Today, around 7:30 a.m., as I was walking in the half-light, around our site on my way to my office, a rat the approximate size of a German Shepherd, shot out from behind some pallets, scurried over my foot in its haste to scare me to death, and made me emit a sound like a 1940s' horror movie victim as she opens her velvet drapes to find a glowering Dracula hovering there in mid-air, like a vampiric, satanic fart. I honestly don't know who got the bigger fright, but I'd wager it was me.
I don't know what's going on in our place, lately. The creatures that frequent it are like colossal mutants, full of food plant leftovers and homicidal intent.
One early morning, I was walking down the thin, paved path, at the back of the factory, when I found my way blocked by the Orson Welles of birds - a giant, rotund thing with a scowl like Kiefer Sutherland when he finds out his car's broken down in a dry town. The avian Tony Soprano was blocking the entire path (and possibly the sun!) with its fearsome aura of malice. He was clearly sizing me up before turning into one of those crows in Hitchcock's "The Birds" and mowing me down in a bloody pool on the paving.
Now technically it was a seagull, but like no seagull you've ever seen this side of Hades. Eyes like tiny, black currants, if currants can be straight from the depths of Hell. It had a body the size of a milk cow, a hooked beak you could moor a boat on. He was a gargantuan, murderous beast of a thing. And he would NOT BUDGE. Most seagulls see a human approach and they sigh and reluctantly fly off while maybe weighing up the options of spitefully shitting on your head. Not this guy. He sat perfectly still, like he was stuffed, and he stared me out with his beady, Danny de Vito, death eyes. I swear he was smirking. When I got almost all the way up to him he came right out and said, "I hope you don't think I'm going anywhere, human. And you even THINK about walking around me and I will eat your eyeballs."
Oddly enough he sounded a lot like Nathan Lane, which I DID NOT EXPECT.
Man, that bird owned that path. Damn thing sat there and had a Mexican stand off with me for about five minutes before I distracted him with half of my lunch, and ran like the wind towards my office door.
Things are afoot in creatureland, that's all I'm saying.
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So. People have nudged me about my total ineptness at updating this thing and they are correct. It's just, I don't have a life reall...
I don't blame you for being cautious. I mean, look at him, giving you that mean look with that squinted eye. It's as if he's just daring you to make a move. Not good. Not good at all.
ReplyDeleteYeah, he is just looking for a fight. Not today, bird, not today.
ReplyDeleteSo...just wondering, who would win the rat or the bird? At least the rat ran away from you. The bird...just a death stare!
ReplyDeleteI hate creatures. Also birds are creepy. I've seen the movie. I know what they do.
ReplyDeleteThat bird looks like he eats chihuahuas for breakfast.
ReplyDeleteDaniella: I agree. CREEPY. Oddly enough I really like crows which are the creepiest of birds but sort of fascinating. And penguins. Who doesn't love penguins?
ReplyDeleteChristian: Dude, he eats ROTTWEILERS for breakfast...
I take your enormous seagull and raise you 20 vultures, which is what we see perched atop our apartment dumpster every morning staring at us as we walk to our cars.
ReplyDeleteThe solution was right there for you should of "sighed and reluctantly walk off while maybe weighing up the options of spitefully shitting on his head".... yeah turn the tables on the feathery thugs, see how dey like dem apples!!
ReplyDeleteWhat just happened? Did I leave a comment or not?
ReplyDeleteIt said something about vultures and went a little something like this:
I see your enormous seagull and raise you 20 vultures, which is what are perched on our apartment dumpster every morning... something something... staring at us.
If there ever was a bird with an attitude, it's this one. I think he's got a short bird complex...
ReplyDeleteLady: I think I might work with your vultures! :) Wait...no...I might BE one of your vultures. So hungry all the damn time lately. HI BUDDY!
ReplyDeleteBloggs: I just snorted aloud and I'm on the bus so you know. What a LOVELY image is in my head now, thank YOU.
Lady: No, you merely imagined that comment up there above Joe. You are magic.
Pat: Yes! That is exactly right. He's the Napoleon of birds. Stout, haughty and tiny. Napoleon. That is his new name. That I will never call him to his face in case he tries to eat mine.
Ha! That bird looks just like Danny DeVito as The Penguin. Probably the same height too. Anyway....
ReplyDeleteThe other day I was walking down a busy street here in Chicago when out of the corner of my eye I saw a cat darting around under moving cars in the middle of the street. I gasped and stopped to look, ablaze in horror that the cars weren't stopping to let the poor cat pass. But then I got a better look and it was no cat. It was a giant bloated rat! Gah! It zigzagged its way through the moving cars and ran right past me into a crack in the fence of a business I immediately decided I will NEVER set foot in again. Blah.
Do you think these are actually small kids or midgets dressed as land rats or flying rats aka seagulls (god, I hate those things).
ReplyDeleteCora: Hahahahahahahaha! IT DOES!
ReplyDeleteLittle Ms: I think....OMG...you might be right! Or those flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz.