I also read about Michael Jackson’s autopsy results. They were way less interested in his cause of death (insomnia medication overdose) than they were in the fact he had a tattoo to cover his receding hairline, his nose tip was held on with a band-aid and he was gaunt and pale. Which...I mean, I don't know about you, but I was floored. Michael Jackson did weird shit? Really? And a dead dude's gaunt and pale? Since when?
And allegedly Billie Jean was not his lover.
Then I read this thing about that slimy assloaf, John Mayer, who I think looks like a cross between the ice truck killer from “Dexter” and old Skeletor, Marc Anthony. He was spouting off through his twisted little racoon face about how amazing Jessica Simpson was in bed. Which surprised me because previously, I’d always envisioned sex with Jessica Simpson to be like lying on top of a cold, scaly, dead fish while she farts, stares at the ceiling and asks questions like, “Is Germany like…really full of germs?”
Honestly, I’m joking. I’ve really never, ever thought about sex with Jessica Simpson till right now. And if it helps, yes, I feel violated.
So that’s how I procrastinated today away. Reading titillating details about celebrities and feeling superior while trying to figure out how I could get a whole Creme Egg in my mouth at once.
You’re welcome.
Totally ended my workday on a good note, thanks :)
ReplyDeleteWell that's good to know. Safe trip home!
ReplyDeleteoh, i can fit a whole cream egg in my mouth. it's the chewing and consuming part that's the issue...
ReplyDeleteHey missy, don't you talk about my skeletor (marc anthony) that way!
ReplyDeleteAnywho, I too am sucked in by these mini celebrity Buzz /gossip thingies that I'm bombarded with on my way to checking my mail! And I too hate John Mayer and the abominations that exit his creepy little mouth.
And thank you for the word assloaf. I will be using this in the near future, fyi.
Dude, I'm slightly afraid of this crazy Buzz business. I'm all tip-toey in my inbox now, afraid of just what this Buzz creature can do.
ReplyDelete... I should probably go and read what it's actually all about, huh?
And I'm glad I'm not the only one who is not absolutely in love with John Mayer's face, because I was beginning to question my judgment while listening to everyone else squee about his hotness. But if the Veg says slimy assloaf AND twisted raccoon face, I think I'm safe.
Aladdin: Haha, now you mention it, I seem to have no problem either with the fitting. But yes, the actually chomping on it part is harder. God those things are just heavenly. Why they're not around all year is beyond me.
ReplyDeleteJ: HAHAHA! You know what J? You can HAVE your Skeletor. :) But you redeem yourself with your Mayer hate regardless. And you're welcome.
Inky: I know. This morning I was all, "OH NO. Will it EAT me?" Turns out no, it won't. But I don't really see the point in it either when people already can tweet and facebook and chat. Still. It's there.
And I not only SAY those things about John Mayer, I DECLARE them loudly.
Your Jessica Simpson sexual ideas are beyond hilarious! I never thought about it until now but you are so right!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe most productive I have been all day is to make up way to many puns about snow. It' snow stupid really.
Yay for snow days. The city plowed the back alley by my apartment yesterday and all the snow they plowed was a big mountain that blocked the entrance to our parking lot so no one could get out to go to work in the morning. Snow is an asshole.
ReplyDelete"Billie Jean was not his lover" now that is the highlight of my day. You gotta love an MJ joke to start the day.
ReplyDeleteI just wish someone would give John Mayer a large reality enema. Though I fear that even with a fire hose sized enema you still couldn't suck all the crap out of him.
so my main squeeze always tells this story about mayer.
ReplyDeletesaid assloaf grew up a town over from my mang (in CT) and he once went into a bar and said aloud, "hey, I'm john mayer, who wants to suck my c**k!?!"
so, yeah. put that in your pocket! aaand now, you hate him even more. ;)
Baha, that made me laugh. Never has the phrase "full of shit" been so accurate. :)
ReplyDeleteOh! Oh! VC! That is just CLASS. My head is about to explode with the gravity of that visual. I'd suck his cock. RIGHT OFF WITH A HIGH PRESSURE VACUUM CLEANER.
