Wednesday, August 18th, 2010 - lunchtime, feeling evil, eating grapes
Now I don't have many rules in life, but a few of my rules regarding what can or cannot be classed as "entertainment" go as follows:
1) No clowns.
2) No Carrot Top.
3) No ventriloquists.
It's straightforward. All of those "occupations" are wrong and there's no argument I can see, against this.
I never understood how anyone could find ventriloquists amusing in the slightest. Firstly, you can usually see the dude's mouth moving and secondly, someone needs to remind ventriloquists that just standing there with your fist up a tiny man's back yard, does not a show make. You still need actual material.
Also? Get some real friends, loser. You just know that a ventriloquist goes home at night to a Real Doll and a jar of Olay.
Plus come on, those tiny little wooden men are creepy, no? With their permanent half grin and icy stare, piercing your soul as if to say, "When you sleep? I am coming for you with my machete."
I was trying to think of ways to make ventriloquists more watchable and although I think it's probably not even possible, I came up with these suggestions:
1) Maybe your dummy could be a zombie. Zombies are always good material. Plus if he wasn't funny he could torment and abuse the audience and maybe rip pieces of flesh off your faces during the act. At least he'd be memorable.
2) Your dummy could have that bad form of Tourette's where he just yells things like, "Hey lady, nice dress, SHIT ON MY COCK!"
3) You could set yourself and your wooden twin, on fire and burn all the way to hell.
Up to you. Those are my suggestions. I might watch those acts. Feel free to leave your own suggestions in the comments, no matter how devious.
I like devious.
Mmmmmmmmmm real dolls...
ReplyDeletePlease never post that pic again. I'm afraid. Very afraid.
ReplyDeleteMaisie: Haha, I always thought they'd be fun to just have in your car to get around the car pool rules. Or to sit in it in parking lots so people don't steal your stuff. Of course you might have to put clothes on them... Or not. Have you checked out the boy ones? Pretty disappointing. Um. Allegedly.
ReplyDeleteNicole: I do apologize. It's actually haunting me too. Scary little dude. He was one of the more palatable pics I found too, you don't want to see the others. Oh no you don't.
Shit on my Cock... wow.... that really made me laugh. out. loud.
ReplyDeleteEman: I think South Park covered the whole pissing and shitting on cocks thing in the past. I just liked it therefore ripped it off. :)
ReplyDeleteI about peed myself when I saw this picture on my reader thing. I don't like those dolls. I saw that movie Dead Silence. Creepy mofos. And Pinocchio? Uhhhh, no. Wood boy become real AND has a talking cricket? WTF
ReplyDeleteI imagine Pinnochio might be awesome if you were really, really stoned. Because how else does he make any sense? I think the main rule here is wooden dolls = creepsville.
ReplyDeleteclowns and ventriloquist dummies are ugly, scary, and evil. they have no place in an orderly society.
ReplyDeleteyou are right, there should be rules relating to these things...
Like "If a ventriloquist appears on TV we get a tax rebate" I like that rule. :)
ReplyDeleteThere is one good ventriloquist; I can't think of his name, but he won on America's Got Talent a couple of years ago. You never see his lips move, and he does impersonations, and sings.
ReplyDeleteI'm still skeptical. A good ventriloquist? But is he actually funny too? I'll have to take your word for it missy.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm going to have nightmares after looking at that picture.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if the ventriloquist was using a Real Doll the act could be worth watching? Maybe? Yeah....probably not.
Yeah. That's like saying, "I knew a really kind child molester once." It simply doesn't work.
ReplyDeleteI would support a ventriloquist act where the ventriloquist fights the dummy to the death. The dummy gets a big sharp knife and the ventriloquist, a hammer. Whoever wins, I'm happy with the outcome.
Tracie: It would certainly make it more watchable I guess.
ReplyDeleteJohnson: I'd support that act too, in fact, I'd pay to see that. It's a sort of Christians and the lions type of justice really isn't it?
I would rather go on a month long road trip with a carrot-topped clown that sounds like BobCat Golthwait than watch a 10 minute ventriloquist act. Creepy!
