Wednesday, April 13th - GAH
Well I managed to do something hideous to my knee while practicing the serene and tranquil art of yoga the other day. I don’t know about you, but I always thought the point of yoga was to balance one’s wotsits with their doodads and feel all at one with the universe and their fellow man and so on, not to sprain one’s knee so that you walk like you had an unfortunate accident in your pants, for the next three days. Seems I push the boundaries of yoga a little too far.
This is also why I haven’t done any Zumba in a while – it might just get too hip thrustingly sexy and I might put someone’s eye out. Anyway, my knee won’t bend all the way back right now and although I rarely have to bend my knee all the way back, now I know I can’t, I really, really want to!
Also, I can’t seem to finish this little painting I started last week and it’s mocking me from my tiny easel and making me squirm with the guilt.
I also may or may not have had a dream last night that James Woods was trying to kill me with a water gun. It’s all very confusing.
If you really need a reason to bend your knee all the way back, let me know.
ReplyDeleteI will travel.
I don't know, if you get too "hip thrustingly sexy" in yoga, there's less chance of putting someone's eye out, and more having someone want to see your third eye.
ReplyDeleteAs for the Sony thing, it's obviously a floral-digital receiver hybrid. All the rage.
I understand your desire to very badly want to do something that hadn't been an issue before. It's the why-can't-I-wiggle-my-toes-in-these-shoes syndrome. Who ask yourself, who the hell wiggles their toes inside shoes but...
ReplyDeletePearl
Your blog only solidifies what I already knew about downward dog & yoga: It sucks and is a cult.
ReplyDeleteHowever, meditation and alert yoga (aka restorative yoga) I get behind.
Love the Sony piece from the Onion and also the scrolling news headlines below it.
I agree with up above there - yoga is a cult. Probably run by Charles Manson and Ghandi.
ReplyDeleteI had a HUGE middle of the night panic attack about ten years ago when I realised that I couldn't remove my belly button ring. I didn't WANT to remove it but I wanted to know that I COULD remove it.
I removed it not long after when I had a huge middle of the night panic attack and realised I was a mutton dressed as lamb douche-canoe with a belly button ring.
This was all about me again, right??
Sarah xxx
PS Finish that painting already - I need to buy some art for my new vintage caravan.
I think I may need to buy that thing from sony. I love to waste my money on stuff I don't need.
ReplyDeleteI tried Yoga once.
ReplyDeleteOuch. No.
That's amazing (the video, not your injury). Yoga is a trick. Like candy cigarettes.
ReplyDeleteYoga spelled backwards is agoy. That should tell you something.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been to yoga in weeks... and my body hates me for it. Hope your knee gets better!
ReplyDeleteYou know, you have to watch those water pistols. They're DEADLY! Especially when not filled with water. Or filled with water from questionable sources. I'm sure your imagination can take you anywhere it needs to go to fill in the gaps. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I do the same in Taekwondo. I'll be doing one of my forms and what not, and all of the sudden one of my joints pops noticeably loud, or deliberately makes me look like a fool of it's own accord, prompting me to eat dirt or catch myself from eating dirt in an interesting manner. I'm also foolish enough to not give up Taekwondo. Masochism at it's finest.
Hope you heal up soon! There are veggies I want a contract on...
Yoage is fun...to watch. I prefer to walk to the shops and treat myself to a doughnut for taking exercise.
ReplyDeleteMaybe James Woods is trying to kill you with a water gun because of your penchant for pushing yoga bounderies and refusing to give Zumba attention? I've heard that he gets irrationally angry about Yoga. But you know, he can't kill anyone because of his celebrity status circa early 90's so water torture seems the next best thing?
ReplyDeleteMoooooog: You saucy devil. I admit I guffawed. Then groaned that I hadn't even considered such comments. I'm seriously malfunctioning right now...
ReplyDeleteJoshua: Jesus. Hahaha. I'm sorry I even mentioned the yoga now. You people are depraved. I love it. :)
Pearl: I know, isn't it weird how that works? Now I'm obsessed with bending my knee back and grimacing wildly. :)
Little Ms. B: Well it's evil and sweaty but it does make you feel sort of stretchy and accomplished.
