Friday, August 12th, 2011 - there may have been wine
I'm not a ninja. Sometimes I THINK I'm a ninja because I have some black leggings and a long black sweatshirt that I will sport on the treadmill on cool days and usually that would be enough to qualify me in the bad-ass stakes. That and I can do a mean ribcage kick. I think. I haven't actually tried it on a real person, so my abilities in this area could be somewhat in my head at this point. It's entirely possible that instead of the graceful, high-kicking angel of fluid movement I see inside my head, I may look more like Drew Carey attempting ballet after an evening swilling a keg of Amstel Light. But I think there's ninja in me somewhere waiting to get out. So if someone jumps out at you in the street, dressed all in black with sort of pale auburn hair and wearing one of those little eye things they give you on planes to supposedly help you sleep, it's not me in a moment of insanity, okay, it's a NINJA.
It's around now I have to admit that I may have had quite a lot of red coloured wine because it's Friday and it's....well...it's the law, no?
What have I done this week of interest? Well, honestly? Not a lot. Not much at all. I did go to the late showing of "Super 8" the other night and enjoyed it way more than I expected to. It was like someone clocked me over the head with a Rubix Cube and transported me back to the days of E.T. - a movie which incidentally makes me bawl to this day. I mean, (spoilers) THEY PUT E.T. IN A TENT AND POKE HIM WITH THINGS, people! Then when the kids rescue E.T. and finally he gets to go home and he tells Elliot he'll be RIGHT HERE? OMG. Niagara Falls. I'm not ashamed. That's one traumatic movie to put a kid through and even now it kills me.
"Super 8" had its little, "I have something in my eye" moments as well. I mean I didn't cry or anything but my eyes got a little itchy. Sniff. My eyeliner probably....
Also, I may have peed my pantaloons in certain scenes when slightly scary things were happening very loudly and very sporadically and at one point I believe I jumped so violently, I spastically threw a handful of popcorn into some lady's hood (sorry lady, but yay, bright side - free popcorn!) Loud stuff in movies makes me jumpy, what can I say? I'm an anxious person. It's my ninja senses.
On the subject of "Super 8" what's with the Fannings pumping out little pink actresses like a production line? What were the chances of birthing two pretty little blondes with remarkable acting abilities? Mrs. Fanning's vagina must be made of vitamins and hand spun gold. Anyway her kid did a great job. Crying realistically on cue is hard and she nailed it. Me, I'd need incentive. I'd need someone to offer me a deliciously gooey chocolate cake then at the last minute, right before I took a bite, take it away, in order to get that sort of reaction out of me.
Of course there's an equal chance they'd get an entirely different reaction out of me and wind up in the E.R. so you know...make your choices carefully.
Happy weekend, you guys!
I totally buy you as a ninja. Every ninja has a story. You could avenge the theft of your chocolate cake.
ReplyDeleteI've been debating whether to see Super 8 of not. I think I'll give it a try.
You are hilarious. This whole post was just made of wicked awesomeness.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little jealous. I haven't gotten to enjoy my Friday night boozing yet, as I'm baby sitting.
After the Friday night red wine I hope you didn't try any of that ninja stuff.
ReplyDeleteI am currently getting this tattooed across my throat:
ReplyDelete"Mrs. Fanning's vagina must be made of vitamins and hand spun gold."
Greatest sentence ever written.
Thank you, ninja.
Your servant, Sarah xxx
Sooooo funny. I've missed your posts.
ReplyDeleteI also cried at ET and one of the girls in the group had a very wet face, but denied she was crying.
I really liked that movie. Except that I found the ending a bit cheesy anti-climatic. It kept it from being a great movie...instead, it was just a good movie. But I thought the girl was AWESOME when she was pretending to be a zombie!
ReplyDelete(And also? Yay! Zombies!)
At the price gold is going for these days, that Fanning lady would do well to sell that gold-spun vagina!
ReplyDeleteI loved Super 8! No, really, I loved it SO MUCH. Like just reading this warmed my heart because it made me remember the movie. And that Fanning chick was so scarily good that I too wonder if her parents have made a pact with the devil or something. Super 8 was so mint.
ReplyDeleteOK Veg I'm off to see Super 8. I think you should see about claiming commission from Vue Cinemas now!
ReplyDeletePhone Home, Ninja.
ReplyDeleteThe Ginja Ninja's are the most formidable of them all. WE ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH!!! Welcome to the club. :)
ReplyDeletewow, see I totally thought you were a ninja and was going to hire you for a mystery takeover
ReplyDeleteYou're not a ninja?
ReplyDeleteWell, go right ahead and crush my assumptions about you. Go on. Walk all over them in your high heeled boots. And while you're at it, pour petrol over my corpse.
