People need to stop asking me if I’m Irish. They need to stop asking me every St. Patrick’s Day “Are you excited? Are you celebrating tonight? Does it make you homesick?” Because people, I am NOT Irish. Not even a little bit. Quit that. I might be a pasty, strawberry blonde type who is allergic to the Sun and talks funny, but I’m not Irish. I like cabbage and potatoes, but I am not Irish. I have never set foot in Ireland. I have no Irish relatives even. Do I have an Irish accent? No, I do not.
Still, I wish you all a very happy St. Patrick’s Day if you are celebrating, even though it’s not even a real holiday in America. It’s just an excuse to get drunk, wear a silly green hat and kiss strangers while trying not to puke in your handbag, all in the name of a country a huge fuckload of you, like me, have never set foot in and certainly weren’t born in.
See, on St. Pat’s Day suddenly everyone is Irish. But it’s a fallacy, boys and girls. It just isn’t true. There’s an easy equation you can use to determine if you are Irish or not. Although there are some grey areas, for the most part, it goes like this:
If you were born in America, you’re American.
If your parents are both born in Ireland and you were born in America, you’re American-Irish.
If your parents were born in America of Irish descent they’re American and you are even MORE American.
You cannot claim to be Irish if you have never, in your life been to Ireland. Even if you’re entitled to a little passport that says so, because your parents were born there. That’s merely technical.
It’s pretty easy.
Americans have a confusing relationship with nationality. Everyone’s Irish, or German, or Scottish, or Italian or whatever. But most of you are not. Your ancestors might be. Your parents or grandparents might be. But if you were born in America, you’re AMERICAN. There’s nothing wrong with being American. Get over it. Celebrate it. Appreciate it. It’s strong. It’s valuable. It’s wonderful. It’s your home.
So go and parade and drink green Guinness and have a good time. Go celebrate your ancestors or your family’s ancestral homeland or celebrate just because you like Guinness or Irish whiskey or leprechauns or kissing strangers in the street at closing time. You don’t need to be Irish. It's really ok.
You all hate me now don’t you? I totally stuck that to you without mercy. It’s ok though. The truth only makes you stronger. Honest. And not being Irish doesn’t make you a lesser person.
What else can I insult you with now? Oh yes, you should all know that the whisky that matters has no “e” in it.
Flame on, good buddies.
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So. People have nudged me about my total ineptness at updating this thing and they are correct. It's just, I don't have a life reall...
Ha ha, so true. I was griping to myself about very similar things this morning. So preach on, sister!
ReplyDeleteI bitch about it every year, Beckster. It's a tradition. Like St. Patrick's Day. :)
ReplyDeleteHa! I always thought it was the only holiday where sexual harassment was legal! Does this mean I can't boycott green on St. Paddy's day again?
ReplyDeleteYou go Veg!
ReplyDeleteAnd while you're at it, you can let EVERYONE in the US know that I HAVE NEVER MET their distant aunty / uncle/ granny whoever, just because they visited Scotland once, and I live here all the time.
Hey, you can do whatever you want! I boycott it most of the time as it makes my skin look funny. I'm all FOR celebrations and I have nothing against St. Patrick's Day or Irish people. I just have ISSUES with the whole ignoring your true identity thing. Hell, I just have issues, period. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat about people raised in the US by FOBs?http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=F.O.B.
ReplyDeleteDoes that count for anything? Maybe we can equate that to what American kids in US compounds abroad experience.
Perhaps this was a far too technical and serious question for a drinking holiday?
If it's not Scottish, it's crap.
ReplyDeleteMacy: Hahahaha! This is funny because I have been there. :) NO I do not know your uncle Johnny. There are 4 million of us, fucker.
ReplyDeleteMb: You know, when I was writing this furiously a few minutes ago, I thought this same thing. It's not black and white, what about military kids born abroad etc. as well as immigrants and I have no concrete answers. However, regarding immigration, I think you move to a country, you get nationalized and you have a passport of that country then it's the same deal. You're TECHNICALLY a citizen. But say a Chinese person moving to America, gets citizenship and becomes a technical American. They have the same rights you do. But are they still Chinese? To me, yes they are. They will always be Chinese. I'm not talking about technicalities I'm talking about birth rights. Or something. Fuck me, I don't know. I'm not deep. :)
I'm proud to be an AMERICAN! Yatta yatta.
