Hi! I woke up this morning to find that I have two very attractive puncture marks on the left side of my neck. Clearly a vampire has visited me in the night and sucked some of my precious Assassin blood. It’s pretty ironic, since the last thing I saw before I went to bed last night was “True Blood”. Well ok, maybe not exactly ironic, unless your name is Alanis Morrissette and you haven’t quite grasped grammar concepts fully, but it was at the very least a fitting coincidence. A fly in your chardonnay, Alanis, really? Ironic, how? Whoa, that joke hasn’t been topical in about 15 years! Go me!
Amendment: I was thinking, perhaps the fly in Alanis's chardonnay was actually a recovering alcoholic and he ended up dead in her chardonnay? Now THAT my friends, would be ironic!
I’m not worried, I can replace the missing blood quickly by inhaling lots of coffee and maybe a grilled cheese sandwich. But it’s the principle of the thing. Taking it without asking me. Vampires are assholes. Sure, some are very attractive yet dangerous assholes, like Eric on “True Blood”, although if you’re slightly brain deficient and wishy-washy romantic they also apparently shimmer like glitter, rescue plain, sulky teenaged girls from ridiculous situations and have tousled hair and permanent “sexy” pouts that make them look vaguely constipated, like that giant douche in that horrendous “Twilight” thing that’s going to go on FOR FREAKING EVER, causing me to want to punch things. More than usual even.
Then to make matters worse, I find this mosquito flying around my room as I’m trying to drink my coffee and it’s eyeing my milky white flesh longingly and buzz diving me like a kamaikaze fighter pilot on an enemy freighter.
No, there is no coincidence between that and my obviously serious neck puncture wounds, don’t you go thinking it. That was the work of vampires. Never doubt me.
Anyway, I don’t actually have anything to say (when do I ever have anything to say, hmmm?) so I’ll leave you. Try not to cry.
I have two frighteningly giant bites on my back, I think they are spider bites. On balance I'd prefer to be bitten by a spider than by some sparkly wanker, even if he is British.
ReplyDeleteAlso, go you with your topical references!
I'm always topical, me. Even if it's 15 years late. (Just agree with me here and don't point out that I just contradicted myself with one sentence). And "sparkly wanker" is my phrase of the day FOR SURE. :) When I get my lunch time coffee I'm going to say to the guy in the store, "Morning, boy do YOU look like a sparkly wanker today!" Maybe I'll say it AFTER I have the coffee in my hand, just in case...
ReplyDeleteI've never seen True Blood but I'm so over vampires. I hate vampires. They're the worst. And it's ridiculous that I can even make a statement like "I hate vampires" as if they're real things, like hating okra or cockroaches.
ReplyDeleteAlso, yay LOST!
Also, yay to dated pop culture references! After all, would Family Guy even exist without them.
ABSOLUTELY true. FG makes its bacon with outdated culture references. I hope this doesn't mean I'm going to start fighting chicken and talking to dogs... Oddly, I hate vampires too. But I always loved "True Blood" mainly because it's naughty and funny. Even though it's stocked full of vampires. But Twilight can bite me. (Ha! Bite me!)
ReplyDeleteGood idea to wait until after that sparkly wanker has handed you your coffee!
ReplyDeleteYeah. I don't want to be WEARING that coffee after all. Maybe I'll just yell it as I run out the door? :)
ReplyDeleteEric from True Blood....rowrrrrr.
ReplyDeleteThat was my cougar growl. Just, you know, an FYI.
Thanks for that, man. I totally thought you just had lockjaw or something.... Jeeze.
ReplyDeleteI thought if you got bitten by a vampire then you became a vampire too??
ReplyDeleteAnd do you not then fly off and select your own victim to spend eternity with?
In a convoluted way, what I'm saying is that since George Clooney still walks on earth (in daylight) either vampires don't exist OR Clooney eats phenomenal amounts of garlic...
Well according to True Blood, which obviously is the absolute bible of all things vampiric, you need to drink the victim's blood AND they have to drink yours in order to change them into a vamp. Just draining THEM doesn't do it. See? I know stuff.
ReplyDeleteA lady I was close to a while back had a sparkly wanker in her bedside drawer. It couldn't see its own reflection and didn't like garlic. However, it did seem to have magical powers over her.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, in that case, it looks like I was attacked by vampires when I was in Zante last month. Stupid me, thinking it was mosquitos...
