So for the lovely Georgina, for the slightly loopy Muummmmeeeeee, for the excellent Mr. Peevers, the fabulous Brandi and for the totally bonkers Claire, thank you all and here are five things I (mostly) haven’t mentioned before, that might just make me insane.
1) I like to eat ranch flavoured sourdough croutons like potato chips. They’re tasty and crunchy and any old asshole can eat a potato chip, but it takes a monumental genius to eat dry croutons as a snack.
2) I have imaginary conversations with a mouse, for fuck’s sake. Or are they imaginary? You’ll never know.
3) I give things names because I believe all things deserve names. Like my toes. They get names because they’re always feuding with each other. Alfonse (middle toe, left foot) has real problems with Cyrus (neighbouring toe next to pinky toe) so I’m always having to butt in and stop things escalating. The right foot toes have staged a boycott of my Converse stating reasons of crowding and unpleasant working conditions. The ringleader is Big Toe-ny who bullies the others. I know what you’re thinking too. “Why are all your toes male, Veg?” Well they just are.
4) I love the smell of gasoline. I will happily stand in the gas station for ten whole minutes in a state of bliss, eyes closed, breathing in those delicious fumes and feeling at one with the world.
5) I sometimes have elaborate fantasies about living in my car and travelling. Taking out the back seat and building in a bunk bed and some storage and living like a bum. A really freaky awesome bum with great taste and mystique. Whatever that is.
There, wasn’t that enlightening?
Congrats on winning the awards...you know you totally deserve this right?
ReplyDeleteYour drawings are interesting as always, I like the second one better though simply because I like cats!
"any old asshole can eat a potato chip"
ReplyDeleteThat is possibly the wisest thing I've ever heard. I'm actually thinking of compiling a book on your behalf. It's gonna be called
"Pototo Chips and Assholes"
With a sub-title of
"Life-changing wisdom from the Vegetable Assassin"
But as I'm going to be doing all the work and all you have to do is open your mouth, I'm reckoning on a 80:20 split in my favour.
Deal?
I too love the smell of gasoline.
ReplyDeleteThe Desmond painting is fab.
Mmmmmm........gasoline..... I think I'll stop at the gas station on my way to jury duty and sniff up.....
ReplyDeleteP.S. That is one gorgeous cat! My cats all think so.
You name your toes.... lol. Congrats on the awards.
ReplyDeleteThe painting of the cat is amazing.. I love it.
Jana: Are you sucking up to me to steal my awards, lady? I admire your balls. And yes, cats rule.
ReplyDeleteMo: 80/20 you say? To ME I believe. Since you might be doing the work but I'm the genius doing the intelligent thinking and coming up with fabulous sayings.
Nat: Mmmmm gasoline. It's wonderful. Gasoline and shoe polish. Oh my.
Jules: Jury duty I do not love. Gasoline I do. And your cats are the ultimate authority on everything so I feel privileged.
Vodka: He has mesmerizing eyes! Thank you. :) He is not my cat though, he's Miss Inkpuddle's honey.
A friend and I did the whole "traveling bums" thing. We got a big van, took out the seats, and built bunks and storage. We drove around the U.S. & Canadafor about five months. Many of our nights were spent sleeping in the van in hotel parking lots. They just assumed we were guests. We didn't get hassled once. I highly recommend it.
ReplyDeleteDude, that sounds awesome to me. I always figured if stuck for someplace safe and quiet to sleep one of those overnight underground parking lots might work. :) I'm extremely jealous!
ReplyDeleteI also name things.
ReplyDeleteLet me introduce you to Mr. Winky and the two twins, Bouncy and Shmouncy.
Shmouncy is smaller than Bouncy and he's sad about this.
Maybe I should take this off line.
I don't suppose there's an iota of chance that Mr. Winky and the Bouncy Schmouncy twins are your neighbours? :)
ReplyDeleteI, too, love the smell of gasoline and eat dry croutons right out of the bag as if they were potato chips.
ReplyDeleteHmm.
Is this a redhead thing? Or just a freaking awesome thing?
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's most definitely an AWESOME thing. :) Yum! I have yet to try eating croutons while sniffing gasoline though...
ReplyDeleteI think you should have business cards made up.
