How To Avoid Becoming A Serial Killer

In part one of my new, smash hit, informative series of short educational essays on how to be a non-suspicious, functioning human being, I tell you about one of the most important pointers of all – how to avoid becoming a serial killer.

You  see, I have noticed that you can tell a lot about a person by the vessels they use to consume their beverages.   For example, it’s a little known fact that anyone who drinks a cold beverage, like soda or milk or juice, from a coffee mug, has just unwittingly fulfilled the main marker criteria for a burgeoning serial killer.    It’s an alert that’s up there with disembowelling squirrels and firing rockets at the postman while he's delivering your monthly copy of "JUGGS".

See, every sane person knows that mugs are for coffee and even, on occasion, for tea or hot chocolate or even a warming beaker of steaming hot tomato soup while trying to snuff out an untimely bout of the influenza or other insistent, system-attacking pestilence.  Only a heinous, in-bred, red-eyed, mutant, who carries a meat cleaver and a diagram of the location of all the major human organs in their bag or man-purse, would think there was nothing wrong in sipping a cold refreshment from a coffee mug.  This is an etiquette no no, like wearing a scrunchy to a cocktail party, or Paris Hilton doing anything, anywhere, anytime that involves us having to hear about it. 

Cold drinks go in glasses or even plastic tumblers or bottles.   If you put them in a mug, you are basically declaring, “I am going to suck all of the blood out of a kitten and yank out the entrails of a kindergarten student with pliers before stuffing the entire bloody mix into your mama’s vagina.”

My other criteria for spotting a twisted serial killer are as follows:

Wears taped glasses
Blinks a lot
Has the names “Luther” or “Lucas” somewhere in their name
Uses three names (Wendy B. agrees!) 
Wears pants that are too short
Is obsessed with Tom Hanks
Can’t say the word “panties” without drooling on his shirt
Gets a boner from any of the following; power tools, butter, bile, armpits, cat food, covering nipples in Creosote, videos of amputations, the movie “Titanic”, Howie Mandel.

Basically, stay away from any of those and you should never have to keep dismembered bodies in the crawl space under your house.