I’m a laid back sort of person for the most part, but sometimes, especially when I’ve been a crazy insomniac for a lengthened period of time, things just mess with your calm demeanour out of pure spite. Like today I got visibly pissed off at some chocolate that wouldn’t melt fast enough. The audacity of that damn chocolate, man. I mean come on, I had
COOKIES TO FROST! I wanted to
EAT those stupid cookies.
I stood there over the stove prodding it with a wooden spoon (the chocolate not the stove - what would be the point in that?) and…it just stared back at me like, “Yeah?????”.
So I started muttering at it. Things like, “Oh. Oh, so let me get this straight, when you’re in my jeans pocket for more than two minutes you melt into a shitty brown pool of goo and smear all over everything but I lay you over a pot of humid, steamy, boiling water and you’re all ‘oh, hi, nice day, how are you?’ and display no sign of melting? You fucking fuck.”
It succumbed in the end. The cookies were good. Would you like one?
Also, did you ever wake up in the night with a jolt, because you heard an unidentifiable sound that you know wasn’t a regular floor creak or a car driving by outside and you’re all sort of freaked out and afraid to peer out of the covers in case you encounter some huge black mass with glowing red eyes, malevolently staring back at you, bending its crooked, bony finger back and forth beckoning you, with an evil, rotten-toothed grin on its face, sort of like
Shane MacGowan's evil, psychotic, less-talented, incinerated twin, and you strain your ears to decide if whatever bastion of pure, undiluted evil that made that sound might still be hovering with psychotic intent waiting to snap off your head with its decaying incisors as soon as you pop your head out and so, as a deterrent, you put the pillow over your head and decide denial is the best policy but you can’t get it out of your head that maybe that foul deviant is wielding an axe just feet above your neck, and it might be better to be forewarned about such a thing, so you reluctantly decide to take action using the element of surprise to your advantage, so you take a deep breath and fast as lightning you move the pillow and the blanket off your face and sit up really fast, and yell something undeniably forceful like, “Please leave now, nasty, smelly creature of the undead or I will be forced to dig out my Bee Gees collection!” to totally catch him unawares (because I’ve heard that yelling combined with catchy disco tunes scares evil away) and when you do…there’s no one there?
That happens to me a lot.
This is why you should eat your vegetables and not be an insomniac, kids. Evil nightmares and long sentences.
I always suspected the Bee Gees were good for more than bad disco flashbacks ... I'll add it to my arsenal for fighting middle-of-the-night evil. LOL.
ReplyDeleteI could really relate to the whole 'partner farting like a foghorn because you fed him beans again for dinner' - sadly, the older they get, the less it takes to produce the thunderous roar from the tailpipe. LOL.
Oh, thank you for informing me I have THAT to look forward to in later years. :) Of course I never fart. I'm a lady. Nothing but the scent of fresh cut flowers emits from MY bottom.
ReplyDeleteThose Bee Gees will fuck anyone's shit up. Don't let the gold lamé fool you.
ReplyDeleteThis is where dogs come in handy, unless like mine all they do is growl softly without even getting off the bed to investigate.
*scarfs down mutated cookie*
Dude, for you I'd have handed over a NON DEFORMED cookie.
ReplyDeleteMmm, cookies. And omg, that Bee Gees photo is totally priceless. They, and their camel toes (or is it snake and eggs?) are totally terrifying.
ReplyDeleteSNAKE AND EGGS!!! I love that. Although in a "that's totally gross" type of way. I don't condone any shiny pants-clad uh...goods. :)
ReplyDeleteI was once woken up by some of the most hideous, a human-could-not-have-made-that-sound, mouth breathing I'd ever heard. I fucking damn near shit the bed. It was my own snoring.
ReplyDeleteHaha! If it helps, I have woken myself up with a particularly obnoxious snort then looked around me like I expected it to have come from someone else. :)
ReplyDelete"You should be daaaaaaaancing, yeah!"
ReplyDeletePS- Cookies! Nom, nom, nom....
I totally DON'T put the pillow over my head. I pester Hubby with ideas of how the rapist will rape and kill me and make him watch if he doesn't get up and check out the sound.
