Grab Bag

Monday, July 25th, 2011 - itchy face, in need of caffeine supplementation

Know what's a great way to spend a Sunday night? I'll give you a clue: Imax theatre, 3D glasses, big bag of Starburst, Harry Potter. No? You know I'm right. The movie's dark alright, but the scariest thing about it wasn't Voldemort's increased strength and evil or the death defying 3D visuals or even Neville Longbottom's sweater. No, it was the tiny segment in Snape's past where they made up Alan Rickman to look 15 years younger but winded up with him looking like that Jocelyn Wilderbeast (!) lady who's grown way too fond of the plastic surgery. Creepy.

Anyway, I no longer have to avoid anything relating to this movie or the book because I didn't know how it ended, so yay! I can go back to being nerdy in other ways.

Gosh, how exciting Veg!

On a totally different note, here's something interesting for "LOST" fans who always wanted to know what the Man in Black's actual name was and who enjoy things parodying themselves. 

Come on. "Barry" isn't the name of a fearsome, eternal demon-man who can transform himself into a smoke monster! "Barry" is the name of the dude who comes to fix your roof when you have a leak. Which, I'm thinking, is probably their point.

God, I miss "Lost".

Talking Smack About TV. Or Is It Meth?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 – brain fog
I haven’t forgotten about Ohio, ok, I haven’t. Don’t you say I have.

Who's as excited as me that “Breaking Bad” is back? Huh? There’s nothing I enjoy more than a stress induced panic attack before bed. Watching the season premiere the other night, in particular that one long, quiet, brutal scene that not only sneaked past the TV censors, but bludgeoned them on its way past the door en route to my nightmares, made me so tense I think I pulled something in my bum from all that anxiety clenching. For real people, my bum’s been achey ever since. It’s Walt’s fault entirely. Actually it’s that goddamn chicken man’s fault. If that guy didn’t creep me out before with his underlying dangerous, deceptively docile, expressionless nature, he sure as fuckety does now. Never cross the chicken man, ladies and genitals. If you saw Sunday’s episode you now know why. That dude is BAD. ASS. A whole horrifying five minute scene and he didn’t say ONE WORD till the end. Fuck. Me.

“Breaking Bad” still has a ways to go to induce the same level of terrifying night terrors and heart palpitations it handed me during seasons 1 and 2 (remember that insane Tuco dude and the old codger with the bell?) but still. Well played AMC for keeping the tension tight as an unmarried Mormon’s vagina. P.S. If you don’t watch “Breaking Bad”, why the fuck not…are you retarded? Rent it immediately. Take a Xanax first though, okay?

P.S. Sorry Mormon ladies. It was a compliment, really!

Also back recently – “True Blood”. Now let’s get this straight right now. “True Blood” is preposterous. It was always preposterous but at least it used to be GOOD preposterous. Juicy. Delicious. Naughty. Fun. The first season of “True Blood” was among the best TV out there. Anyone else think that it’s now a giant parody of itself? I mean I’m not complaining, some men should just BE naked all the time, it’s as simple as that. A law should absolutely exist for that. It’d be a crime to cover some of that up (I’m looking at you Alcide-wolf-man, with your big abdominal muscles jutting out like a xylophone). Incidentally, what was with the gratuitous pube shot the other night? Dude was about half a centimetre away from all hell breaking loose in the pantaloon region. I mean no one wants to see that. Right? No one. I only rewound it to make sure I’d seen it right. That’s my only reason. Yup. On the thirty third rewind I realized, yes, I’d seen it right. AND IT WAS DISGUSTING.

Cough…

And is it just me or has Bill’s accent gotten EVEN FUNNIER? I think so. And Sookie more slapworthy?

And what is the point of Tara, can someone please explain that to me? You can’t. Because there isn’t one.
Yes, I did just write an entry about TV shows. The world is ending.

Throw a Veggie Burger on the Barbie, Veg is Coming To Town!

Thursday, July 14, 2011 – pointless

Oh my God, you guys, I still haven’t won the lottery and moved to some tropical island.  I know this comes as a great shock to no one but myself, but really, I know it’s going to happen.  Of course, it might happen sooner if I bought an actual ticket now and then but I tend to go, “Meh, only losers play the lottery!” instead of, “Only losers go on about what they’ll do when they win the lottery then don’t bother buying a ticket” and then I feel, justifiably, like a bit of an asshole.  

And rather than a tropical island I might just hitch up my (as yet non existent) excellently renovated vintage Airstream and just drive around visiting all of you instead!  Wouldn’t that be nice?  Me showing up on your doorstep, grinning like a retarded Cheshire Cat, calling you “dude” and informing you I’m camping out in your yard in a giant aluminum box for a few days, “HI!”  Think of the fun we’d have as you cook me delicious meals and mix me cocktails and bake me cakes while I regale you with tales of hilarity that I  just made up for attention, then running away in the middle of the night after I throw up on your patio.

Tomorrow’s Friday, I have a hard day ahead at work and a night following it drinking copious amounts of red wine, gin and tonic and talking nonsense like my life depended on it.  A bit like this short but stupid entry. 

Not a lot.  But a bit…

Every Morning I Just Hit The Ground Yawning

Monday, July 11th, 2011 – ouch, blood, bruises, coffee, poaching BNL lyrics, unattractive sweat pants, why oh why?

In a vain attempt to start doing something semi healthy again, exercise wise, I walked home from work this afternoon, full of good intentions and smug cheerfulness. Walking in light summer rain, making my hair frizz out in a MEGA attractive manner, reminiscent of a 1980s’ home perm gone wrong. All pretty undignified, when you get right down to it and I half expected passing cars to toot uproariously as they passed, perhaps yelling some utterly hilarious jibe such as, “Your head looks like pubes!” Maybe they did, I don’t know? However, I was blasting music at the time and preferred to think passing motorists were thinking, “Wow, that chick sure is HEALTHY, walking all this way instead of driving or planting her fat derriere on a bus seat!”

In case you thought me huffing through the streets, hair-a-frizz, cheeks red and puffy and sweat trickling down my back wasn’t undignified enough for a summer afternoon, you’ll enjoy the part where I managed to take a misstep crossing the road in front of a busy store no less, causing my ankle to turn the wrong way under me, making me look like I was attempting to lead a flash mob by publicly executing some exuberant Riverdance, but failing miserably and sending me flying head first onto the road, my fall stopped only by my knee cap meeting concrete with the force of a hundred elephants stampeding through a paddock. Road 1, knee 0.

That poor knee, man. It’s had the worst year in the history of bad knee years.

Talking of stupid looking things (Riverdance, try to keep up), there’s nothing more delicate and dignified than being on all fours in the middle of a road, while a line of cars backs up behind you, your ass swaying in the air pertly, like an inquisitive meerkat, while your knee bleeds merrily through your jeans and you have a confused expression painted on your face that screams, “I have no idea what is happening right now but I am willing it to stop…”.

So I decided to come home, eat some cheese and for christ’s sake, forget today happened and start over tomorrow.

Now you can all tell me something funny and cheer me up, goddamn it.
Oh! Guess what’s coming soon? For real? Mothereffing OHIO, Hookers!

I am the Ultimate Authority on Everything

Thursday, July 7th, 2011 – Can your eyeballs sweat?

Hey, did you know William and Kate are in Canada? Really! You’d never know because the media haven’t mentioned it ONE TIME, they’ve been so under the radar and stealth. OR NOT. Holy shit, I hope they have a nice time and all but honestly, I’m sick to death of hearing about what Kate’s wearing today and how it affects global warming or the price of tomatoes or whatever. Kate’s wearing “slacks” (she’s 75 and into polyester, clearly) therefore, guess what we’ll be seeing in high streets next season? Hopefully they come with cyanide capsules for that critical moment the buyer realizes they’ve been duped by some royal advertising and the shame takes over.

There. Got that off my chest. My cleavage is now unhindered by royal restraints. (what?)

Anyway, it must kind of suck to have the media watching every move you make and not giving a shit about what you’re up to, just what you’re wearing today. Does she ever just want to throw on some old jeans with holes in the knees, yank her greasy hair into a pony tail and wear a t-shirt with a coffee stain on the front? I’d be the worst royal ever. I’d be all, “Get that fucking camera out of my face, unless you want it rammed up your ass. And pass me a Pabst Blue Ribbon, reporter scum!” right before wiping my nose on my sleeve.

Heh. Maybe. Like I’d ever drink that Pabst shit.

I finally got around to some things I’d been meaning to for ages:

1) I saw “Bridesmaids” at last, albeit hesitantly, because, in my opinion, when a comedy gets a lot of hype and praise, it rarely lives up to these dizzying heights when I see it, leaving me confused. But I laughed my ass off because it was indeed that rare commodity in film – a romcom that doesn’t suck and actually has some “com” along with the “rom”. If I were Jennifer Aniston or Kate Hudson right now, I’d be ashamed of myself and my stupid movies because those people have given romcoms and chick flicks the terrible reputation they have now for being the stale, unfunny, unrealistic, fluff that they are. People keep saying “Bridesmaids” is the female “The Hangover” but they’re wrong. “Bridesmaids” is better. Plus it also proved something I’ve been saying since “The IT Crowd” – Chris O’Dowd might be an odd-looking, awkward Irishman but he is a SEXY, odd-looking, awkward Irishman. Oh yes, people laughed at me THEN..
.
2) I finally got me a Wacom drawing tablet so I can now do my fantastically sophisticated illustrations without looking like they were drawn by someone with stage 3 Parkinson’s. No more mouse drawing for me, no Sir. New gadgets kick ass. Plus now, if I’m so inclined, I can scribble really unfunny slogans in my own handwriting, all over celebrity photos, gatecrash a few parties, have hissyfits and call myself Perez Hilton!

