I’m all full of the joys of Monday today for real, since I’m only working till 12:30, since I’m basically SUPPOSED to be part time, in order to leave time for my other job (being awesome!). So far today, however, I’ve been full-time crazy busy and the other chick I work with called in sick, so you know…it’s not looking great presently for my early exit. It’s amazing what knowing you’re leaving five hours earlier than usual (hopefully) will do for your mood. That and the fact you are smug in the knowledge that you still have half a stuffed crust pizza left in the fridge for dinner and enough Coke Zero to drown any sorrows you may have left. Oh yes please.
Obviously wine would be better but hey, I’m getting old, wine’s strictly for weekends.
A few gripes for today:
1) I heard that fairly horrible G-whine-eth Paltrow “Country Strong” number earlier and marvelled at just how much they have auto-tuned the living shit out of her voice. There were notes in it where she almost confirmed my long-time suspicions that she’s actually an evil, homicidal, android robot from a parallel universe. Who invented auto-tune? I’d like to kick them right in their fanny region and I don’t even care which “fanny” you celebrate, front or back. Right in the fanny with my boot. There’s no need for people to sound like robots. Not even The Paltrow. Don’t get me started on pop/dance music’s abuse of it. Really, don’t.
2) If you’re serving me in a store and you’re bagging up my item and getting me change, don’t yap to your friend at the next till about your weekend like I’m not even there. Because I AM there and so is my finger and girlfriend, I will poke you right in the eye. I like to interrupt with inane blurt-outs when this happens. “I HAVE SO MANY PENNIES, LOOK AT MY PENNIES!”, “YOUR CABBAGE IS EXTORTIONATE!” Drives them batty.
4) Someone needs to find the person at Yahoo, who keeps insisting on taking ridiculous articles from “Cosmopolitan” about what women want in a man, and reposting them on Yahoo News, then take them out back and shoot them right in the tits.
5) I hate broccoli. There is no reason for it to exist. So it’s good for you, big deal. It’s nasty and looks like a lung that’s been coughed up and left to go mouldy. No one needs to eat that. Broccoli’s like the Ringo Starr of the vegetable world, only less likable.
There, whine over. I’m going to go now and pretend I’m doing something productive. Holy crap, if there was a non-busy Monday, that would mean the apocalypse is here.
OMG #3. I bitch about the length of tee shirts every time I go shopping. Apparently, no one hears me because they just keep getting longer.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW! Even a basic t-shirt is bum length. No one needs that. Who exactly does that flatter? IDIOTS!
ReplyDeleteI would just like to chime in by saying the ONLY thing more annoying than a cashier ignoring you and talking to someone else is when YOU are the cashier and someone comes in to pay ON THEIR CELL PHONE.
ReplyDeleteI don't poke anyone in the eye. But I do stand there and stare at them like they have the plague until they hang up. Don't shove your crisp $20 under my nose and keep talking, because until you acknowledge my existence, that bill means nothing to me!!!
Holy shit yes, I see people do that all the time and I want to slap them upside the head and I don't even WORK in a store. :) So annoying.
ReplyDeleteIf you cover the broccoli in cheese...I'm talking smother the bitch...it tastes ok.
ReplyDeleteThat's the beauty of cheese, it makes everything better. I bet you could smother it on Rod Stewart and even he'd....okay no, bad example.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you smothered G-whine-eth Paltrow. In cheese I mean. Smothered her in cheese!
ReplyDeleteThis weekend we are at the grocery store and the cashier says to the bagger, "Maybe I'll come over wearing a miniskirt!" And he chuckles slyly and she says "Would you like that?" and I think "Shoot me NOW."
ReplyDeleteI loathe the long t-shirts as well. I barely have any legs as it is. I can do without the Turn-me-into-the-8th-Dwarf-shirts. Oh and total Gooooooooal on "shoot them in the tits". You, my friend, are awesome.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you don't want to rethink that wine is only for the weekend thing, sounds like you could use a glass or three. :)
ReplyDeleteYahoo is horrible at reposting lots of articles. That one last week about Gwyneth Paltrow standing in line at the grocery store while trying to buy her broccoli, only to be a few pennies short. It really was not news worthy.