ReplyDeleteYou see, given that option I'd take the ventriloquist, so long as I was allowed to wear a blindfold and plugs in my ears. :)
ReplyDeleteI effing hate ventriloquist dummies. They're all evil. Eviiiiillllll.
ReplyDeleteThose and clowns. They need to be banned. For real.
ReplyDeleteImagine if Carrot Top was a ventriloquist and his dummy was a clown?
ReplyDeleteI JUST SCARED MYSELF!
That's too much scary to contemplate. Imagine Carrot Top was a DUMMY and....wait a second, that sounds strangely right.
ReplyDeleteThe similarities between Carrot Top and a ventriloquist dummy mind boggling. Including painted on eyebrows and having another man's body part constantly shoved up their asses. Just sayin'.
ReplyDelete*Shudder. That pic reminds me of the guy from the Saw movies. So scary.
ReplyDeleteVentriloquists are SO lame. Even if they are one of the better ones there are some sounds that you have to move your lips to make. And you can ALWAYS see their throats at the very least.
Mrs. Beer: I just snorted. :)
ReplyDeleteJules: Always. Plus they have the most boring conversations with their puppets ever. Ask him something interesting at least. Or something filthy.
"Gabbo", the only vent act I can watch without crapping myself....oh and America's Got Talent with the dude who works "The Hoff". Johnny Walker I think he's called.
ReplyDeleteI still have a ventriloquist puppet that I received as a gift when I was a child because I cannot throw it away. A good friend of mine visited me right after my daughter was born and put the ventriloquist puppet in the crib so that when I came in to check on my newborn, I was greeted by the creepy puppet. I have great friends.
ReplyDeleteEeeeeeks! I hate puppets....especially Thunderbirds!
ReplyDeleteThought it was just me being weird :-)
Those ventriloquist dummies creep me the f*ck out as well. They are as bad as those EVIL Chucky dolls. I do like your idea for a dummy that has Tourette's and abuses the audience. At the end of the show there could be a burning ceremony to get rid of the potty mouth, evil dummy. Otherwise I think I would be too scared. -The Empress
ReplyDeletehttp://rantersbox.blogspot.com
Those wooden dummies are scary, no doubt, but I had to wash out my eyes with bleach after the puppet sex scene in Team America. Thanks for reminding me.
ReplyDeleteBlurgh.
Okay, usually I'm with you on the whole ventriloquists-can-bite-me thing. However, I have to make an exception for the dude with the Achmed the Dead Terrorist puppet (God, I forgot his name, I only remember the skeleton puppet!) cuz THAT is FUNNY.
ReplyDeleteJoe: I need to now check out the America's Got Talent dude, since you all keep mentioning him. But if he's bad I will track you all down.
ReplyDeleteBrutalism: Haha, well if there was ever an argument FOR having a ventriloquist dummy, I'd say scaring new mothers might be it. :) Or other evil pranks. I'm sure it was pretty scary though, dude, really.
Nat: Thunderbirds all just looked mildly retarded. In a delirious sort of way. Plus they walked funny.
Ms. Box: I'd be all for the burning ceremony but those things are so evil that I'm not convinced they wouldn't regenerate and come back...
Cranki: And thank YOU for reminding ME of that scene too. Especially the golden shower. The Kim Jong Il puppet was kick ass though, you have to admit that.
Cora: OH yes! I forgot that guy. I don't remember if he was good but I think if you're going to take an antiquated old thing like ventriloquism, you should definitely update it to be as offensive and funny as possible instead of just lame. :)
SHIT ON MY COCK? Great, now I have to teach my daughter a new catch phrase.
ReplyDeleteWell now L. you don't HAVE to... Depends how devious YOU are feeling. :)
ReplyDeleteI ...
ReplyDeleteAgree
Agree
Agree
and add in Mimes because they a walking creepy wooden dummy. Although, maybe if someone stuck a hand up their ass, they might finally talk.
Yes! I agree. Mimes are bad. They're not even entertaining in the slightest. I say we throw tomatoes at mimes.
ReplyDeleteOh my god, I am going straight to hell for this one...
ReplyDeleteThe puppet could commit a certain, uh, sex act on the ventriloquist. Okay hot shot, see if you can keep your voice steady NOW!