ReplyDeleteWeirdly enough, I was on The Oatmeal website last night and reading a comic that explained "irony", which brought the Alanis thing up too. Random much??? ;)
Aw Tex. That's not a VAMPIRE that's a VIBRATOR. A sparkly one. Anyone could make that mistake though, don't think we're laughing at you.
ReplyDeleteP: No way! Maybe I'm a trend setter, bringing back stuff from eons ago! Or they are? Whichever, it just proves one thing. Alanis is an idiot.
ReplyDeleteI just figured you bit yourself.
ReplyDeleteCause...you know...
You SUCK.
lol
Thing is, if I BIT myself, Mr. Ed, I wouldn't necessarily SUCK would I? Biting and sucking - two different things. Ask your boyfriend. :)
ReplyDeleteVampires ARE assholes, but they usually use manners. Like how they have to be invited in.
ReplyDeleteWho let YOUR vampire in???
Hmmmm.... Maybe he was already in? Or I did it in my sleep? Or he wasn't a True Blood vampire. I seem to remember Dracula didn't need an invitation. No? Food for thought though, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI am just so glad you finally made some sense of that horrible song. I actually don't hate Alanis so much now.
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling though, that Alanis didn't consider that. She just thought, "Wow, it's my wedding day and there's a fly in my wine, how IRONIC!" and sat there pleased with herself while crickets chirped... :)
ReplyDeleteYay for you bringing back the irony and allanis in the trending topics arena.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you haven't seen the Muppets Smack Down of Lost, maybe you should do yourself a favor and do that. Because who doesn't love muppets?
Me. I dislike muppets. Creepy things. I mean there's furry, cute things and you know they have a man hand in their hole. Word.
ReplyDeleteBecause I'm a weirdo, no one True Blood holds a candle to Hoyt. Love!
ReplyDeleteThat Lost clip is awesome. John F*@!ed Vincent?!? Ewwww
Two things that I totally never got into... Vampires and Lost.
ReplyDeleteSigh. There must be something VERY wrong with me.
Red: I remember your Hoyt love well. Hey at least he digs redheads! :)
ReplyDeleteRobin: Well I'm not a vampire person myself but Lost? Really? I can't imagine not liking Lost. You must be missing a chromosome. Haha!
This Week In Unnecessary Censorship is always freaking phenomenal. I always thought that Locke guy &%$#@'d dogs.
ReplyDeleteAlso, sounds like Baxter's got a real pair of choppers there, eh?
if you turn into a vampire will you turn me into a vampire? kthxbai!
ReplyDeleteHahaha, oh shit. Now I'm going to be paranoid it's that damn mouse chowing down on me while I sleep. Thanks for those black bags under my eyes tomorrow. Damn mouse.
ReplyDeleteI can never be a vampire, dude. I can't stand the taste of blood. Even when I bite my tongue or something I'm all "EW. Fucking hell. EW!" So until you can be a vampire by eating cake, no can do. :)
ReplyDeleteI've always hated that stupid song, it makes me want to punch things. and seriously? Vampires that sparkle in the sun, WTF is that all about?
ReplyDeleteI don't mind the old vampire but none of that Twilight shit. Even the adds crap me off and I just want to punch sulky girl in the face and big hair boy a kick in the groin to see if he actually has a pair. Give me Nosferatu any day over that crap, or the "of course it's not soft porn" of True Blood.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure only a classy vamp would have bit you though :)
PS thanks for the Bollywood vid I laughed and laughed, and it led me to Bollywood Thriller and I laughed some more.
I fucking hate mosquitoes. And they LOVE me. I'd rather be bitten by a vampire, I think. At least they just leave two little marks. They don't make me look like the people in the "Before" Proactive shots, but instead of on my face, it's all over my body.
ReplyDeleteThe Alanis "ironic" reference will never get old. I still wonder how getting a "free ride when you've already paid" is ironic or EVEN POSSIBLE.
Vampires are dicks.
ReplyDeleteIn bed at night may I suggest you stop wearing floaty white see-through negligés, full make-up and your hair all beaufonted up, this attracts the vamps....
ReplyDelete...You should, in fact, wear skanky old pjs, ensure your bits are unshaven and have a curry or a
Thai meal with extra garlic OR a packet of BRITISH Cheese and Onions crisps. And remember NEVER brush your teeth before bed.
Over and out.
Lou
xx
Damn Vampires. Make sure you sleep with a silver chain close by.
ReplyDeleteI love vampires, but they're very difficult to do well. That flipping Twilight woman admitted to not knowing a thing about vampire lore and just making it up as she went. Blasphemy. True Blood is just fucking insane. That show, jesus, what a wreck. The acting is so bad I gave up in the second season, and from what I hear, it's only gotten more ridiculous. No thank you.
