Monday, July 11th, 2011 – ouch, blood, bruises, coffee, poaching BNL lyrics, unattractive sweat pants, why oh why?
In a vain attempt to start doing something semi healthy again, exercise wise, I walked home from work this afternoon, full of good intentions and smug cheerfulness. Walking in light summer rain, making my hair frizz out in a MEGA attractive manner, reminiscent of a 1980s’ home perm gone wrong. All pretty undignified, when you get right down to it and I half expected passing cars to toot uproariously as they passed, perhaps yelling some utterly hilarious jibe such as, “Your head looks like pubes!” Maybe they did, I don’t know? However, I was blasting music at the time and preferred to think passing motorists were thinking, “Wow, that chick sure is HEALTHY, walking all this way instead of driving or planting her fat derriere on a bus seat!”
In case you thought me huffing through the streets, hair-a-frizz, cheeks red and puffy and sweat trickling down my back wasn’t undignified enough for a summer afternoon, you’ll enjoy the part where I managed to take a misstep crossing the road in front of a busy store no less, causing my ankle to turn the wrong way under me, making me look like I was attempting to lead a flash mob by publicly executing some exuberant Riverdance, but failing miserably and sending me flying head first onto the road, my fall stopped only by my knee cap meeting concrete with the force of a hundred elephants stampeding through a paddock. Road 1, knee 0.
That poor knee, man. It’s had the worst year in the history of bad knee years.
Talking of stupid looking things (Riverdance, try to keep up), there’s nothing more delicate and dignified than being on all fours in the middle of a road, while a line of cars backs up behind you, your ass swaying in the air pertly, like an inquisitive meerkat, while your knee bleeds merrily through your jeans and you have a confused expression painted on your face that screams, “I have no idea what is happening right now but I am willing it to stop…”.
So I decided to come home, eat some cheese and for christ’s sake, forget today happened and start over tomorrow.
Now you can all tell me something funny and cheer me up, goddamn it.
Oh! Guess what’s coming soon? For real? Mothereffing OHIO, Hookers!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Here's the What What
So. People have nudged me about my total ineptness at updating this thing and they are correct. It's just, I don't have a life reall...
Come look at my blog for today and I know you will laugh!
ReplyDeleteI did! As you knew I would. And so will everyone else now, yay! Lucky Mr. July. :) Shrewd advertising ladyfriend, high five!
ReplyDeleteOr you can visit mine and see what the truly nutty people attempt to do to keep fit.
ReplyDeleteFirst, they lose their marbles.
Then they don silly swim caps.
Then they pull on Jim.
As in Jim the wetsuit, keep up now.
LCM x
Something funny? Hmmm....Nope. Cheer you up? I doubt you'd ever look bad with ANY type of hair. In fact I'd probably go as far to say that whatever the weather you're the best looking assassin I know.
ReplyDeleteNow go eat some cake, watch TV and see some REALLY stupid people.
LCM: I'm almost afraid, but I will peek with trepidation in case something horrible and fleshy hits me in the face...
ReplyDeleteMartin: I think I would like to keep you in my pocket as a little personal ego booster, would that be okay? Like those MR. T. key chain things where you press a button and he goes "PITY THE FOOL!!!" you could have a button that goes "Veg, you are stunning today! No really, you're hair does not look at all like pubes and you're not really ginger, you're STRAWBERRY BLONDE!" :)
Here's a funny clip of Ellen D talking about tripping which you are apparently very familiar with.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUvMpfAEvnc
Enjoy
I'm not going to ask you to come by my blog because you already know about it and you need more walking practice time.
Lisle: You saying I am HIGH??? Oh wait... tripping as in falling? Phew! And I'm going there anyway, fucker. Not that I'm ever sure which of your 100 blogs to go TO...
ReplyDeleteWell I can comfort you by saying that I've yelped out in pain today too? Hope that knee's gonna recover fast!