ReplyDeleteI've already done my St. Pat's partying. I'm good.
Today I saw two people wearing things that said "Kiss me, I'm Irish". You know what fuckers? If that were true, you wouldn't have to bothering soliciting. The accent alone would take care of it.
Kat: Fucking true. Actually, it should be "If it's Scottish, RUN!"
ReplyDeleteMs. OWO: See, that's what I'm talking about really. Having a great uncle who was from Dublin does not make you Irish. :) Good for you Auntie Sam.
argh1 I was traumatised by this holiday one year on the school bus... everyone kept pinching me 'cause I was wearing red... my hair!!!
ReplyDeletedamn primary school brats!
*grumble*
*grumble*
*grumble*
(but it is a good excuse to go out and listen to some damn fine music!)
Every St. Pat's Day, you piss on everyone's fun. I AM IRISH!!! POGUE MAHONE!! MY ANCESTORS WERE PIG FARMERS AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!
ReplyDeleteNow I need a drink.
Cris: Hahaha, you are right about the music for sure. Kick those redhead naysayers in the nuts.
ReplyDeleteBeck: Haha! YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING BITCH. You are not fucking Irish you're AMERICAN. Bite me. :)
I am 100% American, but people ask me all the time if I'm Irish (meaning "of Irish decent") because I have red hair and love Guinness and I get pissed off! My people are from England! We oppress the Irish and we like it!!!
ReplyDeleteAs a funny aside, tonight Liz and I are singing some Irish songs at a St. Patty's party and I forbade her from choosing any songs which slag off the English. She didn't like that very much. The English win again!
wow, you are strict. MY GRANDMOTHER WAS FROM IRELAND!!!! SHE EVEN HAD (dyed) RED HAIRS!!! ON HER HEAD! MY NAME IS IN AN IRISH BIBLE IN IRELAND WRITTEN BY AN IRISH PERSON, IRISHLY!
ReplyDeletei have to pretend i'm irish because it bugs the shit outta chuck when i say it. in fact, did you two collaborate on this post. he could've written every angry word.
i'm californian (even though i've lived in texas ferrever) (i hate it here) (a lot).
Hahaha, Red. "We oppress the Irish and we like it" is going to be my favourite saying of the day. Even though I'm not English nor of English descent. It's just plain hilarious.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you should all check out Red and Liz's ST. Pat's ode to Guinness HERE.
Becky: See there's nothing wrong with saying you're of Irish ancestry. Or celebrating it. I just object to everyone saying they're Irish when they're AMERICAN or CANADIAN or whatever. And yes, Chuck and I had a pact just to wind you up. High five, Chuck!
ReplyDeleteHaha. You have just reminded me of a brief post in the blog of a Scottish girl at my last blogging site, which I kept because I felt it deserved preserving.
ReplyDeleteWhy does this keep happening?
posted 01/26/08
‘Excuse me. Are you Irish?’
‘No.’
‘Oh. My husband is Irish and he wanted to hear what the accent sounds like.’
Damn Americans. If you don't know what an Irish accent is, then I'm pretty sure you’re not really Irish.
I'll grant you the great unwashed masses have no concept of the difference between nationality and ethnicity/ancestry. Nonetheless, it's perfectly okay in this lovely bag o' mixed nuts we call the Yew Ess of Ay to refer to oneself proudly as Irish or Scottish or German or Lithuanian because of one's ancestry. So, ya crankeh Scot, ya kin piss in summa else's Guinness cos ah kinna stand the stuff. An' now ah've sed me piece, ah'll wish ya ah guid efternuin! Fecking crankeh Scots ...
ReplyDeletewith you on the no 'e' whisky ... and the being from where you were born ... I hate Guiness unless it is mixed with champagne...
