Monday, October 24th, 2011 - What is this early darkness and late lightness thing?
Quick question: What does it mean when you wake up singing a Nolan Sisters song from the 1970s, inside your head, in a really exuberant manner? Because that's happening to me altogether too much lately. If it's not them it's goddamn Tony Orlando. I sort of get that though. I actually LISTEN to Tony Orlando. Tony Orlando is a smooth, '70s' Casanova of a dude, with muchas body hair and who croons unbelievably cheesy ditties that I like to pretend I'm singing on a giant, velvetty stage in a dark, questionably sleazy lounge bar in Tijuana, surrounded by people with non-ironic moustaches and a glint of deviance in their eyes, instead of in a sweaty heap on the treadmill as I continuously rearrange my bra and make attractive sweat rings on my t-shirt while trying not to die of exhaustion.
What am I talking about? Who the hell knows?
Anyway, it's almost Halloween and believe me when I say, I like Halloween! I do. It's fun in a "I don't do anything particularly for Halloween but I light candles and carve a pumpkin and maybe drink some extra wine" type of way. I like the IDEA of Halloween, I guess you could say.
Also, on the subject of Halloween, I just have to say here, that I enjoy the dress up aspect. HOWEVER, please people, if you are going to a Halloween party where you're supposed to go in costume, please go as a gnarly old witch or a grim reaper or some chainsaw wielding, in-bred, red-eyed idiot dripping blood or a dark, terrifying demon. I love that kind of stuff. That's what Halloween is about. Scaring the shit out of people in a controlled manner. Grossness. Unease.
Do NOT (if you do not want a kick in the ging gang goolies from me) - and I'm aiming this at the ladies here, in particular - do NOT, go as a sexy school girl, or something "scary" that involves wearing an eye-covering cat mask and an ultra short skirt because I am sick to death of this nonsense. That's NOT Halloween. Here's an easy key for you to remember:
Halloween is about gross and scary.
Halloween is NOT about dressing like a slut
See? There are no tits on Halloween unless they are zombie tits, all decomposing and nasty. Dressing as a porn star nurse? Sexy? Maybe. Scary? NO, NO, NO. So please stop that. No matter what boys tell you.
There, those are the rules, now follow them.
Wow, turns out I'm a bit grouchy today, who knew?
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So. People have nudged me about my total ineptness at updating this thing and they are correct. It's just, I don't have a life reall...
No boobs on Halloween?
ReplyDeleteIt's like I don't even know you anymore.
No danger of me coming as a "sexy" anything. I am violently opposed.
ReplyDeleteSince I am a landlady in real life, I will be going this year as the landlady in Kung Fu Hustle. So sue me -- I just got around to seeing it. :-)
Pearl
I was distracted by sweat rings and bra wrangling.
ReplyDeleteAnd then honed in on the word "slut" so I'm kind of useless now.
Well...not completely useless, I suppose...
I think they make a "sexy" Jason costume now.
ReplyDeleteSo, everyone loses.
I agree that for some women Halloween seems to be all about getting their inner slut out for all to see. (Although in some cases, that CAN be scary!)
ReplyDeleteDammit. Now I guess I have to throw away my sexy Vegetable Assassin costume.
ReplyDeleteYus! Sexy halloween bothers me. Partly cos I'm jealous that I don't have the bod to do it. Partly cos, even if I did, there's no way I'd be out dressed like a skank bag. Repeat after me, "keep your gusset covered"
ReplyDeleteCan I be a sexy corpse? Please? I could do one of those cute couple theme costumes and my husband could be a necrophiliac.
ReplyDeleteThanks, now all the women are going to dress up as regular nurses. Nothing but scrubs and white shoes with plastic covers.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to hit the Halloween parties and mingle with the army of Amish catwomen you've created. Woohoo, good times!
Everyone knows flag day is about dressing slutty not halloween!!!
ReplyDeleteAgree 100% on your Halloween rules! Must be scary, or else! You want the other costume variety then save it for Carnaval in February! :p
ReplyDeleteMy favourite part of Halloween is still the Jack'o'lantern...
But we don't really do any of that in Spain so... not this year for me!
Hey I'll go as Tony and you can come as Dawn. What'da say?
ReplyDeleteI've always tried talking people into dressing up as leftovers as I myself don't feel like wrapping myself in clingfilm while sticking random pieces of deteriorated food between the layers. Also, I don't know if that classifies as "scary". Well, if the person is naked under the cling film, maybe it is?
ReplyDeleteGood point Veg. Even so, I'm still thinking of digging the sexy police lady costume out of retirement. I'll scare the heck out of the handsome boys when I give them a nice thorough frisking...
ReplyDeleteNo more slutty nurse costumes - that's what easter is for!
ReplyDeleteSarah xxx
Yeah, but what about when the wrong person goes "sexy." That alone can be very very scary to behold. Some days seeing such a sight can make it feel like Halloween.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to any Halloween parties this year, so I'm safe from both your ire and having to find something scarier in my wardrobe than my grumpy cat at being woken up.
ReplyDeleteStill laughing at Eva's comment.
ReplyDeleteAnd yea, I believe me dressed as a vamp would be way scarier than me dressed as a zombie ice killer.