ReplyDeleteI have a weird fear that I'll be walking up the stairs, trip somehow, fall into the stairs face first and knock all my teeth out. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm not a normal human. Sorry about your fall.
ReplyDeleteChalk it up to one of those shitty Monday's that we are all faced with from time to time. Could be worse though. You could have come home from work only to have to clean up after your dog following his hump fest with his "Hot Doll". If you don't know what the hell I'm referencing here, then stop by for a troll of the most recent sick and twisted stuff I have posted.
ReplyDeleteCheers and onwards and upwards my bloggy friend!
My thesis was about the history of bad knee years. It's too bad you didn't fall a long time ago, I could have interviewed you.
ReplyDeleteAs for laughing, this works:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X21mJh6j9i4&feature=feedrec_grec_index
Oh my god, I would have totally flipped off anyone that didn't help me up, if I was you. But then, you have manners, and I don't.
ReplyDeleteI love cheese.
ReplyDeleteI'm dying laughing at your descriptions of this event. Meerkats! ha ha ha ha. The cars backing up? Ha ha ha. But don't be too upset. I've got a nip slip post coming, so you'll get to laugh back at me!
ReplyDeletePerhaps you would feel better if I told you about the time that I kicked myself in my own shin hard enough to leave a bruise? And I did it in front of people.
ReplyDelete"fucker....100 blogs..."
ReplyDeleteDo I sense a tad bit of frustration?
Just search on "A Few Clowns Short". Oh don't pick on short clowns either.
when you were describing your frizzy humid afro, i was picturing lionel ritchie and now i have "Hello... Is it me you're looking for" stuck in my head. this is a great thing, btw. so thank you very much, my friend.
ReplyDeleteSee? This is what we get when we try to be healthy. We end up on all fours and bleeding in the middle of a road.
ReplyDeleteAn arse meerkat? You are my hero. Do hope the knee is okay. Don 't know about funny, but stupid I can do. New phone as of this week. Looked at the screen and read "Upwey 11-32" and exclaimed "that can't be right" it being Winter and all, to which my youngest pointed out that it was the time not the weather forecast. I hearby claim the crown of stupidity.
ReplyDeleteOne more fall and your knee is going to think you have a personal vendetta against it. Then it will turn on you and get all dislocaty and say, 'ha! Thought you'd beaten me didn't you? But now you can't walk at all!! HA!!!' Or something like that. I don't know, I don't speak very good knee.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of hookers, do we all get to pimp our blogs today? And because I can't leave it alone....
ReplyDeleteOhio hookers coming soon eh?
And here I thought it was just a job.
Hey, are you going to combine Ohio hookers with Riverdancing? Now wouldn't that be a trick ... because usually I associate Ohio with things like hillbillies and sisters. Sometimes corn. Hopefully not inquisitive meerkats.
Wow. I need to go. My silly little head is going some stupid places. I should really go drink myself proper.
Good for you.
ReplyDeleteI don't even like walking to my car.
Well, I am so glad I read this, because this here Ohio hooker just twisted her ankle twice in Satan's large-graveled parking lot. Just now! I also regularly make an ass outta myself in the middle of the intersection, tripping, falling, losing a heel, pants falling down....
ReplyDeleteI saw a dog fall out of a car window the other day. You wanna talk about a confused expression, the poor dog went spinning across four lanes of traffic like Bambi on ice with a look on his face as though aliens had just goosed his backside.
ReplyDeleteStill the dog's confused expression was nothing compared to his owner's who realized a mile or so down the road that his dog was no longer in the car and came running down the street, crying, and screaming, "where is he? Oh God, where is he?!"
The dog was fine, by the way. Just thought I should mention that. All the cars stopped. So, yay.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure they were the cutest rain-soaked ginger pubes on the street.
ReplyDeleteHa! That's what you get for being to cool for an umbrella.
