You guys who've been around here for a while, know of my great, all encompassing talent for talking to the animals, right? Well it seems, I've made a new friend. Often when I’m taking trash out at night, I find a fox skulking around in the yard, waiting to surprise me behind the car or a bush or some other dark spot. He’s a big, red fox with a bushy tale and a shifty look in his eye and we have recently become better acquainted, due to the fact I'm desperate he likes me, rather than spend his evenings conjuring up ways to murder and eat me. It was going so well until last night’s encounter, when things took a slight turn for the disturbing.
Me: Well hey there. How YOU doing?
Fox: Not bad thanks. Yes. Not bad at all. Hungry though. What's in that bag, if you don't mind me asking? Is it a baby?
Me: What? No! It's just paper stuff. Recycling, that kind of thing.
Fox: I see. I see... I don’t suppose you have anything more....scandalous and meaty, in there? Like a tin of spam? Or a small, ripe, illegally slaughtered mammal?
Me: I beg your pardon?
Fox: You know, I just thought you might have some...bacon scraps, cat food cans, the carcass of a small but beefy, recently deceased humanoid? That kind of thing? Something meaty. I am VERY hungry.
Me: Um. Nooooooo...
Fox: That’s okay. Really. Don’t worry about it. I’m just trying to feed my family and scraps are hard to come by, lately. We don’t normally venture this far out of the woods you see but hard times and all that... Say, you're a lady. Do you perhaps have a baby upstairs?
Me: What the fuck, dude? I don't have any babies. No.
Fox: Oh wait, no! No, no, I see what you're thinking, oh God no. It’s just that I love babies you see, they're so entirely cute, it's not at all that they’re packed with delicious nutrients, I hadn't even noticed that part. Dear goodness no. Forget I said it.
Me: Oh. Well. I have to go now, but if I have any leftovers from dinner or anything tomorrow maybe I could leave them here for you?
Fox: Would you? That would be much appreciated. Anytime after 8pm works for me.
Me: Got it. I have to get back now I have a really awful belly ache.
Fox: Sorry to hear that. Might you be pregnant?
Me: What??? No, I just ate some ice cream too fast!
Fox: Well, that's too bad. Too bad. But you know, incidentally, if you should ever be pregnant, I know a guy...
Me: A guy?
Fox: Yes, you know. A guy who will help you if you’re pregnant but aren’t looking to raise any tiny, meaty, delicious children, yourself.
Me: ..............
Fox: ..............
Me: ..............
Fox: ..............
Me: The guy is YOU isn't it?
Fox: What if I said 'yes'?
Me: I’m going inside now.
Fox: Quite right. I'm off to hang out in a crawl space at the kindergarten. See you tomorrow!
