I’m feeling perturbed today. I think it’s that time of the month we ladies enjoy so much. The one where someone sucks out all our normal cells and replaces them with those of a psychotic, attention deficient, parrot. A parrot who loves chocolate and zits on their chin. I don’t know what else it could be, man. I have good coffee. I have new boots. I have Kashi bars with chocolate in them. I have my reading glasses on (tres sexy). I have clean hair. Normally these things combined would make me little miss sunshine. Not today though. I’m pouting.
1) People who use the word “heroes” incorrectly for one. Cases in point;
“The Chilean miners are heroes!”
“The people who died on 9/11 are heroes.”
WRONG. All of those people are victims of bad circumstances or of bad people.
They’re tragic consequences of fate. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time and something bad happened to them. Heroes? No. The heroes are the people who devised ways to pull those poor men out of that mine. Who showed up every day for months at the World Trade Center site to sift through ash and asbestos and shards of plastic and rubble to find tiny pieces of human remains, despite the danger to themselves.
You are not a hero because something bad happens to you. Stop incurring my wrath, people. I will spoon out your eyes and feed them to a crocodile.
2) I am also feeling a touch disgruntled at airlines who seem unwilling to sell a person a one way ticket unless they’re willing to pay as much as, or more than, the round trip price. WHY? What the fuckety? Let me get this right. I want to travel half the distance, taking up only one seat and half the fuel but you want to charge me more than if I did that all twice? Fuck right off. A turd on your pillow, airlines, you money sucking, tight wadded fucknuggets.
3) People who look at me wrong. You’ve been warned. Also people who point out how grammatically bad “people who look at me wrong”, is. See? I’m not myself at all. Or maybe I am. You decide.
What’s pissing you guys off today? Tell your auntie Veg.
<3 <--I less then three you! hardcore
ReplyDeleteWhats pissing me off today is piss, literally. My doc says I'm not drinking enough cause I'm knocked up.
This kid already treats my fricken bladder like a damn moon bounce. I think I'm going to have to move my office into the bathroom. (The cozy stall not the cramped one of course.)
Maybe I'll be all bathroom troll about it when someone comes in. 'who dares enter my lair??'
Hmmm, maybe this water thing wont be so bad after all.
Yikes, dude. You're knocked up AND not drinking enough? That's a bad situation because you do drink enough and you're peeing every five seconds. You cannot win! And you can't even drink ALCOHOL. I'm in mourning for you,really.
ReplyDeleteThere is NOTHING grammatically bad about "people who look at me wrong"!
ReplyDelete"...[with a] wrong [look]" is understood.
I don't know, man. It sounds dodgy. Like Gary Busey dodgy. But if you say so I bow to you. You know your shit. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, its tragic. but please hold back your tears. If you cry I'll cry.
ReplyDeleteBut maybe this way (what with me playing bathroom troll) I'll get more blogging done in there!
The sad day will be when they disallow pregnant ladies like yourself to eat cake. Then I'll protest on your behalf.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I hated that invasion of privacy bs with apartments. Had to unstring all the shotgun traps and poison gas (kidding!!!).
ReplyDeleteYou put all your underwear away, even the ones you were wearing? Whoa.
Actually, Tex, I never leave undies lying around or anything, but WHAT IF I DID? I reserve the right to do so without some pervy super dude coming in and leering. I have nothing to hide, but I just hate someone insisting they're coming in whether I like it or not. I ought to change the damn locks.
ReplyDeleteWhat pisses me off is my neighbour playing Johnny Cash at max volume at 2am. "Burning Ring of Fire"! "Burnign Ring of Fricken Fire". I want to burn their damn nads off. But thanks to your suggstion I may stab them in the nads before hand, perhaps whilst singing "Boy named Sue".
ReplyDeletePlease tell me you at least ONCE yelled, "I'll give you a ring of fire, fucknuts!" I hate people with loud music at obnoxious hours. It makes me VERY stabby indeed. Don't be antisocial. It'll get you killed.
ReplyDeleteThe reason they have to come in so often is to adjust the hidden cameras. It would be boring to only ever get the same angle day after day.
