I actually wrote a long entry about everything I liked and hated about the Oscars, full of blazing wit and sparkling repartee, but then I realized no one really gives a crap, particularly me, therefore, I’m going to leave you with a few brief thoughts on last night’s rather unsuspensful and boring Academy Awards Show then I’m going to shut up about it.
I just don’t get how everyone today seems to be raving positively about Sarah Jessica Parker’s “outstanding” gown choice. Here’s a newsflash. Her make up was too dark and patchy, she looked worn out and her Chanel dress did nothing for her figure. Three words: Dollar. Store. Candle. I sort of expected a frowning Stacy and Clinton to pop up behind her and chastize her while waving a credit card in her face.
Also, Maggie Gyllenhaal forgot her dress altogether and had to go to the ceremony wrapped in the curtains from the local Tiki Bar.
Between the dress and her creepy husband accessory (I could hardly watch “An Education” due to the ick factor of Peter Sarsgaard) she should’ve won an Oscar for “crazy chick in the starring role of life”.
I liked that Jeff Bridges proved my theory that he had obviously smoked a bowl before and during the ceremony and has finally morphed for once and for all, into an older, wordier version of The Dude.
…but his tux really tied the room together.
I also thought that Bridges smoked, drank, injected something...man...like groovy.
ReplyDeleteBless his (crazy) heart! I was waiting for him to go "PEACE OUT MAN!" at the end. He was THIS close. :) I love me some Jeff Bridges. Truly.
ReplyDelete"everyone"
ReplyDelete?
"everyone"
?
I hate it when you group me in with everyone like that...
I'm special.
Oh sorry, man. EVERYONE BUT MO seemed to be raving about SJP's outfit. There. Happy? Jeeze.
ReplyDeleteOh but I like the way SJP matched the colour of her dress to her complexion.
ReplyDeleteI thought her complexion clashed horribly with it. If she'd left off the fake tan and inch of foundation she might have done it. :) She has this tiny figure yet hid it in that straight sheath. Shame!
ReplyDeleteSJP's dress was terrible!
ReplyDeleteBut I love Peter Sarsgaard! He's adorable. He is totally miscast in An Education, though. Why did they not just cast a Brit?! Stupid whoever directed that movie!!!
I agree, his accent wasn't great at all. And he was SO CREEPY. Generally he doesn't bother me too much but lately he just seems. Creepy as hell. Especially in that movie.
ReplyDeleteI truly didn't give a crap. I watched the Boston Celtics basketball game! I'll drool over Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Rasheed Wallace, Glen Davis, Nate Robinson, Kendrick Perkins, and Rajon Rondo any day over movie actors!
ReplyDeleteYou saucy lady! :) I don't have the hots for many movie actors either, truthfully. There are actors I like but it's not usually in a "hot" way. I'm wired a bit strangely...
ReplyDeleteYeah, I wasn't getting all the SJP dress love, either! It was HIDEOUS, AND she couldn't WALK in the damn thing!!
ReplyDeleteThe tiki bar comment...I'm still laughing! Thanks!!
I know! I didn't get it at all (her dress). As for the tiki dress, I actually thought Maggie looked really good in it but it wasn't a "usual" Oscar type of dress at all. Sort of looked like she was dressed by Old Navy.
ReplyDeletejlo has the best gown and meryl should've won, imho.
ReplyDeleteI don't know anyone that liked SJP dress.. the lot are looney
ReplyDeleteI have no idea why SJP continues to be a fashion icon. Neither in "Sex And The City" nor in real life has she ever failed to resemble someone from the Star Wars cantina. Just hideous, ostentatious disasters.
ReplyDeleteBut what do I know? I'm a dude. I think it's hot when a girl wears a ponytail and a hockey jersey.
i think that color looks pretty on sarah jessica parker, but the dress is completely shapeless! ugh.
ReplyDeletemaggie gyllenhaal's dress is simply revolting. it made me throw up in my mouth. not a little, a lot.
and jeff bridges was SOOO stoned. or drunk. or just nuts. thoughout his whole speech i was just sitting there confused. "my parents were so into show-business!" yeah, you just said that like 8 times.
I do not understand. :(
ReplyDeleteSarah: Jlo's gown was pretty, yes. As for Meryl I'm so fed up with her being nominated every time she so much as breathes, so I was fine with Sandra. :)
ReplyDeleteVodka: It was all the TV people who loved it. I was just all "WTF?"
Words: I could not agree more. She always looks wacky to me, but hell, what do I know either. :) Star Wars cantina is still making me laugh.
