The State of The Nation – Massachusetts

Friday, February 11th, 2011 – I must have a Coke Or People Will Die, painting self-portrait, I’m a zombie

It’s that time again, people. It’s like knowing your taxes are due or your annual review is pending. Yep, it’s time to learn some more ominous stuff about the United States – fifty separate little countries bound by one great big law. Or something. This week is Massachusetts, due to popular demand by one person (Jess).

Not only can I spell Massachusetts without looking it up (seriously, go me!) but I still, even as a grown up lady, get a real kick out of calling it “Massive Two Tits”. Because I can.

Now what can I tell you?

Well one, Massachusetts is apparently a commonwealth. I don’t know if that’s supposed to make it more fancy than other states, but it doesn’t work. Because no matter how fancy you think you are, your capital is still Boston, home of beans, chowder, Ally McBeal, Mark Wahlberg and that accent.

Two: Massachusetts is shaped like a gun to scare off Yankees’ fans. It doesn’t work.

Three, some people unkindly call people from Massachusetts “Massholes” but I would never be so rude. Particularly because some of you have few teeth and fists like hams (allegedly) and might show up on my doorstep with a machete and malice in your eyes telling me you’re going to “paahk your cah” on my head.

Four, according to the gospel of all that is real, Wikipedia, Massachusetts is a hotbed of higher education, advanced technology, healthcare advances and financial services. Yeah, you just get all smug about your big brains, Massachusetts. Just remember this. You also produced eternal frat boy Dane Cook and Mr. James Spader, or as I like to call him, “Mr. Creepy Pedo Lips”.

…not to his face or anything, you understand.

Moving swiftly on, Boston, back in the day, was the scene of the infamous Boston Tea Party, mainly because where else would you have something called “The Boston Tea Party”? It was some protest against the British taxing tea or some such thing I was too lazy to learn about because it involved true things and OH MY GOD, BORING, but it was something to do with Bostonians pouring copious amounts of tea into Boston Harbour. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a really shitty party to me. Particularly when there’s a dude called “Sam Adams” involved and we all know his beer is the tits. Maybe instead of dropping tea in the harbour they could’ve drunk some of that? Now THAT would be a party. Seriously, if someone asked me to their house for a party and proceeded to give me tea and said, “pour this down the toilet, it’ll be a blast!” I’d kick them in the nuts.

So how many friends of the Lord are there in Massachusetts, I hear you yell, because you just know I’m getting to it. Turns out 16% of people are dirty heathens like me, which I think you’ll agree is a big improvement on 6% from South Carolina last week. Wiki also claims 7% refused to answer which I’m pretty sure they did just to fuck with me. Or because they like Satan. So there’s your answer. At least 77% and as much as 84% of residents adore God, with the vast majority also approving Jesus.

To close, Massachusetts’ state insect is the ladybug (awww!) and its Gross State Product is Ben Affleck.
Don’t say I never teach you anything.