Friday, April 8th, 2011, hedgehog in my skull, turn down the sun, where is my coffee?
Here I sit, once again, feeling like a looped song, looking like a feral cat and with some kind of unwashed Romany gypsy living in my head. Somehow, despite the warnings of the night before, I managed to let myself be persuaded into drinking a shit ton of wine, both white and red, and staggering a thirty minute walk home at midnight, no doubt looking like Bambi attempting to Riverdance on ice, while trying to look neither suspicious nor drunk, which is hard, because that’s sort of my natural look! There wasn’t a car or a person in sight the entire walk. It was like that scene at the start of “28 Days Later” where the city exists but there's no sign of life.
I’ll have you know I drink rarely these days but this week seems to have me possessed. Anyway, the wine put me into a deep relaxing sleep. For about two hours. Then, “Oh hai!” I was awake. It was 3AM. Dark. I was exhausted. And stuffy nosed. And poundy headed. And did I mention AWAKE?
I shuffled off to drink some water (about a reservoir full I reckon) and take some sinus medication. And pee for about an hour. Then I lay back down. And heard about fourteen people trying to break into my apartment. Which turned out to be just regular creaking sounds and not fourteen people at all. Then finally I fell back asleep and woke up a second time and managed to freak myself out by catching sight of something moving quickly in the early morning light, out the corner of my eye in the mirror, which turned out to be MY OWN FOOT as I was stretching. Yup.
And now I’m up again. And I feel a bit mentally challenged. Then there’s the feral cat hair thing. And someone clearly replaced my tongue with a strawy welcome mat. Ick. So I looked in the mirror and it was all:
Me: Hi!
Reflection: Well hello!
Me: You look like Nick Nolte and Gary Busey had a baby
Reflection: So do you, asshole
Me: I AM you!
Reflection: Where are your pants?
Me: I DON’T NEED PANTS
Reflection: You should probably drink some water and go lie down now
Me: You should just fuck off
Reflection: YOU should just fuck off
Me: I AM YOU.
I got up and things are all over the place and I can’t find anything. Where is my cellphone charger? What’s my password? Why is there a half eaten cheese sandwich on the counter? Where ARE my pants? (answer: hallway floor) I’m too old for this alcohol business. I need to sip tea and wear floral prints and buy some goddamn loafers before I seriously damage my calm.
So yeah. I’m supposed to be doing something about some state or other today and instead you get this nonsense yet again. Blame wine. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find some Ibuprofen for breakfast.
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So. People have nudged me about my total ineptness at updating this thing and they are correct. It's just, I don't have a life reall...
I gave up on the heavy drinking years ago. Mainly due to not being able to remember two hours of my life and being told, two days later, that I had been dancing on glass tables. Oh and I ignored alarge bouncer who was ever so (un)politely telling me 'to get off the table'.
ReplyDeleteShould I tell I was up at the time and getting ready to go to the gym?
ReplyDeleteI know, you're all impressed. I was. Now I'm tired and it's 7 a.m. I think it's going to be a long day
That conversation with yourself makes me want to marry you. And I am NOT the marrying kind.
ReplyDeleteThat picture is hilarious - that bridge is pathetic and should be ashamed.
Your funny valentine, Sarah xxx
You share my favorite sort of nonsense. Really. You do. I hope the Ibuprofen is good to you. Psh. That bridge just 'don't even know'. (That whole 'don't even know' thing just stabbed my OCD in the eye. Like 198 times)
ReplyDeleteMartin: Me too. It's occasional alcohol hijinx these days. But no glass tables or bouncers for me. :)
ReplyDeleteLittle Ms. BAH TO YOU being all healthy and stuff. I jogged to the bathroom does that count?
Sarah: Haha that poor bridge. I feel like I should go over there and apologize. I'm sure it's not really weak. I'm sure it totally has a mind of its own. :)
Meow: Nonsense is my middle name. One of about 302. :)
The other day you mistook a pole for a man and now you can't recognise your own foot. I think maybe you haven't got a hangover at all, you probably drank within reasonable limits and all you need is a prescription for some spectacles.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful, wonderful world we would be living in if hangovers didn't exist. It's like everything that's awesome is always followed (or closely related) to something that sucks. Like sex. Wear those condoms or you'll be fighting off warts for the next 15 years. Watch that wine, or you'll be puking for ten hours.