Tried the Coke Zero in place of my Pepsi Max.
ReplyDeleteNot a fan.
That is all.
Manager: Sad thing is, she'd be covered in cheese and still weigh less than a pea. :)
ReplyDeleteLachochran's: Oh dear. I'd have trouble not letting something sarcastic slip out in that situation. You did well my friend. You did well.
Meow: Yes those effers and their long assed clothing. They definitely need a titteh shooting. :)
NP: You know you're right. I want wine on a MONDAY when it's really needed. Sadly, Tuesday is less fun if that happens though... I missed the GP article, because I get Yahoo Canada - a whole other set of useless.
Ed: You're like Queen Victoria with a penis, aren't you? "We are not amused!"
I think Rod Stewart is made of cheese. The stinky kind. That you scrape from under Donald Trump's balls.
ReplyDeleteI had another comment but I got all distracted. So there.
"fuck off now please and take their goddamn jeggings" -- Yes. Please for the love of all that is candy, burn these things from the memories of the world. Launch them into the sun. They hurt my eyes!
ReplyDeleteAs a vertically challenged gal, not only do the t-shirts need to be sent back to the 80's, but the MAXI skirts and dresses need to return to the 60's. Not everyone is 6' 2" - and the stuff in the "petite" department sucks!
ReplyDeleteI'll take your broccoli, if you will take my brussel sprouts...Blech!
ReplyDeleteI hear you about the chit chatting between grocery checkers. Remember back in the day when checkers really had to know things? Like how much stuff cost HOW TO MAKE CHANGE??? Now they seem just a wee step above the bagger...
Elly: And I agree wholeheartedly! Oh Jesus, the Trump comment made me simultaneously guffaw and gag. :) Thank YOU. Is this because I commented on your boobage?
ReplyDeleteJoshua: Agreed. Let's have a protest! With food and drink and much fist waving.
Laughingmom: I know! MOST people aren't hugely tall so I don't get it at all. Maybe we're all just misshapen... :)
Pat: I like the sprouts! Trade! :) You're right about the checkers though. Thinking is no longer necessary. I mean if I had a machine telling me the change I wouldn't bother either!
The person who writes the cosmo articles is probably the wife/girlfriend/sister (or all 3) of the man who writes for the lad's mags about how all men want hot chicks who have the figure of a beanpole and the sexual appetite of Mae West.
ReplyDeleteMan, can you imagine having to have dinner with THAT couple? It's hard to eat when all you want to do is PUNCH. :) Seriously, those articles are all absurd, yet people lap them up. Insane.
ReplyDeleteBroccoli smells like farts. So does cabbage, which I think makes it such a unique attention getter. Good call, Veg, good call.
ReplyDeleteRecently my boyfriend left broccoli in the fridge too long and it went bad. Dear God in Heaven..oh the smell. I'm still traumatized. He's not allowed to have it anymore. Broccoli privileges are officially revoked. He'll probably just switch to farten cabbage now, watch.
Why is Cosmo even sold anymore? I've never read it but once before the web existed I flipped through one once. From the titles on the cover I think it is still the same articles about the sex secrets of men. Yeah, like we have any secrets. You flash us something we will tell you anything you want to know.
ReplyDeleteSo what does awesome pay in your neighborhood?
Some of the long shirts are too long, I agree. However the ones that are just a few inches longer than a few years ago are a godsend for us tall girls who struggle to find shirts that won't show skin above the waist when reaching for something on a shelf.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA!!! #2 made me laugh out loud! Hard. HAHAHA! Pennies! Look at my pennies! love it! you crack me up! even here in Spain you crack me up!
ReplyDeleteThanks for that vision of broccoli as a coughed up, moldy lung. I'm hereby crossing broccoli off the list of vegetables I will eat.
ReplyDelete1. i like your new header. i mean, it's alright if you like that kind of thing.
