Hmm. Still snowing like a bitch outside. Although that’s a pretty stupid saying since bitches, to the best of my knowledge, have nothing to do with snow. But still. Snow makes me grouchy. It’s cold and wet and makes the car slip around unattractively and makes me say things like “Holy fucking fuck!” and pray not to die even though I don’t believe in God.
Today’s actually my birthday. I know, right, who has a birthday in the frozen asshole of winter? Well now you know the answer. I do. And even though it’s not a big landmark birthday or anything fancy like that, I had decided to have a nice, relaxing “me” day where I didn’t do anything at all but stay home and wallow in my greatness and be all luxurious and pampering.
What have I actually been doing? Sleeping a little later than normal then doing laundry and cleaning and all the other things I’ve neglected lately. Every time I’m about to sit down and read some blogs and drink my coffee and eat a Mars Bar and gloat a lot, I see something else I need to do but haven’t had time lately.
Seriously, how does a bathroom get so damn messy in ten days? HOW? Maybe I go in there in my sleep and throw stuff around and rub soil on the floor and overflow the garbage can? It’s the only explanation, I feel.
I am however clinging to my desperate attempts to have a nice day by imagining there will be lots of cake and alcohol in my immediate future, if I can get anywhere to do either of those things without dying or freezing to death. Even if I can make it to the liquor store I will be happy. I’m not fussy. Right now I’m hating all you people with July birthdays who never have to deal with this crap.
But first I’m…you know…going to put a load in the dishwasher.
Then I’m going to get busy rampaging and rebelling my way through the rest of the day.
Hey, if nothing else I have clean pants.
Awww happy birthday Veg! Happy cold winter birthday.
ReplyDeleteThank you Nicole. Thank you for rubbing that in. Happy fucking Christmas to you. :) Brrrr!
ReplyDelete.♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪... Happy Birthday to you!♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...Happy Birthday to you!♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪.. Happy Birthday!.....♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪..Happy Birthday .♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...Happy Birthday to you!....♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥
ReplyDeleteHow about that fancy-pants shit I stole just for you?
Dude, that's fancy with a capital EFF! As in "EFF ME THAT IS FANCY!" Thank you. I appreciate it. Your singing is just like honey to my ears. Not sticky though. I meant smooth and sweet. And attractive to bees!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteThanks dude. Wow, that's the least you've ever said. Are you ill? Usually you have some insult up your sleeve. I'm worried about you.
ReplyDeleteYou have the same birthday as my old man! Happy day to you! Although his was yesterday because as we all know Australia is IN THE FUTURE!
ReplyDeleteMy birthday conversation with my dad over the phone.
Me: "Hey, how's your day? what you been doing?"
Dad: "Nothing much, just fart-arseing around"
Me: "Can't wait to hear all about it"
Dad: "I doubt it. Hey, did you call me about an hour ago?"
Me: "Nup"
Dad: "Some bastard hung up on me. Well, I better go"
Me: "Bye"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY VEG!
Well clearly your dad is awesome. I mean there's no debate, you share a birthday with me, you're just plain fantastic. Although you may argue I'm somewhat less fantastic because I cannot be in the future like you. Damn it. I still have 9 whole hours of birthday left.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had made this for you. But someone else made it. And I'm using it. As a gift for you. And Hamish.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QK-o04AIgw
OMG.
ReplyDeleteSomeone put acid in the birthday cake. Large gyrating people and sombreros. It's like they KNOW my secret desires! :) Thanks man. I may never recover.
Happy Birthday! I hope the bitch snow stops for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm sure it will. In a few months. :) Pah!
ReplyDelete"who has a birthday in the frozen asshole of winter?"
ReplyDeleteIf there was a world wide award for best "line 'o the day." You would certainly win it for this one!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
I doubt my mum would agree with you there, Pat. She didn't bring me up to talk about frozen assholes or any other type of asshole. But I defy logic. :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday Veg!
ReplyDeleteThanks girlie! Enjoy the lovely English snow I hear you're having. :)
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Veg, from someone who really does have a July Birthday (not that i'm gloating or anything, i wouldn't do such a mean-arse thing).
