Thursday, February 10th, 2011 - Freeze-your-tits-off cold, barbecue chips, paint, whiny
This week’s been freezing cold, as I'm currently holed up in Canada unable to keep up with matters. You know that point in the month when you’re wearing your last clean pair of underwear because the mere idea of leaving a warm apartment and walking the fifty yards to the laundry room is just too much to bear because it would mean putting on pants not made of flannel and footwear (maybe) and a bra? Then you realize you are looking like you’ve just returned from being stranded on a desert island, complete with dirty face and feral yeti hair – picture the female equivalent of “The Dude” – and the fridge is starting to growl like an empty belly because you desperately need to drag your lazy ass to the supermarket? But it’s just so cold out and too much effort.What’s the current temperature here in the cold assed Canadian ice fields, you ask? Somewhere around the temperature that cracks steel.
Talking of the supermarket (?) I made a small, impromptu visit last night, to get oatmeal and yogurt but instead got a touch sidetracked and ended up with a block of strong cheese, ginger ale and a giant wedge of chocolate that could take out a school bus if hurled correctly. This caused an excitement so great I totally forgot all about the oatmeal, which meant breakfast this morning consisted of a handful of Old Dutch potato chips and a glass of orange juice, a fact I’m not even apologetic about.
Plus when you stop and think about it, why should potato chips be any MORE unhealthy if you eat them for breakfast than any other time of day? They don’t magically turn into health food in your innards if you eat them with a sandwich for lunch, now, do they?
Although technically potatoes are vegetables, right? Aren’t we always being told to “eat more veggies?
Then I rest my case.
Also, if I can just suggest for a moment that whoever invented places like “Bulk Barn” need to be kicked in the netherlands. Any place that hypnotizes you with serene elevator music on its sound system then allows you to shovel giant trowels full of chocolate raspberry fondant balls (for example) into a bag until it overflows, is evil. Genius, but evil. Yet the other day, when I painted for about fourteen hours straight, those balls were appreciated because they gave me stamina and inspiration.
Inspiration to eat more balls, really.
Yes I did say that.
State facts are late this week, but what you are going to do, sue me? Suck on my chocolate raspberry balls and chill, people.
I'd let you eat my balls but at -27, good luck finding them.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha! I laughed. I now have a piece of chip wedged in my throat. That's what happens when you put salty things in your mouth too early.
ReplyDeleteShut up.
Tragibar sounds like a place where sad, sad girls go. And all they play is Celine Dion, but in "musak" form.
ReplyDeleteYes, because Celine Dion alone isn't tragic enough...
ReplyDeleteMmmmmm. Chocolate balls....
ReplyDeleteYou are hilarious. Cold weather also leaves me hoping to the higher ups that I make it home and to my next destination on E because I refuse to get out and get gas. (Luckily, most places I go are within a 5 mile radius so so far I've been lucky!)
ReplyDeleteCora: Yes ma'am! Ha, I just called you 'ma'am'. You are suddenly sixty.
ReplyDeleteJules: Wait...you are on E? Holy shit that explains a lot. :) Do you dance to your destination? To really bad electronica?
This is usually when people brag about how warm it is where they are, but I won't do that, not because it isn't warm, but because I am far too kind to do so...even though in a round about way I did.
ReplyDeleteAt least you got ginger ale. Mix it with your OJ in the morning. It will make your breakfast that much healthier.
Funny Stuff I Write
Ha, no, don't do it. I might bite. Or you could just bottle up some of that heat and mail it to me? Sob.
ReplyDeleteYou know what is good? Cranberry ginger ale and orange juice. And know what is REALLY good? Cranberry Ginger Ale, VODKA and orange juice. :) I haven't tried that for breakfast yet...
I wonder what hurts more - getting kicked in the netherlands or the Swiss alps?
ReplyDeleteMy balls will melt in your mouth.
ReplyDeleteThe bulk shopping places have no soul, and they try and suck my soul out to use while they drive by with pallet loads of balls.
ReplyDeleteHoly Hades! And I thought 3 degrees was cold.
ReplyDeleteLast night Ryan and I went to the store to find something for dinner and I walked out of there with yogurt, chocolate and cat litter. WTF?
ReplyDeleteAnything with chocolate and raspberry has to be delicious! And I find now fault with eating potato chips for breakfast....they're just a step away from homefries!
ReplyDeleteI don't go inside Costco anymore.
ReplyDeleteI always black out and end up walking back to my car with a 2 pound bag of gummi bears.
Heh. Oh Veggie Hayes, you rock my world. Like with rock salt. 'Cause everything is covered in ice.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was the only lazy bastard that felt like it was too cold to go outside to do laundry. Curse those people with their fancy state of the art washer/dryer sets in their homes! (that's just my bitter, cold ass talking)
ReplyDeleteBeck: Good question. I'm sure a swift kick to the Alps isn't fun either. I mean jesus, MY Alps hurt all on their own at certain times of the month, know what I'm saying?
ReplyDeleteSkypop: Correct. They sold their souls for two tons of beans or something. (what?)
Jules: You thought correct. It's just LESS cold...
Nova: Haha, at least you came out with something semi healthy though. I suppose. Well apart from the cat litter. I just hope you have cats is all.