ReplyDeleteMan, isn't the world such a party pooper sometimes. But on the other hand, the fact that we CAN have (protected) sex and drink until senseless is totally worth it.
Now repeat after me: Red wine good, White wine baaaaaaaad; Red wine Gooooood, White wine BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.
ReplyDeleteYour hangover days will be over, if you just follow this mantra. And I'm not even kidding.
You are hilarious. :-)
ReplyDeleteI DON'T NEED PANTS! Of course, you don't sweetheart. :-) No one really NEEDS pants, do they?
I can't tell you how many times I have personally lived this post...
Pearl
Trish: You might be right. It's all starting to make sense...
ReplyDeleteWynn: You depraved beast. In the nunnery we're not allowed such privileges. Ten Hail Maries to you. And....other religious things I know nothing about.
Tenny: It's the red that gives the hangovers, I'm convinced. Maybe I just shouldn't MIX red and white in one night? Hmmm?
Pearl: Pants are for sissies (and really cold people). :) I too have personally lived this post many times. I thought I'd outgrown it long ago though. Actually, it seems I was right. Ouch.
It's like...Did I write this? Was I the other person in the mirror? Did I drunk blog? This all SEEMS like something that would happen to me. Wait, I'm not hungover...this time. Ok, life is good again.
ReplyDeleteHope you're feeling better soon. Better get that cheese sandwhich off the the floor less Baxter come visit you again...was your mouses name Baxter, or did I just make that up? Maybe I am drunk...
It was Baxter. And he is not MY mouse, missy. He's his own mouse. :)
ReplyDeleteI hate every AM time. I never wake up until noon, even if I'm physically up and moving about.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can't believe we never got together and got shit-faced when we were both living in NYC.
That bridge is SUCH a pussy.
ReplyDeleteIf red and white wine can't be mixed, what hope do we have that cats and dogs can ever live together in peace?
ReplyDeleteI was up at 5 a.m. too. Unfortunately, not drunk.
So it was a good night then? Mine starts in about 6 hours... be forewarned! Cheers!
ReplyDeleteI think you should take more photos when you are drunk. I found that picture hilarious too! Oh, wait, maybe I'M drunk again! Darn!
ReplyDeleteIf you don't cut this out, we'll have to gather a group of bloggers together and stage an intervention!
ReplyDeleteThis is precisely why I don't drink. 'Cuz I need pants.
ReplyDeleteBeck: I know! I bet NYC is relieved though. :) Ha!
ReplyDeleteNicki: Yes it is! Lame bridge.
Martini: Good point. There is no point for humanity if that is the case.
El G: Excellent night. It was morning that was less good. Have fun!
Betty: Heavens, I'd have photos of toilets and feet and belly buttons. No fun at all!
Eva: Oh please. You'd all be joining me. Admit it! :)
Cora: No one needs pants. Free yourself. Free yourself NOW.
Sounds like the fun fizzled...but you will do it again...Your reflection would tell you the same...hehe
ReplyDeleteYay, we can have sinus headaches together. It's the best kind of headache because it makes it impossible to do normal, daily life things. Yay!
ReplyDeleteAlso - I can't believe you got wasted on both red and white wine and are still alive.
Ok, picturing you (cartoon you) staggering around and taking the picture and laughing hysterically at the wimpy bridge, and now I am giggling uncontrollably at my desk at work like a psycho.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahah!!!
ReplyDeleteOh I only wish I was with you last night as you took the photo of the "Weak Bridge". bhahahahahaahah!@
Okay. I must have you. You must say yes. (before I even ask the question). You MUST guest post for me! Oh my gosh. I think I actually just spit water out of my nose when I laughed so hard at your conversation with your reflection.
bahahaahahah. Say yes. Oh please say yes!!
email me at cinderitaadventures @gmail.com and let's talk brass tax!!