Laugh, you say? Okay:
ReplyDeleteLearn Piano to Get Laid
Learn Guitar to Get Laid, Vol. 1
Learn Guitar to Get Laid, Vol. 2
You're welcome.
Ohio?? That's where I live and I can tell you that you don't need to be walking through the rain for your hair to frizz, the humidity alone will do that for you! It makes my bangs sprout wings on the side so that I am constantly ready to take flight during the summer months.
ReplyDeleteWynn: Well today it feels a lot better so maybe the knee scored a few points after all? It does have a fetching bruise though. So I still desire your sympathy. :)
ReplyDeleteNic: I HAVE THAT TOO. So far so good though. Watch me tomorrow do that very thing though. Holy shit if I didn't have arms I wouldn't dare leave the house.
Empress: I aim to find out exactly what you're talking about right after I answer these comments. Currently I'm approaching four days behind in blog comments. This is because I suck ASS.
Words: Dude. Those Panda things are my favourite. I LOVE THEM. I laugh till I hurt. I even posted them here months ago. That panda is my damn HERO.
Dazee: Well I did IN MY head! Then I took my sweet time getting out the way. And what are these manners things you speak of? :)
Amanda: I know dude. It's ok. I do too. It's because we're super mega cool.
Jules: You mean newlywedded betch! :) Hahaha nip slips are hilarious. Almost as hilarious as "nip SLOPS" which is what I originally typed. Ha!!!
Megs: I do. I do feel better. And I'm truly sorry for laughing out loud when I read that because it is totally NOT FUNNY. At all. No. HAHAHAHA!
Lisle: You know what you sense. Me not having a CLUE what you are talking about, man. You crazy fucker.
Gunny: You know, in all my years on this Earth no one has yet likened me to Lionel Ritchie so I guess today is a milestone of sorts. The fact I'm not black, not a man, don't have curly hair and don't have an anorexic daughter is besides the point. I knew someone would figure it out some time!
Becks: Fuck yes. I do see. It's why I am saying "screw that walking on roads business" and walking only on the treadmill now with cushions either side and the safety rail attached. And while munching potato chips.
ReplyDeleteRusty: You know, I won't judge, dude, truly. I regularly read my alarm clock upside down and totally confuse the shit out of myself so I can't laugh at anyone's doings.
Tenny: My knee hates me. I'm pretty sure it's just waiting for a prime embarrassing public moment now so it can give out entirely and throw me over a cliff or something.
Chef: Sure, why not. Pimp away, food queen. No Ohio hookers, sorry. That was why COMMAS were invented, fool! :)
Moooooog: I know man, no one likes walking to your car, it's because you might be a bit rapey. Hahaha, sorry, I'm kidding, but I totally felt like being an asshole. You know how it is. :)
Dawn: Satan needs to go eff himself with that loose gravel nonsense. Down with that. Free tequila for anyone suffering ankle injuries. And causing a few more probably.
Cora: Jesus Christ, dude, I should think so! Poor dog. Mean, mean Cora. :) I didn't laugh. Sniff. Lol.
Ed: They were, Eddie, they were. And I had an umbrella, suckah, I just was too cool to USE it.
Joshua: Hahaha, oh dear. Does it work for ukes? Or guitars? I haver those. Does it make men fall out of the sky if you twang a uke string? I'm totally going to try it then cruelly send all my would be flying man suitors, packing.
Gretchen: Hahaha, the bang-wings! I know those! God it's annoying isn't it? All your layery bits go in different directions and you wind up looking mentally challenged... By "you" I totally mean "me".
ReplyDeleteIf only they would invent a treadmill with a dispenser that places chips INTO your mouth, so that you don't have to let go of the handles and possibly take a nasty spill. Also, we should just have surrogate bodies that can do our exercising for us, like in that dumb Bruce Willis movie.
ReplyDeleteDamn it, I hate that! I hate when you make sense!
