Ha, you guys, welcome to September, which seems like a big old ball of excrement to me because for the most part, I had next to no summer with lots of rain and now it's almost over and I'm still white as a ghost and full of the crank. Pretty soon winter will be thundering into town again, about as welcome as a foul-mouthed, old, racist aunt who smells like rolling tobacco, lavender and Michael Bolton's jock-strap. Thanks a LOT, winter.
It's especially pout-inducing, as I had to hear, daily, about how most of you people spent this summer boiling in the centre of the Sun and were practically expiring from the oppression of surviving in the fiery pits of hell, with your, "GROAN, it's just TOOOOO hot to do anything!" and your, "Please send us some rain!" and BOO HOO HOO, you fuckers, man up and shut up.
No, I'm not bitter. What made you think that? Sniff. I LIKE rain.
Anyway, I'm getting a little sunshine this week at least, so I will turn into a sappy old hippy and scatter daisies in my wake and sing that "Age of Aquarius" song and be generally as happy as a sprinkle of ice cold unicorn sweat on a hot afternoon.
I heard unicorns sweat gin and tonic, is that true?
I also found the perfect merging of ingredients to make frozen strawberry margaritas that are restaurant quality. Seriously. They are that good. So they have been icing down my mood and icing down my toe, simultaneously. Isn't that nice? Even my giant, deformed sausage-toe agrees. In fact, it suggests it needs its medicine daily. I wouldn't argue with deformed sausage-toe, because it ALWAYS knows best. Pass the tequila.
Now if only it would fit back in a shoe...
Tequila coming...good quality...smooth flavor! I hear ya!
ReplyDeleteExcellent news! I knew you'd come through, Momma. Wanna join me in a few?
ReplyDeleteWish I were close by and could toss back a couple with you!
ReplyDeleteI wonder how the unicorns would feel about a girl in desperate need of a drink licking their hindquarters?
ReplyDeleteThat's a great endorsement for a Strawberry Daquari.
ReplyDeleteNow I want one.
I think Unicorns sweat sparkly pudding.
ReplyDeleteThat toe is a lush
ReplyDeleteif you ride a unicorn backwards while drinking tequila and singing the "Cisco Kid" your toe will stop throbbing. Seriously if you could do all that, you would be a youtube hit.
ReplyDeleteUnicorns also poo glitter. So know you know where that stuff comes from. You're welcome!
ReplyDeleteThat's the best description of winter I've ever read!
ReplyDeleteSorry you've had a rotten summer. Will join you in a slurp to make you feel better.
I visited Seattle a couple of weeks ago and I swear to God the leaves are already changing on their trees. I had a mini panic attack when I saw it 'cuz I know Winter is just around the corner. NOOOOOOOOO!
ReplyDeleteI loathe Winter mainly because I loathe sleeves. I wanna wear my tank tops outside year round, dammit!!!!
It rained here all summer too. But honestly? I didn't really want to stain the fence and deck, because I'm really lazy. So I didn't mind the rain. Now it's sunny, and at least it will be nice and cool while we're (sigh) staining the deck and fence.
ReplyDeleteYou think you've had problems! I hate hot days and despise cold and/or wet days. There are, in fact, no days days on which I feel the weather is just right.
ReplyDeleteI haven't even got any beer to help.
Eva: Now THAT would be fun! :)
ReplyDeleteVixen: Well I think it all depends on the unicorn because some of those things are perverts...
Candy: Oddly enough I was just considering daiquiris for this weekend. Now it seems almost written in stone! Thanks!
JUST ME: Sparkly pudding, huh? That explains a lot. Except, holy Jesus, that must get STICKY! And scratchy. :)
Ed: Correct. It's the toe. The toe is a lush. :)
Lisle: Call me cynical, L., but I think you're trying to make me look like a tool. Well I won't fall for it Mister. And I didn't try it so there. Not more than once anyway...
Wynn: So they sweat sparkly pudding and the poo glitter? Holy shit, no wonder those things are mythical. You can't survive long as a species with THOSE specs!
Trish: Deal. Now you're talking!
Cora: I think you might be in the wrong city for THAT, lady. Enjoy that Chicago winter now, won't you? :)
Stephanie: NS had a rainy summer? That sucks! I thought the whole east coast of North America had a hot, sweaty time! DRINKS FOR YOU!
Martin: Well. You really do have a predicament don't you? That's brutal, man! All weather is trying to kill you AND you have no beer. Jesus.... Could the BBC organize a telethon for you or something?
Did you say margaritas?
ReplyDeleteI did! You in? :)
ReplyDeleteYou know I am going to need that recipe, right?
ReplyDeletePenny: Of course! Check your inbox, mistress.
ReplyDeleteAnd, nominated for best line ever in a blog post.....