ReplyDeleteVegetable Assassin
Goddamn Wonderful and Deserving Human Being
Maybe with some gold embossing?
What do you mean "MAYBE"? Damn straight! Gold all the way.
ReplyDeleteVeg, you're the bomb! Love the cat. I agree, croutons can be a great snack food! As to naming my toes? It's been a while since I've seen them!
ReplyDeleteI eat ranch croutons like chips too! AND I love the smell of gasoline. High five!
ReplyDeleteWe were obviously meant for each other.
Those paintings are amazing. You should send a photo of the Lost one to...you know...Lost people. That cat looks like my special ed baby Nugget.
I like croutons as snacks too, the italian seasoned are my favorite.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on all your awards, it takes talent to give people a laugh everyday.
Thanks for stopping by my place. I don't know why I haven't been following the mostest awesomest award winningest person on the internet tubes up until now.
ReplyDeleteI name my car and electronics, but that's about as far as I go. So tame. *Shakes head.*
ReplyDeleteAnd I know I told you last night, but the painting of Des is awesome. And rather than repeat my babbling here, I will leave it at that. :) Thanks, dude.
You had me at #1 & 4, but lost me when you said you name your toes (odd, you didn't lose me when you mentioned your conversations with an imaginary mouse -hmmm...makes me think there could be something wrong with me)...oh wait, this post is about you, not me.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hear you on the croutons and smell of gas.
Love the paintings.
Kitty! Want!
ReplyDeleteOoo ta Veg Ass...very kind of you!
ReplyDeleteHaven't you got cool toes...they sound a bit like The Sopranos. Mine are quite boring...bit like the Brady Bunch, just uglier.
I think your toes are male because they are whiny and they complain about your choice of shoes.
ReplyDeleteJust like a man ; )
Eva: Hahahaha! I laughed at the "while since I've seen them" joke. You're on form, woman.
ReplyDeleteMs. OWO: All the cool people raise their hand! How could you not love ranch croutons and gasoline (sounds like something you'd find in a redneck "gourmet" restaurant.) I could send the painting to LOST people or just hang it on the wall to remember my constant struggle with good and evil.
Melissa: Yes! Croutons for the win. I like the Italian too, good choice. And thanks!
Skylerspapa: I'm just a "best kept secret" kind of deal. The secret is, I pretty much suck, so hey. :) Hi!
Little Ms. B: Oh please. Someone who imitates Beaker and a crazy monkey to bad songs is calling me crazy. Psssht! :)
Red: When did you become a caveman, dude? Really!
Muummmmeeeee: Oh my God. I LOVE that. My toes are the Digit Sopranos (which is also my new band). Awesome.
Soda: Oh touche, you snarky devil. I like it. :)
i think you might be chuck posing as you and talking about toes because... chuck calls his big toe "the captain." that's right.
ReplyDeletein marginally related news, fabulous paints as per yooj.
I think you already reached that conclusion before. So it must be true. [Evil laugh] At least it's only his toe that's The Captain and not his penis. Like SPUNKY. And thank you ma'am.
ReplyDeleteOOOH INKY! I missed you there. How terribly careless. I'm happy you liked Des. He will be arriving soon, with his mesmerizing eyes. Right now he's staring at me. ME.
ReplyDeleteI used to like the smell of gasoline, before they got rid of lead and started putting in MBPE and Ethanol. Now it just smells like Uncle Jed.
ReplyDeleteUm....ok, man! I agree though. It used to smell better. All metallicy and bewitching and "come hithery". No? It's still good though. It's still seductive. It's still my little bitch. Uncle Jed or not.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your award!!!! Also? your a weirdo. In a totally good way!
ReplyDeleteUh huh. I can spell "you're" though. Back to you! :)
ReplyDeleteOoooh! That's me mentioned up there! Thank you! :)
ReplyDeleteI actually eat ranch croutons as a snack too. Yay us!
Not so sure about the smell of petrol, though. Ever since I saw that movie where Franke Potente explodes, I've been slightly scared of gas stations.
Hm. Or is she just in the loo and everyone else explodes?
Look, it's a long time since I saw it and I don't want to see it again, alright?!
Blimey, there's no pleasing some people!