ReplyDeletehahahahaa
ReplyDeleteI know right? Like he HAS a cock.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the John Mayer observation. I've never found him attractive, but I like his music. I just never want to see him perform any of it.
ReplyDeleteAbout Michael Jackson - that's just weird shit.
You know, you just put John Mayer firmly in the "only if he puts a bag over his head" camp. :)
ReplyDeleteOK - I don't know who this Simpson girl or the Mayer guy are but I feel soiled that you thought about her having sex - even though I laughed.
ReplyDeleteFunny doesn't cancel out dirty young lady - now go and wash your brains.
Yes ma'am. I consider myself chastised. You raunchy lady.
ReplyDeleteNot just a bag, but a double bagger and I'm okay with that.
ReplyDeleteWorking with Beaker so long has melted your scruples...
ReplyDeleteDid you see the part where he says he has his "hood card"? Um, yeah, dude, I live in the hood now and yesterday they told me that they don't want you. Sorry. Not.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahahahahaha!!!
ReplyDeleteNo, what I think he meant is, ladies making the beast with two backs with him, require him to WEAR a hood so they can concentrate. Mainly on pretending he's someone less hideous. :)
If there's something dirty about your panties, wash the dsng things!
ReplyDeleteoh no. I'm thinking about Jessica Simpson in THAT way. ew ew ew.
ReplyDeleteshe does have nice bewbs though.
I have often thought about sex with Jessica Simpson.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I'm thinking about it right now.
As a side note, I can totally type comments with one hand.
I'm totally stealing that 'Germany/Germs' thing.
ReplyDeleteSo my brother has this new game where he tries to fit two raw eggs in his mouth simultaneously. Ever see a drunk guy with a mouthful of raw egg slime that didn't get nauseous? Yeah, me either.
ReplyDeletewhat is with that google buzz thing? i don't get it and don't think i want to.
ReplyDeleteThat whole Billie Jean thing was trumped up b.s. to sell records. She never claimed that he was the one!
ReplyDeleteHey, I say panties all the time. But only when I talk about the husband's underwear. Totally creeps him out.
ReplyDeleteEva: My panties are pure as the driven snow. :)
ReplyDeleteMrs. E: Don't do it. Don't go there. You'll never find the way back to sanity.
Ed: This is not at ALL surprising to me. Either of those things in fact.
Miss C: Haha, feel free.
Elly: I'm nauseated just imagining it. So thanks!
P: None of us have figured it out yet. It's a bit of everything, that's the best we can do.
Dog: It was the media again. Billie Jean was totally just some girl he brushed elbows with in the library or something. :) The kid is not his son.
Miss Y: It's acceptable for the men garments because it's funny and seedy. Therefore, I approve.
I've never used the word "panties" and the very first thing that I learnt when I came to live in the UK was to avoid the word "pants" when refering to your trousers, as this can lead to embarrassing situations. For example, on a windy day, saying "I'm glad I wore pants!" (as opposed to a skirt) implies that you would typically 'Go Commando'....
ReplyDeleteso did you get a whole creme egg in your mouth? smiles.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we need that kind of stuff to get through the day. Thank you, Mirror.co.uk.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the creme egg goes, sadly, I can fit one in my mouth whole. But they also have those handy dandy mini Cadbury eggs, and you can get three or four in there at one time. (TWSS)
Note to self: Use the word 'panties' more in daily conversation. (ex. 'My, it doesn't seem like you are wearing panties today.')
ReplyDeleteThe Billy Jean thing made me giggle. I've never been able to take that song seriously.
ReplyDeleteJohn Mayer is a wiener: http://terriblyexciting.blogspot.com/2010/02/wieners-of-week.html
Ally does a weiner post once a week and JM is always featured at the end, King of the Weiners. Evidently talking about sex with JS isn't his only open mouth insert foot moment.
I've always said "panties", but recently someone informed me that it's stupid and I should stop. I'm trying to come up with a better word for them. Underwear sounds so formal and drawers (pronouced "draws" in these parts) makes people think I'm talking about furniture.
Strangely, that's exactly how I, too, think of sex with Jessica Simpson and it's AWESOME.