ReplyDeletexxx
Simon: And it's true. I get it all the time. I'm going to get a t-shirt one day with a map on it that points to Ireland and Scotland and says "TWO DIFFERENT COUNTRIES, FUCKERS". :)
ReplyDeleteDame N: Hahaha. Was that your Dick Van Dyke impression? It's about as Scottish as Groundskeeper Willie, i.e., NOT at all. But in all seriousness, it's great to celebrate your heritage. But you're STILL AMERICAN, DEAL WITH IT. :)
Lulu: In all honesty, I hate whiskey OR whisky, it's nasty, nasty stuff, even malt. I am really a bad ambassador of Scotland. :(
ReplyDeleteSomeone asked me today if I was Irish because I was getting a jade green pedicure. I had totally forgotten that it was St. Patrick's Day, in my conscious mind at any rate.
ReplyDeleteYour nails, however, were all, "WE ARE CELEBRATING TONIGHT, MAMA!" Even your subconscious is up with the trends. Not fair.
ReplyDeleteIt amazed me when I moved to the UK (England to be precise) that the English celebrate the Irish patron saint's day far more widely than they do the English St George!
ReplyDeleteYeah, dude, no one celebrates St. George. We Scots used to celebrate St. Andrew's Day but it was all bagpipes and kilts and whisky and stuff like that and now no one cares. I'd say Americans celebrate St. Pat's day more than the Irish do.
ReplyDeleteSo, technically, I'm French Canadian-American.
ReplyDeleteI'm not Irish, nor have I claimed to be. But, I do like beer, but hate crowds. So, I guess I drink alone - wow...I guess I have a drinking problem. Wow...this post has brought me down :-) (only kidding about the drinking problem)
Today is the 1st time I've cooked corned beef and don't get the attraction - boiled meat that turns gray/pink - hmmmm....I like seared meat.
Okay, I think I've rambled enough.
Hey, bet you miss Beaker's singing...
Dude, I cry myself to sleep at night, I miss him so much. You French Canadian-Americans are hardcore.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, well maybe I can get some Lucky Charms(tm) from a pasty, strawberry blonde type this SPD?
ReplyDeleteI said S *P* D...
Eric: Oh you are one hip mofo, boy. Check you out all abbreviatin' and shit. :) If you want lucky charms, go catch a leprechaun. They're easy to catch as they're usually shitfaced.
ReplyDeleteI'm 1/4 Irish and live in England. As a tradition I go out every year and drink the required amount of Guinness needed to get a Guinness st pats day hat. This year I went to 3 pubs and had 3 pints of Guinness only to ind out that they weren't doing the hats. When I finally found somewhere that was I had to drink 4 pints... So in total I've had 7 pints of Guinness and got a hay wooo! Thank god for predictive text on the iPhone. Just got home and looking forward to a bit of sleep. Oh... I'd like to mention, Guinness is not nice.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm American, but I couldn't resist wearing a little green and having some corned beef and cabbage for lunch with friends. I didn't have the Guiness, though!
ReplyDeleteNah, not Dick Van Dyke (who's about as Scottish as little wooden shoes and windmills) ... more like Shrek (again, not authentic, but it was the best I could do being American and all).
ReplyDeleteI'm Irish and nothing you can say will change that.
ReplyDeleteDeal with it.
Oh, and top of the morning to ye.
You go Scots girl! Right behind you. Roll on 30th November.
ReplyDeleteMarti: I'm all for celebrating for whatever reason so you go on with your bad English 1/4 Irish self. And you are right. Guinness is not nice. It's like beer and flat Coke mixed. Sort of...
ReplyDeleteEva: I'd be interested in anything you post after a few glasses of Guinness, woman. :)
Dame: I meant that accent was the equivalent of Dick's attempts at a Cockney. :) Shrek actually pulled the accent off not TOO badly with the occasional blooper.
Dan: Uh huh. Top of the morning to you too. Or evening as it is here now. Top of that.
Madame: I remember we used to get a holiday on November 30th. I liked it as it's the day after my birthday therefore, it was a week of hilarity for me.
One of my students walked in today, proudly wearing all green and said, "Cheer-io!"