ReplyDeleteYou beeyatch. I bet you get to have picnics and fun things like that on your birthday. I bet you don't have to wear four sweaters and hats and scarves and like...sasquatch boots on YOUR birthday. Sniff. No, I'm not bitter.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Veg!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm getting a massage tonight fin honryour special day. I'm like, the best blog friend ever, right?
Dude, I'm sort of speechless at your selfless actions. It's heartwarming. I hope it's the best massage ever because I deserve it (for you). Thank you!
ReplyDeleteIf i told you that on my birthday we get to do bar-b-q's in the park and stay up 'til midnight drinking beer in the garden i would be a gloaty gloaterson and that would be wrong. But, hey, that's what we do. Not winter warmers needed! And, you know, just for the fun of it, we might take a midnight dip in the pool as well!
ReplyDeleteYou know what we winter birthday people like to do on our birthdays? We like to get all stabby with people like you. It's true! Test me. :)
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday! Dear god woman, put down the toilet brush and step away from those bottles of pine fresh scent. I know we have cross cultural differences but if cleaning of the loo is the traditional way to celebrate your birthday, you seriously need to move. Tis time to demand a slave boy to make and serve you recession margaritas whilst simultaneously feeding you cake off his well built abs. That's how we do it down under.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, i've always wanted a winter birthday where you can get all cosy in front of the fire and drink buckets of mulled wine. Don't fancy the yeti look though.
ReplyDeleteIn that case, I think I may move to Australia tomorrow. Thank you M.:)
ReplyDeleteMiss Tee: Yeah. That novelty wears off fast. Wanna swap?
ReplyDeleteIt's a tempting offer... but i think i'll stick to the sun, blue sky, warm breezes, cool water, sunshades, open top cars, beer gardens... need i go on?
ReplyDeleteI always think my bathroom should clean itself on my birthday. It never does though. Selfish bastard.
ReplyDeleteTee; I am disliking you very much currently.
ReplyDeleteLibby: Damn right. Mine neither. We need to rectify this for the good of womankind.
You clean your pants in the dishwasher too?
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday!
I would give you your choice of back rub, high five, or spank tunnel if it didn't sound creepy... Oh wait that was my 'outside' voice...
Yes Tex, I wash my pants in the dishwasher.
ReplyDeleteSpank tunnel you say? WTF is that? And do I want to know? :)
Happy Birthday! I so hope you make it to a liquor store and stop being so damn productive!
ReplyDeleteAs for who else has a birthday on today of all days? It's my Dad's today, so I'll be saying Happy Birthday to two people today!
Enjoy!
It's where fourty people line up and the birthday girl has to run through whilst well wishers smack her butt. Uh, with their hands. Or at least one hand, uh, that sounded even worse.
ReplyDeleteJules: Yay, your dad is ALSO awesome then. Less awesome than me, obviously but still pretty damn awesome. :) Thanks!
ReplyDeleteEric: Well that sounds pervy. Expect me around 7pm, okay? Okay.
LOL! Frozen asshole of winter. So true. Temperatures that clearly indicated that hell has indeed frozen over is prominent here and the blizzards are everywhere.
ReplyDeleteCongrats btw!! Hope you got your little warming somethin' somethin' for your birthday!
PS. And you and I know that people summer birthdays are assholes. Yeah I said it.
LOL. I'm so happy YOU said that, Wynnie me dear. Even though I snickered, loudly. And I do have plans this evening, yes. They involve all forms of goodness.
ReplyDeleteCheers Veg! I'll have a cold one in your honor... oh, wait... maybe wrong choice of words. Happy Day anyway love!
ReplyDeleteVery cunning winter joke there, man, but I'll pretend I didn't notice just for you. :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI have deduced how old you are, happy bday Veggie!
ReplyDeleteF*ck that snow!
*secretly jealous I don't live in Canada*
Well since I'm older than you by a few years I get to tell you what to do right, Mr. C.? That's how it works. I say, you do. Awesome! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Veg! And many, many more. And don't skimp on he cake and alcohol!
ReplyDeleteBoo for it being cold as sin - but yay for November birthdays! Happy birfday, Veg!
ReplyDeleteHarpy Barfday, Veggie girl!