Aladdin: Jeff was so out of it, yes. I think having your award announced right at the end has big disadvantages, mainly you've had a lot of champagne by then. :) He was having a good time at least. I dig me some Jeff B.
Hunter: It's ok man. You missed nothing. Just you stay oblivious.
Too bad Sean Penn didn't introduce the best actor category. He and Jeff could've had an entire "dude?duuuuude!!!" conversation. (Am I the only one who keeps waiting for him to break out into Jeff Spicoli speak? Especially when he's as tanked as he was last night?)
ReplyDeleteEnough about the dress, what about SJP's hair? It looked like she had just taken off at touque after riding across the country on a motorcycle!
ReplyDeleteYeah, Stacy and Clinton would NOT be down with SJP's potato sack dress. What is that all about? Hated it!
ReplyDeleteMatthew Broderick said everyone asks him if it is his day off... I would expect they'd ask if he'd fed his wife her oats today. *rim shot*
ReplyDeleteWhat about Charleeeeeeeeze Theron's dress? Hello sticky bun boobies!?!?
All of that being said, I didn't even watch the effin' Oscars. =)
Robin: I think Jeff could out-dude that little rodent any day, only in a less annoying manner. :)
ReplyDeleteAura.: You're right! Her hair looked sort of like an afterthought. Did you see Meryl Streep? Her dress looked like a bathrobe and her hair looked like she'd slept in it.
Jules: She just looked like a bean pole. I don't get it. She's so damn petite yet she just disappeared under that thing.
Cheeks: Hahahaha! Poor SJP. I think she's a nice lady, I really do, but her fashion choices are way odd to me. Still that's the point really, being yourself. I'm just not sure who she IS.
Totally agree on Bridges.
ReplyDeleteYou always make me laugh! This time it was The Dude... I spent most of the night trying to figure out what was so familiar about Jeff Bridges, and that was it! Shiva Sabbat!
ReplyDeleteIn case you didn't catch it, Jimmy Kimmel's show after was very funny, and there was a great presentation that I thought you'd especially appreciate:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/133031/jimmy-kimmel-live-der-humpink
Enjoy!
Miss B: Hahaha, I thought you'd give me a talking to about dissing SJP.
ReplyDeleteAnnie: Thank you, lady-duderino! :) Although I notice your link is Hulu so blood might be shed...
Good old SJP. She seems to be going out of her way to look like she smokes 3 packs a day, nice nicotine tinge to the foundation.
ReplyDeleteI personally liked the "Kanye moment" early on in the short doco section where the black guy was all excited and giving his speech and some obnoxious incoherent grandma jumped up pushed him out of the way and went on and on and on until the music chimed in. On second thoughts maybe it was Kanye in drag?
I really wanted to read this whole post but the picture of Sarah Jessica Parker threw me off.
ReplyDeleteOn a related note, what's the best way to clean vomit out of a keyboard?
Next year I shall win an oscar for a moose movie.
ReplyDeletei don't roll on the sabbath.
ReplyDeleteI happen to be one of the few people I know that actually likes SJP, but I have to say she looked like a drag queen that climbed out of bed after a randy session of sexy time, wrapped herself in the sheet, and forgot to brush her nappy "I just got pounded" hair.
ReplyDeleteAs for Maggie: while the print on that dress makes me want to slap a big straw hat on my head and do the conga, at least it fits. She usually wears clothes my grandmother would wear to her hypocrite church group meetings. You know, with the material for the boobs hanging down around the waist?
I love that man and I LOVE that movie. "Also, my rug was stolen."
I also did not like SJP's dress and thought the make up was a bit heavy.
ReplyDeleteI missed Jeff Bridges speech unfortunately.
I like Maggie G's dress because it wasn't the usual frilly thing, and I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
I really liked Sandra Bullock's dress, mmm...shiny.
I think Bridges has a good look going there with the Colonel Sanders (KFC guy) Civil War era facial hair. Maybe I'll try to grow that on a 3 day weekend?
ReplyDeletedollar.store.candle = genius.
ReplyDeleteBah! I didn't even bother watching it. Wanna know what I watched instead?
ReplyDeleteHmm?
HMM??
"Mannequin."
Yes, "Mannequin."
Kim Cattrall playing a dummy. Much better than the Oscars.
heehee, "dollar store candle"!
ReplyDeleteHow bout SJP's spray tan against Ferris' pastey whiteness? BLEHK. They looked like a creamsicle.
