The other day, I was sitting there, fresh from the shower, in an old grey t-shirt, legs of my hot pink plaid pajama pants rolled up above the knee because I’d just moisturized the living shit out of my freshly shaved legs, furry old lady slippers on my feet, dishevelled, wet, not yet combed birds nest perched on my head and shoulders and an inch of Olay spread on my face, smelling like an explosion in a Bath and Body Works factory mixed with toothpaste and coffee, when the postman knocked on the door.
This is fairly typical. I used to ardently believe the postman and I were at war. I was convinced he sat outside in his van with a scanning device and waited for the moment I was at my most ridiculously undignified, before coming in and demanding my attention, but now I’m not so sure. I mean, he seems sort of skittish. I don’t know how much they pay postmen, but that guy needs a raise, purely for the number of horrific versions of me he gets to see on a regular basis. Me in my paint splattered overalls with feral hair and a manic grin on my face, wielding some giant scissors? Check. Me in my sweatpants and a hoodie covered in pancake mix wielding a wooden spoon and a scowl? Check. Me, in my crusty old Radiohead t-shirt and my underpants? Check, check, check!
Although, let’s be brutally honest here for a moment, there are actually things way more perplexing than that, like how you can have the unlikely good fortune to get Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin in the same place at the same time and not use this momentous occasion to test out some military grade weapon in the area? That was a golden opportunity, people! It may never come again.
In totally unrelated news, I’ve been crocheting myself a thick, winter blanket and I’m only a quarter of the way done and my wrists feel like they’ve been fed through a wood chipper. The typing. It hurts.
Hope your wrists feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteHey Kimber! Yeah, those things HURT. I'm just a novice at these things I'm hoping they get better soon. Holy crap, ouch!
ReplyDeleteThat reminds me of the last time the mailman delivered a package to our door...I was in some terrible spongebob squarepants pj bottoms, and a thin t-shirt with no bra...
ReplyDeleteI opened the door and said something like "Oh, I wasn't expecting anything" and he said "Yeah, I can see that."
Ouch.
Dude, you should have kicked him in the balls and said, "I guess YOU weren't expecting THAT!" Hee! My fantasy life is so violent. Jeeze. Also, yay, how are you?
ReplyDeleteKeep your wrists about you...
ReplyDeleteFreshly shaved, eh?
Well not my WRISTS, no, Tex. I'm not a werewolf or anything.
ReplyDeleteMy legs are like fine smooth porcelain. Till tomorrow when they get stubbly again. Damn hairs just keep growing.
Cheer up, Veg. These days, I only have a half a dozen hairs per leg to shave! Palin and Gosselin at the same place at the same time, a missed opportunity for sure!
ReplyDelete!
Haha, that's so few hairs you could probably name them all, huh? :) Just don't call two of them "Sarah" and "Kate".
ReplyDeleteI freaking love it. All of it. It's like how servers always come up to you when your mouth is full of food and ask you if is ok at the restaurant..Ok, maybe its' not like that actually. Can't wait to see your sweater.
ReplyDeleteSidenote: Are you missing Baxter? I think I have him. I finally moved into a squirrel free zone and now after a few months we seem to have a mouse.
My best answering the door story involves not answering the bell, but having one of my wives friends walk in because my wife told her I would be on a conference call and probably wouldn't answer. She came over to pick up something my wife left, and I got off my call early, so why not hit the shower from working out? I walked my dirty workout clothes to the washer, beside the front door, only to have her walk in! I didn't stick around to chat, just beat a hasty retreat and let her get a shot of my butt instead of my junk.
ReplyDeleteI too, can't believe no one invented a tiny atomic bomb to set off once Palin and Gosselin were in the same tent.
ReplyDeleteIt IS like some strange law of nature that people are most likely to come to your door when you are not 'properly' prepared to receive visitors. My policy is not to answer the door if someone comes unannounced. Perhaps you can arrange with your mailman to just leave your packages at the door. Then again, with his interesting timing maybe he is just waiting for the day he catches you coming straight from the shower...
ReplyDeletehttp://rantersbox.blogspot.com
Shit. She can crochet, too? *stab, stab, stab* Screw Matthew Morrison, YOU're the triple threat, Veg.
ReplyDeleteThe secret of living through the crocheting is MAN UP BEECH! (yes, that is a different spelling of the word bitch if anyone would feel insulted)
ReplyDeleteWhoops! Looks like I blew my own cover.
Jules: If you have him you can keep him! Really. I'm sure he'll love watching you get changed for bed and so on. :) He's a perv that mouse.
ReplyDeleteSkypop: Hahaha, oops! Hey I hope she had the decency to faint at the awesomeness of your uh...little friend. Not that I'm implying he's little... Jesus, shut up Veg. :)
Just Me: I KNOW! I was indignant. WTF? GET THEM NOW!