ReplyDeleteIf you're older than dinosaurs, what does that make ME? OMG.
Well happy birthday little assassin! I got you beat by age and a birthday in February. Nothing good happens in February including Valentine's day when no one thinks you need anything special cause you are so low maintenance. I'm bitching again. Anyway, hope there was cake and booze.
ReplyDeleteHappy Happy Happy Birthday! I agree that having a winter b-day can be kind of sucky sometimes. You could always move and switch hemispheres so as to enjoy a hot, steamy summer birthday. That did the trick for me for several years. In the meantime, hope you made it to the liquor store and were able also able to enjoy some delicious birthday cake. Hugs!
ReplyDeletehttp://rantersbox.blogspot.com
Eva: Thank you ma'am! I actually opted for pie over cake (don't faint). It's caramel apple though so just as good. YUM!
ReplyDeleteInky: Thanks dude! November rocks. Seriously. Come on. Wait, did I miss your big day or am I mistaken?
Ms.Wendy: It makes you AWESOME. SO there. Thank you.
Judy: Well aren't you like a good wine that improves with age? I feel I'm more of a good bread - gets moldy and stinks. Thank you!
Empress: Celebrations are underway. I'm just back from part one and about to go out and enjoy part two. I am living, man. Living! Merci!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday you crazy bitch! Mine is on Wednesday so I totally understand about having a birthday in the frozen asshole of winter!
ReplyDeleteNothing wrong with taking a day to do shit around the house... and if it's your b-day and you're snowed in, then why the hell not.
Hopefully you get to par-tay over the weekend! If if makes you feel any better, we got over a foot of snow at my house from 2 am Sunday morning to 11 am this morning. Nice, huh?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! you sexy sex kitten. reoawrrrr!
ReplyDeleteHappy Bathday for yesterday.
ReplyDeleteBash that banjo baby!
Re, “if nothing else I have clean pants”: So you’re one up on me. Enjoy.
Take care. Snow fun living in a cold climate.
All the best from Big Warm Boonie who lives in a hot country…..
Ms. Salti: OH happy birthday for Wednesday, fine Sagittarian lady! Eat and drink too much and don't suffer the next day!
ReplyDeleteBecky: Thanks miss sexy beast!
Boonie: Ha! Thank you kindly Big Warm Boonie. What an excellent nickname.
Happy Bday what color do you want your cane to be?
ReplyDeleteYou know, Iz, I'm thinking a deep sky blue would be sort of "out there" but rad. I like blue. And it would match the deluxe walking frame I'm aiming for some day soon. :)
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Veg.
ReplyDeleteI got you this comment.
Treasure it, always.
Hope you had a happy birthday. You should migrate during the winter. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteHappy belated birthday, Veg love!!
ReplyDeleteWould you like me to pop out of a cake? I totally would. I think I've got a pair of booby tassles somewhere...
Moooooog: Dude, I will frame it and hang it on the wall, really! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteHunter: This thought has been thought before, oddly. By me! :) Thanks man!
Ms. OWO: Thank you misseh! And yes I sure would. And if I were to speculate on anyone having boobie tassles, it'd be you. For real. :)
Happy Birthday, Frozen Veg!
ReplyDeleteMuch love, me dear! xxx
LOL. I notice that too, I've been getting resentful of people with warm-weather birthdays. :) It feels good to get some chore-shit out of the way sometimes. The real birthday gift would be getting someone else to do all that for you. :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'd like to have a picnic on the beach on my birthday just once. :) Instead of wearing fifty layers and snow boots. One day huh!
ReplyDeleteHappy belated bornday Veg!!!!!!!!! Yayyyyyyy!!!! *honk honk honk!!!!* <----honking birthday honky thingymajigs.
ReplyDeleteIf I had ur email address I would have sent you an awesomely awesome someecard that would be poignant enough for such occasion and give you a little giggle ( or, worst case scenario, make u want to slash your wrists) Either way, hooray for having a birthday in the middle of winter's asshole!
Hey now, *I* was born in July and I'll have you know it's not all sunshine and daisies, 'kay? Sometimes there are bees. And sunburns. And fat guys in Speedos. Just FYI.
ReplyDelete