Yeah! Go for it sister! What do we want? Sexy pussy cat ladies! When do we want them? Quite often, but not on halloween apparently!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if I can dress as the recession, because frankly it's scarier than a knife-wielding vampire zombie ghost ninja bear.
If I dressed like a slut it WOULD be scary!! So? That's a rule bender!!
ReplyDeleteI just watched this Halloween clip - had me thinking of your rules. enjoy
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDPc_qsLVQc
I think you are missing out on a great opportunity to go as "Slutty Muammar Gaddafi", and beat everybody to the punch.
ReplyDeleteAnd be sure to knock three times on your treadmill if you waaaaant meeeee....
I've always wanted to dress as a sexy bag-lady or a sexy elephant man...
ReplyDeleteBut it's still OK for us guys to dress up as sexy nurses though right?
ReplyDeleteOh wait were talking about Halloween. Never mind.
Well thanks a bunch for giving me a whole bunch of shit to address, you guys! Pfft.
ReplyDeleteMoooooog: Correct! The only boobs can be scary boobs. No sexy boobs. MAN BOOBS however, are permissable because, those by default, pretty much are thought of as terrifying.
Pearl: Good for you! You can kung fu those scary ass ghosts and zombies out of your way. Bring it, sistah!
Joshua: You men are obviously opposed to the no boobs on Halloween rule, but that's because in manspeak boobs>halloween therefore it doesn't matter to you. Us ladies though, we know. WE KNOW.
Eva: Indeed. Indeed it can. But even so the INTENTION is sexiness no? Yes, it is. And that's a no no for Halloween. Scary yes. Sexy no. NO matter how bad you might fail at it anyway.
Nic: Well, no, dude, don't do that! It'll be good for new year's or something. :)
Llara: YES! And for the record, I might have to change my email signature to "Keep your gusset covered" because if nothing else, it would amuse the hell out of me.
Mandy: That I might allow, purely because it's so utterly FUCKED UP and well....if you can't be fucked up on Halloween, when can you? Win!
ReplyDeleteBrandon: Awww, how sad. :) You'll have to wait till New Year's. And go out in a posing pouch to even the score. No? I think so!
Steve: There you go!!! Sluts have their day. Leave Halloween alone for gnarly things. :)
Cris: Jack-o-lanterns are the best. I love them. Someone needs to invent a pumpkin that won't go moldy in two days though so I can use my lantern FOREVER. :)
Lisle: Deal! I'll borrow some splendid bellbottoms from MisfitsVintage and off we'll go! Now that IS scary!
Wynn: Leftovers? You northerners are bizarro! :) But oddly, I like it!
ReplyDeleteEmpress: That, right there, is no big surprise to me, Empress, you pervert. However, that might be scary anyway. So I'll let it go.
Sarah: Hahaha, reinventing Easter. I'm not sure I remember the part in the bible about sluts at Easter but hell, why not!
Sunny: Yes that would be scary indeed however, they still INTEND to be sexy as said previously, they are just UNINTENTIONALLY scary. :)
Roses: Come on, I'm pretty sure you could whip up something terrifying in an instant, woman! In fact, it would be very interesting. So do it. Just to entertain ME.
Macy: Yes, yes, whatever. :) Zombies not bimbos, that's all I'm saying. Behave yourself.
TJ: Bahaha, yes, that WOULD be scary. And creative. And well, you'd probably win a prize. Do it. And don't forget to post pics. :)
ReplyDeleteLaughingmom: Not YOU too! Tsk ladies, you'd all look smashing I'm sure. But you won't because YOU WILL NOT DO SEXY ON HALLOWEEN, right?
Lisle: Thanks for that dude. That chick was kind of scary actually although I doubt that was her intention. Some good costumes in there though.
Skypop: Oh, no subject too risque for you, young man. And I laughed hard. Because I am tasteless. And it's awesome.
Stephanie: See if you could pull it off it might be ok but still not scary. Scary is key. Although, you don't know where homeless people have been really so it might well BE scary...
Christian: Oh God, it is totally ok for you GUYS. I mean if there's anything more frightening than a dude in lipstick and a dress, I have yet to meet it. :)
JUST ME: Oh good god, what next? You teach me all the interesting facts about pop culture, missy!
ReplyDeleteJUST ME: Oh good god, what next? You teach me all the interesting facts about pop culture, missy!
ReplyDeleteWhy are you trying to ruin one of the best days of the year?
ReplyDeleteHalloween is a beautiful time of the year when we hang up our inhibitions and even rejoice in the fact that even the most tame lady can get rock out in public with her gear hanging out.
It's a tradition as old as time: pick a profession or animal, add the word "slutty" to it and -boom- you've got a Halloween costume that will be the hit of the party.
Slutty Nurse, slutty kitten, slutty devil, hell, slutty worm --it all works.
Please don't take this holiday from us. Women already get secretaries' day. Let us keep Halloween.