ReplyDeleteRusty: Poor SJP. She was interviewed on one of the pre Oscar shows and close up it was horrendous. I know they want their make up to last all night but honestly, applying with a trowel is not the way to go. In my original long post I talked about the "kanye moment" as well. :) What was that woman ON? The stage that's what. Where she shouldn't have been.
ReplyDeleteMoooooog: Poor Sarah. I have nothing against her either, I just wish I understood her baffling appearance. Burn that keyboard, dude.
P: Hahaha! Touche.
Ms. OWO: I loved "Crazy Heart" too so I was happy to see Jeff win with his crazy stoned self. I love me some Jeff also. And I agree about Maggie, the fit was great and suited and flattered her. The pattern was a bit non-Oscarsy though, yes. Absolutely. And yeah she and Chloe Sevigny should hang out in their granny clothes. Scary women.
Melissa: I liked Maggie's dress too I just thought it was very un-Oscarsy which I guess is fine. She looked good in it though. It just seemed out of place there.
Eric: Yes! He was so KFC with that facial arrangement. I doubt the Colonel was that high ever but maybe he should've been.
Jenny: She does though, no?
Cora: Oh dear. :) Mannequin, huh. I haven't seen that in a long time.
Soda: I know you agree. All she was missing was the wick.
Buffster: Hahahaha! I know. She looked like someone had just dragged her there from "Jersey Shore" and he looked like a pasty, middle aged geography teacher. :)
ReplyDeleteGrrr, this is my second attempt at posting this comment (dammit veg, you're making me work harder than I intended to):
ReplyDeleteGood observation on the Jeff Bridges/Dude morphing thing. It only makes him that much better in my book.
Also...
Leave Peter Sarsgaard alllooonnnnee!
*Sobs uncontrollably like Chris Crocker*
I thought everyone looked beautiful and everyone deserves all the awards and everyone's appropriately tanned and kudos to all.
ReplyDelete*snorts another line of prozac*
J: Haha, yes, I set it up just to fuck with you, J. :) As for Peter S., he's ok and can be quite charming but it's just in recent years he just creeps me out. I wasn't sure at first then I saw "An Education" and well...he could not BE more creepy in that movie if he was walking around naked in it rubbing his berries on passers by. I love Jeff though. He rocks.
ReplyDeleteSteamy: You saved me from telling you to keep taking the meds. Actually, you should put down the straw or you might lose your Steaminess! That would suck.
I truly, truly hope that Jeff Bridges has morphed into a worldlier version of the dude. I'd much rather him be The Dude than the guy in Crazy Heart. Although, I never thought he would encompass another role quite like The Dude but I was happy to say that he definitely did in Crazy Heart.
ReplyDeleteLoved the dress commentary. I'd much rather see you discuss what they are wearing instead of effing mummified Joan Rivers and her soul-sucking progeny.
This is the first year in I-Don't-Know-How-Many-Years that I did not watch the Oscars. Sounds like I missed some good stuff. (Hopefully there were some cool ranch doritos in the swag bag...for Jeff Bridges' sake...)
ReplyDeleteLola: Yeah, I think he really BECAME The Dude and the same with Bad in Crazy Heart. Totally believable. I think where Bad was a disillusioned alcoholic, Jeff is merely a "I'm at the Oscars and I'm getting high!" type. :) Either way, he's awesome. One of, if not my all time, favourite actor.
ReplyDeleteBrutalism: He was whooping it up and grinning insanely and he must've said "man" about fifty times in three minutes. I was howling with laughter just because he looked so....stoned. Also Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were a big improvement on the usual hosting turns. BIG improvement. And actually funny.
ReplyDeleteBest. wrap-up. ever.
ReplyDeleteOne can't fail with a Big Lebowski ending, right? :)
ReplyDeletePeter Sarsgaard proves my theory about the superior creepiness of pear shaped men.
ReplyDeleteSJP was being choked by her own gown and at the same time channeling Barbra Streisand a la On a Clear Day You Can See Forever. Cuckoo!
I demand a copy of your thesis on pear shaped men immediately! Because I have a feeling you might have nailed some genetic defect and I must know about it. As for SJP/Barbra - hahahaha! Holy crap.
ReplyDeleteSJP is a horse faced horse face!
ReplyDeletewtf I have been so shocked by how old jeff bridges is/looks. I thought he was like 40 hah. I dont know what I was thinking but it seems like he aged 50 years overnight.
Well he IS sixty now you know. :) And the beard makes him look it. Still has that evil smile though...
ReplyDelete