ReplyDelete;)
Today is my mom's birthday. Are you saying that doesn't make me half Irish?
ReplyDeleteMy Dad's side of the family is totally Irish but I don't think of myself as Irish. They were also shoe makers but I don't think of myself as cobbler girl either. On my mum's side of the family they were banjo playing, cousin lovers (very small Swedish village apparently), and I really, really don't want to embrace that part of Swedish culture. I don't even own a banjo. Thank god they came to Australia and expanded the gene pool or we'd all be running around munching meatballs, with 2 heads, and fifteen toes.
ReplyDeleteDamn straight girl, you tell 'em!
ReplyDeleteWhat would we do on a national holiday where everyone was pretending to be Scottish? (If it was Aussie, it'd still be drinking, just without the green food coloring.)
Hmmm, so only one of my parents was from Ireland - does that make me American-Irish-ish LOL? And funny enough, my other parent is from Boston, but not of Irish descent in any way. Oh, and Guinness tastes terrible, but I do love me some corned beef and cabbage!!
ReplyDeleteI lived in Belfast for a short time and three different people said to me some variation of "You're American? I assumed you were Canadian."
ReplyDeleteWTF?
I have no idea whether 1) that's a compliment or 2) what it is about me that says hmmm....Canadian.
Either way, boys followed me home.
Honestly, I didn't even know it was St. Patrick's Day until almost noon. I probably have a touch of Irish in my mutt blood, but never have I yearned for green beer. I don't hate you, I take my hat off to you for telling it like it is.
ReplyDeleteElly: I think that makes you uh...totally batshit insane Irish, yes. :)
ReplyDeleteRusty: But just think of the blog fodder you'd have with THAT family! Nothing like a spot of inbreeding to produce hilarity. Look at Prince Philip over in England.
Soda: It'd be the same but the drunks would be less good natured... Less kissing strangers and more headbutting.
Pook: American-Irish with a bad food fetish! :) Although cabbage I enjoy a lot. Corned beef not so much. But you go with it.
Shieldmaiden: Haha. Maybe it's payback for all the times Americans assume they're Southern Irish? Americans and me even though I know better. It's all Ireland to me, even the United Kingdom bit. (Sorry Northern Ireland)
Melissa: Green beer is just unappetizing. No one wants to drink a pint of snot. Beer needs to not be green. Ever. If it's green it's radioactive.
ReplyDeleteJules: Oops I missed you totally, WTF? Cheerio is more British than Irish I'd say but hell what do I know? Cheerio to you too m'dear.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't agree with this more - apart from the bit about the whiskEy... ;)
ReplyDeleteWait...I'm NOT French?!
ReplyDeleteWow.
Finding out that I'm FINALLY not a pussy is a real eye opener.
Off to beat someone up! Thanks Veg!
Oh dear lord, YES YES YES! I've written along these lines myself a while back but I'm loving this so much that I'm going to save it and email it to every jackass that wrongly tries to tell me they are anything other than American -- even though they all drop the fake nationality on the 4th of July (which is when I make it a point to wear my Union Jack t-shirt). Personally, I hadn't even HEARD of St. Patrick's Day before I moved to the States. While we're on our mutual pet peeves, can we make it legal to shoot the ignorant tossers who say "Is that a British accent?" (And, Jules, "cheerio" means "goodbye", not "hullo" ... *smile*)
ReplyDeleteJude: I thought about you when I wrote this. I thought you were the only genuine Irish person I knew in Blogland. As far as I know anyway. :) Hahaha, WHISKEY! Actually they're both vile to me. I'm a tequila girl.
ReplyDeleteMoooooog: Hahaha! Those poor French. I'm so happy to be of assistance, man. Really.
DJ: What's wrong with the British accent thing? Apart from the fact it's way too general. It IS technically correct. It's just that most people should surely be able to tell an English or Welsh or Scottish accent apart. No? I mean they're so different. And different REGIONS of those countries are so different. A Manchester accent is NOT like a Liverpool accent for example, even though they're right next to each other geographically and it astounds me when people can't tell that they just don't sound the same. Maybe we're just used to millions of regional accents more? I mean any Brit can tell different English accents apart, if not the others. Having said that, most English people I know can't decipher Glasgow and Edinburgh which sound entirely different.