ReplyDeleteHeather: Yeah. Aren't they supposed to EXPLODE in the sun? :) I mean that's what being a vampire's all about surely. No mirrors and DEFINITELY no sunlight. How can they even ATTEND high school? Surely that's in the day time?
ReplyDeleteRusty: OH I'm sure tousled boy has nothing down there but glittering marbles, the sparkly wanker. :) And that video is one of my favourites. It makes me laugh out loud every time.
Becks: Same here. Things love me. And they'll bite and by two days later the bites are the size of quarters. Seriously, it's hideous! And Alanis is a dummy. The end. :)
BD: Yes. Yes they are. Sparkly wankers in fact.
Lou: I've taken notes from all of that, so thanks! I knew I should stop dollying myself up before bed with the frou-frou hair, chanel lipstick and the tiny negligees. It can never end well. :)
Jules: Hell. I do! Those cheeky biters found a way around it! (Yes, they did)
Jenna: How can anyone not enjoy "True Blood" and it's craziness? It gets crazier all the time although the first season remains the best by far in my opinion. Twilight woman made it up? You don't say. Daytime vampires who pout and sparkle. You hear about those ALL THE TIME. :)
Does this mean you'll be hanging round like Ingrid Pitt, looking lustfully pale and interesting?
ReplyDeleteWell I'm ALWAYS pale and interesting, Madame. Ok, I'm pale anyway. But judging by my love of garlic I won't be a vampire anytime soon.
ReplyDeleteThe best vampires were in the early 90's (Interview, The Lost Boys, Bram Stoker's Dracula.) Movieland should have quit while it was ahead. I'm DONE with bloodsuckers (except for The Count on Sesame Street because he's awesome and I probably would have failed kindergarden w/out him). - G
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's not often you can credit a vampire for getting you through kindergarten. That just sounds COOL. :)
ReplyDeleteHa ha I hate mosquito's pure evil. Yeah the Twilight vampires are kind of wimpy. Give me Angel or the Lost boys. Or on certain days True blood.
ReplyDeleteKate xx
Damn right. None of these pale, daylight-happy, sparkly wankers. REAL vampires please! :)
ReplyDeleteThe dead AA fly in her Chardonnay made me rocket launch orange juice out my nose. HILARIOUS.
ReplyDeleteReally though, isn't that the only way that line would make any sense? :)
ReplyDeleteIf something bites me I NEED to know what it is so that I can check out if it is pretty or not... if it's pretty it can come back - if it's not I'm gonna squish the bastard!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to inflate your ego now.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog.
There, I said it.
Now you may swell.
I was never aboard the crazy train that was lost but that made me laugh so hard my dogs left the room. I had a bowl of chips with me and they still left the room.
ReplyDeleteThis = miracle.
thank you.
At least it is safe to say that vampires have good taste in the ladies! But who cold resist your creamy white skin? It's just beggin' for BBQ sauce if you ask me.
ReplyDeleteAs for dear old Alanis, that joke is a classic and will always be funny, no matter how ancient it gets.
Wonderful job as usual!
E.D.: Haha, I'm not even going to guess what bitey thing you might welcome. I might be traumatized forevah!
ReplyDeleteDan: Drunk again, Monsieur? Good for you. :) I'll take it.
Kimmie: If you don't laugh at that clip you're dead. Plus you don't have to be a Lost fan to watch it either. Although it might be even better if you are...
Tom: Poor Alanis. She's been the butt of jokes on that one song alone for years and years. When she's dead her tombstone is going to reference it in some totally non-ironic way. :)
I have a mosquito bite on my forehead... aarrgghh. I hate it when the family leaves the garage door open, because they fly in and I'm the one that always gets bit.
ReplyDeleteYou need my "stake" necklace. Though of course since it's not a wooden stake, it wouldn't really help you...hmmm. Just get some garlic.
ReplyDeleteP: No way! I do too. I thought it was a zit at first and was sulking because I never get zits hardly and when I do they're not on my forehead for god's sake. Then it got all spready outy and I realized that damn mosquito got me again. IT HAS TO DIE.
ReplyDeleteWendy: I do. I need a lot of your necklaces actually. I also need a lottery win, then I'll be your number one customer! :) I still want a goddamn genie and I haven't even gotten around to THAT yet.
Man, is there anything Febreeze DOESN'T make better?!
ReplyDeletePearl
Not very much, no! It's a miracle cure all. :)
ReplyDelete