Use Your Words, People

April, 2019

I'm officially old as sin. I can't keep up with the kids anymore, what with their horrid club fashions, over the top crazy make up that would make Pennywise blush, and the thing that pisses me off above all else - long sentences full of emojis.

I hate emojis. I don't care who knows it. There's nothing worse than someone sending you a row of exuberant little yellow fuckers instead of actual words, because I have no idea what you're trying to say, and will reset my brain to the default setting of just thinking you're mentally retarded. 

It's even worse than back in the early thousands where texting was in its infancy, and assholes started to shorten and abbreviate words, making me hate humanity. I H8 U EMOJIS.

This is my rule; you can use the happy emoji or the sad emoji, and maybe a little mischievous guy who knows some shit, when you're being fruity, but that's where I draw the line. Once it evolves beyond the obvious, into weird images where I have to sit there baffled for ten hours trying to find some hidden, clever meaning behind it all, know that I have no freaking idea what you're trying to say and I will imbibe some strong liquor and try to quosh the overwhelming urge to track you down and bludgeon you with a large dictionary, till you make sense. 

It's like bumping your head then suddenly realizing you're illiterate, which, I'm pretty sure most people already think I am. 

Can you imagine we used this nonsense in real life? If you walk into your doctor's office with an ailment, and he asks what's up, and you respond with a poop emoji and a string of random images, I hope he gets out that mallet thing they used to test your reflexes in 1905, and bashes you over the head with it till you repent.

I may be grouchy today, it's hard to tell. Please leave me some lovely, no doubt emoji filled comments, so I can think bad, bad thoughts about you.

Well, This Was Pointless But Really What Isn't?

September 2018

Seems like the second the clock ticked over from August to September, the leaves here started to turn orange and the temperature dropped five degrees. And we got the first rain in three months. Crazeh mother nature, crazeh!

Everyone likes the fall though, am I right? I am right. It's the best of all the seasons, really, no matter how much you try to tell yourself it should be summer. It's not as touristy and full on as summer, and not as brutal an asshole as winter. I mean you can rock the sandals and still throw on a cosy sweater in the evening. It's the best of both worlds. It also makes me want to start cooking shepherd's pies, and cobblers, and weird, creamy soups featuring butternut squash and all the Indian spices there are, because autumn means comfort and nourishment and horror movies - which don't seem to fit with either of those things but oh well.

It also means time to hit up Bath & Body Works for candles that make everything stink up the place real nice. I get it, candles are a lady thing you gentlemen will never get, but man, who doesn't like to spend $12.50 on some smelly ambience that lasts a good week or more?

Most of all, Fall to me is the time I head to Walmart and buy slippers. I get a new pair every year and love them, even though within a month they've flattened out and make me walk funny, and have no spring to them, and I hate them. I know I should just fork out some real moolah and get a good, strong, expensive pair, lovingly sewn by Inuit craftsmen in Nunuvut out of like...bears, that I can wear forever, but I never do. Partly because I don't buy shit made from bears and partly because meh, I just like to get sucked in annually by the fuzzy, pink or leopard print, polyester, crappy Walmart ones that look like a big, fluffy hug, even though IT IS ALL A LIE.

In other news, I'm getting a haircut this week, anyone care to guess what kind of disaster that will be?

Lots of Random Brain Farts

August 30th, 2018

Today I got a passive aggressive email from the Google informing me my subscription to comment notifications had expired, posing two questions; 1) there's a subscription for that? and 2) I subscribed to it? Anyway, investigation showed that I had in fact received numerous comments from you lovely people, not been notified about any of them, and they were partying it up in my moderation folder, totally oblivious. Situation has now been rectified, thank you and sorry and all that...

Summer's cooling down here now, so you can wear a sweatshirt again without expiring and it feels like Fall is in the air, which means two things to me; Halloween and horror movies. And having to wear shoes again. Okay, three things.

This summer has been fairly uneventful, except for visiting the Oregon Coast, where I ate local creamery cheese stuffed with cranberries (nom!) and drank Mead (because that's a genuine thing that exists in 2018 and not just in King Arthur's court back in the day).

Yeah we drank it out of huge tumblers because we were in a hotel and that's all there was, don't you judge. Also, bonus: IT WAS GOOD.

You have no idea how much sand I found in the cuff of my jeans...

What else did this summer bring? Oh yes, I bruised my leg so badly one day on the rough corner of my bed, that I let out a shriek that could probably be heard in Seattle. Like, you know those weird, loud, atmospheric noises that have scientists around the world baffled? They're probably some other clumsy asshole hitting their leg on a sharp bed corner. But yay, a summer without an injury? Like that could be a thing.

Other than that it's the same old, same old. But I have leftovers from a delicious butternut squash veggie garlic noodle thing I made for dinner last night, so all is right with the world, currently.

Till the next cruise ship arrives anyway.