Alright, I’m off to get some coffee to wake the hell up and then I’m going to get busy. Note: I typed “busty” at first there, but decided getting busty wasn’t the best use of my time today, sorry. I need to be able to see my feet!

Apologies for the lameocity (I made that up, it’s good no?) of this entry, but there’s a reason for it. I suck.

They Can Take Our Land, But They’ll Never Get it Through Customs

Tuesday, June 28th, 2011 – this just in: coffee puts a road through you

Ah don’t you love summer? By that rhetorical minefield of a question what I really mean is, I love summer and as you know by now, it’s pretty much all about me.

Now that my elephant trumpeting allergies are under control, thanks to finally acquiring a neat supply of my old snorty-inhaler BFF, ‘Flonase’, I am altogether a happier, more well-adjusted and harmonious being, to an almost hippy-like degree. Got trees? I will hug them. Lentils? I will soak and eat them. Happy little children? Well, let’s not get carried away, here. I feel better, hell hasn’t frozen over or anything, you can keep the loud little mini-humans. However, it’s interesting to note that not once this week so far have I thought homicidal thoughts towards my fellow man or strained my middle digit by strenuous thrusting it at objects of derision accompanied by a hearty and fruity expletive. There might be hope for me yet.

At least until it rains again. Then all bets are off. Null and void, people. Don’t even try to cash those suckers.
So how have you all been? I feel I need to sit you down and have a nice conversation over a fragrant cup of coffee, to catch up as I feel I’ve been away forever. Like serving a jail term or something. Not that I’ve been in jail or anything. Heavens no. Ha ha ha ha. What gave you that idea?

Um…what’s that over there?

Anyway, I’m attempting to return to a state of normalcy here now regarding posting frequently about nothing of any importance and insulting people with gusto.

Photos you said? Don’t pretend you didn’t. Don’t say you want more of them then groan when you get it. That’s not how it works at all. As you may have deduced from the entry below, I was touring around the highlands, here in the country of my birth, bothering sheep and looking at mountains and castles and hearing bagpipes IN MY SLEEP. Photos?

The above is Eilean Donan Castle, on the Kyle of Lochalsh, near the Isle of Skye. Sadly the tide was out, but you can’t have everything. It’s still pretty.



This is on the west coast in the Ardnamurchan area, as were the photos in the last entry. It’s one of my favourite places anywhere, full of sea views, wild flowers, narrow roads, scenic villages and lack of people. Perfect.

This is the highland town of Ullapool, where you can catch a ferry to the Hebrides, and, as it happens, find really good Indian pakorah. Yes please!

This is Durness, on Scotland’s north west coast. All white sand and roaring ocean. Awesome!

I also visited Doune Castle, which is not only cool in its own right, but also SUPER COOL because it’s one of the locations used to film HBO’s fearsomely awesome “Game of Thrones”. I spent a pleasant afternoon stomping around the arched cellars swishing my cape like Sean Bean if Sean Bean was really flamboyant. And you know…a straight lady with delusions. Which, he isn’t.

 It was also the location where Monty Python and the Holy Grail was filmed. There. I gave you some actual info. Go me. * I don't have a cape...

That’s all I’m giving you for now. See, this way I won’t bore you too hard. Aren’t I considerate?

Later my lovelies.

The Gypsy Rover

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011 – I have a headache, everyone pet me

Try your utmost not to pass out cold and hit your head on a rock! It’s me. Yes really! I am here. Instead of playing hooky in a disused railway tunnel full of tequila, or something equally salubrious. I am returned from the wilds of the blogosphere to annoy you once more with my whining and procrastinating.

A few things: a) My highland vacation was AWESOME. Who wouldn’t want to spend time with people they like, eating picnics and drinking pear cider, here:

and here:

And looking at scenery like this:

A royal ASSHOLE, that’s who. And for anyone who thinks this entry is just an excuse to show you my boring snaps of my homeland, well screw YOU, hippy! No, I’m kidding. Those were just a quick few to give you the idea of the level of tranquility we’re talking here, regarding my blissful vacation. And one needs a level of tranquility after dealing with rain and knee pain and…I don’t know…QUICKSAND (maybe) and deranged minds (mine) and driving really fast on winding roads the width of a FLEA’S ASS and motion sickness and really annoying hair.

Especially the hair, man. Good God.

So I will be back very shortly. This isn’t it. This is just an announcement to make me feel important. I will be back properly later. This week. Ish. Okay?

Okay then.

P.S. There is no "b)”