeave that wicked Veg Ass and come live with me. I promise to never dance in my knickers and bra while singing improvised Gwen Stefani songs and I only ever fart in the bath. You can even bring along Maybe-It's-Maybelline...
Buffster: I wouldn't put it past him the little attention whore...
ReplyDeleteMuummmmeeee: Yes! Please. Take him! And I wasn't SINGING Gwen songs just dancing in her manner. Yes. That's my excuse anyway.
I like Baxter, but yes, like you, I'd want him in parts other than my house LOL! Hopefully, you can figure out a way to cover his escape holes (that always stops them). I have cats so Baxter would not make it in my house unfortunately - and I wouldn't want to observe that scene either - it's bad enough when my cats find and catch (and sometimes bring to me) bugs. But mice, no way!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Since I like to scare myself with animal planet shows from time to time, I just saw one about how in Florida, they have these giant rats the size of cats that are a non-native species from Africa (imported as pets - PETS!). So they got out and now there are bunches of them roaming about. And some can carry monkey pox. Monkey. Pox. Gah!
So be glad that Baxter is a normal mouse (albeit a very intelligent one).
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE your mouse banter! LOVE LOVE LOVE!
ReplyDeletePs.. where is your button? my blog NEEDS it.
Pook: Thank the LORD there are no rats here. Mice are one thing but gigantic things with sharp teeth you could ride to work? No thanks. :) ICK!
ReplyDeleteCass: My what now? Button? I'm supposed to have a button? I uh...what?
Dude, shittttttttt. I needed yer button. Ok, guess I'll wing it. Pfft.
ReplyDeleteCass: My button is hot for you, honey! WHAT BUTTON? WTF?
ReplyDeleteIf Baxter weren't so damn lovable I would actually suggest you call "Billy the Exterminator"
ReplyDeleteAfter last night, where he blatantly appeared under my desk and walked in a blase manner past my foot, I might kill him myself. Of course it will have to be when I don't go "AAAAAAARGH!" and run and he doesn't run at the same time and we both blindly flee the scene in fright.
ReplyDeleteI'm here from Miss Awesome Sauce herself, Big Mama Cass's place! This post made me LOL at my desk and caused people to stare at me, and well, they already think I'm crazy, so this just gives them more ammunition. I look forward to getting to know your blog.
ReplyDelete