ReplyDeleteThat movie totally WAS dumb. So dumb I can't even remember its name now.
Unfortunately my waistline means I wouldn't fit in your pocket. But if you need an ego boost, I'm happy to iblige.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, avoid throwing a shotput in the traditional windup. A knee problem will only be exacerbated in that way. Just saying.
ReplyDeleteBTW, strawberry blondes are the best, but you know, gingers are still ok and stuff.
yesterday I ran. I ran so far away (80's flashback sorry) and I lost to concrete and age. I don't know the score but I aint winning.
ReplyDeleteMartin: Hey, maybe I have BIG POCKETS! :) Ha!!
ReplyDeleteEric: Well I'm definitely in that cusp area but more on the strawberry/honey side than the pure ginger. I'm complicated, what can I tell you?
Iz: You better have the FoS haircut to back that statement up, dude. :)
ReplyDeleteExercise is the Cosmos' way of getting us to entertain them.
ReplyDelete*puts a bandaid on your boo-boo knee*
I know you had mentioned you were a klutz, but you make sound like a ballet dancing.
ReplyDeleteLove the hair & sweat description. I think you should have gone home and posed for head shots to launch your modeling career.
Note: I'm about to eat breakfast and the thought of 'ginger pubes' is stuck in my head. Thanks for nothing.
So, are you planning on gimping home today?
Er, this is awkward, but you appear to have unwittingly plagiarized my as-yet unpublished memoirs. Specifically the passage about my first sexual experience:
ReplyDelete"...on all fours in the middle of a road, while a line of cars backs up behind you, your ass swaying in the air pertly, like an inquisitive meerkat, while your knee bleeds merrily through your jeans and you have a confused expression painted on your face that screams, “I have no idea what is happening right now but I am willing it to stop…”."
I have a new pair of platform wedges that I regularly slip in and walk on the side of my ankle. But they're so cute I can't give them up.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Perhaps I will cheer you up with a sprightly little tune on my new mandolin? I'm learning how to play "Turkey in the Straw."
Katsi: Thank you! My knee is giggling now with happiness!
ReplyDeleteLittle Ms.: You're welcome Ginger Pubes!!!! And buses are my new friend. Rediscovered. Screw walking. I can walk on a damn treadmill like normal people.
Johnson: Sorry 'bout that, dude, I wasn't planning on mentioning any names but thanks for outing yourself. :) Bless you! In a non religious way of course!
Mandy: Mandolin, huh! That's impressive. I used to play in a band that had a mandolin player in our early incarnation. I loved the sound of it. Yay for the string instruments!
I know ginger pubes. Then I died them. Then they were lemon pubes. It's all pubes when you have curly hair. WTF? Pube away, girl.
ReplyDeleteOoooh, falling down and bleeding in public is SUCH a bummer, 'specially when you don't have anyone around to stare down the looky-you's that gather round to point. Gahhhhhh, not nice. I'm also giving a passing nod to keeping fit, (what? Wipe that smirk off your face or I'm leaving..)c'ept I'm sticking to the treadmill in my house - less chance of humiliation, y'know?
ReplyDeleteI do all my healthy things away from the public gaze. Not for me walking any distance, running or working out in a gym. Swimming doesn't count.
ReplyDeletea) because I can't do laps in my bath and
b) no one can see my body underwater.
Now you've learnt your lesson, get back on the bus or in the car.
Momma: Hahaha, you're the pube queen, momma. I don't have curly hair (merely slightly wavy) which is what prevents me from being 100% pube when it rains. :)
ReplyDeleteShrinky: Treadmills in your house are the ONLY way to go. Because once you get tired you can flop down right there and rest and you're STILL HOME. Plus then you can eat some cheese. If you're out running five miles and you tire after two, you are FUCKED, Shrinky. See? Treadmills win.
Roses: Yes ma'am. I am back on the transportation with wheels, no worries. Treadmill only. I got it. Loud and clear. :)