Sarah: Hahaha now that WOULD be a cult. Esp. if Manson was in it. Yikes. As for the painting, maybe I'll DO a vintage caravan. Instead of just Airstreams. So there! :) You make me laugh crazy lady.
ReplyDeleteManager: Haha, me too. It looks really fucking good. :)
Betty: Ouch indeed. There are some positions we're probably not meant to bend into.
Martini: Hmm. Now it makes sense. Trickery. Damn.
Eva: It tells me you're a fruit loop, lady. :)
Ms. Salti: Awww, get back into it woman. Then tell me how to avoid knee injuries in the future. Please.
ReplyDeleteLord of Madness: They're even deadlier when James Woods is brandishing them. And Taekwondo sounds like a LOT of danger to me. Maybe that's the fun. You might wipe out and bend the wrong way at any moment? Damn. I'm not giving up the yoga either. Idiot though I am.
Martin: Yoage sounds likes some fancy yuppy pursuit, "Ya, Giles and I are taking out the yacht on Sunday and hosting a Yoage party!" :)
Lola: Well see, in JW's head he's still relevant and when someone points out he isn't that's when he goes lip biting insane and starts trashing things and marrying ten year olds and denouncing yoga. In my mind.
Yoga is just more skulduggery. You know what else makes your knee hurt? Getting hit with a car. So I think yoga is about as healthy as getting hit by a car. And scene.
ReplyDeleteI hate it when you make what sounds, in principle, like a dumb comment, then it actually makes some kind of sense. Damn that! :)
ReplyDeleteExercise is dangerous ya know. Last I've heard, an ancquaintance slipped and fell and hurt herself during a walk so she had to have surgery done and then got an infection in the wound and like, she seriously limps right now, seven weeks into the process.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what else to say really, I kind of ran out of words. Take it easy and don't sex it up too much, other people may fall and hurt themselves!
'now I know I can’t, I really, really want to'
ReplyDeleteHahahah, if there were a religion whose only premise was that adherents couldn't poke themselves in the eye with a sharp stick, there would be a few idiots doing precisely that. And they would be writhing with ecstasy while doing it.
BTW, I bought an extra Sony product announced above, hacked the OS, and linked it up with my game console and computerized refrigerator.
PS - I hope all your parts are tip top and tickety boo soon.
OUCH! How on earth did you do that?! There's supposed to be no way you can injure yourself in yoga!!!
ReplyDeleteVery sorry about the knee... it is indeed a pain in the xxx to be walking funky, when the doc let's you walk at all that is! (I'm starting to get cabin fever).
Keep the leg up (no weight on it) as much as possible and ice that knee!!! Anti-inflammatories too.
Good luck!!!
Don't say never for yoga injuries. In January, my FIL wrenched his neck slipping on a move, and ended up in the hospital for a week because one of the arteries in the base his skull dissected. Ended up in hospital for a full week, on blood thinners, and hoping he wouldn't have a stroke.
ReplyDeleteWynn: Exercise IS dangerous. I think this should be a cautionary tale to anyone thinking of activity. Don't do it. Eat a chocolate bar instead. :)
ReplyDeleteTex: Haha, I bet you're right. You didn't link it also with your space age nifty mosaicy tools? :) My parts thank you.
Cris:Yes! Yoga is supposed to help make you MORE supple, not stiffen your joints up and try to kill you! :)
Joshua: You are freaking me out now. Yoga is trying to kill me. :( OH NOES. Honestly, I can see how some of it could go horrendously wrong... Poor your FIL.
Yoga makes you more supple? I thought it was more for flexibility in the sack. I must be doing something wrong.
ReplyDeleteWell supple and flexible are practically the same thing, dude. And no comment, perv. :)
ReplyDeleteOoh, I can't wait to see that video when I get home. I love The Onion's "overpriced piece of shit" jabs that they frequently take at the big tech companies. My favorite is still the Apple wheel.
ReplyDeleteIt's my favourite too, even though I've never actually seen it. It's Apple. That's enough. :)
ReplyDeleteDid you do the yoga in the hot room? Because I really don't sweat enough as it is, I need the hot room to get the last 1/4" of shirt to completely soak through.