Oops.
Perhaps alcohol will help. Have you got any red wine left?
I really want to see that movie. I would like to see any movie... I want to get out!!
ReplyDeleteI think that the credits should include the term "Birthed by a vagina made of vitamins and hand spun gold".
Where the fuck is "Ohio"? (sigh)
ReplyDeleteGinja Ninja is one of my usernames, although I am neither ginja or a ninja. ET, love, love, LOVE it
ReplyDeleteThe funniest post I have read today. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou are even funnier with red coloured wine. What will you be like on rose or the white stuff (WINE obviously...)?
ReplyDeleteLove your blog.
Helena xx
Sorry you guys, busy weekend so I'm not getting round to responding to you all till later. GAH! :) THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS THOUGH! Responses to follow...
ReplyDeleteok i had to look up gingah. and yeah gingah ninja totally works for you. i love when a good movie takes the wind out of our sails. crazy stupid love sure as shit knocked the punk out of me. and while normally ryan gosling would be just the man to do it, it was steve carell. what a thing.
ReplyDeleteVinny: Oh you have the best ideas! I could ninja my way to a movie deal or something, no? Pass that cake!!!
ReplyDeleteC: Are you sure you hadn't started drinking yet? I'm not convinced. :)
NP: .....as if. Sniff. (nurses bruised toe)
Sarah: DO IT! That would be a rockin' tattoo. Only maybe it would be better somewhere more uh....no. No don't.
Martin: Well if you don't cry at E.T. it proves you're a SERIAL KILLER, so dude, all it proves is that you and I are NOT. We are merely awesome.
Stephanie: Yes it was a cheesy ending but I think it was that kind of movie where it fitted. E.T. was also cheesy but again, it was appropriate. I didn't mind it at all!
Eva: Hahaha, she might at that. And there's really no other response to that. :)
Nic: YES! It WAS mint. :) haha, I laughed aloud there. But seriously. SO GOOD.
Macy: You think? Them and the Showcase! Just no blaming me if you hate it though.
Betty: Hahaha, yes ma'am!!!
Vixen: DAMN straight. Don't be messin' with us. We are deadly!
Penny: No. I am not a ninja. Although, maybe in an alternate reality I AM A NINJA. I'm just stealth. Send me details. You'll find out.
ReplyDeleteRoses: Sorry man, I hate to disappoint. When I pass the ninja exam I'll let you know though, ok?
Skypop: YES! Go see it and take a load off. A nice momentary escape from reality. Do it. And you're right about the credits. Her vagina merited at least a thank you!
Gen: Hahaha, guilting me huh? Stay tuned...
Wylye: Well that IS intriguing. And confusing. But utterly COOL. :)
P: Well I might be a practice ninja but YOU can deal with POLES! Gasp!
Helena: Well rose would make me very sarcastic because who drinks rose? Really? Practice drinkers that's who. And white? Way too sophisticated to be lewd and crude. Red though? Unruly. There you go. :)
Patty: I won't tell anyone dude, really. Your secret is safe with me. Want a tissue?
Super 8, eh? Will order that one on the telly... Does everyone else love the Samburg 'On a Boat' video like I do? Is it weird to do karaoke to that? I'm thinking I need some boat time in Sardegna soon.
ReplyDeleteET is one of only two movies to ever make me cry. The other was a snuff film. Wow. Offended even myself there. Just kidding.
ReplyDeleteThe other movie that actually makes me cry is Cool Hand Luke. Favorite movie of all time but that scene where he plays the banjo after he learns his mom died gets me every time.
My vagina is made of Smarties and cob webs. I guess this explains why I don't have a brood of adorable child actresses.
ReplyDeleteEric: You do that although I recommend a big screen viewing for the volume and effects. For real. Also, take a vacation, Tex. Come on. You know you want to.
ReplyDeleteJohnson: Dude, really? YOU cry? And all this time I thought you were some kind of sarcastic robot. I'm shocked. :) But honestly, who didn't cry at E.T.? HEART OF STEEL that's who.
Beck: There's an alarming though, you with a brood of Smartie/cob webbed offspring. I guess this would happen if you procreated with Damon. Be warned!
If you need help on the ninja skills, you know where I am. Hehehe...
ReplyDeleteSo true story? I didn't love that movie. I wanted it to have more...what's the word?...PLOT. I was expecting a little more ET a little less special effect masturbation. CGI just doesn't get my bits going. Unless there are unicorns involved. Not that you need CGI for that. Because obviously.
ReplyDeleteWith a review like that, how can I NOT go see Super 8?
ReplyDeleteahahaaha@Beckeye!!