I drank a pint of Guinness once...surely that makes me a bit Irish...
ReplyDeleteYes. Yes it does. It makes you honourary Irish I think but you have to check with Judearoo further up who is my Irish consultant.
ReplyDeleteIts kinda like how I'm from Waco so people just automatically associate me with the Branch Dividians. Or I dunno... That's probably not right. I don't know anymore. As long as I can drink the beer.
ReplyDeleteSince you put it that way...Now I don't know whether my parents were drunks or liars.
ReplyDeleteI never go out on St. Patty's day because people get too drunk and stupid. And when I say 'people', I mean me.
ReplyDeleteYa, you might be right (think Grainne Maguire is too, donno if you're acquainted).
ReplyDeleteTo be honest some of it is a mystery to us too.
1) Whats all this about pinching people? No pinching occurs in Ireland, at least not in relation to the man himself
2) We dont eat corned beef - its all about bacon and cabbage (well it isnt, but it used to be)
3) We never say Cherrio - thats British
4) We dont dye stuff green and as for all that putting shamrock squiggles in your pint.. WTF?!
5) And this for me is the big one - Its not St PaTTy's day, its St PaDDy's day. 'Patty' is what burgers are made from.
Ive cousins in NY who are 3rd generation Irish American and make a big song and dance about wearing Aran sweaters and being smothered in green on Paddy's day. Its all a bit twee for my liking.
Suppose its nice that people view us in a friendly manner but it is a little odd too. I mean St Patrick himself wasn't actually Irish...
Whatever you say, Vegetable O'Ssassin.
ReplyDeleteSee what I did there? Yeah, I totally made you Irish.
That just happened.
i am an american. with irish ancestors. but i once visited canada. i've also stepped foot into sweden, brazil, wyoming, and nebraska. i am also still drunk from st. patty's day.
ReplyDelete... because "British accent" is born of American laziness. We are being assigned a group accent when we are from different countries with strong ancestral pride. I don't know a single (Northern) Irish person who refers to themselves as being British. Nor do I know anybody from Sweden (for example) who says they have a European accent. I may be the exception here, but I don't know anybody from Britain or Europe or Australia or South America who uses the term! Unless you are the exception to my exception. :) You'll note that Americans do NOT like being told they have a "CanMex accent" ... which could be technically correct since it's all the same body of land. *grin*
ReplyDeleteI think Americans identify with their ancestry because we're such a big country and such a diverse one. European countries are much more homogeneous, and so it's not as big an issue. So there!
ReplyDeleteOh, and despite that, I was kind of with you up until you made that unspeakably bad comment about whiskey. If I want to eat peat, I'll have whisky. If I want a delicious drink, I'll have whiskey :)
Carissa: Haha yes, you and David Koresh are best buddies surely? :)
ReplyDeleteCandy: Oh dear. I hope I have't put a giant wedge of resentment in the family of Mr. and Mrs. Candy? :)
Living Shallow: And for some reason I hope there is video evidence of this.
Jude: There you go. Most of this I would have said if I'd been bright enough. Yes, it's St. Paddy's - St. Patty's makes me go "WTF?" too. I didn't know about the pinching though. I don't like any made up tradition about pinching! That's barbaric, dude. People should stop that immediately. Actually, I do read Grainne's site, so there! I totally forgot. I have TWO Irish people, even though she doesn't know me at all.
Miss Y: HA! Fuck, how come I missed O'ssassin? I want to have written that, bitch! That is magical.
Claire: You're a mess woman. It's those blue covered tampons isn't it?
DJ: I think basically it's just said because they know you have a UK accent but beyond that can't tell you which one, so British is safe. It's probably the same as saying an "Australian" accent when I'm sure Oz has several different accents within it (Soda, Rusty help me out here?) but the hell if I can tell them apart therefore all I can tell is they're Australian. But I'd be shocked if an American couldn't tell an English accent from a Scottish one. I mean that's bizarre to me. Those are not even similar.