ReplyDeleteDude, there's no such thing as a hot room in this house, that might be the problem. It was cold as Siberia. :) Now a sauna sounds kind of nice right about now. Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteZumba is a far cry from the type of exercise Dr. Bob Hartley underwent in this old Bob Newhart show:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7mkpj_the-bob-newhart-show-fit-fat-and-fo_fun
Goddamn HULU. What a surprise. It's for Americans only. It hates the rest of us. But I'll take your word for it, dude.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't a dream that James Woods was trying to murder you. Little known fact.
ReplyDeleteJames Woods is trying to murder everyone in America.
With his eyes.
Mandy: It's too bad I like you, cos I'd do it for free! :)
ReplyDeleteRahul: Holy fuck, you might be right. That man is actually a demon in a man outfit. It feeds on young girls and anger.
Sorry to hear about your knee. Perhaps "Jonah" who is featured over at my blog today can inspire your knee to get with the program.
ReplyDeleteLOVED the video. If there were real newscasts like that then just maybe I would start watching the news. Very funny!
Moooog only offered to help because he's the right height for you to prop your leg on his shoulder while you're both standing.
ReplyDeleteCheese and Rice! That was the worlds longest way of calling someone short in the history of ever.
I thought the point of yoga was to release the gas energy built up inside of me. I guess that's why I was not invited back.
ReplyDeleteI tried yoga once...and quickly realized that it is meant for people who are much more coordinated and balanced than I am.
ReplyDeleteHope your knee feels better quickly.
I need to buy that. I don't own an Iphone, an Ipod or a kindle so this....MUST HAVE.
ReplyDeleteI started going back to yoga a couple months ago, and now, I can no longer run. I've officially fucked up my knees doing yoga...so much for zen, right.
ReplyDeleteSprained knee: nasty. Ibuprofen hon. Strap it up tight.
ReplyDeleteAs to the Onion. I now have to find that clip and plaster it on Facebook, because it is sooooo true (and funny).
Sorry about the knee. That really sucks. I actually like yoga...am I allowed to post that here? Love the video...hilarious!
ReplyDeleteEmpress: Hahaha, yeah one wonky body part is enough, thanks Empress. At least now I can still sort of walk. :)
ReplyDeleteEd: Do you boys need to just go get a room or what? Hmm?
Lisle: If you've ever been to an actual yoga class, you'll see that you might just be right! :)
Tracie: I fall over all the time doing it. And over stretch. And curse. I'm not sure I'm getting the whole serenity thing...
Amanda: Hahaha, yes you should be able to pick it up cheap now since that's about 2 years old :)
Sandra: See? Yoga messed you up! Apparently. Unless you're coordinated like Pearl, who clearly manages without messing herself up.
Roses: It's great isn't it? I laughed and laughed but then I'm a potty mouth who appreciates such things.
Stephanie: Thank you miss. I like it too, when it's not trying to kill me or make me walk like Frankenstein's monster.
I find struggling to get the lid of the biscuit jar is quite enough exercise for the week. Really, Veggie, you should follow my example :)
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't a Sony, but I once had a DVD player bite the dust and it flashed an error message on its little screen thingy which simply said, "HO". I kid you not.
ReplyDeleteHo.
What kind of error message is THAT?! Stupid piece of crap not only dies, but it insulted me on the way out!
Um, Cora? It was probably flashing between "NO" and "DISC"
ReplyDeleteJust saying.
Wylye: I like the way you think, girl. I mean that's an arm work out. I think that totally qualifies... :)
ReplyDeleteCora: I just got some funny looks for guffawing. Hahaha. Also, don't listen to Joshua you're totally a sketchy dirty ho.
Joshua: No it was not. See above. Pfft! Boys.
Yoga ninja maybe?
ReplyDeleteDude, I am ABSOLUTELY the yoga ninja. If yoga ninjas overstretch and fall over a lot and can't walk properly for a week after. :)
ReplyDeleteI was giving her the benefit of doubt. But if you say she is...
