The Eh! Team

Thursday, August 18th, 2011 – A little cheese with that whine?

Well. There’s some rusty old saying about how you can’t please all the people all the time and you can’t please an ornery Torontonian any of the time, or I could have just made that up. I’ll never tell! Proving my point, however, after my terribly illuminating insight into the great state of Ohio the other day, I received the following message from the wonderfully acid, prone to wordy tantrums, Toronto's own, The Real Johnson, who wished to lodge a complaint. The complaint is below, in full and PLEASE, feel free to unleash your wrath in the comments. Me, I am neutral like Switzerland. Flame on, people.

Dear Vegetable Assassin,
While I’m a frequent reader of the trials and tribulations, talking to mice, drinking of wine, and cracking of wise that’s chronicled on www.vegetableassassin.blogspot.com on a ridiculously prolific basis, there’s one trend on your otherwise fantastic blog that I simply can’t stand for anymore.
I’m talking of course about your systematic glorification of every single frigging American state.
While your efforts are noble in that you seem hell-bent on actually writing something about each and every one of them, I must object to yet another instance where American jingoism seems to be blinding a good writer from waxing philosophical on far more worthy a subject of her praise and investigation.

I’m talking of course about Canada.

Now, generally, we Canadians are content to simply be aware that our country is the greatest country on earth. We’re a humble bunch and our clean air, universal health care, ridiculously prolific national hockey programs and, of course, far, far superior beer are usually more than enough to keep us satisfied. Furthermore, not only do we not feel the need to brag, we’re also well aware of the likely consequences of too much bragging; namely one thing virtually no one wants too much of: visiting Americans.

However, as you seem to roll your praise across the United States (in an insanely out-of-sequence road trip, I might add), I can’t help but feel slighted without the inclusion of Canada. I sat quiet through North Dakota, West Virginia, Kansas, et al. Hell, I even kept my mouth shut when the craziest of all states, Florida, got its day in the sun. I chuckled as you shared ominous facts about various states and I bit my tongue about your Americentricism.

Until today.

Today was the last straw. God damn it if Ohio is worthy of almost a thousand words from the Vegetable Assassin then surely someone’s got to speak up for Canada!
I’m not going to get into tired clichés about how much better Canada is than the United States. That’s been done before and it’s certainly not what I’m trying to say here. It would be a waste of time to talk about our abundant fresh water and natural resources. It’s not helpful to note that one of these two countries is morbidly obese while the other enjoys a relatively healthy average weight. No one needs to point out that watching right-wing Americans spout off on Fox News makes even the most Liberal Canadian want to kiss our own Conservative Prime Minister on the mouth for being so open-minded by comparison.

I’m not going to do any of that.

And I won’t bore you with tales of how woefully ignorant most Americans are about The Great White North. I’ll skip the story of a friend who worked at the border and greeted people driving in from Michigan with skis on their roof in July. I’ll likewise skip the tale of a staged argument my friend waged with another friend in front of Americans about whose igloo was better.

Those types of comments are hurtful and don’t help inter-continental relations.

Similarly, if you do choose to write about Canada I hope you’ll skip the tired fact that we pronounce things properly and spell things the way the English do. Sure, they invented the language, but who’s to say whether Yanks or Brits are right when it comes to the English language. Y’all can do things however you like.

Instead, I hope you’ll give Canada a fair shake and simply share some interesting and enlightening facts about what I consider the greatest nation on earth. If fucking Ohio is worthy, surely we are too.
Sincerely,
The Real Johnson
(Here’s a little something to get you started:

• Canada is governed as a parliamentary democracy and a constitutional monarchy
• Jeopardy host Alex Trebek is Canadian.
• So is Pamela Anderson (her tits, however, are not)
• Canada's national sport is lacrosse. No one has any idea why.
• Without Canada, there would be no Star Trek: Captain Kirk and Scotty were both Canucks.
• Basketball was invented by a Canadian
• Making love to a Canadian makes you smarter and gives you shiny hair.
• We all wear plaid in the winter.)

Thank you, Mr. Johnson. When I have finished with the US, I will consider doing the great, white north a great big solid.