ReplyDeleteI love stabby.
That's what I'm thinking! That's why I want to be here. To keep an eye on them. :) Stabby is your middle name, Kimmie.
ReplyDeleteI hate the waitress who laughed at me last night for ordering so much food. I'm HUNGRY, BITCH! DAYUM!
ReplyDeletewhat pisses me off? My daughter in law who has decided to leave my son and their kids, refuses to go to counseling, and can't give him a reason.
ReplyDeleteWith you in this mood, Veg- please come over here (buy a return, so that this mood continues) and then umm... meet this rude menopausal colleague of mine.
ReplyDeleteThe rest, I leave in your hands;)
It also pisses me off when people toss out hero. But the biggest thing that pisses me off? Those ass-hats who park in the lined off area next to my van so I can't lower the ramp and get my son in or out.
ReplyDeleteThere is a special nad-burning section in hell for them.
Well, Auntie Veg, first of all, stabby is one of my new favorite words. One of my fave authors uses it all the time and I'm trying to incorporate it into my daily vocab. Second, "What the fuckety," wins the Oscar for best new phrase! I lurve it.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, you rock. I love your writing. I love your posts. We should be BFFs, or not, whatever.
God, you're adorable when you're cranky! :)
ReplyDeleteI HATE IT WHEN THEY COME IN ALL THE TIME! one time they came in unannounced while we were gone and MAGICALLY my bra was somehow MOVED! WHAT THE FUCK?
ReplyDeletegreat, now you made me all righteously mad. you want me to come over with my stabbin' knife to help?
The same thing is pissing me off that has been for, like, 3 months now. Every time I get online, I'm accosted by pictures and news of and about Taylor Momsen. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS FUCKING GIRL AND HOW HARDCORE SHE THINKS SHE IS. Why does everyone else???
ReplyDeleteSteamy: Yes! TELL THAT BITCH! A hungry woman deserves to be heard and not ridiculed for her ginormous portions. She only wishes she could eat as much as you and be half as sexy.
ReplyDeleteEva: I've never seen you in stabby mode before, Eva, you go girl!
Reenie: I will mentally call her a toad and cover her in custard, how's that? Silly rude bint.
Skypop: I agree. Same goes for those fucknuts who park in the handicapped spaces at the supermarket in their giant SUVs and sprint into the store in their designer clothing and iPhone, clearly not handicapped. Eff you people.
Ms. Salti: Stabby is a great word. It's a perfect description of a pissy mood. And you just run with fuckety, I won't hold it against you. And hell, a person needs as many BFFs all over the place as possible, no?
Robin: Heh! Miss crankypants is my name. Adorable isn't exactly what I'd call it though...Hmmm.
Beckster: YES! ME TOO! I'm going to set a trap next time involving bras. Since you've sussed that bras are their kryptonite. I'm going to place strategic bras around and see what transpires...
BeckEye: YES! That fucking teenage punkcess is an abomination. She's hilarious in a not at all intentional way. Because really Taylor, no one has EVER dressed punky and pouted and said outlandishly immature stuff before in rock music. No really, you're the first. I think she's going to be mortally embarrassed when she's 30. For real. She's going to be like "Oh Jesus, tell me I didn't." Well you did, Asshat.
Well, this isn't pissing me off today but it pissed me off on Sunday so I'll run with it. Customs. How many times do I have to answer about wether or not I've brought animals, plants or food in to the country with me. I told the first chick, the guy at the baggage place, that hot guy with the blue eyes with the drug dog, the bald guy close to the exit, the guy AT the exit, the bus driver who asked and then the homeless person. The homeless person might have asked for different reasons but why are they at the airport?
ReplyDeleteHahaha, believe me I hear you on that. I think I've been asked approximately 700 times in the last year alone. Jesus Christ. :)
ReplyDeleteWell for one madame Veg... I love that you used the word "fuckety". I'm informing you that I will use this word in the future, and I will lead those I use it upon to think that I concocted the word all on my own. Also stabity... Yea me too. I have a 90% chance of bitchiocity on a daily basis. So yay for misery!