Lovely paintings, by the way!
Thank you Sir! And "Franke Potente Explodes" might be my NEXT band! Thanks for that. :) And the award. Of course.
ReplyDeleteI've never thought of munching croutons straight up! That sounds nummy! :)
ReplyDeleteOh you need to try it. They should really be a flavoured crouton though. The flavour makes it. YUM! I like the President's Choice Ranch flavour. :)
ReplyDeleteI totally gave you an award, too.
ReplyDeleteJust sayin'.
GASP! You did? Well that's what happens when you up and move and it takes me a week to figure it out (I figured it out two days ago, sue me) :) Thank you miss Peney. I'll go check it out and maybe do stuff. You know...with it.
ReplyDeleteYou are totally fucking awesome. Someone should give you an award for it. Oh, wait...
ReplyDeleteP.S. - Nice pussy.
You know what Rocket Girl? I'm SHOCKED that joke took this long. :) Thank you though.
ReplyDeleteCan I have "any asshole can eat a potato chip" on a t-shirt please?!?!
ReplyDeleteLove your paintings. Always and forever.
I think we all need those t-shirts, man. With bonus photos of various douchebags eating chips on them. :)
ReplyDeleteVeg - STOP BEING SO FUNNY. Like RIGHT NOW.
ReplyDeleteI mean now they've manged to licence or ban almost anything fun (smoking, drugs, alcohol, driving without a seatbelt....), I reckon your days are LIMITED.
Sorry YELLING again....
Do I really have to tell you to PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE, woman? There, I just did. WTF?
ReplyDeleteA meme? You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
ReplyDeleteI know. You wanted two memes. But you can't have everything, man. Maybe I could write a special Damon Albarn meme?
ReplyDeleteSecret = This girl used to steal industrial sized bags of croutons from the stock room of the chain restaurant she worked at.
ReplyDeleteDon't ask how.
Alfonse is such a whiny bitch. Paint him a different color than the rest. That'll teach him.
ReplyDeletebonkers may be the kindest name i've been called in a good long time. you are clearly bonkers also because we have 4 out of 5 things in common from your list. don't be scared, we'll be alright. 'they' told me so.
ReplyDeleteOil or acrylic?
ReplyDeleteRainey: YOU ROCK! I mean, you might be my hero. I would do the same. I mean it's CROUTONS!
ReplyDeleteMiss Y: Yeah he really is. I think he actually might be gay too, because he's quite flamboyant and tries to cover it up by swearing and spitting.
Claire: Uh huh. THEY know everything, dude. Believe me.
Miss Spoken: I was trying to think of a wise ass answer here but my brain's broken. :) ACRYLIC. Oils take way too long to dry and I'm impatient damn it.
Your memes are always so insightful. Worrying, but insightful. Gasoline? Blimey, remind me not to stand next to you with a lighted match.
ReplyDeleteWell why would you want to stand next to me with a lighted match when we're near petrol? WHY? I think YOU might be the nut here, Madame.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the croutons and gasoline, and I was never a huffer - just a heifer.
ReplyDeleteThe naming toes bit made me put you on my blogroll. The weirder, the better.
Jessica (0): Croutons are straight from heaven but should probably never be mixed with gasoline. They are definitely separate pleasures. And did you just call me weird? Well! :)
ReplyDeleteDude you are so mad talented!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd you, ma'am, are just plain MAD! Which is why I like you.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that mouse is imaginary... it repeats your conversations to me. You're a funny girl ;)
ReplyDeletehahah I love it! I can totally relate to fantasies about living in your car and travelling. I sometimes fantasize about going totally survivorman and living on a deserted island (Castaway style) and living on bananas and coconuts and sleeping by a campfire, letting my hair grow wild and crazy and running around naked. Then I remember that in Castaway he was totally suicidal and I decide to stay in Ottawa.
ReplyDeleteE.D.: That trecherous little rodent! Boy, he gets around the world doesn't he?
ReplyDeleteAngie: Hahahaha. Hmmm. Deserted tropical island. Ottawa. What to do. :) I think I'd at least TRY the island only it can be an island with a BOAT and maybe close to civilisation, how's that? Not that Ottawa isn't nice. It's just lacking that tropical factor, no?