ReplyDelete2. i'm a big fan on the long top. i like that the longness hides my excess muffin top, which in itself looks like it's multiplied onto my thigh/ hip section.
3. i LOVE broccoli. i don't know what it is, but i could eat it every fucking night for dinner. on a totally unrelated note, i'm pretty sure i have an iron deficiency.
Dude. Long tops are the most awesome thing that has ever been invented. I don't know if it's that my ass is big, I have a tall upper body or whatever, but put me in a regular length top and I'll be showing off my asscrack all day. And no, tightening that belt will only make it harder for me to sit down. People actually put pennies in people's butt cracks if they're showing at work. I'm religious with having an over-lengthened shirt. And no one needs to see that I'm wearing bf's underwear...
ReplyDeleteI read Cosmopolitan for the sex surveys.
ReplyDeleteSo far, I haven't gotten far enough to employ said survey answers.
I'm a long shirt girl. I think it happened when pants suddenly started sitting so much lower. Now, I can't help it...
ReplyDeleteThe 80s were horrible the first time around--why the fuck would anyone want to revive them?! Do they think they can do better this time? Wrong! Shoulder pads, big hair and leggings will NEVER be acceptable!
ReplyDeleteAuto-tune works for Bob Dylan, and only Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan is allowed to use it because his fans have earned it - we stuck by him through the tone deaf years, and now we are old and want to hear pleasant things.
ReplyDeleteFor the sake of mankind, someone needs to drown gwyneth in cheese and then shove her down a garbage disposal ...and don't forget to throw in the jeggings too!
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the 'busy' lately.
ReplyDeleteI've always admired girls who flash their pennies.
I'm going to go ahead and assume that "pennies" is a pseudonym for something else. Because I love shouting that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your new header makes me infinitely happy.
You're other job is Being Awesome??? Damm - how do other people get all the good jobs, that's what I want to know....
ReplyDelete*gasp!* I love broccoli. Love. It. I eat broccoli every day.
ReplyDeleteCan we still be friends?
Sunny: OMG. I have smelled that smell. The zombie broccoli smell. In fact, any vegetable rotting in the fridge smells like the worst stench of nasty EVER. Gross. And well. The farts I'll have to take your word for.
ReplyDeleteLisleman: What does awesome pay around here? NOT ENOUGH! Huh! Cosmo's a big heap of shit and I can't quite believe anyone pays it any mind anymore. Yet they do.
Lauren: I just want a tshirt that comes past the top of my jeans. That's all. Not cover my entire ass region. Maybe they could come in tall and shorter lengths and please tall girls like you and medium girls like me equally? :)
Rita: Spain huh? So you're drunk on sangria right now is that what you're telling me? It explains a LOT.
Boom Boom: Yes, boycott it. It's for your own good. It pretends to be good for you while trying to kill you with its stank.
Gunny: Are you and I going to fall out now, is that it? You diss my header in a roundabout way, you LIKE broccoli and long shirts. WTF? :)
Wynn: I don't mind butt crack covering shirts when you're sitting just not damn shirts that are tunic length. I hate them. I will not be swayed. Pennies in the ass or not.
Rahul: Probably a good thing, dude. I mean you'd have endured a few good slaps by now (and not the fun kind) if you had. Stay away!
Roasted broccoli is tasty, cauliflower is just gnarly.
ReplyDeleteI'm just glad the leisure suit hasn't made a comeback and the poncho is gone!
Libby: Well I am a firm believer in shirts extending to at least the top of the pants, I'm not all about midriff shirts or anything, it's just that so many tees are too damn long.
ReplyDeleteKatsidhe: THANK YOU. They were. I've been saying this very thing forEVER. Well since the 8os anyway... :)
Brigid: Bless poor old Bob. He never could sing but yet he managed to write some kick ass songs.
Empress: Wow, someone's got the G.P. hate. :) I concur. Hooray! Maybe don't waste the cheese though, just put her right in the disposal.
Eric: Oh dear. :) Never one to miss an opportunity for lewdness, are you Tex? Thank god.
Martini: You and Eric have a lewd club going, yay. And your crazy makes me infinitely happy! SO THERE.
