State’s Evidence: South Carolina

Tuesday, February 1st, 2011 – Late, thirsty, eye strain, itchy nipple

OK, my little dung bunnies, let’s get this state business out of the way nice and early in the week, so we can get on with less educational (!) and much more fun stuff. 

This week, as suggested by the lovely and charmingly accented Aly at Calling People Names, I will teach you all about the sheer awesomeness that makes up the heart of the Southern Eastern Seaboard - South Carolina.

Now I’m pretty willing to admit that I know fuck all about South Carolina apart from what I’ve seen of it while driving through it, en route to Florida, high on the fumes of sweet, sweet caffeine and muttered insanity.   This would consist mainly of the exceedingly classy and tasteful “South of the Border”, which oddly enough isn’t south of any immediate border except the one with North Carolina.  Oh the anticipation of miles and miles of exciting coming attraction signs that build to a crescendo just as you reach the Mecca of the South.  I think I even took a picture of that high class landmark of theirs.  Yep, here it is:

I have to admit, it wouldn’t be all that high on my list of shiny theme parks I’d like to visit.  It would, however, be high on my list of rickety, horrible theme parks where you could get some salmonella infused nachos and a confrontation with a rapey predator.  Sorry SOtB. 

The other thing I remember most clearly about South Carolina was the fact that the entire state seemed to be at war with itself.   The highway was stuffed full of billboards for either Jesus or strip clubs, sometimes both on the same board.   Fascinating stuff.   I really mean that.   Insane Jesus love and while you’re loving Jesus, please consider checking out some righteous titties.   Classy South Carolina, classy.    My suggestion is just to go right ahead and combine the fuck out of those things.  A nice big, white church where ladies dance in the nip round a big crucifix, while a crazed dude with an Elvis toupe, yells at parishioners in his shiny suit.

Anyway, what can I tell you about South Carolina that you might be able to impress people at dinner parties with?   Did you know that South Carolina was NOT, in fact, named after the nether regions of a hot chick called Carolina at all, but actually named after a dude named Charles?  King Charles I of England, as a matter of fact.  Why they didn’t just call it South Charles I have no idea.  Maybe old King Charlie liked wearing ladies’ panties?  I don’t know.  I’m guessing.  But I’m also guessing that my guesses are more interesting than the actual story.  So let’s just move on.

South Carolina is also the home of Myrtle Beach, which in turn, is the home of some of the most horrific large-people-in-small-swimwear sightings, seen on the entire east coast.  Honestly, trust me on this.  My retinae still sting and I break out in Gulf War Syndrome type rashes whenever I recall some of the hideous things I’ve seen there.

Interesting to note that South Carolina’s state dance is “THE SHAG”.  Hee.   Shag.  Who’s going to tell them that isn’t actually a DANCE?  And that Jesus most certainly wouldn’t approve?

Also interesting to note – SC’s colonial constitution was written by John Locke.

Really, who even knew it HAD a constitution? 

South Carolina was the first colony to declare independence from Great Britain, in 1776, despite the fact it drinks more tea than any other state.  This is a bit like being a heartless lover – take what you need then leave and never call.  During the Civil War, it also became the first state to secede from the union, in 1860, after being terrified that Abe Lincoln was about to become president and attempt to abolish slavery, leaving no one to bake a decent pie for the chill’un.   A pie drought in South Carolina was unthinkable.  It was a big old hot mess in those days really.  

As we’re keeping track of the religious traits of these states, I’m delighted to inform you that South Carolina has the lowest proportion of non-religious entities we’ve encountered so far – at 6%.  This means that 94% of South Carolinas would eat the entrails of Atheists at the drop of a hat.  Which is probably why I drove through it in a day or so.  Just to be safe.  I mean it was pretty and all, but I need my entrails.

…and burning crosses

Lastly, twice in South Carolina I encountered the following truck that disturbed me so much I had to take a photograph while driving.

Mozzarella Cheese, Food and PAPER PRODUCTS?  By “food” I have a sneaking suspicion they mean “Soylent Green”.   Plus the company’s called “CREMOSA”.  I don’t know about you but I don’t want to eat anything that comes from a company that sounds like it burns corpses while cooking pizza.  Interesting (to me only) fact – a few months later, when I’d all but forgotten about it, I came out of my apartment in Manhattan one morning and saw one of these trucks parked in front of the building.  I just about spattered a tan doughnut into my pants.  They’re following me.

Anyway, there’s your non educational, insulting portrait of South Carolina.   I do realize I didn’t teach you anything AT ALL except for my personal observations, but you know what?  Life’s disappointing, get used to it.

Next week it’s Massachusetts.