Empress: That's the day he'll be sent to the asylum to live. :)
Elly: Um, you haven't seen my efforts though. I'm fairly new to it so I'm still sort of training. But hey, my blanket's going well. So I'm going to pretend for one moment I have some talent. :)
My creepy old neighbor likes to stop by at weird hours of the day. I think he does it when he thinks I won't be wearing a bra. News flash, bro! I never wear one at home. Jokes on you!
ReplyDeleteOkay, you're going to laugh, but my mailman LOVES me. I haven't a clue why, but the moment he figured out my ex-husband had moved out (deduction made by my putting "please forward to") he did a we've moved card b/c my husband was too lazy to do it. When I get mail for him to this day, he crosses out his name on the mail for me.
ReplyDeleteHe also separates my mail by size and wouldn't acknowledge my neighbor (she thought she was all that and a bag of chips).
This is yet another reason not to shave legs.
ReplyDeleteI'm keeping a list....anything to get out of shaving.
Can you crochet me a Damon Albarn sweater for Christmas? Kthanx.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure he's used to it. I bet they see all kinds and types.
ReplyDeleteHe's probably more afraid of Baxter.
Miss Y: Hahaha, I'm not sure you're really schooling him there, dude...
ReplyDeleteLittle Ms. B: Your mailman is stalking you. He probably is hoping you get packets of lingerie in the mail he can peek at and finger lovingly. Think on that next time you see him. :)
Tracie: I hear you. I damn well hate shaving my legs. I mean I do it because I hate stubble even more but god, if I was rich I'd get electrolysis for sure. Mmmm smooth.
Beck: Be careful what you wish for, witch.
Ed: They must. I mean YOU have a post man right? :)
Wynn: Your comment was stealth there! But I laughed. I am manning up as we speak. No wait, I'm not. OUCH! Holy shit, does the pain ever go away? Seriously? This must be what arthritis feels like for old people. You crochet monster you.
ReplyDeleteI took up croceheting about a two years ago and can't do much because my hands cramp up. WTF?! I'm not 90!
ReplyDeleteYou're lucky you know who your postman is. My mailbox is in a bank of boxes about 2 blocks from my house... I never see him/her and whenever I receive a package, it's just left on the front porch! It's safer that way, I suppose.
I personally know a well endowed chick who once accidentally opened the front door to the mailman while only wearing a towel around her waist. Ohhhhh the hazards of being a mailman!!
ReplyDeleteAnd, no, it wasn't me. I swear.
This is what happens when I "just do a quick run to the store for one thing" without make up, in yucky clothes and with my hair doing it's own ducked out thing... Guaranteed, I will run into someone I know, and likely, a colleague/boss. Ugh!
ReplyDeleteIf I had Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin in the same room the only military grade weapon I would use on them would be my penis.
ReplyDeleteTrue story.
Ms. Salti: I know, it hurts! Maybe you HAVE to actually BE 90 for it to be painless? I don't know. But yikes!
ReplyDeleteCora: Haha, that stuff actually happens? I have so far remembered to be wearing a top when I answer the door. I don't want to give anyone a stroke. :)
Lacochran's Evil Twin: Yes! Same here. You think "Oh I'll only be a half hour it doesn't matter if I am wearing sweat pants and tshirt and flip flops and no make up!" and even then you sort of know you're delusional because OF COURSE you're going to run into every single important person you know. It's a LAW. It's unpreventable however, because if you go out prepared you don't meet anyone.
Mooooog: Oh dear. It was expected yet still unbelievable. Only someone with a no-conscience libido could think of those two in a sexual manner. You're like the Dexter of sex!
Hmm. That cartoon looks a lot like me. Twins!
ReplyDeleteAt least people KNOCK on your door before catching you in all your undignified glory! Those bitches just walk right in to our house. grumble grumble fucking southerners grumble
Haha, if only I had your curls though. Me I have mildly wavy hair, straight if I blow dry it. No sumptuous curls for me. Just birds nests.
ReplyDeleteLove the drawing of you...?...well, you and I must be twins, because I sort of look like that, except the dried pancake batter is three years old (why wash your bathrobe, it looses that "me" feeling).
ReplyDeleteAs for Sarah and Kate, yes, your point is valid, and should be forwarded to military personel.
When I graduate to bathrobes I'll keep that in mind. :) Until then it's ratty old cardigans and t-shirts with holes in them. I'm prepared for eventual homelessness I guess.
ReplyDeleteI now have visions of a large group of bears ambushing Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin yelling things like "I don't give a shit if you can see Russia from your porch", or "you're only skill is using your uterous as a frat house". Does this make me a bad person?
ReplyDeleteDude, it makes you my hero. :) Mmmm bears ambushing Palin and Gosselin. I'd watch THAT show!
ReplyDeleteyesterday i went to the pharmacy to pick up a glorious pack of monistat. that's all i needed and didn't bother to waste money on bags of doritos or tabloid mags to throw the cashier off.
ReplyDeleteon my way up to the register, i saw someone i know. a dude. i froze like a deer in the feminine products aisle. :::fuck::: i thought about hiding in the cosmetics aisle for a while and then realized i'm fucking cuckoo and need to act like a normal human being.
i waited patiently in line and prayed he wouldn't see me. but just in case he did, i already had my line ready: "oh hey! what- this...? yeah, i'm just catching up on my christmas shopping."