You know, it warms my heart when we're a bad influence on you. :) Haha!
ReplyDeleteCarrot Top's not real.
ReplyDeleteRight?
And ventriloquists? Yep -- right up there with mimes.
Pearl
Absolutely, Pearl. What we really need is a special, unesecapable island that we send all these undesirables to so we can live our lives in harmony while they pollute each other.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you... CREEP-O-RAMA!
ReplyDeleteUm. That is the freakiest picture I never needed to see that I have (nonetheless) seen in I don't know how long ... just sayin'. **Runs for her happy place.**
ReplyDeleteI cannot believe no one ever mentioned Jeff Dunham to you and if you know him..and hate him...well, there just nothing i can.....really? You don't like Jeff Dunham?
ReplyDeleteMs. Salti: Well if you're with me I might be less scared, so yay! :)
ReplyDeleteInky: I live to freak you out with little soulless wooden dudes. Don't turn out the light.
Wupppy: Now sit down ok and don't hate me but guess who inspired this entry? That's right, Jeff Dunham. I hate Jeff Dunham. I want to stomp on his head and then his little wooden man's head. He's on TV every five damn seconds and every time I growl at him. There you go. Close your mouth, flies will get in. :)
Totally with you on clowns. And ventriloquist dummies. And pretty much dolls of any kind. And grown-ass women who collect dolls. *shudder*
ReplyDeleteFinally emerging from terrible funk and making my way back to my favorite blogs ...
I am very happy to hear that, Dame! Well that you're back not about the dolls thing. I hope you're well! Talking of adult women collecting dolls, what about those realistic baby dolls some women collect instead of actual babies? CREEPY!
ReplyDeleteYou're so funny. I love George Carlin. And ventriloquists suck.
ReplyDelete:)
Is it wrong for me to wonder what sex with a ventriloquist would be like?
ReplyDeleteLesinfin: Yes ma'am on both of those things. I'm glad we're nearly all agreeing here.
ReplyDeleteLittle Ms. B: Dude, YOU are wrong. Period. :)
Another reason to keep a chainsaw under your bed... a bit ineffective with MICE, but just the thing for some wooden creep sppearing through the shadows...
ReplyDeleteYou're right, my radical Scottish friend! Someone needs to invent that video game where you get to chainsaw zombies and ventriloquist dummies and clowns who pop out from everyday household objects. Oh yes!
ReplyDeleteHas anyone else noticed if you stare just to the right of that dummy and then look back at him, it looks like his eyes are moving? No? Just me then?
ReplyDeleteHe must've hypnotized you with his evil, wooden power. Run. RUN!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see a dummie get gang banged by a team of fat ladies. Is that weird? Cool, I didn't think so.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to send you the cleaning bill for my damn shirt, woman. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm in love with your blog, ah ma gah, I was laughing out loud at my desk, and I think someone walked by and saw the word "cock" on my screen and now thinks I'm a total weirdo, but it was so worth it.
ReplyDeleteDude, at least it's out there. I mean it doesn't have to be an unpleasant surprise some time in the future. We can celebrate our cockdom NOW! Cock is where it's at! :)
ReplyDeleteHere I am just enjoying my Cabernet, reading smart writers, but admit my stomach churned at the words "Carrot Top" who is actually a drag queen now, yes?
ReplyDeleteDude, I think there are drag queens out there who might be subtler than Carrot Top. Although he does like the eye liner. WTF? I just think he's some bizarre mutant from space.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE your rules! Clowns are creepy and we have this ventriloquist who comes every year to my school to do this assembly for the kids. This year, I might poke my eyes out. I'll let you know.
ReplyDeleteVentriloquists aren't fun once you're old enough to get the concept (age 5), but I'll admit Jeff Dunham comes remotely close.
ReplyDeleteYes! Yes! Yes!!!!! Finally someone understands my anger against ventriloquist comedians. I literally get filled with instant rage and want to throw my chancleta (flip flop) at the television when they come on. And although people may hate me I include Jeff Dunham in there. Him and his "I Keel You!!!" The same goes for this new wave of singing comedians...WTF!? It enrages me. Btw, have you ever heard Paul Mooney's stuff? His stuff cracks me up.
ReplyDelete