Eva: You just made a great point. I feel so vindicated now. There is STRENGTH to my actions. Thank you!
Just Me: Me neither. No I don't want a platter of fruit the size of my entire floor plan, thank you!
Elly: Rock salt is an asshole. Getting plugged up in the grooves in my boots and making me growl.
J: My laundry room? INDOORS. I don't even have to GO outside. Yet it's outside my actual apartment, hence laziness. :)
Bloody hilarious post and forget the raspberry choc balls...I want a that wedge of chocolate that could take out a school bus...
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's big enough we could SHARE IT and it could STILL take out a school bus! Of oourse, it's less big NOW... :)
ReplyDelete-27 but at least it's sunny right? Plus it's always sunny in Bulk Barn.
ReplyDeleteIt's actually VERY sunny, which fools you into going "Oh, spring is almost here, it's so BEAUTIFUL out!" then you stick your arm out the window and it freezes in seconds and falls off and you realize that, :) once again, you were wrong.
ReplyDeleteferal yeti hair = best description ever!
ReplyDeleteagreed - potato chips are veggies. and oatmeal raisin cookies are like fruit and fiber.
i say we start a chain of healthy potato chip and oatmeal raisin cookie bars with ginger ale smoothies.
Now THERE'S an interesting idea. :) Maybe they could sell chocolate chip cookies too because chocolate is made from milk which has calcium therefore, good for the bones. Oh Il like this new chain already!
ReplyDeleteChocolate raspberry balls sound delish ...and everyone knows the boys fancy girls who eat balls. ...And speaking of balls, winters in the northern hemisphere suck big hairy donkey balls. Sorry for your misery.
ReplyDeletehttp://rantersbox.blogspot.com/
It does that, Empress. It's all balls. But hey, summer is lovely so it's a nice trade off.
ReplyDeleteSuck on your chocolate raspberry balls?
ReplyDeleteDon't tempt me.
Ha! I have balls to go round. You can suck on them all you want. Mmmm raspberry...balls.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Perv.
chocolate raspberry balls sound yummy!!
ReplyDeleteThe "P.S. Perve" comment made me giggle much more than any of the balls this and balls that comments. After 28 comments about balls you finally call someone on it. Ü That is funny.
ReplyDeleteFunny Stuff I Write and Draw
Manager: They ARE yummy. Sadly not calorie free however... I'll eat one for you, how's that?
ReplyDeleteCharlie: This is sadly true. It's okay to make sexy jokes about balls until you're lucky number 30 or something. :) It was a call out in an affectionate "I want to lick you" type of way though, honestly.
And now I'm wondering what kind of odd google searches will lead people to you...
ReplyDeleteI'll tell you one thing. They couldn't be any weirder than the ones that already DO.
ReplyDeleteSmall world, I lived in Tragibar throughout my entire pregnancy. Though I wouldn't consider myself Tragibanese, I just don't have the taste for balls you all do. Plus, the Tragiban is dangerous- had to get outta there.
ReplyDeleteI need a nap.
Dude, I'm glad you escaped to Sanityville (!) and I hope to escape Tragibar myself some day. Not any day soon though, I'm pretty sure. But one day. Then the world will be mine.
ReplyDeletethe other day i had a turkey sandwich and chips for breakfast. i thought my mother was going to disown me. she said (very seriously) "you just don't do that. it's lunch food."
ReplyDeletei swear, she would have been less upset if, when she called me, i said "i'm having crack for breakfast."
Just for you. You're welcome. :)
ReplyDeletehttp://m.youtube.com/#/watch?desktop_uri=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DACDOBjPHqb8&v=ACDOBjPHqb8&gl=US
I wear flannel pants everywhere. I actually have some pairs I consider "formal."
ReplyDeleteJess: I know, if it's ok for lunch why not breakfast? It makes no sense, it's just conditioning. Plus no one cares if you eat Cornflakes for dinner, right?
ReplyDeleteChunky Mama: Thank YOU with your Justin Bieber loving ways. :)
Libby: That's ok man, I understand. Me and pajamas have become one with each other. They're like second skin. Do your formal flannels have a tuxedo stripe? :)
Just laughed aloud at "What you gonna do? Suck on my chocolate raspberry balls and chill"
ReplyDeleteWith The Accounts being late and all, I intend to use this phrase at some point to the auditors today.
After I get some balls that is...
I got enough balls to fill an entire Tupperware. Seriously. I have a fridge full of balls. It's shameful.
ReplyDeleteWow, very informative. So informative, in fact, that I'm going to follow you to keep informed...on anything and everything.
ReplyDeleteFunny post!
Admit it Shannon. One of these two things is true: You either just like balls, or, you meant to comment on the Massachusetts post. Now which is it... :)
ReplyDeleteI can not believe that you painted for fourteen hours straight! That's so inspiring. I don't think I've ever been dedicated enough to something to do it for that long.
ReplyDeleteWait! Let's not forget drinking. I have actually shown remarkable dedication to that pursuit. Good. I feel superior again.
Damn it! I know I commented on this about James Spader. grumblegrumblegrumble
ReplyDeleteMmm...Spader.