I have this unsettling habit of opening the door JUST as my poor mailman is stuffing the mail into my mailbox. A couple of times, I've opened the door sans pants. Because usually just reach out and grab the mail, no one is home that time of day...fuck pants. So I'm pretty sure he's gotten at least a peek at my hoo-ha.
ReplyDeleteSee, moments like this, Lucky, should require that we all have a hidden camera in our hat/hair/wig/eyeballs so we can record the ensuing conversation. The idea of having a "normal" banal conversation while wielding a tube of Monistat is amusing me greatly. Maybe you could have some Vagisil in the other hand? Just for balance? :)
ReplyDeleteJami: Baha, well you know, I'm sure mailmen have seen it all before. I mean maybe not as amazing as YOUR hoo-ha but still. Seeing random ladies appearing in the nip is, in fact, the reason most of them take the job, I believe. :)
ReplyDeleteMy dream last night: My friend tells me she's picking Vegetable Assassin up from the airport, and I'm like, "Really?? What's her real name?"
ReplyDelete"Stephanie" my friend answers. "You'll know which one she is because she dresses up like a clown pimp." And sure enough there you were, the clown pimp in full clown makeup, clown suit, honky horn and gold chains, with your luggage, waiting at the curb.
Oh. My. God.
ReplyDeleteThat's not a dream, that's a nightmare.
Actually, it's like you KNOW all my secrets. I knew that damn clown pimp suit would come back to haunt me. I'm so into clowns. I just love them. I don't find them creepy ONE BIT! And I'm totally called Stephanie. It's amazing.
Actually, there IS one true statement in this comment. :) You FREAK! Oh nope, that makes two.
"furry old lady slippers on my feet, dishevelled, wet, not yet combed birds nest perched on my head and shoulders and an inch of Olay spread on my face..."
ReplyDeleteYou've been pinching my look again haven't you Veg?
Haha, yeah we should start a club! Old lady slippers are the admission. :)
ReplyDeleteYou = Super Hot!
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't mean because of the blanket!
At least he has not disturbed you after a hectic bonking session which has left you breathless and speechless!
ReplyDeletehttp://msibanda.blogspot.com
I don't know. You sound kind of hot to me...
ReplyDelete:)
OK, because I've seen the Wishmaster movies, let me be more specific. I didn't mean that I wanted a sweater made OF Damon Albarn. That would be terrible. Just a sweater with a CROCHETED picture of his face on it. And maybe you can crochet in some of his pubes somehow.
ReplyDeleteJules: You = my bestest friend. :) And not wearing your contacts again. Hee!
ReplyDeleteMthoko: Haha, yikes. Wait, this sounds like you have experience of this.
Robin: See you and Jules know stuff. Delusional stuff mainly, but stuff all the same.
Beck: Spoken like a true serial killer. "Oh I don't want a sweater made OF Damon..." Right. It puts the lotion on its skin or it get the hose again. I know.
My wrist's a bit achy too. Hope yours are soon better.
ReplyDeleteHave a nice day, Boonie
Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin? Together? Sorry, I forgot everything else you said after that!
ReplyDeletePalin and Gosselin in the same room? I knew I felt a draft in here...meanwhile, you should get a fetish outfit for the postman next visit. :)
ReplyDeleteBoonie: I'm not touching that one! That's what SHE said. :)
ReplyDeleteFragrant: I'm not surprised. It is too shocking for words isn't it? The world didn't even spontaneously combust or anything!
Gennifer: There you go. A draft. It was a cold day in Alaska that's for sure. And I'm sure the postman would faint if I did that. It's almost worth a try!
I totally hear you. The only time anyone ever knocks on the door here is when I'm not wearing trousers.
ReplyDeleteHm. That sounded kind of dodgy. Didn't mean it to. I'm as pure as the driven snow. And there's a lot of that about right now.
No matter where I lived my bf use to write little notes on her letters like "Dear postman- please give kimmie a big wet kiss for me" or "Dear postman- please stick your tongue in kimmie's ear for me" etc... When I moved to Toronto she continued but my post guy there started ass his own notes under hers.
ReplyDeleteI had to move.
Rich: Yes you're a pillar of society, I know. A real vestal virgin of purity. :)
ReplyDeleteKimmie: Haha, yikes. Were they nice notes, stalky notes or "Imma gonna kill you" notes? WTF?
They were creepy responses like "OK! Here's a big kiss from me!" or "In your ear??"
ReplyDeleteCREEPY!!!!!!
Bahahahahahaha! Dude! At least he said "your ear". He could've wanted to plant those things ANY PLACE. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so damn funny! Add your awesome cartoons to the mix and it's hilarious!
ReplyDeleteha! this is awesome. hope you lived:)))
ReplyDeleteCindy: I lived! Just. I managed some mishaps but yes, life is still mine. :)
ReplyDelete