ReplyDeleteI'm an awesome wife.
i do that wake up in the middle of the night thing often...but usually only when i've hung a towel or a backpack on a doorknob near the bed. of course.
ReplyDeleteCould you diagram that sentence for me? Do Canadian schools even teach sentence diagramming or is there not enough time left after all the lessons on moose anatomy?
ReplyDeleteRobin: I'll mentally teleport one to you! Here you go.
ReplyDeleteJules: Well yes. I mean men aren't afraid of psycho monsters. It's the penis thing. It comes with a courage option.
Miss C: That's the worst! You see that lumpy shape and you're all "WTF? I'm dead." Then instead of investigating you spend all night obsessing that an escaped prisoner is hiding in your hallway.
SG: DIAGRAM A SENTENCE? What the HELL is that? Let me see, my typical sentence would go something like: Noun, verb, swear word, adjective, adjective, adjective, noun, adverb, swear word, nonsense, nonsense, nonsense verby sweary nonsense. I could probably do a pie chart.
HA! Call it cookie chocolate's revenge! Remember when you got warned about cheese causing nightmares??? Well that is NOTHING to what prodded choccie bits can do!
ReplyDeleteOh dear! So presuming I do actually sleep tonight, I have THAT to look forward to? Pfft. Might as well have some cheese too then, no?
ReplyDeleteThose cookies look sooo good and have me thinking about making some.
ReplyDeleteThe Bee Gees picture looks hilarious now but I was into them in the day. It's Got Me Dancing.
Threatening someone with the BeeGees is a new low; Im impressed.
ReplyDeleteWonder if thats where the 'heeBEE GEEbees' come from...?
Was it the sound that unmelted chocolate makes when looking for revenge?
ReplyDeleteI get that sometimes.
Did you know broken and deformed cookies have no calories...they were delish. thanks
ReplyDeletexx
Well now I'm just fascinated by Barry Gibbs' bulge. Huh. Those pants are just tragic but they're strangely mesmerizing.
ReplyDeleteUm I didn't get much sleep either so excuse that weirdness.
LOL...I was so glad I didnt have to live another day without seeing the BeeGees in their skintight satin suits. Thanks Veggie :)
ReplyDeleteAnd may I have two cookies to go please?
We have some clown that calls the radio station like every week and requests the Bee Gees. I will pummel him if I find out who it is - and all my cookies are mutants, so these look delicious.
ReplyDeleteThere are many, many reasons why I like you Veg and this post is one of them. I can relate to so much of what you write about but this probably the most. I, too, exhibit bouts of irrational anger because I am sleep deprived and often shout at inanimate objects because of the aforementioned anger. Sleep, the fucking man whore that he is, is only an occasional visitor in my home nowadays. And when he is caressing my cheek in a very lame attempt to make up for the hours in which he has abandoned me, it is still quite fitful. Because he likes to disappear in the wee hours of the night when an unexplained noise shoots me out of his embrace. The fucking coward.
ReplyDeleteI love this post.
The Bee Gees wuld make awesome superheroes, dazzling their opponents eyes with the gold suits then bringing down their prey with a bola-style medallion throw...
ReplyDeleteHmmm, where's Donald P Bellisario when you need him?
Can you read that sentence all in one breath?
ReplyDeleteI am soooo familiar with those insomnia induced bumps in the night. Sometimes (tho rarely) I think I would feel safer with a bed mate but the mention of the fog horn farts blew that thought away.
Peachy: I have a soft spot for "How Deep Is Your Love?" therefore, they're ok by me. I can't believe people actually wore the gold suits though. That's pushing the boundaries of decency too far! :)
ReplyDeleteJudearoo: Well low is what I was going for because night monsters only react to the very worst! I thought the hair and suits would startle it into terror.
Moooooog: Shit. Maybe it was. It's a chocolate monster. Wait...I can totally live with a chocolate monster.
Vodka: I do love the world you live in. Can I come? :)
JaG: Three words you never want to read while eating lunch "Barry Gibb's bulge" so thanks for that! Plus you KNOW I had to go look. And oh my, does he have BROCCOLI down there?