Oregon - The Coastal state that isn't Washington or California

August 2018

A few weeks ago, on a giant whim of inspiration and spontaneity, we took a trip to the Oregon Coast. I've passed through Oregon numerous times on the way to other, more vacationy states, or on the way back to Washington, however, I had never actually made it all the way across to the coast. Generally, when in Oregon, I'm swearing at drivers on the I5 around Portland where they seem to like to host a special traffic jam whenever I'm anywhere near.

Unsurprisingly, the coast was beautiful. And windy. But mostly beautiful. Morning fog rolling in over the ocean, like something out of a Stephen King novel, gorgeous vistas and rocky, ocean landscapes laid out before you like...well...ocean landscapes, basically. So pretty.

Wanna see a few pictures? Tough titty, mister or missus, I'm doing it. These aren't in any order of any sort (hello, this is me!) just some of my faves. Just a tiny, poignant selection for your perusal.

Our first stop was in Bandon, Oregon, south of Coos Bay, where we marvelled at the stunning views and took a drive down the Gold Coast towards California. I might be wrong here, however, I think the Oregon portion of the Pacific Coast Highway, might be even more stunning than the Californian part. High lookouts, rocky shorelines, beautiful beaches.

See?

Bandon Beach

Not too shabby, eh? Seemed like everywhere you went in Bandon you got a view like this.

We also saw the wonderfully named Cape Foulweather and Cape Perpetua. I think this photo is of the latter, but don't quote me on it.

Some horses on the beach in Seaside, OR

So many secluded coves

Haystack Rock in Cannon Beach for Goonies fans

Naturally, this is a tiny selection of the pretty, but I'm losing the will to live and the other million photos are similar oceany shots. I mean I don't want to bore people to death. Not today.

A real blog entry is coming later. This one's been in my drafts for three weeks. C'est la vie!

Is Life Treating YOU right?

May 2018

The other day, while sitting at my desk doing worky things, my little Google Home smartpod, with no prompting whatsoever, yells, "SOUNDS LIKE LIFE IS TREATING YOU RIGHT!" making me jump like a lunatic.

I don't know what information it collated to come to that startling conclusion, and it wasn't inaccurate, just somewhat random. Also it scared the living crap out of me and I'm still laughing about it today. Calm down, guy! His exuberance was terrifying.

Other than this, things have been uneventful. Not to say it's been dismal or anything, just nothing weird or noteworthy has occurred lately. Summer is here pretty much, and the sun is shining and I can wear sandals and t-shirts again all the time which I approve of.

Hope you're all keeping on keeping on?

When Your Loaf Revolts

April 10th, 2018

Some days your creative juices just won't squeeze. Usually, it's not an issue, but when you're working in a creative field this can be problematic, so you spend your time jogging your available resources for inspiration, anything to jump start that spark. Surfing through Pinterest, Deviant Art, Etsy...just one thing to make you exclaim, "Oh I know what I'll do!"

Sometimes it pans out. Yesterday it didn't. I couldn't come up with a viable idea to save my life, my brain whirred and stirred like maybe it was cooking up some fragment of an idea, before sputtering out into nothing like a battery on the blink.

I've learned, through experience, you can't force these things, so instead of sitting frustrated at my lack of vision, I did some admin stuff I'd been putting off, then I climbed out of my attic office mid-afternoon, headed to the kitchen, and baked me a big cashew and lentil loaf.

I love my nut loaves. I know they have this image of being hippy veggie food and people enjoy scoffing at them as the food of weak little vegetarians who could use a big, fucking steak, but usually those are people who've never tasted a good one, because they are truly one of the tastiest things ever.

I will procrastinate making one for weeks - this one was no exception - because they're time consuming and have so many stages, but the final result is exceptional. You can either slice them up and serve with multiple veggies or salad or potatoes (I usually make one for Thanksgiving and Christmas for myself and they go great with cranberry sauce) or you can do what I'm doing this time, and slice it thinner and use cold, as a filling for sandwiches. They make the best sandwiches.

So it ended up being a somewhat productive day after all, in that it fed my belly with something nutritious and super tasty, and today? Well I might get something creative done after all.

Bottoms up!

Sunday, April 1st, 2018

Happy Easter Fools day, people!

As I'm a fool and I enjoy chocolate, this is the day made for me. Not being a religious type, Easter in my mind is synonymous with eggs. Of the chocolate variety. I have nothing else to say about it, it is what it is. If there's a tradition involving chocolate, I'm down for it.

It's spring here, and the cherry blossoms are in full bloom which is nice, because my town is full of them and it's like driving through corridors of pink and white. And today it's really windy, so it looks like it's raining pink and sunny at the same time. Excellent. It's like a salve for the senses, or something else poetic like that.

This was just a brief check in, I'll leave you with a photo from last night of a soothing ocean partial sunset. I love the clouds reflected in the shallow pools.

Toodaloo!