Happy Hangover Friday!
Wasn't there was an old band called 'Women Without Pants' and they sang that catchy tune 'Sexy Dance'?
ReplyDeleteS.S.s.s.
E.E.e.e.
X.X... anyway, you see where I was going with that I'm goingto stop now because I'm getting tired of typing and stuff.
Jayne: Yah, that thing knows NOTHING. Nothing I tell you.
ReplyDeleteJUST ME: Yes, aren't they just special? So awesome with their eye drilling pain and nasal joy. Let's have a sinus party! :)
Rita: You crazy lady. I'd love to do it and I will email you tomorrow when I am slightly more coherent (I hope) because tonight? That's for sleeping. Sleeping and not drinking anything stronger than water.
Eric: Uh huh. Lock the door when you're in there, 'k.
Mama: Well so long as you're laughing WITH me and not just at me. :) Yep, I'm sure that's it...
ReplyDeleteYou know why you're hungover? Because you stopped drinking. Rookie mistake.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're still funny, even with a pounding head and fuzzy tongue.
I already thought of you as kind of a floral print person.
ReplyDeleteYou also need some prune juice. And more cats. And you should crochet something. (FYI, I googled "stereotypical old lady things" to help me with this comment)
ReplyDeleteLibby: Got it. Continue drinking till sober. I've noted for next time. You'd think that after all these years I'd have figured that out already, right? :)
ReplyDeleteEd: I'm sure you did. I bet you also pictured me watching Merchant Ivory movies and swooning a lot. You'd be so accurate too.
Stephanie: I like prunes and cats so now I'm horrified. And I already crochet. Holy crap, I'm actually 80 and didn't realize. HORROR.
Madam Z: Your comment is actually on the entry below. I am thinking you were drunk yourself when you left it. :)
counting people breaking in - that's better than sheep.
ReplyDeleteabout the pants - check this out -
http://youtu.be/eB5EE42So7I
My sympathies, I'm slightly delicate today thanks to quite a lot of red wine drunk yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI've got things to do...like sit at my laptop and drink coffee....
soooo many funny bit in here!
ReplyDelete"like a feral cat and with some kind of unwashed Romany gypsy living in my head"
"like bambi attempting to riverdance on ice"
"like nick nolte an gary busey had a baby"
you are my hero of simile!
please don't quit drinking.
You know, that bridge was probably the smallest bridge in its class growing up, and as such was constantly belittled and beat up by bigger bridges, and now has a complex about it. I just hope it doesn't snap and collapse one day.
ReplyDeleteLisle: You dirty boy. I enjoyed that though. Not that I understood it at all. Of course.
ReplyDeleteRoses: Good for you! If you're not feeling delicate, you're clearly doing it wrong. :) Feel better girlie!
Patty: Well I am offended you think I dri....oh ok. :) Haha!
Joshua: Dude. Now I feel totally ashamed of bullying that poor bridge. How will I live with myself? Poor bridge.
The skills required to put this post together on a Saturday night are massive and now everyone could do it! I was totally lazy and went out to dinner and drank too much lemoncella (sp?) very uninspired next to this beauty!
ReplyDeleteIf I had some damn Lemoncello imagine how much BETTER this post would've been! :)
ReplyDelete2:55 am here, and I don't even have wine to blame. Nor do I have any groovy pics of road signs to flash for the masses.
ReplyDelete(BTW, the the hell is a weak bridge? Maybe it was Babar's river-dancing on it that diminished its load bearing capabilities. You have elephants in Canada, right? )
..Seriously, I need to go to bed. I would hate to wake up with a cat head thingy, but the whole gypsy part is sounding rather RRrrrRrrRrrrrr!
BABAR!!!! LOL. French elephants are for people who eat too many mushrooms, Chef. Know what I'm saying? I think you know EXACTLY what I'm saying...
ReplyDeleteIsn't a Romany gypsy like a Chinese chink?
ReplyDeleteUnless it's redundant redundant.
I'm being a pedant pedant.
Your post was funny funny. :)