ReplyDeleteand I SWEAR..this was my intended comment:
"Mrs. Fanning's vagina must be made of vitamins and hand spun gold." See this is why I come over here. For delicious tidbits that produce the most awesome LOL moments.
But after scanning the comments, I just look like a complete copy cat poser.
Anyhow,.Sky's Dad may just be onto something...
I really liked Super 8, too. The last 15 minutes kind of blew for reasons I won't go into so as not to spoil the movie, but it didn't ruin the movie for me. The whole first hour that focused on the kids was fantastic. And it did have that 80s Spielbergian thing going for it.
ReplyDeleteE.T. on the other hand...even at 13 I was like "this shit is corny."
Lord: Well a lady always needs ninja skills help, Lord. I mean not a lot of help, certainly, as I am already pretty nifty, but pointers are always welcome.
ReplyDeleteJoshua: You can't! There you go! I don't know how old your kids are but take them! Well...maybe not if they're less than say nine or ten. Which I know they are since you're a young thing yourself and all... GO!
Candy: Hahaha, well it's true! I mean the lady's obviously sold her soul (if not that vagina!) to the devil, right? As for Skypop, he usually is onto something yes...
Words: You little cynic you. True the ending isn't as good as the rest of the movie but hell I didn't mind it. What sort of idiot says E.T. is corny???????????? Pffft! :)
I'm SO glad someone else found E.T. to be traumatizing! And, don't even get me started on Dumbo, which, I believe, scarred me for life!
ReplyDeleteI've been meaning to see Super 8 because it was filmed like 5 miles from my hometown!
Whoa that is wicked cool! You live ON LOCATION! :) So what is Lillian actually called? You're also right about Dumbo and OMG...BAMBI. I will never get over Bambi, man...
ReplyDeleteHEY ELLY! :) I was just saying to someone that what i liked about Super 8 was they did NOT go special effects mad. I mean there were some big humdinger effects here and there, certainly but I didn't think they overdid it at all. Weird huh! Clearly I'm right though because I said so... :) PS Have you popped yet?
ReplyDeletePffft! Scope, Gwen and I had a discussion about ET the other week that you just reminded me of:
ReplyDeleteScope: "Why isn't ET rated G? That's odd, isn't it?"
Me: "NO. ET is scary if you're a little kid. My brother used to have nightmares about ET in drag. Not. Kidding--"
Gwen: "Baaahahahahahaha!"
Me: "--Plus, there's the whole bad language thing."
Scope: "There's no bad language in ET."
Me: "Oh, yes, there is."
Gwen: "What bad language? Where? What did they say? Tell me! Tell me! TELL ME!!!!"
Scope: "No there isn't."
Me: *glaring with hands on hips*
Scope: "Are you sure? I don't remember there being bad language."
Me: "PENIS BREATH!!!!"
Scope: *blank stare*
Me: "Elliot shouts 'penis breath' in it!"
Scope: "I don't remem--"
Me: "Well, I do. You'll see." *grabs DVD to put into DVD player*
Gwen: "How can someone be a you-know-what breath?"
Me: "Never mind, just watch the movie."
Elliot in the kitchen scene a few minutes later: "Penis breath!"
Me: "YOU SEE?!?!"
God, I love being right. Even if it means I have to shout 'penis breath' at my husband and kid in my living room.
I KNOW! I remember that too. I remember thinking it was kind of surprising for a "kids" film. :) I'd have stood up for you, dude. Hahaha!
ReplyDeleteHaha, Cora. It's like a Norman Rockwell painting!
ReplyDeleteOnly even MORE demented. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah. Penis breath. After I saw "E.T.," I called my older brother penis breath and he ran and told my dad. (Mind you, I was 10 and he was 20 DAMN YEARS OLD and could have handled the situation in a non-tattling way.) So my dad started yelling at me and I'm like, "I don't know why I said it, I just heard it in a movie...I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!" Later, I told my sister that I assumed it was some kind of lizard and she was like, "Yeah, you're not far off."
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA! YOU WERE INNOCENT? I can't remember such a medieval time. :) I thought of you today actually when passing a giant screen showing one of your floppy haired British boyfriends.
ReplyDeleteE.T. scared me a lot more than Super 8. Mainly because E.T. looked like a really old person while the Super 8 monster was obviously fake.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid of old people.
Veg! Although I have been living in Michigan for the past 6 years and have recently moved to Texas - I'm an Ohioan! From Columbus to be more specific and I have another fun fact about Ohio for you - Columbus has the largest population of lesbians in the United States.
ReplyDeleteNow to be fair, I made this up, but that never stopped me from telling it to everyone I've ever met because it makes Columbus sound way more cool.
Of course Columbus needs all the help it can get in the "cool" department since I've moved away.