See Mr, Johnson, we're not all that NEEDY for attention that we have to get our gear out, thanks. You can see that crap ALL THROUGH SUMMER, Halloween is for SCARY. Don't make me frown at you. I'll totally ignore that secretaries' day comment too. :)
ReplyDeleteI miss my old Halloween costumes. I had zombie costumes with a bag full of fake intestines I would rip out on occasion for effect. I used to practice certain movements so they were 'just a little off' so someone across the room looking at me would notice and more often than not creep them out. And woe to you if I smelled fear, for you would be my target for the evening... hehehehe. .. I gave plenty of people nightmares.
ReplyDeleteMuhahahahaha! I miss those days.
I'm with you! It's about scary! I especially hate it when it's young girls dressed like that. Not an appropriate costume in MHO.
ReplyDeleteOMG where to begin - I'm blinded by the Tony Orlando comment and am trying to move on, but will and you'll mock me for this:
ReplyDeleteThe lawmakers of the great State of Connecticut (had to get that in) are trying to make Halloween the last Saturday of the month of October. Ummm....excuse me, since when does one freakin state get to change Halloween?
I'm going to disappoint you further - going as Linus from the Peanuts cartoon strip for Halloween. I want to find an orange shirt for hubby and put a name tag on him that states "Great Pumpkin".
I know a little lame, but really very clever since no one has seen the great pumpkin.
Btw, drinking extra wine + KNIFE does not equal pretty pumpkin.
Lord: And to think I wondered how you got your name! :) That is AWESOME. And in the true spirit of Halloween. I want entrails and goo! YES!
ReplyDeletePat: It is, yes. I'm not against people dressing sexy in general, each to their own, you know, but I hate it being used as an excuse for attention like at Halloween. Extra sexy because it's a dress-up occasion.
Little Ms: Connecticut (have I mentioned it's just a big suburb of NY?) (hee) is an asshole. Halloween has a DATE, don't be messing. Your costume is fine. It might not be scary but at least it's creative, unlike throwing on a corset and six inch heels. We demand photos.
It took some digging, but I found where you can get your next costume at:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.collegehumor.com/video/149026/nicks-commercials-girlss-costume-warehouse
Hilarious. :) And proves my point further, I think. Nice spoof!
ReplyDeleteWhat if you made a STD costume, say a huge genital wart? You'd kind of *have* to make it slutty in order to get the point across. No? Two birds one stone, see?
ReplyDeleteI did a post on this "anti-slut-shit-Halloween-costumes" topic last year.
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of bummed I went on a rant about it last year because now I have nothing good to add. Except all the same old shit that just makes me sound like a bitter old bitch. Which is only 2/3rds true. I'll let you figure out which is which.
I'm totally not concerned about rambling on and not making sense, FYI.
I must be a strange guy. I agree with you. I saw a sexy cookie monster costume. Seriously?!! What's wrong with people? That's not Halloween. Me, I'll have a gash in my face where you can see muscle and teeth beneath my shredded cheek and I'll be mummbling something about brains.
ReplyDeleteI went to a halloween party as a skeleton and took along a fake spider.
ReplyDeleteIt was one COOL spider as it had a length of tube attached to it with a rubber bulb at the other end. Press the bulb and another piece of rubber expanded to make the spider jump.
The host decided we should put it in the loo, hidden by the door and the bulb outside, so when the girls went for a pee we could creep up to the door, press the bulb and make them jump.
You could hear the screams from Camden Town to Birmingham.
I tried to use this argument on my husband. I always lose. Which is why so far I've been
ReplyDeletea) Naughty school girl
b) Naughty cowgirl
c) Naughty janitor (don't ask)
d) Naught white trash Tinkerbell
That last one was my idea. It was brilliant, even if my boobs were popping out.
AMEN. If God wanted us to dress slutty on Halloween, He would have made the holiday occur in July. NOT THE BEGINNING OF BLOODY WINTER.
ReplyDeleteI hope everyone's tits freeze off. Now THAT'S the Halloween spirit.
This post reminds me of the scene from Mean Girls where LiLo dresses scary not realising in girl world hallowe'en costumes are sexy, not scary...
ReplyDeleteDon't these people pay attention to the first rule of horror movies? The slutty or promiscuous ones are always the first ones the deranged psychos kill first.
ReplyDeleteOf course that being said, I will miss the awesome display of 'T&A'...
Reminds me of a topical joke, a flight attendant on TWA in the 70's asked a passenger, would you like some TWA Coffee, or some TWA Soda, or TWA Tea?
Amen sister. I'm being creative this year and going as a French horn...I mean French whore...or something.
ReplyDeleteJust kidding.
I'm with you. Sluts ruin Halloween. Bitches. I like scary.
I'm going as Poison Ivy. Is that frightening enough?
ReplyDeleteNo?
Well, you know it means I could kill you with one kiss and make grass attack you and stuff, right? THAT is SCARY, right?!
Still no? Oh.
*backing away*
Sexy costumes are for role-playing the boudoir. The saying is "trick or treat", NOT "I turn tricks for treats or cash".
ReplyDeleteNon-ironic mustaches?? Where?! WHERE??!
Oh Lord, the Nolan sisters. I once visited a guy's attic out of London who was obsessed with them. Was it that they were sisters?
ReplyDeleteYou're a nut.
ReplyDelete