ReplyDeleteYou are just so much a nicer person than me...
ReplyDeleteOk, so I have been subscribing to and READING (yea, I just shouted thatt) 'The Onion' all this time when I could have been WATCHING The Onion talking heads instead? You think you feel inadequate? I am such a dork for not figuring this one out sooner.
ReplyDeleteOh yea, and I hope your knee is better soon. A woman in Vancouver recently got yanked off the SkyTrain because she was wearing a button that said "F*** Yoga". (That wasn't you, was it?) - G
Hahahaha! Maybe in spirit! :) I like yoga. I'm just obviously no good at it. But I like her sentiment. That's a woman who farts every time she does the downward facing dog. And yes, the Onion online has some gems. Keep an eye on that!
ReplyDelete@ Joshua: No, no, no. I'd seen the No Disc message before. This one clearly said "HO" and then there was a number 7 off to one side. I looked up error messages in the manual and it said that if you get a "HO" message with a number 7 you need to take the DVD player in for repair. It didn't say what "HO" stood for, oddly enough.
ReplyDelete????
It means you're the seventh ho who's fallen for that one. :)
ReplyDeleteSony's digital, notched headboard.
ReplyDeleteThank you for keeping me from spending my money on the stupid shit gizmo from Sony that doesn't fucking work. Good luck with the whole knee thing. Mine's been as fucked up as that Sony thing for a long time now.
ReplyDeleteNo worries, ladyfriend, no one should be spending their hard earned on shit that doesn't fucking work, right? :) My knee appears to have gotten worse since I wrote that. I keep walking around on it and I'm thinking that's probably not what it needs. It's right in that area that feels like your funny bone when you hit it, except there's nothing funny about it.
ReplyDeleteI did YOGA once. Friends and I went to a class and we finished. I said "what crap...it didn't do anything for me". I woke up the next day and could barely walk. Freakin' yoga.
ReplyDeleteOuch about your knee.
ReplyDeleteI've done Zumba a few times. It reminded me that I have no rhythm.
My knees can only bend forward. Either I'm deformed at birth, or you have strange knees. Ha!
ReplyDeleteA-Ha-Ha-HA! .. OK, that totally sounded nerdy.
ReplyDeleteBut holy fucking hell, it must be related to that damned piece of festering rat-hole suckage that is the new Apple TV.
Someone needs to be fucking lynched, or at least have their liver ripped out ... oh wait.
Writer: Haha, I have no rhythm either. Well I do have rhythm technically. It's just not in sync with anyone else's rhythm.
ReplyDeleteSarah: I think you're probably deformed because now I have an image of you with your knees bent in front of you at right angles and it's painful. :)
Chef: You evil evil chef! I laughed. Of course. Apple TV huh. Sounds like hell to me. Macs are for people who haven't figured out yet that you can get a PC that's better for less money.
Suze: DUDE! Where have you been? As for yoga, I'm pretty sure it's devised to look all new age and soul nourishing but really it's out to kill you. Simple as that. Yup.
ReplyDelete"Eva" had it almost right. Yoga spelled backwards is: Ga! Oy!
ReplyDeleteBTW, I must have clicked on the wrong Onion link. I ended up reading an article about which masturbatory fantasies were acceptable. Unfortunately, mine were not on the OK list.
zumba is out of the question for me because i can't do coordinated choreographed dance at all. not the electric slide, the macarena, the thriller dance, not any of it. let's just day my dance moves are freestyle. yeah, freestyle that's the ticket. like freestyle raps or skateboarding. i'm too cool for conformity.
ReplyDeleteOuch! That's why I've sworn off all forms of exercise!
ReplyDeleteThe video was so FUNNY! I think I have a couple of those devices under a different brand name!
Madam: Hahaha yours almost sounds MORE fun!
ReplyDeletePatty: I think you misunderstand. I can't do coordinated choreographed dance either! That's the whole problem. I suck at it but it's fun. At least for me. Not so for anyone watching. :)
Pat: Haha, I think we all do. The video is great though. I watched it about 20 times. :)
I was going to comment, but Moooooog35 wins with the very first one. Uncle.
ReplyDelete