ReplyDeleteIt's just today in particular, J. It's a stabby day. One might say (if one was you) that it's been a day of complete stabbity. 2 bs. Please be grammatically correct. I also enjoy pigfuckery. The word I mean not...never mind.
ReplyDeleteFuckety fucknuggets! Love it!! And I concur with numbers 2 and 4. Airlines need to stop with the jackarsery AND those fuckwit property managers need to stay the effing hell out as well. I say we protest -- and eat lots of chocolate. Oh and maybe rip a few eyeballs out and feed them to the crocs! Rant on my veggie sister : )
ReplyDeleteI was going to say that you are my hero but you're kind of just sitting there typing and I'm the one making the AMAZING COMMENTS to bring this to an entirely different new level so I guess it's me.
ReplyDeleteSigned,
Bette Midler
Sorry you were having such a bad day, but i don't blame you? Ive never had someone come and inspect my house? I wouldn't be able to live here if I did.. they wouldn't let me. I hope today is a better day. If you need to torture someone, do it.It helps. Just please make sure it's my exboyfriend. Thanks auntie!
ReplyDeleteThe thing about your super...oooooh that would piss me off. You should make them really uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteWhat's pissing me off? Waiting. I HATE waiting. For anything. It makes steam come out of my ears.
There's a pill for that, I'm sure.
Empress: I agree wholeheartedly with all of that. Naturally, since you're agreeing with me and all... :) CHOCOLATE FTW.
ReplyDeleteMoooooog Midler: I always knew you were a ginger Jewish lady with pipes! Well done. Freak boy.
Carissa: Haha, do you live in a house full of torture instruments? Filled with prosthetic limbs? The mind wants to know.
Ms. OWO: Yeah those bastards. I should open the door in my underwear holding a beer and playing death metal. That'd show them. As for waiting? I HATE IT TOO. Grrrr.
"suite inspections" WTF is that shit?!
ReplyDeleteYou should have a friend play play dead in a closet, wrap him in red paint spattered clear plastic (like Dexter uses). When the inspector turns to you in shock and disbelief have your friend jump on his back and yell, "HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"
Make sure you video the whole thing too.;)
I agree with 1) & 2)
ReplyDeleteI’m indifferent to 3) & 4) – actually I didn’t know that I was indifferent. Mrs S told me. Is indifferent one word or two?
I’m not pissed about anything. I’m so happy, oh so happy, I’m as happy as happy can be……
Have a lovely, happy, fun day, from Boonie
Oh man, Twin. Where were YOU yesterday? I need this sort of encouragement. I mean how sweet would that be? Holy crap. I'd settle for getting some of those scary contact lenses that make you look all Marilyn Manson and just following them around breathing heavily and staring. But your version is just perfect.
ReplyDeleteBoonie: Well you are a little ray of sunshine, Sir. No one makes your day hell because you're too happy! Give me some of that happy juice.
ReplyDeleteWait, that came out ALL wrong.
I'm stabby because my (brilliant) retirement plan of winning the lottery and travelling a lot is not working out as planned.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wrote down that goal and everything.
Stupid Tony Robbins.
Toenails. Toenails make me angry. Them with all their "growing" and needing to be cut. Like repeatedly. I swear, it's like every month with those things. Oppressors.
ReplyDeleteYeah that motivational idiot! No wonder you're stabby Brute. No wonder.
ReplyDeletehey why not leave the t.v on with some hardcore porn involing nuns and midgets playing on a loop. ah, oh, er, maybe not a good idea he may still be there when you get back.
ReplyDeletejust leave a humungus log in the john!
Elly: Yeah, screw those sharp, little, continually growing fucks!
ReplyDeleteJoe: Better still, leave that humungus log on the FLOOR! Win!
Today MEN are pissing me off. Men and their mixed up signals. And why aren't high heeled shoes comfortable? And also why is it that I have five months of work where I have so much to do I think I might explode from stress followed by a month of pretending to work because THERE IS NOTHING TO DO??? Where is the balance in that???
ReplyDeleteYep. I'm in a ranty mood too apparently...
