New Jersey, Old Jokes

Friday, February 18th, 2011 – I have officially resigned my brain, no sleep, dull

What can I say about New Jersey that you don’t already know, or at least, think you know, i.e., that it’s a steaming hotbed of Bruce Springsteen, heavy industry, guidos, The Sopranos and big hair?

New Jersey is known as “the garden state”, a fact that’s puzzling to many since gardens aren’t really the first thing that spring to mind when you think of New Jersey. They might be the seventh. (The first six are Jon Bon Jovi.)

Talking of Bon Jovi, I was reading earlier that New Jersey has the densest population of any state in the United States. I thought that was kind of mean really. I mean they can’t ALL be moronic, tiny, gnome-like loudmouths with big hair who write bad song lyrics, right? Then I realized it actually meant that NJ is the most heavily populated state and well, didn’t I feel stupid! And more than a little surprised, since that had sounded entirely plausible to me.

Simmer down, I’m kidding, Jersey folks.

Anyway, industrial northern New Jersey is probably what most of us think of when we think of New Jersey, which we tend to do only when we’re forced to, usually because we have to get from New York to Philadelphia in a hurry and because New Jersey’s the only thing standing in the way. By the way, have you ever driven on the New Jersey Turnpike? It’s delightful. People driving like they’re on meth, at 90 mph and weaving all over the road? That’s where I learned my giant swear vocabulary you know – on the NJ turnpike. My only guess is they drive like that because they’re frantically doing their utmost to get out of Jersey and into Delaware or New York before it gets dark.

Wait, what was I saying about northern Jersey? Well there’s a lot of industry. End of story. It has Newark Airport, full of lots of indifferent TSA agents all vying to make your day of travel even more miserable. Oh and Elizabeth, NJ has some big docks. And more importantly, an Ikea.

One of the things NJ is famous for, other than John Travolta, Stephanie Plum and people called “Vinnie”, is the Jersey Devil – a hairy creature, descended from an old Jersey whore, and which is rumoured to be roaming the rural backwoods of Southern New Jersey. Various people have reported sightings of this fearsome beast over the decades, but I think there’s a severe possibility that it’s merely Snooki squeezed into a tiny dress several sizes too small and lost after a night out drinking tequila shots and being punched in the face by frat boys.

How about something you like about NJ, Veg, you don’t cry. Well, it’s funny you didn’t ask, because I like that it’s illegal to pump your own gas in Jersey. A dude still comes and does it for you like it’s 1955. His name’s probably Vernon or something. He has a wife named Vera, two kids (Skip and Judy) and drives a Buick with white wall tires.

What else? Oh yes, I believe there’s an ongoing skirmish between New Jersey and New York about who actually rightfully owns the Statue of Liberty. New Jersey claims it’s on their land (or water) and New York’s all, “Hey, fugeddaboudit that bitch is ours!” and people insult other people’s mamas and sulk in corners and yell insults in faux American-Italian accents. NJ gets the tiny, loud, orange goblin from “Cake Boss” to come in and throw a hissyfit. Insults are hurled. New York starts to cry. NJ then brings out the big guns by getting first son Danny De Vito involved. It’s ugly. (And he’s no oil painting either.) NY maintains principal ownership of the statue, although I believe technically it’s supposed to be shared. I would go look it up to be really accurate, but really, do you care? I don’t care. Fuck that.

Back to religion. So far NJ is a winner in one category – heathenism. Between 15 and 20% of people in NJ are not religious. Which really should endear it to me more than it does. And it’s actually a surprise because with all those Italian Guidos running around, you’d think they’d be a pretty Catholic state, no? Even though Guidos seem to break all the commandments and also a few that weren’t even invented.

I think that’s about it. I could go on, but I’ve already shortened this about three times and it’s not endearing me to the NJ populus much, so maybe it’s time to quit before someone tries to cut my throat. In the words of famous New Jerseyite, Gloria Gaynor, let me just give you a fist pump, New Jersey, and yell “I will survive!”

Next week come to California!