ReplyDeletePretty soon winter will be thundering into town again, about as welcome as a foul-mouthed, old, racist aunt who smells like rolling tobacco, lavender and Michael Bolton's jock-strap.
Oh alcohol how I miss thee. You can come live in TX with me if you want. Enjoy this record breaking heat wave.
ReplyDeleteClicking off here. THe vision of Michael Bolton's jock strap was just too much. :)
ReplyDeleteSausage-toe was single handedly responsible for me visiting and exiting your blog within a few second of each other. -Which, I'd like to point out, has never happened before.
ReplyDeleteWhile I fully support you lapping up the unicorn sweat, I won't have you disparaging old racist aunts everywhere like that - they're my favourite thing, okay, the smell has got to go but otherwise...
ReplyDeletePlease tell me you really don't know what Michael Bolton's jock-strap smells like...
ReplyDeleteAnd Mongo say tequila good!
I keep waiting for you to paint your toe in the same color block style you paint Airstreams. I know this is going to happen.
ReplyDeleteMartini: Well, it's true, no? I think so! :)
ReplyDeleteAmanda: I WOULD trade. Heat doesn't bother me so much as NO WEATHER AT ALL. Gah. No alcohol though? Are you sure? Frozen fruity alcoholic beverages are the CURE for heat. Surely.
Gen: I aim to nauseate. My job here is done.
Miss Gunny: Similar! I like to put you off your dinner. It's like a challenge!
Dale: Put down the absinthe young man. But you're right of course. They also smell like methane and old, rotting strawberries.
Skypop: I'll never tell. Well maybe for the right bribe...
Words: Who says it hasn't already? Hmmm? Maybe all my toes are different colours? Huh?
Age of Aquarius always works for me too. Especially with my new loud seventies dress (Hey, at least I'm clothed) Restaurant quality cocktails - you found the secret to life!
ReplyDeleteMs. Weekend: Hahaha, you're right, that dress would fit right in! I can see you prancing all over the beach, barefoot singing it, with flowers in your hair. :)
ReplyDeleteI HATE SEPTEMBER, VEGETABLE ASSASSIN!
ReplyDeleteWait. I don't remember hating previous Septembers. Maybe it's just this September.
My god! I had no idea you'd met my Aunt Patsy! She's something, isn't she?
ReplyDeleteEff rain in the ahole. I think this may be the last weekend we get to swim. It was 50 degrees this morning. I could cry.
Dog: Yeah, THIS September blows. How was that, was I sympathetic enough there?
ReplyDeleteMs. OWO: Hahaha, oops, hi aunt Patsy! I hear you though. 50 degrees is no way to end a summer. Isn't it supposed to segue slowly and neatly into Fall?
Im with you on the big ball of excrement summer. I really feel some jolly bugger owes me a week in Hawaii to make up for it. Now who would that be?
ReplyDeleteWell, I have no idea, but if you find him, once he's given you YOUR week in Hawaii, please send him over to me so he can cough up mine. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat I hate, more than anything, is my giant, deformed sausage-toe disagreeing with a carefully prepared margarita. Of course, there's a certain irony in that statement...
ReplyDeleteWhen the sausage-toe attacks the margarita, it hurts itself, and ultimately sausagifies. Likewise when the magarita strikes the toe.
Listen, if you need a new set of margarita glasses just shout.
Hey there Mo! And yes. Toes interfering with drinks? Please. It can not be allowed to happen. Also, you can NEVER have too many margarita glasses! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is completely inappropriate, but it's me here, so you can always delete this comment because the t word, even when it's written give some people the willies. But, apparently during my huge summer kick off BBQ my friend decided that the unicorn was such an amazing magical animal that it needed a drink. And therefore Magical Unicorn Tities was born. I really wish I could remember what went in there. But perhaps that is the way of the unicorn? You're only allowed to experience it's glory once and then it disappears from your mind. Forever.
ReplyDeleteI always thought Michael Bolton wore women's underwear??
ReplyDeleteAs first aid goes, I think strawberry margeritas have to be about the best I've heard.
ReplyDeleteKudos.
Lola: I think you need to come make me one of those drinks NOW. Because anything that risque and mythical NEEDS me. :)
ReplyDeleteBeck: I'm happy you've regarded Michael Bolton's underwear in such detail! I knew you were dedicated. Secret's out.
TJ: Agreed. And much more pleasant than any old IV.
*shuffles back into view, suspiciously*
ReplyDeleteEr, Hi Veg
*glances left and right, awkward smile*
Just wondering how you're doing?
*Sucks cheeks in*
I might have tagged you in a meme
*Curls into foetal position and covers delicate parts with hands*
Please don't hurt me!
Uh huh.
ReplyDeleteAS IF! I'm going to go check it out after a stiff drink 'cause I'm a skeered. :) Thank you!