Words: I think America's a relatively young country with less known history so people identify with their ancestral lands to give themselves that. And immigrants are young too. Within a few generations. But I stand by it for the majority of cases: If you were born in America and grew up here, you're American. Oh and if you want a delicious drink, have a Pepsi - all whiskies are nasty.:) I wsa just being loyal to Scotch malt. I can't drink it or Irish whiskey.
I stayed away from the Coke/Pepsi thing because I like you and I didn't want to pile on in your choice of beverage.
ReplyDeleteBut Coke Is It!
I know you are a Coke man. But for the sake of this example, I meant Pepsi/Coke. I meant a beverage with a pleasing taste and not whisky/whiskey. :)
ReplyDeleteEven though you are clearly wrong, have always been wrong and will always be wrong about Coke. The end. Ha!!!
Oh God. I get that every St P's Day too. People, just because I have flaming red hair and the complexion of a polar bear doesn't mean I'm Irish!!!!
ReplyDeleteIf you must know, my ancestors were English, Welsh, and French Romany Gypsies. Yes, gypsies. With the dark hair, dark skin, caravans, and the lot! Somehow we morphed into Leprechaun-looking folk I guess, I dunno.
very true, yet i am one of the people who goes around claiming to be irish. because, like, my great-grandparents were from ireland. i'm an idiot, i know.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you're not any part Irish? (jk)
ReplyDeleteBack in high school I had someone ask me if I was full blood Vietnamese, meaning are all my ancestors Vietnamese. I said yes... only to realize a few years later that my grandfather on my mom's side of the family wasn't Asian. I felt pretty stupid for not knowing my family, but I've never met the man and people rarely talk about him. So then I like to pretend I've got some French blood in me. I figured that would explain my love for cheese.
award for you on my blog!
ReplyDeleteCora: I know, pale pasty people are naturally Irish. :) Apparently. It's funny because both my Irish friends are dark and brown eyed.
ReplyDeleteAladdinsane: Hahahaha, can I point at you and laugh? I wouldn't really since it's you and all. But I like to strike fear in your green semi-Irish heart. :)
P: Hahaha, I love that you got a cheese gene from your one non Vietnamese relative. I never really thought about it, but cheese isn't a huge Asian food really is it? :)
Claire: OH! I am going to look, lady. It better not be for something mean.
It's about time someone said it.. good on you.
ReplyDeleteRock on America.. from someone of distant British decent
We just needed a green holiday, ok? That's the whole reason. No more no less. Christmas was red AND green. Valentine's day was red. Mother's Day pink, Father's Day a sort of tasteful taupe, Independence Day was RW&B, Halloween black&orange, Thanksgiving brown&orange, and what the hey. No green holiday.
ReplyDeleteThere absolutely needed to be a green holiday, so they looked around, and somebody said "The Irish are green." And sure enough, they were.
That's the story of how an obscure saint )from a mild-mannered Emerald Isle off the coast of another even milder-mannered island off the coast of the most ill-mannered continent) got his feast day co-opted by the big holiday making conglomerate and turned into our Official Green Holiday...all for the sake of a different kind of green.
St. Patrick wasn't even Irish himself! He was a Pict, or something.
You know I apologize, I didn't have the chance to read through every one of the previous comments. That's what I get for happening along way late! But I hope I'm not just repeating stuff others have already said.
Dog: Well, thank goodness for logic. It's all about representing the rainbow. Only not in the gay pride way (that's been done). :)
ReplyDeleteAhhh....well I actually was born in Ireland, to Irish parents...moved to the USA as a baby, grew up here and became an American citizen at 15...I even have a Yankee accent...however, I am pasty, freckled and have bright red hair and blue eyes. Define me, please!
ReplyDeleteI hear ya, people love telling me how Irish they are. Personally, I find it flattering that they all just want to be like me so badly!
Ciaran: Now this makes you Irish and also American. But primarily you ARE Irish as you were born there and your folks are Irish. You're also technically American since you probably have US citizenship and the accent. But you get to say you're Irish without me laughing at you. :) Well done!
ReplyDelete