Well hi there! It's July 4th, it's hot as a pig in heat and naturally I'm a big, hot, sunburned mess.
I spent the day at the beach at one of the nearby lakes, with a cooler full of icy cold drinks, some slightly soggy food, and boasting a quite impressive hangover due to copious amounts of margaritas last night, while happily floating on my big blue and white inflatable chair, purchased from Satan (That's 'WalMart' to you) last summer for $20.
I spent hours just bobbing over waves on that thing, partaking in my favourite beach pastime - trying in vain to stop cold water splashing up my clunge. There's always a random icy wave that just takes you by surprise and infiltrates your fleshy fortress with its icy tentacles. And I think we can all agree, ladies - there is surely nothing worse than a cold *fanny.
Except perhaps finding your fanny under attack by that mutant that makes up the dude half of Speidi. That guy is the human equivalent of herpes, I swear.
*By "fanny" I mean it either in the British/Australian or North American way, up. To. You.
I thought I was such a wiseass too, by smugly slathering my pasty white flesh in factor 50 sunscreen regularly and remembering parts that normally I forget, like my feet, my knees and my nose, however I clearly wasn't smart enough to figure out that floating in the water with your feet dangling overboard meant there was a chance the sunscreen would wash right off and leave you stumbling around blindly two hours later, hair sticking out in every direction like a feral child, two giant, red, swollen hams attached to your ankles and a look of absolute torture plastered on your face, like someone who's just seen Hulk Hogan naked.
So yeah. For once I do not look like a crazed alcoholic with a bulbous red schnoz after a day in the Sun, but instead I walk like I pooped my pants. If you hear some echoey, loud, far-off voice yelling "Pigfucker!" drift by you on the breeze, in the next couple of days, that'll be me, trying to get my shoes on.
P.S. If you are the man from the beach today who was wearing the fetching shiny, red Speedo, please don't do that anymore. Speedos belong on only two groups of people - swarthy, oblivious Italian men and perverts.
Oh gawd.... you guys must laugh your asses off when Americans use the term fanny pack... It's Just too good, isn't it?
ReplyDeletePS- I ALWAYS forget to sunscreen the old feets and then find myself unable to wear any shoes whatsoever for at least a week. It's a pain like no other. Feel better.
It is THE WORST! I just hobbled to the laundry room like I was 80 years old. :) Even my soft-ass flip flops hurt. I even now see some burn on my arms and I sunscreened the hell out of those many times. Damn no name brands. And yes, fanny pack always gives me a giggle. Well anything to do with fannies really. It's so innocent over here. Over there, not so much.
ReplyDeleteOh man, I gotta catch up on my readin'!
ReplyDeleteAnd as for the speedo guy... I actually enjoy seeing these rare creatures stroll past the beach. They are awesomely entertaining. Almost as entertaining as the random older lady that decides to sport a thong bikini with the wrinkles and the cellulite n all.
Yes ma'am. I see your point, I do enjoy the entertainment value of the Speedo, so long as I'm not eating, and also the ladies in thongs. Now I freely believe NO LADY should wear a thong bikini in public, no matter how toned they are, they're just horrid, but especially not the 99% of ladies who are not a size zero or two. Hell mine has boy shorts. My bum cheeks stay away from the public eye. You all can thank me now.
ReplyDeleteNow that's some funny shit right there... I loved spedo dude... and.. the ex once burned his legs so bad that it actually burned that stuff that is around the bone.. I forget what it's called.. but it ain't good. he sat by the pool dangling his feet in the pool for hours..
ReplyDeletewe actually ended up in the hospital..and then.. he was on crutches for several weeks..
happy fourth..and I'm pretty happy after a fifth..
Great post. It'll be hard for me to cruise to Satan for that chair, but I have to admit, I'm kind of into it. And as for the man in that glorious red speedo - WOW. I don't get any action, so that was shocking and rather seductive. Don't judge me.
ReplyDeleteI am as white as a sheet, so I constantly burn in the summer. Even though I worked several outdoor jobs in my youth, I NEVER tanned - I would just burn each time and peel. Stupid Irishness...
ReplyDeleteYou drew that?! WOW! I can just about manage stick figures. Truly impressed!
