Of Mice And (Wo)Men, Part Deux

Early Monday morning…

Mouse:  BOO!

Me: What the shit!

Mouse: Sorry about that.  I thought I’d surprise you.

Me: But… I plugged up all my holes.  You shouldn’t still be here, you little Hugh-Granty-sounding motherfucker.

Mouse: Yes, about that.  It was a valiant effort, really it was.  I applaud it on principle.  It even worked for a few days.  However, duct tape?  Really? I have sharp teeth you know.

Me:  But duct tape is strong.  You can rapel off a building using duct tape.

Mouse:  Really, you’re too cute.  And you watch way too much “Mythbusters”.  However, maybe it’s just not such a good  idea to use duct tape for blocking up gaps under your dishwasher.  I’m just saying.  So that next time you can perhaps find something more daunting to plug that hole with. I like a challenge.  Duct tape, frankly, is a little insulting.  I’m not an amateur, you know.

Me:  Well I’m VERY fucking sorry.  Why can’t you go annoy someone else, Mousepants McGoo?

Mouse: It’s Baxter, remember?  And for your information, I visit quite a few apartments.  Don’t go thinking YOU’RE so special.  And truthfully, I’m starting to think most of my other humans might be nicer than you. Which is sad because I had high hopes.

Me: Oh that IS sad.  Maybe you should spend all of your time with your other humans then.  I recommend that.

Mouse:  Sadly while they’re more polite than you, they are significantly less interesting.  I mean not one of those other humans like to dance around the room on Friday mornings in only their star covered pyjama pants and a bra, shaking their money maker and singing a made up song about not having to go to work.

Me: That’s my Gwen Stefani impersonation!
 
Mouse:  Of course it is.  Although, I believe Gwen has ribs.  And something called “coordination”.

Me;  Screw YOU, rodent boy.
 
Mouse:  And I sincerely doubt that Gwen stops every so often, raises a leg and rips a raucous air biscuit.  And then proceeds to get delighted with herself and rate it for pungency and vibration and then emails her sister with the results.

Me: Well how the hell do YOU know what Gwen does or does not do? Maybe she’s the goddamn Queen of Farts! And stop spying on me.

Mouse:  Please.  It’s the most entertaining part of the week.  And it’s free.  I video tape it to show all my mouse friends!  They think you’re hysterical.  Especially my girlfriend, Maybelline.  She laughs until she practically chokes!  One day I shall put the video on YouTube and we shall have a viral hit.

Me:  I WILL SUE YOU.

Mouse:  Come on now.  I’m a mouse!  You can’t sue a mouse.  Don’t be ridiculous!

Me: I will…wait a second.  Her name’s Maybelline?  MAYBELLINE?

Mouse:  There’s no need to make a scene, she’s heard all the jokes.

Me; Hey Baxter?  Is she pretty?

Mouse:  Yes she’s…I think so.  She’s quite pleasing to look at, yes.

Me: Hmmm.

Mouse: Hmmmm?

Me: I was just wondering.
 
Mouse:  Oh no you don’t…

Me: Maybe she’s born with it…

Mouse: You are monotonously predictable.

Me: Or MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLINE!

Mouse:  Sigh.  I do enjoy our little chats.

Me:  One day mouse.  One day I will set an elaborate trap you won’t see coming.
 
Mouse:  Oh?  Will it involve duct tape?  Oh, oh, oh, I know!  Maybe you could get another one of those clever little boxes that say MOUSE TRAP on the side in big, red letters.  Those are HILARIOUS.  I peed with joy last time you tried that.  I gasped and I said, “OMG! What can THAT possibly be?!”  It was so amusing, you can’t imagine.

Me; You’re still a sarcastic little fucker aren’t you?  Anyway…I thought mice couldn’t read!

Mouse:  Well we can’t talk either, but hey.  Looky!

Me:  You need to go away now.

Mouse:  Cranky!  Anyway, you’re right, it’s past my bedtime, what with me being nocturnal and all, and looks like you’re running late, so guess I’ll see you tonight then? Around midnight? Don’t figure on sleeping, we have things to discuss.  Bye bye.

Me: *$&%^*!