ReplyDeleteIt's even now better that I've been able to add the whole 'creme egg' visual.
So, you know. Thanks for that.
John Mayer can really play the guitar. He just needs to keep his stupid mouth shut.
ReplyDeleteI got Thriller on vinyl as a kindergarten graduation present and it was totally awesome. It creeps me out to think that his nose was held on my tape.
I know that the Billie Jean/Billie Jean King joke is old, but it is STILL HILARIOUS (and I LOVE Billie Jean King). As for John Mayer, I will never understand the appeal, either the music or the the attraction for women.
ReplyDeleteNat: Yes, that's always fun! When I first moved to the U.S., it always made me giggle to see racks in stores with a big sign over them that said "PANTS". Pants to me were undergarments, therefore, hee. FANNY is another good one. A fanny in the US is NOT what a fanny is in the UK.
ReplyDeleteBrian: Well getting it IN is no problem (that's what SHE said!) it's the chewing it afterwards. :)
Joshua: Those little tiny creme eggs are fantastic. Like you can scoop them up at my supermarket like you do loose candy. My fantasy is to get stranded in a big giant vat of them, like those ball rooms they have at Ikea only filled with little creme eggs.
Eric: Yes. If you want to declare "PERVERT IN THE ROOM!" you go right ahead, Tex. Jeez.
Ms. OWO: Plus come on, her initials are BJ! HEE! I'm happy if JM is king of the wieners because really, who else would be? He has wiener practically tattooed on his forehead. :) As for the "panties" thing, you could take a British approach and call them KNICKERS. It's sort of cheeky and inoffensive. "Oh my gawd, I seem to have wet my knickers!"
Moooooog: It surprises me not even a touch that you'd a) think of sex with JS and b) it would be nasty and yet you'd still appreciate it. You scary, freaky man. :)
Jenna: And wear that bag over his head? Or just duct tape his face?
CDP: Poor Billie Jean King. :) She wouldn't at all be interested in MJ. He had no vagina. Or did he? Frankly right now, nothing would surprise me about that guy. Of course, there's Billie Jean's theoretical penis so hey. Now I'm just confused.
I was pretty much laughing all the way through this post. The sarcastic gene has not been lost on you my friend! Seriously, I keep thinking of the description of the assloaf that you so lovingly provided. "old Skeletor, Marc Anthony"- This shall be with me for the rest of the day.
ReplyDeleteOh and I thought about you as I wrote my latest post. I have a sneaking suspicion that you will be able to relate.
Oh, young lady, thou doth intrige(th) me. :) I'm just finding time now to start with the blog checking. So I will check you out. Oh yes. Wear your best PANTIES,
ReplyDeleteYou are so freaking hilarious!!! I feel the same way about John Mayer. BLEHK!!! He grosses me out with his your body is a wonderland shit. GIVE IT UP.
ReplyDeleteHearts and margies to you. :)
I think he must emit some lethal drug from his system to anyone in the vicinity. I can't think of another reason he bags so many women. I mean, maybe he's practiced in hypnotism or something? :)
ReplyDelete"before she bought the farm. And all the drugs on it."
ReplyDeleteBAHAHAH!!! i found myself laughing, then going "aww thats sad."
am i going to hell for thinking that was hilar?
Not at all. I mean I said it. And I laughed. Because it's not at all obnoxious laughing at your own jokes. :)
ReplyDeleteHA! So, I've seen you commenting around and had to come see what was up. Love your blog and am a new follower!
ReplyDeleteHi Lee! Yes I am everywhere. A bit like Paris Hilton's vagina.
ReplyDeleteI just compared myself to Paris Hilton's vagina, kill me.
Welcome!
Fitting a whole one in your mouth isn't the problem. That's easy.
ReplyDeleteIt's rather that they have a tendency to pop out as soon as you try to chew them. :)
i think i laughed like infinity times at this post. chuck even paused his video game (i know!) to ask me what was so funny. the end.
ReplyDeleteRich: Oh yes. That and the fact it sometimes gets wedged there and then you drool all over it trying to extract it and....ok I'll leave it there as people might be eating.