ReplyDeleteOh and once upon a time, my friend and I decided to do some topless sunbathing. Did you know that sunburnt nipples are kinds sore? Well I do. Despite the SPF 50+ that I applied in neat little circles.
Never done THAT again...
Wow. My stomach hair looks SPECTACULAR.
ReplyDeleteMy eyes!!!! At least it wasn't a mankini, I suppose...
ReplyDeleteVery funny post....but good luck with those burnt tootsies :-)
We once saw a man on the beach in Mauritius (this was when we had 'real' holidays.) He was wearing a flesh coloured thong and he hadn't paid attention to his personal waxing programme.... urghhh. I've been in therapy since then (1994,) ... you've set me back years with the socks in the red pants photo!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I put SPF infinity on and still wind up getting burned. Me and the sun don't get along...
ReplyDeleteSunburn is awful! Which is why I stay out of the sun these days. Hope your feet recover faster than my eyes will from that photo! Love you beach chair! That's really an awesome one!
ReplyDeleteQueenie: There's nothing worse than sunburn where you can't let anything touch them for days, however a stiff frozen margarita in the evening helps take out the sting, so what could I do? It helped too. I am a genius. As are you.
ReplyDeleteVodka Beef: Well Satan is a difficult place to WANT to go to. I usually work myself up to it by promising myself a treat or reward after and an extra one if I don't kill anyone while I'm there. As for the red Speedo well, I have a feeling you've been in the Sun already, therefore, STEP AWAY FROM THE STORE, you clearly have sun stroke. :)
Steve: Me too. White as a pasty ghost. Thanks to my Scottishness. But I do tan eventually, if I'm willing to burn bright, siren red for a few weeks first. Which I'm not. Pah.
Cestla: Hmm my computer drawings are a touch on the rough side I thought, all shaky and crazy. But since that pretty much sums me up, I let it be. But thanks! As for topless sunbathing, I've never had the guts to do it but the mere IDEA of sunburn on one's lady buds, is NOT making me want to try it. OUCH:)
Mooooog: Yes, can I just say, I love that well placed seam on the front of your Speedo too. VERY attractive.
Nat: No man thongs (MONGS! HA!) on this blog. I say the Speedo is bad enough. And your Maritius man, well! There ought to be less laws about letting people smoke mary jane and more about not letting people wear swimwear that damages the eyes of other beach goers. Agreed?
Lord of Madness: Same here. I would need Factor 3,067 to allow me a burn free afternoon. And you know, water that doesn't actually wash it off...
Eva: It really is. It was the best investment I made last year. Thing is fabulous and even has convenient drink holders and lotion pockets (ha!).
I am supremely jealous of your floaty beach chair... not so much of the foot sunburn though. At least pretty much everyone knows what a bad sunburn feels like so we can all empathize!
ReplyDeleteIt IS a fab chair yes but the burn is nasty. You're right, you never forget that feeling of tight skin and stiffness and the sting. OUCH!
ReplyDeleteAll was well until the last photo. Ewww!
ReplyDeleteI know, it was totally unnecessary to traumatize people with that. But hey, it's what I do best! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't experience the same horror as Americans upon seeing a Speedo having grown up with my very-fit Dad wearing them to the beach ... and even though I am now cringing because I just referenced my Dad right before the next comment, I'm going to make it anyway. WHAT does that guy have stuffed in his speedo, a soft salami? OK, I've changed my mind about the horror of Speedos after all. I may never be able to view another family photo of a holiday in Cornwall.
ReplyDeleteThey just make me gape in wonder. They're astoundingly horrid garments to me. But then I think the same thing about thongs. Doesn't matter how fit a person is, I hate them on anyone. It's probably just taste but Speedos? ICK! I think that guy in the photo probably keeps his wallet in there. His "coin purse". Hahaha!
ReplyDeleteI really want your chair. And the man in speedos. They both seem to be artificially inflated. Are you acquiring loads more freckles too?
ReplyDeleteYes, the chair you must covet, the man, not so much. :) And I am indeed acquiring freckles the second I hit sunlight. Only on my arms though. I don't have any on my face or legs. Weird huh? My arms however are freckle city. Little tiny ones, not big ones.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with you on the Spandex. And on WalMart. But I may need to go buy that gorgeous bobbing chair. Even if you turned into freckle city with a sunburn.
ReplyDeleteOf course you do. Plus you can use it in the garden on firm ground and it's a great lounger.:) What's not to like Julesy? What's not to like?
ReplyDeleteHilarious! After years of trying to get that sexy bronze look and ending up with nothing but painful regret, I have come to grips with the fact that my skin only knows two colors: pasty white and lobster red. About the only way I can conceive of getting color nowadays is if I end up with a melanoma. Great post!
ReplyDeleteI colour eventually, a sort of light golden with a splash of pink undertones. Not what you'd really call a "tan". But hey, pale is interesting right? :)
ReplyDeleteBurned feet are terrible! They hurt like the dickens (where did that expression come from)?
ReplyDeleteAfter consuming way too much booze on a raft trip in my youth, we all decided to go clothing optional. I burned the boys, and still feel it to this day.
You'd be shocked and surprised by the first picture to pop up when you google image search 'clunge.' Seriously.
ReplyDeleteHope your feet recover quickly.
That chair is amazical. I clearly must get one. Even if I just sit infront of my TV and watch Bravo on it.
ReplyDeleteBurnt feet are the worst! And when the start peeling? Awful! More margaritas to numb the pain!
Skypop: You know, I don't have "boys" but I still cringed at the mere thought of that scenario. OUCH! As it is I can't move my toes as that end of my foot's big and red and swollen. LOVELY.
ReplyDeleteHunter: Hahahahahaha! You know I did it. And I laughed hard. I couldn't think of a more appropriate lady to illustrate the word.
Buffstah: You know, there's very little downside to anything once margaritas are introduced to the equation. Huge, fat, swollen, burned feet? Pah. A margarita will sort those out. Or at least make me care less. :)
Mine eyes! Mine eyes! *stumbles around blindly clutching at eyes* you've scared me for life!
ReplyDeleteVeg, Veg, Veg....Going to a public beach with an inflatable chair and food...guaranteed disaster. Food poisoning, sun burn, people...guess you are braver than me. Going out on the holidays is something I avoid. We did go to the pre 4th party where people were shooting machine guns (legal?) and I wanted to grab the car keys and run. We didn't get arrested and I only got a few bu g bites, so guess it was a good day. Stay inside for a few days and heal. I'm working on setting up a new blog, but the heat is slowing my old brain. Just want to sleep and complain.
ReplyDeleteHeather: On come on. You printed it out and framed it, just admit it. Your wallpaper is now a stuffed red Speedo. You can tell us, we won't judge.
ReplyDeleteJudy: Well to be honest this beach is pretty much a secret and there is never many people around which I like. And it's nice and there's plenty shady spots when you get too hot. And oddly enough, few bugs were annoying me this time either. Of course I got a few bites but for me, pretty good! Now stop complaining and get blogging.
I have had some funky ones too! I can't remember them now, but I thought about it at the time.
ReplyDeleteWord ver sucks all the way around!
Especially the ones that come up after you press the button so you have to press TWO buttons. Pah. Who has the time? :)
ReplyDeleteClunge! I hope you told MLS that it's finally catching on.
ReplyDeleteYou poor thing. I feel your pain. My shoulders and arms were blistered raw from this past weekend. I'm starting to peel today. Ew.
As I scrolled down that picture of the guy in the red speedo made me jump back from the screen. Thanks buddy.
Cate: Maybe there's poetic beauty in those captchas? Or....maybe not. :)
ReplyDeleteMs. OWO: We used to use clunge a lot in Scotland. I actually forgot about it until about five or six years ago when Maggie (the Scottish chick) on "Extras" used it in the show. It's such a great word.
I hate having to enter the damn things, but every so often, a great one comes up. these are funny, you made them hilarious!
ReplyDeletegreat post...
Thank you, Mr. Tillet. I have a secret. I just make them a) dirty, b) nonsensical, or c) my own rules. :) I don't DO rules.
ReplyDeleteI am joining your 'ban speedos' brigade - just let me know where to sign up
ReplyDeleteHoly shit. Is there a commenting prize? Do I owe you something? Or did you start on those white trash margs already? :)
ReplyDelete