Jenny: I just live to make your day, Jenny. In fact I found that photo just for you, to fuel your fantasies. Tonight just pretend JohnnyMac is a Bee Gee and bliss will be yours especially if you clothe his ass in tight silver flared pants. You kinky beast.
KC: Oh I'm sorry. That's me. I get drunk and can't help myself. OK, no it's not. That guy should be easy to find though, what with the 'fro that never died, the platform shoes and the white flare suit, a la John Travolta. Good luck! :)
Lola: It's because I PAY you, no? No wait, I don't. I only pretend I do. But sleep is indeed a fickle friend. He leaves me for weeks at a time then comes home drunk at odd hours. Hussy! (him, not you)
Squirrel: The Bee Gees would NEVER wear their undies on the outside though. In fact, judging by that photo, they don't WEAR underwear at all. Can't be having the gold lame VPL now can we?
Py: The last time I lived in a house as opposed to an apartment, it used to happen more. I'd hear the stairs creaking and would rather pee my pajamas than venture out into the hallway and bump into some serial killer, with a kitchen knife, who wanted my innards.
ReplyDeleteThe concept of disturbed sleep has inspired the post I am putting up tomorrow night. So if it's shit (and it could well be) I am holding you personally responsible.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it your stream of consciousness is more readable than many bloggers' paragraphs?
I think it's because they are addicted to short paragraphs.
And short sentences. Lots of them. Like this.
Bahaha, you are a BAD, BAD man. :) But you know I laughed.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I just get a little bit verbally hyper and it all just comes out fast, so I omit punctuation and sentence splitting and just race for the finish.
1. Double boilers are for suckers. Chocolate will melt faster in a regular ol' saucepan, and it won't burn like all the cookbooks warn you as long as you keep the heat low and stir it.
ReplyDelete2. I need some gold lame.
3. I think all 3 of the Bee Gees are employing the Derek Smalls method of pants-stuffing.
Thanks Chef! My actual reason for double burning was more convenience oriented - I wanted the stuff to melt in a bowl for easy spreading as opposed to scooping small amounts off the bottom of a pot. But next time I think I will follow your method.
ReplyDeleteNow about that gold lame... I hear it's all the rage for Fall. Go get some, you'll be right in fashion, HONEST. I'll be right here awaiting the photographic proof. Go on.
Thanks, I'm now going to stay up all night, with a frying pan in my hand waiting for the monsters under the bed to appear in the guise of the Pogues and the Bee Gees. Either that or I'll sleep with a cucumber under my pillow.
ReplyDeleteI hear Shane MacGowan, in particular, has a terrible fear of cucumbers because of their health benefits....
ReplyDeleteand then you realize you have to pee because, ain't that how it always is? and get into the bathroom and decide, mid-pee that there might be somebody behind the curtain, so you contemplate not washing your hands, but then you decided that if you don't wash your hands, the terrorists win?
ReplyDeletethat happens to me all the time.
ps my tummy hurts because i was trying not to laugh at this at work.
Your tummy hurts from all that birthday cake!! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd yes. The dreaded shower curtain. So you hover just so you can sprint off mid pee if necessary. Or you might not. But I might.
Deformed cookies is like food eaten standing up...they don't count. And if you eat THEM while standing up they're actually NEGATIVE calories, right? Now I want cookies. Oh, the wanting.
ReplyDeleteOMC: YES! I think you're right. I shouldn't eaten the whole pan. Damn it. :)
ReplyDeleteLMAO!!! You crack me up!
ReplyDeleteps those cookies look damn good!! deformed or not! :)
Cass: You know what? They WERE good. And they were going to be more deformed where they were going (MY TUMMEH!) so whatever. :)
ReplyDeleteI ADORE run on sentences! Simply am in love with them! I love yours too. Did not see the Bee Gees coming at the end of that. And not to worry you, but what if, after all that swaying back and forth, and deciding what to do, you do yell out, but it's the Bee Gees waiting for you! But the evil Bee Gees. Oh no! That's just silly. They are too nice to ever intrude into your home bringing red-eyed terror...right?
ReplyDelete