ReplyDeleteBeck-star: Oh sweetie. You're back on those wacky painkillers? Why didn't you say so? :)
Well, this is where we differ. I think about sex with Jessica Simpson constantly.
ReplyDeletePerhaps I've said too much.
P.S. I bet Michael Jackson wore panties. (Good luck keeping that cream egg down.)
Hahaha! Yes. Thank you. Like the images in my head aren't frightening enough.
ReplyDeleteI had something to say but then Creme ... Egg ... Mouth .....
ReplyDeleteNow I'm lost.
Aw man...I sympathize. I know how it is. Those little creme egg bitches will do that to you. They'll make you drool and pine and long for them. It's so unfair.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHA!!!!!! I love to say panties. I say it for everyone. I will even say to my hubby, "babe, are you wearing your panties to bed?" when I am talking about his boxer shorts. It really bugged him the first few years that I did it but now he just ignores me. And its good cause I don't plan on stopping. He does request that I don't do it to our 2 year old son though. Boys are no fun. :(
ReplyDeletePS... I personally thought Jessica Simpson looked like she would be a rock star in bed. :)
I've been ignoring that Buzz thing. Does that mean it's ignoring back like I want it to? Or is it doing something bad?
ReplyDeleteBWA-HAHAHA! I was actually eating a cream egg when I read that.
ReplyDeleteBTW: Pointy end first, the rest will follow.
RE: John M. ICK. And I'm totally seeing the Ice Truck guy. (Addicted to the show)
I'll never be able to see him otherwise now.
What an ass he is.
Geez, VAx, I've missed being here. Thanks for summing up the ratface Mayer boy so eloquently. You did a pretty good job with Jessica Simpleton, too.
ReplyDeleteCass: Baha, well it's ok for men. I mean it's FUNNY for men. For ladies? Not funny. Just sort of...I don't know. Like a fancy word an old dude would use to spy on young girls in underwear.
ReplyDeleteLooks like you're right about Jessica though.
Wendy: No, I think ignoring it is the way to go. I have ignored it all weekend and plan to go on ignoring it.
Jessica: Oh man, pointy end first is the rule. If you eat that stuff round end first you're some sort of delinquent. I mean even if you take a big bite off it, it has to be from the pointy end first. It's just a life rule. Like pulling down your pants BEFORE you pee.
Py: You must really miss hearing nonsense huh? Well no fear. Nonsense I have! :)
I rely on you for my window to a world of wonder. Who is John Mayer? Is he one of the Metro Goldwyn Mayers? And surely no-one could look as bad as Marc Anthony.
ReplyDeleteUgh. John Mayer is SUCH a star fucker.
ReplyDeleteMadame: Haha, yes. I have that window. And John Mayer is just...I don't know who he is outside being a singer who seems to love himself a whole lot. And he's odd looking.
ReplyDeleteLiving Shallow: YES HE IS. I don't now how those famous ladies fall for him, honestly. Does he have magic spells? It might be the only answer.
Yeah, I've pretty much had it with John Mayer, too! He IS odd looking, isn't he? We're all SO much better! Glad that's settled!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the fun post!
Have a great week!
there must be something amiss in the universe because i don't use the word panties either. it hurts me. but i used it in my last tmit post.
ReplyDeleteTell us more about this Creme Egg.
ReplyDeleteJessica Simpson is awesome, she's like one of the most intelligent people in America, surely.
ReplyDeleteFitting a creme egg in your mouth is easy. Trying to not dribble while enjoying it is hard.
Anything: You are so cute. So polite. Odd looking indeed. He looks like a giant HORSE'S ASS! :)
ReplyDeleteClaire: Well it sort of fits into creepy TMIT territory, dude.
Sid: Don't you dare get me started. I already drooled on my shirt once today.
Dreich: She's a MENSA head, for sure. And I bet she could fit multiple creme eggs in that giant gob.
Dude, he wasn't using "insomnia medication". He was using fucking anestesia. Medical anestesia. The shit that they knock you out with when you go in for surgery. It's like shoving a high velocity fire hose up your ass as an enema to help you take a shit. Complete lunacy.
ReplyDelete