Macy: Yes! Only I can do it. Don't worry. The position is adequately filled miss M.
Cora: NO. That is all. : )
Little Ms. B: I LIKE PONCHOS, BEEYATCH! And cauliflower. SO stick that in your Connecticut pie hole! :)
ReplyDeleteWhenever I see a gent wearing an oversized t-shirt I roll down my window and yell "nice dress." Please give it a try next time!
ReplyDeleteWhat about a tshirt with a picture of broccoli, that fits to our knees? Would that be uber bad?
ReplyDeletebroccoli is bunk. so is phoney baloney paltrow. they should both be served to death row pedophiles until they're gone gone gone. i'm angry today. obviously.
ReplyDeleteps: i love the new look over here! it takes the edge off my anger a bit. so does stuffed crust pizza actually.
ReplyDeleteMadame: Gasp! Now that is just MEAN! And made me horrified. And a little queasy. :)
ReplyDeletePatty: Haha but you're so funny when you're angry. And you speak sense. And the new look cheered me up too even though I just ripped it off my other blog, because it had a nice, clean look. Hee!
VA,
ReplyDeleteGood will to all dudes. That’s what I say.
Have a happy smiling day, Boonie
Dagnammit!! I liked broccoli till today. Hmmmmph.
ReplyDeleteTwin: I will CERTAINLY be doing that. You just know it. So be sure to put flowers on my grave.
ReplyDeleteBoonie: Well thank you Sir!
SD&BS: Haha, well I did you a FAVOUR then, obviously. Thank me later.
Ah, VA. You poor crabby thing, you. Come over here, sit next to me and let's pretend it's the weekend. I hear the boxed wines have become quite reasonable. Plus, it's in a box, which is just so cheesily cool I can't begin to tell you.
ReplyDeleteEven when you're crabby, you're funny. I think it's a Great White North thing.
Pearl
I read that as "great white shark" first time and was a little confused... Although I was going to take it as a compliment. I think you're more accurate though.
ReplyDeleteI think it's cute that you think the person who writes articles about "what women want" has tits.
ReplyDeleteA freakin MEN to the Cosmo blather on Yahoo! God, I could poke a baby's eye out, it torques me so much!
ReplyDeletePaltrow is an ungrateful, overprivileged, brat. I could kick her in the boob.
When people checking me out (as in clerks..) completely ignore me, I pretend sneeze all over them with lots of spit. It works. Try it.
80's. God kill me now.
I actually love broccoli, but only cooked. It's the tomatoes that make me vomit. An over-share, but I have made the effort to keep them down, and as long as they aren't by themselves I do OK.
I will second you on the Paltrow thing. She has an acting career that she's pretty good at, a rock start husband and a fancy life in London, she doesn't need to become a country star, is she really that bored? And the T-shirt thing. Big T-shirts only make me look pregnant and I'm not that fat to begin with, they just enhance the fact that my middle is bigger than anything else on me.
ReplyDeleteI disagree about the broccoli though, you're on your own there. And that leaves more for me dude. :)
Soooo...I was watching the Nate Berkus show and the blond dude from America's Next Top Model was on as a fashion guest or something. And HE mentioned jeggings. Said it was cool to wear them under a dress. I thought of you instantly.
ReplyDeleteI feel hungover every morning, even when i don't drink and for me, its because I'm nearly 50! Argh. Speaking of men's speedos (were we?) that brings back great memories. in London that was my first commission ever from a national newspaper - how much I hated Speedos!
ReplyDeleteChef: Well chefs are SUPPOSED to like broccoli, but you are WRONG. :)
ReplyDeleteGennifer: Stop it. Stop it with the broccoli love. Stuff's gross. And I agree on Gwyneth. Just pick a career and stick to it, damn it.
Amanda: Well I'm not sure how I feel about jeggings reminding you of ME! Heavens woman!
Last Weekend: Aren't they hideous things? They should be banned. Even toned people look ridiculous i them. I don't want to look at the outline of your damn nut sack thank you, gents.