Ah isn't that just the joys of the corporate world, P? Get some nice wine and relax while you can. :) And toast those mixed signal boys all to hell.
ReplyDeletehow 'bout the email sent round from the Burgermeister Meisterburger at work today who said anyone found using their cell phone will be arrested and thrown und der dungeon... Sent out by the same person who is CONSTANTLY on her cell phone...?? Is that pissy enough, or have I had just too wonderful a day to qualify??
ReplyDeleteWell cap'n I think that sounds like a stabby situation! Maybe you could torture her a little first? Just for the hell of it. Maybe take photos of her in the nip and send them to the CEO?
ReplyDeleteLet me just tell you. Your whole thing? About the heroes?
ReplyDeleteSo. Much. Word.
But let me tell you why it pisses ME off and makes me all stabby.
If I have to hear one more teenybopper tween say that Nick Jonas is a hero because he's got The Disbeetus, I'm going to CUT A BITCH.
Why does that make him a hero? Because his poor ickle pancreas doesn't work.
I want to tell those kids something. I've had the same kind of diabetes as that asshat NJ for longer than HE'S BEEN ALIVE. Does that make ME a hero?
No. It makes me someone who wants to STAY ALICE.
. . .motherfuckers.
Go Sarah you feisty beeyatch! :) You're right of course. You're not a hero for having a disease. You might be admirable for not letting it hold you back or for putting on a brave face but for having it? PFFFT! I have to say though, the first time I read your comment I was all "WHO THE HELL IS ALICE?" For real. I thought, "Sarah is really Alice?" Then you know, I grew a brain. ALIVE!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you about the heroes thing. I think people may say these people are "heroes" because they can't imagine themselves surviving or thriving in a situation like that.
ReplyDeleteThese are all worthy irritations of course, period or no period! I hope you feel better soon. Chocolate seems best to me.
A massive amen to your heroes comments. I really detested how every cop and firefighter in the world became a "hero" following 9/11. I'm sure there are heroic cops and firefighters, but the word is bandied about so often now that it's meaningless.
ReplyDeleteOn my stabworthy list this week: people who continue to wear their sunglasses on the subway. You're indoors. And you're underground. Please kill yourself.
Ashley: I think so too. Or because they think they're supposed to. Or they can't think of anything else to say. There ought to be another word between heroes and victims that can be used. "Victims" is so passive yet it's what they are, technically.
ReplyDeleteJohnson: Agreed. They do their jobs and sometimes that involves genuine heroism. The rest of the time they are doing what they're paid to do. The guys down there doing their thing on 9/11 are heroic, I don't dispute that one bit, I lived in lower Manhattan at the time and I saw them every day covered in shit, looking exhausted and haunted. I have a friend who was a cop at the time and worked Ground Zero in the days following. I know the shit they did. But you're correct. That's a specific situation. The rest of the time it's on a one to one basis. You're not a hero till you've earned it.
Don't even get me started Auntie Veg. Just don't! Hope things are looking up now. Sidenote: why dont those inspectors do something about the mouse?
ReplyDeleteI hate it when my husband asks me four questions at once and expects me to remember, or care, what they all are.
ReplyDeleteI just came back and read your response to what I said, and my first instinct was to die of mortification due to the misspelling of "alive" whilst trying to make a point.
ReplyDeleteAnd then, instead, I decided that I am BADASS for making up my own alter ego.
Sarah = Alice
Incidentally, a double identity makes me EVEN MORE AWESOME than Nick Jonas.
So all in all, a success.
Jules: I haven't seen that little effer in ages. Maybe he eloped? :)
ReplyDeleteMadame: You're making a very good point there as always, Madame.
Sarah: That's right. Typos = awesome. You stand by that theory. I'll back you up! Honest.
I have a totally new picture of pandas now. Thanks a lot. No really.
ReplyDelete*pouts*
Wow, I believe that I'm actually challenged enough to comment on the wrong post. But you get it. And.. let's not talk about this out loud.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha, luckily I understand thish sort of gibberish (I do it myself a lot) so I understood perfectly. :)
ReplyDelete